The Oddest Christmas in Cullen History
Alice Cullen flashed into the living room where her family sat by the tree, "Sorry all, lost my robe." Alice lied, "Sure." Her brother, Emmett said suspiciously, as her mate,
Jasper walked in behind her. "Hey, we're not the last out; I don't see Edward or Bella." Alice argued. "Hey guys, I'm here!" Renesmee Cullen waved; she sat on Jacob's
lap. "Yeah, and we can't start until your parents are here." Jasper grumbled, then, Edward and Bella stalked in, "Next Christmas set an alarm so you don't work overtime, Mum, Dad." Renesmee snapped at them. "Let's open presents!" Emmett
rubbed his big hands together. "I'll hand out gifts!" Esme offered. The presents were passed out at vampire speed. "Alright, alphabetical order, Alice, you first." Esme said "Okay." Alice shrugged. She picked up the biggest box, it was wrapped in bright green
paper, "From: Edward." Alice announced, "And I have blocked out visions of this so I would be surprised." She added. After she tore open the paper, a packed box appeared; Alice dug through the peanuts, and pulled out a large book, "Depthes of the Human Phsyce, nice Edward!" Alice said happily, "Alice, keep digging." Edward pushed.
Plunging her small white hands in, Alice withdrew a red Abercrombie sweater. "Oh, thanks Edward!" Alice gave him a big hug. The next present was a pleated gray sweater dress, from Bella. Emmett gave her a Gucci (is that how you spell that?)
sweater. Rosalie's gift to her was a neat laptop; her current PC was close to death. Renesmee and Jacob gave her a gag gift, Advil for her psychic headaches, along with a black velvet formal gown. Esme and Carlisle bought her a $6,000.00 gift card to
Abercrombie. Jasper's gift was the very smallest, a white gold locket, with a picture of the family (including Jacob) on one side, and a picture of just the two of them on the other. Hanging on top of the circular locket, was a shrunk version of her engagement
ring, which was to big for her bony fingers, small as this gift was, it meant the most to her. "Bella, open presents!" Esme said excitedly. Bella opened Rosalie's gift first, which was some new sheets for her and Edward's bed, if Bella could've blushed, she
would have been on fire. Esme and Carlisle bought her an original Michelangelo painting, Bella loved that. Alice gave her a singing card that sang 'I love shoppin', yeah!" and the card came with a forced shopping spree, Bella said she would hit Alice
in the face, then Jasper had snarled at her. Renesmee bought her mother a necklace that said, 'Love you Mum.' in French. Jacob gave her a card with an enormous sum of green cash, then Bella saw why, the card asked him if he could 'have Renesmee's
hand' (AKA Jacob is saying "Hey Bells, mind if I marry your kid?") Bella smiled at him, and Jacob knew that she wasn't going to answer him that moment. Jasper gave her an Abercrombie gift card, supporting the small Alice that sat in his lap, he
grinned a huge, smug smile, and Bella growled at him. Emmett's was the worst, he gave her a singing card also, this one sang (And this is himself and Jasper singing), 'I love Lingerie, a-ha-a-ha-ha-ha- WHOOO!!' Bella lunged for his face, then she saw
the Victoria Secret gift card, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice all winked at Edward. Bella saved Edward's gift for last, "Hey you already gave her her present, you were late, remember!?" Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper said in unison, winking in unison at
Bella, Edward thought they must have rehearsed. Edward's gift was a ring with Edward&Bella, carved into it. Rosalie simply gave her a framed picture of Renesmee. "Carlisle, dear, your turn." Esme informed. Carlisle received a new stethoscope, a
scrapbook, a blue silk tie, new slacks, a book called, The Human Autonomy, and a new baseball cap that said The Cullen Vampires :All 4 ONE & ONE 4 all!!!, he laughed at this. Everyone else opened their gifts, when Edward opened his 'can I
marry your kid' card from Jacob, he and Bella conferred and decided it was okay, they nodded to Jacob, who looked as if he would burst. Jacob himself got a lifetime supply of sweats, literally. Esme cried when Carlisle gave her a locket that said forever my
own, on it. Jasper was ecstatic with the silver wedding band Alice gave him. Rosalie got a long, lovely red dress. Everyone held their breath as Renesmee opened the small velvet box that contained her ring; she looked at Jacob, who had a piece of paper, a
survey that said, Renesmee will marry Jacob or No. Renesmee was crying as she said yes. Bella cried to, and Esme, even Edward shed a couple sobs.
