An update per week if I have time...
So you better pray that I do.
Don't own shit, like always. Characters belong to E. L. James, acknowledgement of lyrics at the bottom.
The last weekend with a submissive had never been this hard to think of for Christian Grey, but this brunette derailed him. In his grand scheme of plans, women had never been any part of it. While he needed women to entertain him during the weekends and to relieve him of the stress, he never saw them as a permanent fixture in his life.
When he talked to John the other day, the expensive charlatan asked him a question.
"Now, close your eyes. I want you to imagine a weekend without a submissive." He did what he was told, albeit reluctantly, he started to picture the next weekend. Usually, he would wait a while before getting the next submissive if the previous contract was terminated, and the next weekend would be exactly those filter weekends. "What do you feel?"
"I don't know. How can I know?" He grunted a response, still with his eyes closed.
"How were your previous weekends between subs, Christian?" The doctor asked gently.
"Repetitive."
"And?"
"Boring."
"And?"
"Lonely?"
"That's something new." He murmured under his breath, and that made Christian open his eyes to see the therapist writing on his notepad. "Now, picture a weekend without Anastasia."
"It'll just be like all the other weekends when I don't have a sub." He shrugged nonchalantly, failing to see the point of bringing up the name of his current submissive, the only girl they've talked about during sessions.
"Tell me this then," the good doctor shifted in his seat, approaching the problem from a different angle, even though Christian didn't know what issue was there in the first place. "Throughout your three-months contract with this girl, we've had…" he paused, flipping through his notes, "including this one, five sessions — three in here, and the rest on the phone." He flipped back to the current page and looked up at Christian's confused face. "Why?"
"What do you mean why?"
"You see me at least once a week, but you've blew me off since that girl signed your contract."
"I don't need you."
"Okay. Let's see, the first time you mentioned her to me was when you were trying to get her to sign your contract. You told me she was not into the lifestyle but was willing to try but never found the Dom." Christian nodded, still failing to see the point of going over the contents of their previous sessions. "You told me you've never been so happy to contract a sub." He nodded again, still frowning. "Then it was your phone call to me when she told you that she wasn't available during the week when you called." Dr. Flynn paused before continuing. "Your next appointment was about you finding out that she had been drinking in the club where you two met, you went there and she saw you and slipped out. You went thermonuclear on Taylor when you saw her drinking with a man and not with her best friend."
"Because fucking Elliot was with Kate." Christian scoffed at the memory of that night.
"Now, your fourth appointment." He continued, completely ignoring Christian's outburst. "A phone call. You were confused why you never had the heart to deliver her the punishment she deserved but turned each and every one of them into something painless and pleasurable. You said you enjoyed it and she agreed."
"Okay. Where are we going with this?"
Dr. Flynn smiled. "Since this girl came around, you seemed a lot better. Happier, and more bright in general. And, not to mention, all your appointments are about this girl."
"Yeah, because she's driving me insane."
He nodded at his patient's frustration. "What did you feel when you saw her at the bar that night with a male friend and not Kate?"
"I've told you this before."
"So you remember that feeling then."
"Of fucking course."
"Then are they the same feelings that you feel when you thought of her leaving after the contract ended?"
"Are they?" He asked himself with the contract in his hand, musing over the question and analyzing his feelings when he imagined how the afternoon may go. He wasn't even ready to see her when he heard the door to the submissive's room open and close.
Then his eyes landed on the clause that many submissives found ridiculous, funny or interesting. He had seen all sorts of reactions to this particular clause when he handed the contract to the women. Again, his current one was the only one without a reaction. Right from the beginning, he just knew that she would never cease to amaze him. He knew that she was trouble the minute he saw her reaction, rather the lack there of, when he presented that contract in front of her.
/The submissive is granted permission to sing for the Dominant before the termination of the contract, regardless the reason for termination. The submissive is allowed to refuse such performance, and is also permitted to gift the Dominant a song of her choosing, if she does not wish to sing./
He knew this clause could bite him in the ass and he was wiling to pay the consequences since he had also noted that the contract was still in effect during the performance. He thought if he was still the Dominant, giving the submissives an opportunity to express themselves would be humane.
