It was a slow day at the Mall and Willow was bored. She was leaning against the doors of the Museum of History with a cigarette between her skinless fingers. The ghoul was running out of her cancer sticks, this was the second to last and soon she would have to retreat back into the Museum building to harass Tulip for more. Heaving a sigh she dragged another long breath and flicked loose ashes to the ground.
Clouds were slowly gathering on the sky, covering every spot of blue with their sickening grey and soft wind carried away the smoke the ghoulette exhaled. From time to time Willow could hear the Brotherhood assholes having a go with the muties just around the corner, but they didn't get close so she couldn't get bothered to check out who was winning. It wasn't like it would've mattered anyway.
Willow rolled her eyes to the sky. On days like these she didn't even know why she bothered to drag her rotting corpse out here. The Underworld barely had any visitors, raiders didn't wander this far and the muties just didn't care.
Suddenly the sounds of gunfire and inhuman screeching grew louder. The noises carried easily over the open air of the Mall. There was nothing new about that, but Willow could swear the fight was getting closer.
Finally some action, she thought and flicked the butt of her cigarette to the ground. Hands now free, she drew out her laser rifle and started approaching the corner of the building cautiously. She craned her neck as the noises kept coming closer and closer. Not too far off a mutant let out its dying gurgles.
If it was those Brotherhood pricks, she was just going to get back on her post and light her last smoke.
A super mutant appeared out of the trenches on the ground, running full speed and screaming like a mad dog. Willow damn near pulled the trigger but the mutie ran past her. It nearly stepped on her toes as it went but didn't even seem to notice the ghoul in his rage. It didn't get far, though, before it was gunned down a stream of red laser.
O-kay. Either the Brotherhood outpost had gained some serious upgrades – which would be bad – or some trigger-happy individual had decided to start a purge on the mutated menace – which wasn't good either. Willow sucked on her yellow teeth and peered behind the corner.
The first thing she saw was the dead and/or dying green corpses still smoking on the ground. They had never even stood a chance, brainless idiots. But the culprit behind the bloodshed was nowhere to be seen. Willow tightened her hold on her rifle and kept looking.
There. Behind that one big guy!
A sentry bot.
"Shit!" Willow muttered pulling quickly back behind the wall. Her heart was in her throat, beating painfully. A sentry bot. Had it spotted her? It must have, those tin cans had tracking systems that put bloodhounds to shame. And against a robot that had just decimated at least half a dozen of muties Willow's riffle would do jack shit.
She needed to make a run for it. If she got back in the Museum and got Cerberus and Charon they could beat it down together. She was not going to risk her life for something as petty as pride.
Before she could take another step, though, she heard a voice. A voice that didn't belong to the scene one bit.
It was high-pitched, distinctively human and sounded pleased.
Curiosity was not a trait that promised a long and healthy lifespan in Capital Wasteland. Shit, for all she knew the voice was pre-recorded as a lure for softhearted idiots. But the ghoul just couldn't resist. Slowly she leaned in to take another peek.
The sentry bot was much closer now, slowly and unsteadily making its way over the crumpled pavement. It dodged the mutant corpses with some difficulty and looked raggedy as shit. It had wires hanging from bullet holes and the left side of it was charred like it had been burned recently. But it wasn't the one doing the talking.
Just behind the bot, a smoothskin in a tattered business suit was following and talking nonstop to no one. Willow raised what remained of her eyebrow. The smoothskin was carrying a scruffy suitcase in one hand and a piece of paper in another. It looked like a woman, but the ghoul couldn't be sure with the distance between them. The smoothskin kept angling the paper around and tilting his or her head from side to side, lips never ceasing their movement. And was that a camera hanging from the human's neck? Yeah. That definitely was a camera.
Okay. Willow had to admit. She was interested now. She pulled back behind the wall and breathed a long sigh. This was just her luck. A crazy human with a killer robot? Great. She had no idea if they were going to be hostile or not, but the bot had just mowed down six muties with no problem.
With her luck the smoothskin was going to tell the attack bot to shoot Willow just because she was a zombie.
Oh well. That's life for you. With trembling fingers the ghoulette dug out her last cigarette brought it to her rotting teeth. It took a few tries before she got the lighter to work but soon the soothing smokes filled her lungs.
