Original Author's Notes: This is just something I had to get out of my head and is solely for the benefit of my sanity because I needed to vent these emotions of mine somehow and Kakashi is an easy target.
Title: Minato Deserved Better
Oneshot
Genre: Angst
Characters: Anbu Kakashi
Warnings: Mild gore, loads of angst.
Rating: PG-13 for the gore.
EDIT: I just realized that I wrote and posted this to the YonKaka community on LiveJournal exactly one year ago! O_O How is that for irony or fate or just plain weirdness? Exactly one year!!! ^_^
Minato deserved better.
Someone who could laugh as freely.
Smile as brightly.
Sleep as soundly.
Someone whole and good and as pure as he was.
Kakashi clutched his chest, as if his fingers could wrap themselves around his own heart.
It hurt to love.
But not as much as knowing deep down that he just wasn't good enough.
He quickly pressed his free hand into the jagged gash hidden just below the torn vest.
He could see himself through the blonde's eyes.
Searching for the pain he so desperately needed.
Insignificant.
Needy.
Pathetic.
The one that prevented his mind and heart from straying into dark places.
He was emotional baggage no one in their right mind would want.
His control was slipping, along with his ability to concentrate.
He was sure the man carried on their relationship out of a sense of duty.
As his Hokage.
As his ex-sensei.
To think clearly.
Because of guilt.
Logically.
Kakashi could see how much he weighed the man down.
He could also see how much she lifted him up.
His vision blurred.
A long time ago, he could remember how the blonde's smile had easily reached his eyes.
True and warm and honest as if Kakashi was the reason behind the smile.
But the pain wasn't enough to stop himself from falling.
He knew now it had nothing to do with him as an individual. The man was just that way. Full of life and hope.
He'd been such a fool to believe it was for him.
That he was good enough to deserve it.
Kakashi jerked the porcelain mask off and tugged the cloth down, willing his lungs to take in fresh air, his eyes closed tight to prevent the tears from escaping.
He couldn't remember the last time his ex-sensei had smiled like that for him.
But he smiled like that for her.
It made him feel small.
Invisible.
Alone.
He tried to push away these emotions, but like the pain in his chest, they always came without warning.
Wasn't this what he wanted?
To see the blonde happy?
Of coarse it was.
But it still hurt to not be truly wanted.
Or needed.
To know he just wasn't good enough.
He never had been.
Not for his father.
And now.....
Kakashi could feel the bile rise up, pushing against the lump trapped in his painfully tight throat.
He was bitterly jealous of the man.
Jealous that he had exactly what Kakashi wanted.
What he needed.
His muscles contracted hard, causing the lump to erupt in a horrendous gagging sobthat had nothing to do with the painful gash oozing over the fingers still lodged in his side.
And jealous of her.
She was everything he wasn't.
She could give Minato everything he couldn't.
And the man wanted her.
More than he could ever want him.
He pressed his fingers deeper until the pain was near unbearable. Until could feel the rough broken edges of ribs under his fingertips. Until his mind seemed to regain some sense of clarity.
He felt ashamed.
Selfish.
Weak.
Useless.
Slowly, short gasps turned into deep, even breaths.
He deserves better.
Kushina is good for him.
She is good enough.
He's happy.
Isn't that what really matters?
By the position of the moon peeking down at him through gently rustling leaves, he knew he'd been laying on the cold, wet forest floor far too long.
The ache in his side and the pounding in his head confirmed it for him.
It was getting worse he decided upon pushing upright, a long deep groan escaping his lips as he remembered he was indeed injured and still in bloodied Anbu gear. A foul taste lingered in his mouth, a mixture of blood and vomit he guessed.
He hadn't even made it home this time.
With each breakdown he could feel a little more of his sanity slipping away and with his sanity the ability to regain control.
But in the end he always picked himself up and continued on.
It was all he had after all.
His duty to serve his village until death.