When it was the end of a contract, he would remind them of this clause and they were given the choice to sing or leave. Twelve out of the fifteen had either gifted him a song or performed something for him. He would sit in the great room and video-tape the whole thing. It was for his entertainment but also to add to his insurance that the subs were all aware of.
When they perform, they weren't allowed to touch him nor get closer than the normal distance either, but they had no other restrictions. He didn't know what to expect from them when they performed, because their songs were chosen by themselves and not required to go through him. If the submissive didn't confess after the song they would do it through the song, and all twelve of them had told him in different forms that they were in love with him. In hindsight, he would like to believe that some of them were just infatuated with him but not actually in love.
He didn't want to think of Anastasia Steele as number sixteen. She wasn't just a number to him. He knew he was quite taken with her the first time he laid eyes on her and after the session with John, he knew that his obsession for her went beyond just liking the idea of having her with him.
…
"Miss Steele," he started when she stepped into his office. "Please, take a seat." He had only used that tone with a submissive when they had thoroughly pleased him during the contracted period or in their latest session in the playroom. He found himself using this tone with this particular submissive more than he had in his previous relationships.
Anastasia sat down on the seat that she sat on when she first came over to negotiate. Looking at the items in front of him on the table, she fidgeted nervously.
"Am I clear to assume that you do not wish to continue our arrangement?" He asked.
She nodded, her eyes downcast. "Yes, Sir."
"Can I persuade you to think about extending?" He find himself asking before his mind could stop him. The gasp coming from her confirmed his lack of control at that moment.
She hesitated but spoke in the end. "I'm really sorry, but no, Sir. You can't."
"May I ask why?"
"I'm not sure you'll like the answer to that question, Sir." She replied, timidly. He nodded, silently weighing the risk, debating whether to take it or not.
Deciding against it, he sighed and took the stapled paper in front of him and placed it in front of her.
"Miss Steele, this is the NDA that you signed. Please keep in mind that this is in effect for as long as you're alive." He emphasized.
"Understood, Sir." She nodded.
"Good." He said, taking it back and closing the folder that it was in, placing it to the side of his desk. "Now, I believe there is a clause in the contract that allowed a performance from you before I announce the end of our arrangement."
"Yes, Sir."
"Do you wish to sing or gift me a song of your choice?"
She looked uncertain, and even tensed to an extent, but he waited patiently. Taking a deep breath, she released her bottom lip from her teeth and he let out a breath at the same time.
"May I ask has any sub perform to you, Sir?"
"Yes."
"Did any of them gift you a song, Sir?"
"Yes."
/It's now or never, Steele./ She thought to herself.
"Then, yes, I'd like to sing for you." She said, sounding more determined, but there was still the lack of confidence in her voice.
"I should remind you that it will be filmed."
"I understand, Sir." She said, getting up and following him out of the office and into the great room.
"Can I know the name of your song?" He asked when he was setting up the camera. He wouldn't normally ask them this, but for some reason, he wanted her to ease up seeing her this nervous in front of him.
"Have you inquired with other submissives, Sir?"
"No. Just you."
"Then no, Sir. You may not know the name of the song." He stared at her, not feeling offended or striped of power, but astonished at the confidence in her voice and the answer she gave him. "I'd prefer you don't insist on knowing the name, Sir." She added nervously.
"I can still punish you, you know that right?" He was just teasing her, and he knew she wouldn't be intimidated by that and would see right through his bullshit.
"I'm fully aware of it, Sir." She replied, looking at the not set-up camera and the Dominant sitting behind it on the couch.
"Ready when you are." He said, glancing at the camera to ensure that it was recording. He actually recorded their entire conversation, something he had never done before, but he felt like doing it.
She went to the iPod resting on the counter on the side, after fiddling with it for a few moment, the sound of the electric piano came through the stereo. She blushed at the recording. When she looked up, she saw him smiling at her, apparently thinking about the same thing.
…
She couldn't remember what led to that heartfelt confession from her Dom, but it was one night when she was sleeping in her bed after an intense session in the playroom with what started as a punishment but quickly turned into an overwhelmingly pleasuring playtime.