"C'mon you sentimental lot, lets play Truth or Dare!" Emmett shouted. Groaning, the others joined him in a circle. "Alice, truth or dare?" Emmett shot out "Dare!" Alice challenged "Alice, The seattle opera house is performing Hamlet, you are goi ng to go there in your unmentionables, flirt with Hamlet, kiss Hamlet, throw him of the stage, then opera sing La Cooka Ratcha." Emmett said evily.
Alice, in only unmentionables, ran to the opera house, Rosalie shouted move to the grown ups in front, and they quickly scurried out of the way. The Hamlet guy walked out on stage and began to sing. Alice skipped out gaily. She waltzed up to the actor and made her high voice husky "Hey, tiger, you didn't call me after that wonderful night we spent together." Alice said. Hamlet had started sweating "Oh, well-" He began to speak "Oh, tiger, don't speak, just make it up to me tonight." Alice cut him off then kissed him.
She threw him off the stage "Now people listen up!" Alice shouted, then sang La Cooka Ratcha opera style. She turned around to bow when she was done, mooning the audience. Emmett, Rosalie, Bella, and Edward were cracking up, Jasper fought a smile. The Cullen's hightailed out of there, when Alice was redressed, she zeroed in on Bella.
"Bella, truth or dare?" Alice asked "Dare." Bella said meekly. "I dare you to put on the black Lingere I gave you last year, a wet white shirt, then go over to Mike Newton's house, seduce him, then when his back is t you, dart out of there, and steal all of his boxers. Then do the same to Eric Yorkie." Alice challenged
In a see through white shirt and ran to Mike's house, a garbage bag over her shoulder. She tapped on Mike's window, he opened it "Bella?" He asked "Hello Mike." Bella jumped nimbly into his room. It was plastered in Scooby Doo. Scooby Doo sheets, rug, paint, even Scooby Doo pajamas. "Hi Mike, how are you? Bella asked. "Good." Mike was dazed "Well, Mike, I came to tell you how much I like you." Bella said "But, I thought you married Cullen?" Mike asked "Edward, we divorced three months ago, I want you." Bella grinned. Mike turned around to pull off his clothes. "See ya sucka!" Bella shouted. She repeated the dare with Eric, then tumbled home. "Emmett, truth or dare?" Bella asked "Dare!" Emmett threw down.
"Emmett, I dare you to put on Esme's front snap bra, stuff it with oranges, Eric's underwaer, and Rose's see through robe, then go to the Jonas Brothers concert, act like a crazed fan, jump up on the stage, then kiss Joe, and say, 'You want some!?' Then unsnap the bra, when the oranges fall out, grab the mic and shout out the chorus to 'Opps I Did It Again'. Then, moon all of the little children." Bella said cruelly.
Emmett dressed, using jumbo oranges. They all ran to the Jonas Brothers concert. Jasper making out with Alice got the kids to move out of the front row. Emmett stood up when Joe started to sing S.O.S "Joe!" "Joe I love you!" Emmett screamed with thousands of other girls. Emmett jumped on the stage when Year 3000 started. He ran up to Joe and made out with him. "You want some!?" Emmett asked Joe, motioning to the bra. Before Joe could refuse, Emmett unsnapped the bra. The oranges tumbled out, and without missing a beat, grabbed Kevin's mic and belted out "Opps I didit again, I played with your heart, and got lost in the game. Oh baby, baby… Opps you think I'm in love, that I was sent from above…I'm not that innocent!" Emmett finished singing, whirled, and mooned the little children, "Who wants to smack this?" Emmett asked. Every child froze. Then Emmett hightailed off and out, his family followed.
