Prologue
Is it normal to sometimes resent your old self?
And not the reminiscing down, memory lane to when you were a kid naive and pure and didn't know about what life held so you were ignorantly happy. That's not what I mean.
I mean the part of you that was broken and depressed and sad and felt and was passionate because it hurt but that meant something felt real. You felt alive, you felt the blood pumping through your veins even though it was toxic because disappointment was your drug and O.D.'ed every time.
Sometimes I want to go back to those moments.
I am laying in my bed and it's a Thursday supposedly happy morning. I can hear my alarm clock going off and I hear the eternal alarm clock of Riley's voice telling me to "Wake up Peaches it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. This is the perfect day for us to meet new people and we get to learn about-!"
Blah. Blah. Blah.
I know if my Riley voice is kicking in, then I must be late. But I don't really care and I refuse to pretend in my own room that I care about anything anymore. I feel numb.
I rather feel something than feel nothing so I'm having a little problem here.
I really don't understand what my issue is because it's not like anything feels out of the ordinary. I honestly should be happy. My mom and Shawn are well, my friends are doing amazing and are healthy, Riley is cheerful, and my paintings lately have been spectacular. But this morning I don't feel like I can do anything. My phone buzzes next to me on my nightstand table.
From: Honey
"Peaches wakey wakey, time for us to start a new day!"
I stare at the text not amused and lift my body up so my back is leaning against my wall but my legs are still firmly snuggled in the covers and I nonchalantly throw my phone on my bed, but I feel it buzz again.
From Honey
"Don't nonchalantly ignore me!"
How does she always know what I'm doing? I wonder. This is a great time to look for the security cameras I swear are implanted in my room, because Riley is too on point sometimes.
To Honey
I'm omw.
I think I lie to Riley to make her feel better because we both know that when I say I'm on my way, I'm really not on my way but maybe in 20 minutes I will be.
The reason I'm late is because I know Riley wants to get breakfast before we go to school. And by breakfast I mean her boyfriend, Lucas. He meets us at the McDonalds around the corner from the school. We eat breakfast for about 30 minutes, or at least I eat breakfast and watch videos on my phone while those two flirt, but it's a good tradition non-the-less. I get free breakfast (Lucas always pays) and I get to catch up on my Netflix feed. Not that I don't have the time. It's just nice to watch and rewatch shows to help get my morning started. I'm weird like that.
But I'm feeling sluggish. I'm reluctant to get up out of bed. I feel like a "what's the point" mood and I don't remember feeling like this yesterday. I can literally feel every second ticking like a loud bass drum and the longer I stay in this bed the longer it will take for me to change and get ready, and the longer Riley will be mad that I am later than expected.
The longer I get to put off seeing Lucas, though.
Nope, nope bad thoughts Maya. He's her boyfriend, you shouldn't even be thinking about him. IN ANY WAY! Buuuut, I am. I don't want to see Lucas. Is that my problem today, I feel numb, slugusish, "what's the point" because I have to see Lucas. It's not like Lucas has done anything to me. You know, expect lead me on only to reject me for my best friend.
That does not hurt one bit.
It's not either one of their faults anyway, I told him to find her. He had his choice to pick either one of us, and I just pushed him to the right choice. The girl who fell into his lap all the way from the right side of the train. The girl who writes on her journal how they are going to be together forever. The right girl.
Right? Right.
I just feel numb and not together because I don't want to go to school.
I like my outfit today. It's different than my usual style but I swear it is not anything like Riley's. I'm not trying to have a repeat of people accusing me of being like her.
I choose a white tank top with a neck line of frill. I'm wearing a pink bomber jacket with black thick lines on the sleeves, and high-wasted sweatpants. I feel sporty and cute and my hair is down and free. I think that changing my clothes has awaken me. Or maybe it's this McCafe coffee, because I'm vibrating in my seat wondering if Pam and Jim, from The Office, are going to kiss. Either reason might have lifted my spirits up, at least enough for the boy next to me to decide to stare at me.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Come on, it has to be something because you have been looking at me as long as Riley has been in the bathroom."
"It's just, you look different or acting different, I don't know. Are you okay?"
I suddenly feel like we are on a beach, after surviving a boat crash. The wind is flowing through my beach like curls, and I must look breath taking even though I just swam for miles because he's looking at me, like really looking at me. Deep into my eyes and communicating that he knows something is troubling me and that I'm scared and that I want to hide. But he knows that I can't hide from him.
He reaches for my hand, covered in sand and lazingly plays with it all while looking at me. It's enticing and loving and I never felt this way with anyone. He squeezes tight and lays me down and gets on top of me. He's not crushing me but hovering and brings his head down to my ear. He softly whispers,
"Are you okay?"
Wait, what. Of course I'm not okay, I just swam for miles to a deserted beach, you weirdo.
"Maya!"
I'm brought back from my day dream realizing that he had just asked me a question. I guess I got lost in my thoughts.
I'm weird like that.
"I'm fine stop looking at me like that."
We're sitting at one of the tables that is on one side has a bench and the other side has two chairs. So when he scoots closer to me on the bench and grabs my face, I'm shocked of how much friction has failed me on the plastic bench and I can't scoot away in time.
"What are you doing let go of my face..." I feel myself frowning and I feel his hand loosen but he still is holding my face tight enough for me not move out of it. Or I don't want to move out of it.
Shut up Hart!
He mumbles something to himself and states, "I want to see if I could read your thoughts. Your hiding something from me Maya" My thoughts? Nope don't think so pal, but maybe next time.
"Maybe next time, but your girlfriend is about to be back any second dude, so let go"
He instantly drops his hands and looks away, blush creeping down his neck. It's as if he knew what he was doing was wrong. And bizarre. He's right. Because if holding my face has shown either one of us anything, it only leads to us- almost- having moments. And he has a girlfriend.
Who's my best friend?
So no time for almost.
But he was so close.
And even though it was so weird, it was a moment.
"Did I miss anything riveting," Riley asks as she plops down in her seat across from Lucas.
Lucas and I shake our heads no. Well, I know he's shaking his head no because I'm looking at him. He's focusing all his attention on Riley, and grabs her hand.
"What took you so long, sweetie?" he questions her.
Riley goes into a 200 page novel on what happened in the bathroom and I put my head phones back in my ears and get up. I do not want to sit here while he pretends to be a boyfriend to her while having moments with me while she is gone.
Because he's lying. You don't have a moment like that, that intense, one moment and then the next sweet talking your girl. Something is wrong with him.
Or maybe I'm making it up all in my head.
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