That night, he came into her room and sat on her bed next to her sleeping figure. She knew he was there, she could feel his presence the moment he entered the room. Not wanting him to go, so she remained still.
He reached for her hand and held it in his lap in both of his hands. She thought he felt bad for whipping her with a belt, even though it didn't even went past three strikes before he switched tactics without much of an explanation. It was her shortest punishment, but she wasn't about to complain since she hated belts and canes and he liked them, so she was glad when he only went up to three hits.
Just when she was about to drift back to sleep with him stroking the back of her hand, he started speaking, in a really really soft and gentle voice. One that held so much emotion and showed so much vulnerability to the man she admired. She could never forget listening to that speech. He told her about his formative years, and she could hear how much it affected him. She wanted to comfort him but she also didn't want to startle him at the same time, so she kept her eyes closed.
He left her with a kiss on the forehead, and pictures of the small young boy, helplessly sitting next to his dead mother never left her mind that night. Her eyes shot open immediately after his confession. It was in that moment, that she knew.
Anastasia got up and shrugged into the robe behind the bathroom door after waiting for him to settle back into his bedroom. She snuck out of the door and head to the media room, the one where she would never step foot in even when she was told she was allowed because she didn't want to get too comfortable and show too much to a man that she only knew sexually.
For the second time that she was in there, the first being the time when he took her on a tour of the house telling her the places she was allowed and places she was not. She tiptoed to the recording set at the far corner. Praying for the room to be soundproof, she blocked out the thought of snooping through his X-box set and pushing away the thought of playing video games, it could've been real fun to play it but she refrained herself.
Sitting on the bench in front of the electric keyboard, she looked around to check all the attachments and tried to figure out how it worked. She recognized the set that he owned but never used it before herself. Now that she was in front of it, she was giddy with excitement but also nervous to get caught out of bed.
As she looked around, part of her mind drifted back to the time when she first looked at the contract. When she saw the clause about performance, she almost said no to the Dominant, but on second thought, she didn't think she could say that after witnessing him watching her dance in a club full of people. Since then, she knew she could only agree to a three month arrangement because ultimately, she would want a normal relationship and not a sexual, contracted one. She only wanted to experience BDSM after reading so much about it.
Ever since she signed the contract, she would always think of songs that she could gift him in the end, but whenever she thought she had a good one, a weekend with him dismissed that thought immediately.
The confession earlier made her thought of the perfect song. She knew him to an extent but now that she knew more, she was more firm about her choice of the song and she decided to record it for him instead of singing in front of him because she didn't want to be filmed.
Pulling her phone out and finding the song, she listened to it over and over again just to play the background music herself and record it. She thought of finding the karaoke version online, but she didn't want the voices of the backup singers, so she put on the headphone attached to the keyboard and started to record.
She didn't know what attracted him since she was certain that she wasn't making any noise loud enough to pass through the wall and out across the great room to his bedroom.
Startled, she looked up to the slightly opened door, she knew he was peaking in and looking at her, because she felt him.
"What are you doing out of bed, in the middle of the night no less?" He asked, his voice not accusing but curious.
She bit back the remark about sounding like her father, and looked to the ground when he walked into the room, approaching her. She stood up quickly, not wanting him to see the content on the screen. She knew he played so he could understand the music score that she was writing.
"I asked you a question." He chuckled, stopping when he sensed that she didn't want him to see what she was doing.
"I'm sorry, Sir, but I thought I was allowed to be in here."
"You are, but I'm just curious as to why you're here in the middle of the night."
"I- um…" she stuttered, not knowing how to tell him.
"Are you doing a project?"
"Yes." She answered quickly, "it's for you, Sir." She added, just trying to avoid talking about it.
"For me?"
"Yeah… uh… it's supposed to be a surprise." She explained in a small voice.
"A surprise? For me?"
"Yes, Sir." She almost sounded exasperated. "Have you not gotten a surprise before?" She blurted out before she could stop herself. "Sorry, Sir."
"I don't like surprises, so people don't usually try to surprise me." Completely disregarding her apology seeing no reason for her to apologize.