"Jazz, truth or dare?" Emmett asked "Dare, dur." Jasper grinned "I dare you to go to the production area of Barney- you have to wear a pink skirt, a pink shirt with a kitten on it, a pink head band, pink earrings, necklace, bracelet, pink ballet flats, pink tights, and paint your nails pink-then, cut off the barney cameras, then connect them to ours, then, you have to say 'Hello children, Barney couldn't make it today, so Uncle Jazzypar is going to tell you all about the birds and bees, and why humans have these urges.' Then spend four hours talking about these subjects, when someone comes to get you, kiss them, girl or guy." Emmett said.
Decked out like a pink rose, Jasper and the Cullen youngsters went to the Barney production site. Jasper situated himself on a baby blue backround.
A little girl in a pink robe sat somewhere in Oregon, waiting for Barney to come on. "PBS kids will now show a whole four hours of Bar-" The camera was cut, and the little girl saw a cute boy in girl's clothes on the screen. "Sorry children, Barney was sick today, he had the flu. But PBS has a special surprise for you. Uncle Jazzypar-that's me- is going to tell you all about the little birds and the bees." Jasper cooed. The girl's mother was watching. "Annie, you will not watch that disgusting he-she talk about inappropriate things!" The girl sat on the remote, "No mommy, he is hot!" Annie said to her mom, whose jaw was on the floor at her three year old daughter's words.
Jasper spent four hours on that subject, and when a male guard came to restrain Jasper, he kissed him. "Bye kids!" Jasper said "Emmett Cullen rules!" Emmett said when he cut the camera. They ran at vampire speed to their home. "Rose, truth or dare?" Jasper grinned "Dare." Rosalie said passively. "I dare you to go out, find a teenage girl making out with a cute guy, and act like you and the guy spent the night and whole nine yards." Jasper grinned.
Rosalie waltzed out to find a dark haired cutie kissing a normal looking brunette, ugly to Rose. "You jerk!" She shouted "You idiot player!" The guy looked up, confused "Don't look at me like that, you and I spent a beautiful night last night, dinner dancing, unmentionables, and you said you loved me!" Rose continued screaming "So, I need to have one night to myself and you find yourself an ugly toy? " Rosalie guestured to the girl "Hey, I am not ug-" the brunette began, but Rosalie cut her of "Shut up prostitute!" Rose turned back to the guy, "You are a fat, ugly player, I don't know what I saw in you." Rosalie scoffed, then stalked off . Emmett and the rest of them were laughing their lungs out.
"Edward, truth or dare?" Rosalie asked, rubbing her hands together. "Dare." Edwar said meekly "Edward, I dare you to go into the mall, and act like a total womanizing player. Grab as many girls as possible in five minuets." Rosalie grinned.
Edward walked into the mall. He grabbed a brunette's hand and towed her away to the wall. "Hey cutie, how are you." Edward said seductively. Looking intrigued, the brunette smiled "Good." She was about to introduce herself, but a blonde passed him. "Whoops, gotta go." Edward said, walking to the blonde. "Hey, you wanna go find a closet somewhere?" Edward said in her ear quietly "Sure." She replied exitedly. He led her to a restroom, but a black head with rich curves wiggled her fingers, and he dumped the blonde. He caught the black head's arm. "How is your life? Got a boyfriend?" he asked chuckling. "No, would you like to try for the spot?" She asked "Maybe, how about Saturday at seven?" Edward suggested "Cool." The black head said. Edward saw Bella, that was his time marker "Gonna have to cancel that date." Edward said to the black head, who turned to see him kissing Bella. "You sucked Ed, only three girls in five minuets?" Emmett said, "What you wanna do is file fast, grab her rear, make the date, go, you could have had three times as many chicks." Emmett was disappointed in his brother "You're sick Emmett." Bella sneered.
"We have nothing to do now." Emmett said glumly, "Why don't we all go to our rooms and chill?" Jasper suggested, looking deep into Alice's eyes. "I vote that." Everyone said I n unision "Fine, but tomorrow, we pull pranks." Emmett growled "Gives us some thing to look forward to." Bella led Edward to the cottage.