The tin can rolled around the corner and spotted Willow immediately. It stopped and lifted its arms higher to aim at her but didn't shoot right away. Well, at least that was something.
The human was still talking as she came into view. And yeah, Willow could tell that she was a woman now, there were curves there that would have just looked out of place on a man. Her pinstripe business attire was dusty and caked in blood but somehow she had had time to tie a red tie around her neck neatly. She didn't look like she had any weapons on her, though.
" – told her to book the bigger auditorium for us. She just doesn't listen, damn rookie, pardon my French. I can honestly not tell what Chad sees in her. I would not be caught dead with a tramp like that. Oh!"
The smoothskin stopped talking when her eyes landed on Willow. And then she just stared at the ghoul only a few steps away through her cracked glasses. Stared, glassy eyed. Willow noticed that the human had tried to make a neat bun out of her hair but dirty strands poked out at every direction of the wind.
Willow waited with bated breath.
The smoothskin's face scrunched up to an unpleasant scowl and for a moment Willow feared the worst.
"Do you know what those things do to your body?"
Willow blinked. "Um… What?"
"Those… Those… things. Cigarettes. Do you have any idea what they do to your lungs?"
What the hell? This was not the reaction Willow had expected from the smoothskin. Her smokes? Was the bitch making fun of her?
"Are you for real?" she asked.
"Where are your parents, young lady?" the human demanded. She was wagging her finger now. Wagging it right up to Willow's face.
"I don't know, dead I bet," Willow snapped and took a step back. Whatever the human was playing at, it was making Willow very uncomfortable.
Suddenly a look of pure horror and regret filled the smoothskin's face and Willow had to do another double take. What was this now?
"Oh, I am so sorry," the human said. She moved the piece of paper to her armpit and put her newly freed hand on Willow's shoulder. The ghoul stiffened at the contact. "I am sure you are a good girl, not like those punks back there. But dear, it's getting late and good girls your age should be home at this hour."
Alright. This crap was getting weird. Willow looked the human up and down and then turned her eyes on the bot. The sentry was scanning the area, offering no explanation. Willow turned her attention back on the frazzled smoothskin.
What the hell was going on?
"This is my home, smoothskin. But what are you doing in here?"
The woman smiled absentmindedly and removed her hand from Willow's shoulder to grab the piece of paper again. Willow could see faded colors on the paper forming some sort of lines. "Well," she said, "the seminar ended early today, so I thought I'd do some sightseeing while I still have time."
"Sightseeing? Don't tell me you're another tourist, then," Willow said holstering her rifle. Then, after a quick thought and a look at the robot she dropped the cigarette and ground it under the heel of her boot.
The smoothskin just laughed and nodded. "Indeed. Now, excuse me, I do not have the whole day to dawdle around. Cheerio!"
"Yeah, bye," Willow said slowly and watched the odd duo climb the stairs into the Museum building. The sentry bot was proving to have some trouble getting in, but after a few failed attempts the smoothskin and the bot got in.
Out of sheer curiosity Willow followed the odd duo in and watched the woman go to the torn old lobby desk. She stopped next to a computer terminal that had a hole through its screen and crossed her arms. Then she just waited.
Okay, Willow was staring to connect the dots. It was either radiation poisoning or drugs. Either way, this smoothskin had a few screws too many loose in her head. She didn't seem violent, though. Not a threat to the ghouls of the Underworld. The ghoulette shook her head and pulled back out.
Willow mulled around the Mall for a few more hours, kicking pebbles around and wishing she had just one more smoke. Just one, that was all she needed. At one point some muties came to drag their fallen comrades off somewhere, but aside from that, nothing as interesting happened that day. Around the nightfall she decided that she'd have enough of this and that Tulip owed her a pack. Willow trudged up the stairs to the Museum and thought about getting a short nap before getting back out.
At that point she had all but forgotten about the weird smoothskin. The ghoul was soon reminded about her existence, though, as she found the human by the same spot where she had left her before, standing by the counter, tapping her heeled foot against the floor.
"Can you believe this, Jeeves? I will have to write a very strong worded letter to the management of this place, that is for sure! The service is absolutely abhorrent! Do they even know who I am?"