"Can you, please, make an exception for me, Sir? I promise it's nothing bad." She pleaded.
"Okay, I'll you make an exception for you." He replied softly, giving her a rare smile. "Now can you tell me why you're in the dark?"
"Oh, uh, I just forgot to turn on the lights. I was too excited." She replied shyly.
"Then I'll leave you to finish it before you forget your muse completely." He said, walking up to her, lifting her chin up with his forefinger and planting a gentle kiss on her lips before turning around, turning on the lights and closing the door behind him.
It might just be her seeing too much into the small goodnight kiss, but she was more confident of the song that she was going to gift him.
…
I believe, I believe there's love in you
Gridlocked on the dusty avenues
Inside your heart, just afraid to let go
Moving gracefully into the room, Anastasia glided into the room with grace. In that very second, Grey understood the reason behind Anastasia's unusual choice of dressing.
An ordinary girl like her would like to be in a t-shirt and a part of jeans because she never wanted people to notice her, so she would dress as plainly as possible.
But today, she was in a dress that was obviously one from the wardrobe that he bought had and was forced to accept as a submissive.
It was a long silk dress in royal blue. It would definitely not be her go-to clothes normally, but both of them had to admit that it suits her, despite not being her style. She looked more elegant and as she grazed her entrance by gliding over the floor like a graceful dancer that she was, the hem of the dress hovering just above the ground and seemingly touching it but also not at the same time.
Listening more closely while watching her dance, he realized that it was her voice. He was floored at the sound of her voice and her steps knowing that she was no professional ballet dancer and pegging her more like a street dance kind of girl since that was what she was doing when they first met. At the same time, he liked this contemporary dance routine she was doing.
I am more, I am more than innocent
But just take a chance and let me in
And I'll show you ways that you don't know
He scoffed at that thought of letting someone in but smiled when she said she was more than innocent. He would definitely beg to differ when her face flushed the first time he asked her of her hard and soft limits. She was so uncomfortable when they talked about sex, he thought if that wasn't her innocence then what was.
For some reason, that just poked right into his non-existed heart. It was what John Flynn kept telling him, that he was too guarded and he needed to let some people in because sooner or later, he would realize that he was lonely.
I do remember telling him that I felt lonely. He rolled his eyes to himself, checking that Anastasia was too busy dancing to not notice that subtle move, he let out a small relieved sigh.
Don't complicate it
Don't let the past dictate
Yeah
I have been patient, but slowly I'm losing faith
If the previous part of the verse wasn't talking directly to him then this definitely was. He shook his head at the wit of this woman. All the other women were singing about themselves, about relationships and feelings, but this woman amazed him to no end. Here she was, singing to him what his therapist had been telling him ever since they got to the bottom of his problems.
Past. That meant that she had heard his confession. He shuddered at the thought of anyone knowing anything about him personally. To an extent, he was ashamed of it because whenever he said it to someone, they would pity him and look at him differently, and he didn't want that.
So please, I know you baby
I know you baby
So please, I know you baby
I know you baby
It was then, he knew that she was saying something to him. She heard his story and she saw right through him. It amazed him even more just how much this girl really knew him.
She might not know much about him, but she definitely knew her, better than he knew himself.
When they were together, he had an inkling feeling that she felt something for him, too. In spite of the spark that he was trying to ignore, there was something in him that felt connected and attached to her. No one had called him 'baby' before and he didn't give any endearment to anyone either, but that didn't stop him from calling her 'baby' in his mind, he just failed to notice.
I believe, I believe you could love me
But you're lost on the road to misery
And what I gave to you
I could never get back!
Don't complicate it
Don't drive yourself insane
Yeaaah
Say what you will but I know that you want to stay!
For some reason, the way she confessed her love for him didn't annoy him. He welcomed her profession of love and for one, he felt like something in him settled down.
The more he listened to the words, the less he focused on her dance moves.
[So please, I know you baby
I know you baby
So please, I know you baby
I know you baby]
Staring at the girl moving in front of him, he could almost feel her begging him. From her moves and the expression on her face, he thought she looked desperate and maybe even in despair. He would like to think that it was just part of the performance, but he knew those girls poured their hearts into the preparation because it was their only chance to declare their love for him.
