Authors note: DISCLAIMER- I obviously don't own death note so the majority of the characters are not mine. (Alejandro, Elsie, Anna and Coby who are mentioned are my own characters.) This one-shot is based off my other stories and has spoilers for both. It is based some years after the end of the other stories, but It explains everything that happens so it can work as a stand alone thing. This story isn't a lemon, but it hints at some very blatant yaoi. Please review and read my other stories if you get the chance. It means a lot. Enjoy :)
The static of the television had me in a trance as I stared at the black and white dots speeding around the screen like a sandstorm. I relaxed in the relative quiet, focusing my ears on the sounds of rain outside on the window. I tried hard not to think too much on what had been troubling me. But I couldn't help it.
Years later and my dreams were still plagued with it all. I was young when it all happened. Maybe 8 when the worst of it started, maybe younger. The years merged together so that I couldn't remember anymore. But I could remember them. All of them. All that I lost.
I'm Matt. I was now 18 years old. About the age my brother had been. But he was dead, he had been for a while, and he wasn't the only one.
I tried to shake off the thoughts but found it impossible to think of much else.
Wrapping my arms around my knees, tightly pulling them to my chest, I felt myself close to crying again, though my head hurt so much already from struggling to hold back the tears.
I couldn't hold them back.
I cried silently behind my amber tinted goggles, rocking forwards and backwards. I didn't hear the living room door open. I didn't notice the figure haloed by the light of the hall standing there. But I felt the arms wrap around me from behind that I couldn't help but melt into.
I sniffled quietly for a moment, knowing I was safe when I saw the white of the figures sleeves.
"Near? What're you doing here? I thought you got called in for a case." I felt Near's chest rise and fall softly against my back as he sighed.
"I solved it. Anyway, I know there's something wrong with you. I didn't want to leave you on your own for too long…" Near confessed with a slight tremor to his voice. He knew that I understood his paranoia. His unwillingness to leave me alone in my depressed state. After all, we both remembered many instances in the past where leaving a depressed person alone resulted in terrible consequences. We were both haunted by the memories. I shuddered a little.
Near began to twirl my hair lovingly as he spoke, as if with each twist, some of my nightmares would fall away like the crimson hair from his fingers. If only it were that easy.
"I know what's wrong." Near frowned. I wasn't surprised. Being with someone as smart as Near did mean that it was hard to hide things. Nevertheless, I responded like anyone would.
"Im fine." Near rolled his eyes a little and detached himself from me. As he padded softly over to the front of the sofa, he spoke in a slightly harsher tone.
"Mail. Don't lie to me. You know that I can tell when someone is depressed. After all," his face was solemn as he crouched in front of me and took my hands. I know had to look down to meet his stormy grey eyes.
"After all, I've had a lot of experience with such people." He reached up and pulled my goggles off over my head so that my glistening jade eyes met his steely grey ones.
"They wouldn't want you to stay sad like this. And I can't take this for much longer. It's like L all over again. Every day, when I leave you here, I think that I might come back to find you dead on the bathroom floor. Or hanging from the ceiling like A. Or with a gun shot through your skull." Near became visibly choked up. His eyes welled up now and his voice started shaking. All I could do was clutch his hands and cry with him.
"They'd want me to help you! Please Matt! I love you too much to lose you too. Let me help you before history repeats itself. It would kill me. I would die, do you understand me? You helped me when my brothers died. But you've pushed me away. Let me help you." Near pleaded, sobbing with his eyes fixed on mine. His words sobered me suddenly. His tears fell on my hands, washing away my clouded selfishness. I hadn't realised how selfish I was being. How badly I was hurting Near when I ignored him. When I rejected his offers of help.
I remembered clearly what had happened over the years. And felt like a monster for subjecting Near to this again.
Years ago, Near's mother died giving birth to him. His father lost his mind. He thought Near was evil. Had it not been for his siblings, Near would of died. His father tried to drown him as a baby, but was stopped by Nears brother Coby, and older sister Anna.
Near and Coby lost Anna to their father's drunken rage and threatened them into silence. Near was only three at the time. Yet when his father tried to kill his brother, he shot him. He killed his father, and in doing so, he accidently split his personality. Living in one body was Near, the genius with a maturity beyond his years and a loving heart, And Mello, a dangerous sociopath who loved violence and murder.
Because of this, Near was sent to an asylum disguised as a children's hospital. He was badly treated there, locked in a dark room with nothing but his toys to talk too.
He distrusted everyone. He hated them. He would injure anyone who approached him as he was terrified of being abused as his father did.
Except when it came to Coby and his friends. L Lawliet, the greatest detective the world had ever known and his soulmate, Elsie Keehl, the beautiful, funny girl who everyone loved. Near loved the three of them dearly, and having lost so much in his younger years, he relied on them for a sense of security. Near was happy having moved out of the asylum after years of isolation to live with his brother.
That was until a murder occurred at Wammys house. The orphanage in which we all grew up together.
Someone died. Not just anyone.
Two residents at Wammys were Alejandro Jeevas and Beyond Birthday. Otherwise known as A and B, they had been best friend since birth. In fact, A was my brother. As B and A were inseparable and like brothers themselves, I had a close bond with both.
The thing was, Beyond was a schizophrenic.
He was severely beaten by his father both before and after his mother died. His sister, Alodia died at the age of four, leaving him completely alone except for me and A.
A was depressed. B was crazy, and desperately trying to look after me and A.