"Shit, are you still here?" Willow asked.
The smoothskin flinched in surprise, which in return had the sentry bot letting out an auditory warning. Willow lifted her hands, showing her empty palms to the bot. Not that it would help her if the thing decided to turn her into ashes.
"Mind your language, young lady," the woman said. "And yes, I am still here. Can you believe the audacity? The service in here is putting the whole museum to shame."
"What?"
"I am trying to purchase a ticket for Jeeves and I, but the clerk is nowhere to be seen! I have been waiting for hours!"
Willow wasn't sure what she was supposed to say, so she just licked her lips and crossed her arms. "Yeah, that sucks."
"Indeed."
Willow moved past the smoothskin. The human remained on her spot, staring at nothing.
The smoothskin would probably stay there the whole night. Crazy people were so unpredictable. Greta would have a laugh when she'd get out for her break, this was just too much. Willow stopped and looked at the human over her shoulder.
Oh, why the hell not.
"You know… I just remembered that there's a… today's a national museum day. It's a free entry just for the day, right? So you can just… go in, I guess."
The human's eyes lit up and she smiled brightly. "Really? Is that true? How did you know?"
"Well… I did say that I live here, so…"
"So you did. Well, this is just wonderful news! I just wish these people had had the forethought to advertise this a bit better, don't you agree dear? I had no idea!"
"Yeah, well," Willow said rubbing her neck. "It's a real… shame. You had to waste hours of your time to just…"
"Oh, pish tosh, water under the bridge, dear. Come on, Jeeves, we're going in."
Willow watched how the weird duo waltzed in to the Museum. Well, the human was doing the waltzing, the bot rolled after her, rattling like there were grains of sand and dust between its wheels. What a pair of weirdoes.
The surprises weren't over, though. Instead of heading straight into the Underworld, the woman steered her steps towards the infested areas.
"Hey, hey, hey, lady," Willow said grabbing the smoothskin's shoulder. "You don't want to go there. There's… ah… bad crowd over there. The Underworld's where the action's at."
The human just tilted her head and smiled. "Oh no," she said. "I find that exhibit a bit too morbid for me, thank you very much."
Morbid? Willow shook her head. She was just about done with this broad.
"Okay, do what you want, tourist," the ghoul said. "Your funeral."
Smiling blissfully the smoothskin and her robotic friend opened the door to the closed off section of the Museum. Soon the sound of laser fire filled Willow's ears.
Maybe the bot would take care of it. The sentry bots generally were sturdy and this one had just a few hours ago wasted those super mutants. Willow remained glued to her spot, waiting to hear what would happen next.
She could have gone after them, could have offered them a helping hand. But she didn't. Instead she went to Tulip's and harassed herself a new pack of smokes. And then she returned to the entrance to wait if the odd couple would make it out in one piece.
Willow wasn't disappointed. I half an hour the smoothskin and her robotic companion walked out of the west wing. The human didn't look any different from before aside from some fresh splotches of blood on her camera.
"Ah!" the smoothskin exclaimed as she spotted Willow. "You're still here, dear. Shouldn't you be in bed already?"
"Nah. Maybe. Just wanted to see that you make it out alright," the ghoulette said and crossed her arms. The human's smile didn't even twitch.
Yep. This one was way out of it.
"That is so kind of you, dear. So kind. Isn't she a dearie, Jeeves?"
The bot said nothing. The smoothskin's smile just widened. Her teeth were showing at it made Willow just a tad bit squeamish.
"So…" Willow said slowly.
"Ah!" the human gasped suddenly looking at her wrist where there was a broken wristwatch. "We are late, Jeeves! Oh dear. We really must go."
Willow watched as the smoothskin scurried around, angling the paper again. From this angle Willow could see that it was actually a map. Too bad it wasn't the map of Washington D.C.
"Come now, Jeeves. We're taking the metro!" the woman declared, marching out of the Museum doors without even a backwards glance. Willow just followed with amusement as the bot tired to roll after its master, bumping against the closing door.
And just like that, the basket case and her tin can were gone.
"What the hell was that?"
Willow turned around to see Greta leaning against the doors of Underworld with a burning smoke between her fingers.
"Your guess is as good as mine," Willow said.