Chemicals rushing in
I know it's you that I belong to
I'm burning like a cannonball in the air
Crashing into who I belong to
Ooooh oh, ooooh oooohh
Now, that's a little presumptuous, but I'll take it for now. He thought to himself, but on second thought, the idea of her being with someone else made his blood boil. If he enjoyed everything with her, then other people would too, and he didn't want something this good in other people's hands.
He knew she was a free spirit and she lived like one. He didn't know if he wanted to know about her life that didn't include him, because he couldn't really stomach the thought of the female personality of Elliot out in the public without him.
I have been patient, but slowly I'm losing faith
Please, I know you baby
I know you baby
So please, I know you baby
I know you baby
Please, I know you baby
I know you baby
So please, I know you baby
I know you baby
(The shadows of your heart
Are hanging in the sweet, sweet air)
I know you baby
(The secrets that you hide, control us and it's just not fair)
I know you baby
(The shadows of your heart
Are hanging in the sweet, sweet air)
I know you baby
(The secrets that you hide, control us and it's just not fair)
I know you baby
He never felt so exposed than the moment Anastasia bowed elegantly in her sophisticated, chic silk dress, and raised her eyes to look directly into his. It wasn't the first time he saw her eyes, but the raw emotions in them somehow drew him in as he gazed into her eyes.
For the first time, he fully registered just how beautiful they were. Why he hadn't had that thought yet was beyond him, but he knew that pair of eyes ruined him right that moment.
"Why this song?" He blurted out, still entranced in her eyes, and that question seemed to have broken the spell because she broke their eye contact and looked away.
"I'll admit, this isn't the one I originally wanted to give you."
"What happened?"
"You happened." He cocked his head, waiting for her to elaborate. "You came into my room that night and you told me about your past." She bit her bottom lip nervously. "I was awake but didn't want you to stop talking so I didn't make a sound."
"Is that why you were in the media room."
"Yes, I changed my mind about the song, so I decided to record it myself because I wasn't sure if I was able to sing in front you, so I chose to dance to it."
"And you did splendidly."
"Thank you, Sir." She bowed her head again, appreciating the praise.
"What was the original song that you wanted to give me?" He asked her while standing up to reach for the camera that was still videoing.
"I wasn't going to give you something sentimental, but your confession that night kind of made me change my mind." She smiled shyly and timidly at him, peaking up at him to see his reaction through her eyelashes. He smiled back, hoping to ease her nerves so she could continue. "Originally, I was going to leave /Save Rock and Roll/ by Fall Out Boy with you."
"Because?"
"You'll find out once you hear it. It sends a very subtle message and I hope you can grasp it."
…
With that, Anastasia went to her room to collect her bags and belongings. She had already changed and packed up the clothes and everything he had bought her, ready to sell them the moment she got back to her own apartment. She left the car keys here with a note explaining that since she was no longer his submissive, she couldn't afford to take care of a car like that, so she was giving it back.
At the foyer, she was expecting to meet Taylor, but instead, she met her ex-Dominant.
"Hi," she said softly, "I was expecting to see Taylor."
"Why are you trying to scream no?"
"Huh?"
"I listened to the song you originally planned to give me."
"Oh," she giggled, "because you're too spoiled. You always get what you want, you're not used to people saying no to you, so I thought why not be the first one to do so."
"You're funny, Miss Steele."
"I try." She laughed as a smile surfaced his face. "You're pretty interesting yourself, you know? You'll just have to learn to have some faith in other people."
"Do you have faith in me?" He asked in an attempt to keep her talking and keep her from leaving by stepping into the open elevator door.
"Yes, I do, Christian." She said, taking a step closer to the elevator. The way she said his first name made something snap inside him.
As if on instinct, he surged forward and grabbed her hand pulling her back, startling her. She closed her eyes, letting out a breath because she almost turned around to attack him. Turning back, she saw him having an internal debate, so she squeezed his hand, a gesture to encourage him to tell her what was on his mind.
