A/N: Hello everyone who is reading this, thank you for choosing my story for your reading pleasure. First off, a little bit about me and this fic. I've been a member of the site for a while and, and as you can probably tell from my pen name, have been only a reader up until now. I've always loved writing, but I was nervous about posting my work online for the whole world to see. However, I would really like to become a beta for the site, so publish stories I must. I honestly can't say how often I will update, being in high school gives me a rather unplanned schedule, but I can say that I will try to update as quickly as possible while still keeping good grammar and spelling. This is my first fanfiction, and constructive criticism is always welcome. The story will be told mostly, if not completely, in Kendall's point of view, except of course for the opening. Also, this will be a yaoi, smut, m/m, whatever else you prefer to use fiction, so if you don't like that kind of writing, please feel free to leave now. You may have noticed when you found this story that I didn't put who Kendall would be paired with, no, this is not a mistake, I thought it would be more interesting that way, but if you feel it should be added after the reveal or once the story is complete, please tell me in a review or private message and I will take it into consideration. In the meantime, feel free to review or message me your guess on who you think it will be. Well that's it for my author's note, so please enjoy my story, and thank you for flying Air Lustful Reader.
Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of its affiliates. I have no connection to the band, T.V. show, or any other aspect pertaining to the title "Big Time Rush" in any way, shape, or form.
Kendall Knight was a popular guy, he could admit that, but he never let it get to him. Even after he and his three best friends- Logan, James, and Carlos-had gone from cart-pushing to singing, moving halfway across the country, and trading the ice for the stage, he never let his popularity go to his head. Of course, none of the people close to him would have let that happen even if he wanted it to.
His mother, now legal guardian over the four boys and his younger sister, Katie, still had them do chores around the apartment, just as she had when they had first moved to California. Their manager, Gustavo Rocque, still treated the boy band as the dogs he saw them to be, even though they were now known worldwide, and almost every girl in the world had a poster of them on their wall. All in all, Kendall was a pretty typical teenager, minus being a pop sensation of course. He had family that loved him, friends that supported him, and even some people who hated him. Yes, Kendall had all these things, but most importantly, he had the one thing that made him a real teenager, the one thing that truly made him human.
Kendall Knight, the person that everyone knew, or at least thought they knew, had a secret. A secret so terrible that no one could ever know, lest he become a pariah, cast from society. At least, that's how he felt about it. If he really thought about, it wasn't such a big deal, especially not in modern times, but that was Kendall. He always seemed calm, cool, and collected on the outside, but on the inside his mind always went for the worst possible scenario. He knew deep down that everyone would still treat him the same, his family would still love him, his friends would still support him, and some people would still hate him. It didn't matter that much did it? No one really cared if he was….gay, did they?
Kendall didn't know for sure, he had decided a while back to push all of that away. He didn't want to think about it too much. He knew if he did that he would eventually see reason, but he didn't want to, not right now at least. Right now he just wanted to be normal.
I burst through the door to the apartment, exhausted from the day's events. Gustavo had put us through the pop star ringer; vocal practice, which focused largely on harmonizing, dancing, with rigorous effort put in to make sure we were synced perfectly, hours of recording for the new C.D., and of course, going to the School of Rocque. I managed to make my way over to the couch before collapsing onto my stomach. I rolled over just in time for my three best friends to throw their weight onto a different part of my body-stomach, groin, and legs-and successfully knocking what little oxygen I had out of me. Once I had regained a somewhat regular breathing pattern, I glared at my friends, I was not in any mood to play games. "Get off of me," I shouted, twisting my body with all the strength I could muster and throwing the boys to the ground. "Aww, lighten up Kendall," James said as he began to pick himself up off of the floor. "Yeah," add Logan, "we were just having some fun."
"Well go have fun on someone else," I retorted sharply, storming off to my room. I needed to be alone right now, there was just too much going on. Mom had been moody lately, Katie had been acting like a brat, my friends were annoying me, and to top it all off, I was having weird feelings toward one of them, feeling that shouldn't be felt toward a friend, not a friend of the same gender at least.
It had been about half an hour since I had stormed off, and I was lying in bed when I heard the doorknob rattle. "Kendall, are you okay in there?" It was Carlos, obviously coming to see why I had overreacted so badly earlier. "Yeah, I'm fine," I replied through the door, I didn't want the guys to worry about me, especially Carlos. He was such a caring person, he never wanted anyone to be upset or hurt. "Can I come in? I think we should talk." I didn't say anything, but sat upright on the bed as the door opened and the young Latino came into view. I wasn't really in the mood to talk, but I knew at the very least it would make Carlos feel better knowing that he tried. "Sorry," I said as he walked over to my bed and sat down beside me, "about the outburst that is."
"It's okay, I wasn't offended, and I don't think James or Logan got that upset either. Can I ask why you got so angry though? I mean, we mess around like that all the time."
"I don't know; stress mostly, all the stuff that has been going on around here is really getting to me."
"You mean with your mom and Katie? It's probably just that time of the month, but I understand how that could stress you out when it's piled up with all the stuff at work."
There was a lull in the conversation. Carlos looked at me and could tell that there was something more, something I wasn't telling him. "Is there something else," he asked slowly, as if saying the wrong thing could set me off again. I really didn't want to talk about this right now. "No," I said evenly, "nothing else."
Don't you lie to me, Kendall Knight," he stated more boldly this time, "I can tell when you do." It was true, somehow Carlos always knew when I was lying. He said that I had signals, stuff I did involuntarily when I lied, but he would never tell me when what they were. I knew he was going to find out everything eventually, but maybe I could use a small truth to hide the bigger truth, for now anyways. "Alright," I said, defeated, "I'll tell you, but you can't tell Logan or James. Promise?"
"You have my word," he said, looking me in the eyes with his hand over his heart. I waited several seconds, still not quite sure if I should tell him, even the little truth I had to tell was rather big, but the look in his eyes reassured me, and I knew he would be okay with whatever I told him. "Jo and I broke up last week," I finally said, trying to sound as though it was a casual sort of thing. I hadn't been too upset when it had happened, in fact, I had felt rather relieved. We had decided that we just weren't right for each other. It wasn't anything messy, and we were still good friends, but I knew what my friends would think once they found out, and I didn't really want their 'help' with coping. "Aw dude, that sucks," Carlos said sympathetically, "I'm really sorry bro."
"It's really not that bad, it was a mutual thing, and we will still be friends."
"Then why didn't you tell me, or any of us, sooner?" I could tell by his face that he was feeling some mixed emotions. My only guess was that he was happy I had told him first, but sad because I had not told him sooner. He was still waiting for an answer, which would be easy enough to supply, but I dreaded continuing the conversation. I knew that If we talked much longer, the question of 'why' would come up, and that was one that I wasn't sure I could answer. "I just didn't want you guys to think that I was heartbroken and that I needed cheering up, you guys go a little overboard with that stuff sometimes." There, I had answered his question, now I needed to end the discussion before it got difficult. I could see the next few words forming in his mind, but before he could ask them, I stood from the bed and headed for the door. "I'm gonna go talk to James and Logan," I said before opening the door and looking into the living room, "I think I should apologize for my behavior earlier."