B completely lost his mind when, after years of failed attempts, A killed himself.
As I recalled all of this, every night, it was burned into my memories. I couldn't peel it away. It was always there. The memory of my brother's death. A had told me that he had an inoperable blood clot in his brain that the doctors said would kill him. He was frightened to the point that he didn't see the point in living anymore. As much as I understood his reasoning behind it, I couldn't help but resent my brother for what he did.
B was my brother too. But as he sank further into insanity, incidents occurred that changed both my, and Near's lives forever.
B murdered my best friend. Miheal Keehl. The brother of Elsie, one of the three people that near loved more than anything. He was distraught when his own brother blamed him for the murder simply because of his split personality.
Although I had lost my friend, my brother, Near still ended up losing so much more.
L, the man Near admired as a second brother and a detective revealed B as the murderer he was. But in turn, B turned on Near's brother. Coby was murdered as B escaped leaving Near with only Elsie and a very depressed L. I understand Near paranoia at leaving me alone, as in the months following his best friend's death, L sank into a depression like A's. It was so intense that he had to be restrained on multiple occasions as he tried to kill himself in various ways. He got drunk and tried to leap from a roof. He tried to stab himself. He tried to overdose. He held a gun to his head and stood at a roof edge. I was the one who saved him in that instance. I knocked the gun away and accidently fell from the roof. L caught me, but I refused to let him pull me up until he promised to stop with the suicide attempts. I nearly fell as his grip on my hand weakened, and his fear that he nearly killed me stopped him from trying again.
I had no-one left.
But I saw how lonely Near had become. He was miserable. I felt myself feeling his pain, and became his friend. I suppressed my own misery to help him as I found myself falling in love with him. Not that I would tell him till years later.
I helped him when his brother died.
I let myself get kidnapped so that Near wouldn't be when one of L's enemies wanted to use him for bait. I helped him stay sane when Elsie was shot dead protecting us and L and I were all he had left.
Many years past and B was captured. He died of a mysterious heart attack in prison believed to have been the work of Kira, and L was killed two years later by the murderer posing as his friend.
I helped Near find love in someone again. I even helped him control his split nature and function as L's successor. It's a long story to say the least. But every detail haunted me. I knew Near was suffering too, but I saw him as stronger than me. I was weak. I knew that. And I never intended to bring Near down with me.
Near and I sit in silence as we both bring our emotions under control.
"I know this is about everything that happened at Wammys. You miss A, B and L. And you miss Miheal. You blame yourself for Elsie's death and feel that you're alone."
Near paused, taking my face my face between his hands and gazing into the teary forest of my eyes. Near gave me such an intent aura of adoration that I couldn't help but gaze back. Near smiled, getting off the flour and sitting beside me on the sofa. He tucked some of my hair behind my ear.
"Im sorry I've been hurting you Nate. I never meant too. I can promise you from the bottom of my heart, my situation Is vastly different to L, or A. I would never do anything to hurt you. Let alone kill you like you said. I love you too much." I put my hands gently through Nears soft hair and pull him closer a little.
"Then let me help you Matty. I can't stand to see you like this anymore. And besides, you're not alone." Near closed the space between us, resting our foreheads together with our noses touching. We both closed our eyes.
"I'll always be here with you Matt. Whenever you want. I'll do anything for you if it will help. You're more important to me than any case, or person. And I have loved you from the moment you forced me to aggressively play video games with you." Our lips brushed lightly against each other as he spoke. Just the closeness made me feel better as I breathed in the light smell of vanilla and coffee as I twirled his snowy hair as he had done to me. I felt him smile.
We leaned into each other more. Just at the last moment though, I smirked. The knee that Near had previously had against his chest to balance in his usual way was swiped out from under him, causing him to fall backwards in surprise. I fell over him with my arms on either side of him like a protective cage, daring anyone to touch him. We both laughed lightly as I continued to smirk.
"Playing video games isn't all im aggressive doing." I grinned deviously. Near smirks back, tilting his head a little, shifting his hair that's spread behind his head in a halo.
"Oh really?" Near laughed as I linked my fingers with his against the sofa cushion.
"What did I say to change your attitude? I like it. Could you tell me so I can use it again?" Near giggled a little. I brought our lips together possessively.
"It's just your voice Nate. It's so damn cute, it's difficult to react differently than this. It just adds to the reasons that I love you." Near blushed lightly, smiling, and dragging me down into a kiss again. Honestly, Near is not as innocent as others may think. He was fifteen the first time we did this, and he was the one who started it. It makes me laugh still to think about it. How shy he was.
While I was distracted, Near laughed and flipped our positions. We both laugh quietly, muffled slightly by our kisses.
"Why don't we go upstairs? Take your mind off things?" Near smiled smugly. I tilted my head a little and nodded with another smirk.
Near pulled me to my feet and in turn, he climbed onto my back. I carried him upstairs and into the bedroom with ease.
I don't know what I would do without Near. My little glimmer of hope in a despairingly dark world. He lights it up like nothing else can.
As we drifted to sleep in the early hours of the morning, facing each other with our hands entwined together, I couldn't help but watch him. The steady rise and fall of his chest, the smile he slept with.
And I realized that I treasure him more than even my own life.
Despite everything, Im happy at how everything turned out.
A, If you're listening. I miss you. Near has helped me recover. Im sorry for thinking bad of you. I love you, brother. But I think im finally healing.