A/N: Yo guys, Wynter here! Here's my first Hellsing fanfic, which is kinda a parody. I hope you all like it! Oh, and btw, some things are a bit messed up, like the timeline (Integra's not an old lady anymore, and uh, Walter never betrayed Hellsing. And he want's to be a chef.)
So enjoy, and please review!
Chapter 1-Flowers, Models, Prawn Soup and Cheerleaders
"Hey Police Girl, how does this sound?" Alucard called. "Roses are red, violets are purple-"
"Master, it's supposed to be 'violets are blue', not purple."
"Right," Alucard replied sheepishly, crossing out a few words. "I knew that. Roses are blue, violets are purple-"
Seras Victoria sighed in exasperation. "Master, it's the violets that are blue, not the roses!" she yelled.
"My bad. Roses are blue, violets are-"
"God save me."
Meanwhile, in Integra's office:
Integra strutted across the room and struck a pose that made her look like a chicken "So how does that look, Walter?"
Walter raised his head from a book labelled 'Cooking 101'. "Umm, ah, the prawn soup needs seven shallots, not grapes."
"I said, how did my walk look? Will I make it to the catwalk?"
"So sorry to rain on your parade, but cats aren't needed to make the soup." The book bound butler mumbled as he pored over the pages.
Integra face-palmed.
Many, many miles away, in Ireland…
Father Anderson walked into Maxwell's office wearing a wig, while singing at the top of his voice: "Woah oh oh oh oh I'm in love with Judas, Judas~ Hey Maxwell!"
Maxwell slammed down a fist. "Anderson, how many times do I need to tell you, YOU'RE NOT LADY GAGA!"
Father Anderson blinked. "What do you mean, I'm not Lady Gaga? I am!"
The poor Director of Iscariot, who had gone over this many times, was about to explain when the doorbell rang.
"Oh, thank goodness. Saved by the bell. Come in!"
Yumiko and Heinkel entered, both wearing matching blue and white cheerleading costumes complete with golden pom poms.
"GIVE ME AN I!" hollered Yumiko, making a crude 'I' with her arms.
"I!" screeched Heinkel.
Yumiko roared, "GIVE ME AN S!" She made a weird looking s.
"S!" howled Heinkel.
"GIVE ME A C!"
"C!" wailed Heinkel, sounding rather like a pig being roasted…alive.
Five minutes later, when Yumiko had finished yelling out 'Give me an (insert letter of alphabet here)', she cried:
"WHAT DOES IT SPELL?"
Heinkel, Yumiko, and Anderson all screamed, "ISCARIOT! WOOO! GO LADY GAGA!" (You can guess who yelled, 'Go Lady Gaga'.)
Maxwell clasped his head between his hands, a migraine beginning to form at the back of his noggin. "Why am I surrounded by blithering idiots?" he moaned to no one in particular.
Meanwhile, back at the Hellsing Manor, Seras was having problems that were almost as nasty as Maxwell. Alucard's poetry had not improved, even after reading several 'Poetry for Dummies' books and watching a metre high pile of DVD'S.
"Whenever I see you, a fire rages in the depths of my dead little heart. How does that line work? Would Integra like it?" Alucard asked Seras, hoping that the response would be good.
"What type of mental moron taught you that?"
Seras stomped off to find Integra, who, according to her, was the only sane one left.
Unfortunately, she was wrong. When she opened the door, a dazzling light hit poor Seras' eyes and almost left her blinded.
After regaining her sight, the baffled police girl saw that Integra's office had been transformed into a sort of disco room with a catwalk (and karaoke). The Director of Hellsing was wearing a long blue dress and sashaying down the red carpet.
In the opposite corner of the room, Walter was bent over a thick book. He occasionally stirred the large fondue pot next to him, which a noxious stench was rising from.
The stink of garlic, chilli, mouldy cheese and too much sugar was the last straw for the vampire. Seras stalked back into her room, kicked the cat (who yowled and scratched her, adding to her already bad mood) and grabbed the phone.
A trip down under was just the thing needed to cure everyone.