"I have a proposition for you." He began, "give me 24 hours to prove to you that a normal relationship between us is worth a shot."
She didn't believe him because he was insistent that he didn't do romance.
"I mean it, Ana. No one understands the way you do, no one makes me feel the way you make me. I don't want to put a label on my feelings but I want to explore it with you and eventually label it when we figure it out together." He elaborated, he knew she was still doubtful. "Just 24 hours not a second more not a second less. If by this time tomorrow, you still think I'm unworthy of your love, then I will never bother you again. I promise." He looked sincere, even shocking Taylor who was trying to walk as normally as possible.
"What about your work?"
"I'm taking tomorrow off, and if you agree to my proposition, I can call in sick for you. If they need any kind of proof, I can forge one for you. But please, a day. I just need one more day with you."
"Okay."
Full lyrics of Save Rock and Roll — Fall Out Boy
[Intro]
Until your breathing stops, stops, stops
Until your breathing stops, stops, stops
Until your-your-your-your-your, forever, forever
[Verse 1: Patrick Stump]
I need more dreams and less life
I need that dark in a little more light
I cried tears you'll never see
So fuck you, you can go cry me an ocean
And leave me be
[Pre-Chorus 1: Patrick Stump]
You are what you love
Not who loves you
In a world full of the word yes
I'm here to scream
[Chorus: Patrick Stump]
No, no (no, no)
Wherever I go, go (go, go)
Trouble seems to follow
I only plugged in to save rock and roll (rock and roll)
No, no (no, no)
Wherever I go, go (go, go)
Trouble seems to follow
Only plugged in to save rock and roll
[Post-Chorus]
Until your breathing stops, stops, stops
Until your breathing stops, stops, stops
Until your-your-your-your-your, forever, forever
[Verse 2: Elton John & Patrick Stump]
Blood brothers in desperation
An oath of silence
For the voice of a generation
Woah
How'd it get to be only me?
Like I'm the last damn kid still kicking
That still believes
[Pre-Chorus 2: Elton John & Patrick Stump]
I will defend the faith
Going down swinging
I will save the songs
The songs that we can't stop singing
[Chorus: Elton John & Patrick Stump]
No, no (No, no)
Wherever I go, go (go, go)
Trouble seems to follow
I only plugged in to save rock and roll (rock and roll)
No, no (No, no)
Wherever I go, go (go, go)
Trouble seems to follow
Only plugged in to save rock and roll (forever, forever)
[Bridge 1: Elton John & Patrick Stump & Both ]
Oh no, we won't go
'Cause we don't know when to quit, oh oh
Oh no, we won't go
'Cause we don't know how to quit, no, no
Oh no, we won't go
'Cause we don't know when to quit, oh oh
Oh no, we won't go
'Cause we don't know how to quit, no, no
[Pre-Chorus 1: Elton John]
You are what you love
Not who loves you
In a world full of the word 'yes'
I'm here to scream
[Chorus: Elton John & Patrick Stump]
No, no
Wherever I go, go
Trouble seems to follow
I only plugged in to save rock and roll (rock and roll)
No, no
Wherever I go, go
Trouble seems to follow
Only plugged in to save rock and roll
[Outro: Patrick Stump & (Elton John) & Both]
Oh no, we won't go
'Cause we don't know when to quit, oh oh
Oh no, we won't go
'Cause we don't know when to quit, oh oh
No, no, we won't go (wherever I go, go)
'Cause we don't know when to quit (trouble seems to follow)
Oh no, we won't go (I won't back down, save rock and roll)
'Cause we don't know when to quit, (oh oh)
Oh no, we won't go (wherever I go, go)
'Cause we don't know when to quit (trouble seems to follow)
Oh no, we won't go (I won't back down, save rock and roll)
'Cause we don't know when to quit, oh oh
—retreived from genius dot com
I Know You by Skylar Grey
Save Rock And Roll by Fall Out Boy
Now, can I just say that even this is after in the New Year and not before (like I said in Office Fantasy), at least you got this short (as in like 24+ chapters) story in the end. So, can you please review?
X