Tonight is Ours
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Sniff, sniff.
We can go on like this for hours, and we most likely will.
This is because we only have hours together left, so we are savoring the summer like nothing else. Tonight is ours, and we have only until tomorrow morning, tomorrows sunrise will be the last we share before we both go back into the real world where we can never be together, but maybe this is it, maybe this is all that we were meant to share, and then we would be over just like that, no longer meant to be, but I cant think about that now, so I settle for running across the sand as he chases me; my cardiovascular system is awful, very much a thing of the past, so I run into the water and close my eyes as it washes over me powerfully and cleanses me of my past sins, but I'll sin again and never repent because my love for my producer shouldn't be so goddamn taboo.
I feel his arms around me, assuring me that tonight is ours, tonight we will watch the stars come out and play, we will lay under them and name constellations and lazily draw on each others naked skin, and wait together for the sun to come up and then know that we will never have this again, because although tonight is ours, the world gives us nothing more than this, not even a promise of tomorrow, or a maybe someday, so we have tonight, and we'll make the most of it because we have to, and we always do what we have to because we're Tommy and Jude, and I'm seventeen and underage and he's twenty-four and still my producer whom I'll love forever until I die.
Tonight is ours – tonight we'll count the stars and make love on the sand and wash ourselves and then make love again in the sea. We'll do this for hours on end because it's all that we've got before we're once again left with nothing but dreams and a star that we'll always share and name as if it were our first child, because God knows that that's the closest that we'll ever come to any of the American Dream, even if we are in Canada.
I hate the silence so I giggle, the silence screams to me, you'll always be Jude and you'll never have Tommy again, and I know that this is true, so when Tommy's lips are on my neck I laugh extra loud and moan for longer than necessary to cover the truth that eats away at me like a disease that you can't get rid of.
I love him, but we'll never get forever, the closest that we'll ever have is the shift in scenery, the interim between summer and fall where nothing is the way it should be, and when it is, it can't stay that way forever because transitional periods will always remain that – transitional, until you find the real thing, or maybe something less real but a little bit more concrete, a lot more conventional and not something that will get you fired from your job.
I splash water at him, it covers the screaming silence that echoes in my head, so I'm glad, especially when the waves wash over us, warm yet cool at the same time, the touch of the water lingers like magic, and the water is ours, the stars and the moon belong to us, every little thing about this night belongs to us because this night is ours and ours only.
Tonight we wont think at all, we'll use our hearts to determine our versions of right from wrong and we'll play like kids on crack, laugh loud and hard, fall a lot and have the time of our lives because this will be the last, only because it has to be and we can't change this one fact (it eats at me like a flesh-eating bacteria.)
It's funny, to me at least, that even though he's right here, right with me, merely an arms length away, I still can't get him off my damn mind. He's the only thought that runs through my head as my body is completely covered with warmcool water, the only thing I think of when I laugh and wrap my arms tightly around him and breathe in his warm scent, watered down only slightly by the smell of salty seawater.
Tonight is ours, and as such is the last night (I try not to think that it's the last night ever, but the thought runs through my head smoothly like the high tide) that we can afford not to think, only to feel, and to live gloriously in the moment. We can be whatever, whoever, we want, and nobody is here to tell us about rules, regulations and the law. We know that here there is no chance of getting busted, no chance that he will get arrested, that our label will drop us, here in this moment, in the seconds that tick away between the end of summer and the first sunrise of the fall, we are free, here we will play forever and we will go on unendingly, it will play forever, my screams and his laughs, in tune eternally, where no one can find us and nothing here can hurt us, not when this is us, not when it is all ours.
We own this night, we own this time, for it is all that we are left with at the end of our day, just a few stolen moments and this time is all we have, all that we can say we ever really shared, but this time, this night, it is ours forever, nothing can change this.
We hold hands and run together back onto the sand, leaving wet, dripping footprints and imprints in the warm gold sand (I pray that the water does not wash them away, I want something tangible to prove that this time is not just a dream.)
We look like tools for sure, the moonlight shines down upon us, the water is dark, with long white fingers that ache to pull us back into its salty warm coolness, my hair is dripping wet, a dark shade of blonde and all messy, unstructured, unwanted curls, my bikini is drenched and the wind I can feel all the way down to my core, my insides, my bones, but I catch a glimpse of Tommy, all wet hair, sticking up at strange angles, his chest dripping with moisture as he runs a hand through his hair with a little grin tugging at his lips, and when I see this I forget about the chilling wind and all that I can feel when I see this is a strange warmth exploding right into my heart, where Tommy will always be.
We sing and we dance, sometimes old singles of mine, sometimes duets, classic rock, whatever pops into our heads, and like this we carry on for hours on end until the sky begins to lighten a little and we lay on the wet sand where the water comes up to dance against our feet. Our chests rest together and we breathe in unison, alternating between watching each other and watching desperately as the sun comes up.
He smiles at me, bittersweet, against a background of a pretty pink sunset that I don't think I could hate any more even if I tried (this sunset signals the end of all that I have ever held dear.)
Tears blurred my vision, fat and warm, clouding my usually perfect sight, blurring my beautiful producer's face (it would be better like that though, to see him as a blur rather than the most beautiful, fascinating person that I have ever known but I'm too masochistic for that.)
Despite the tears I could see the big, bright ball of yellow-orange in the sky, no longer obscured slightly by the sea, but hanging now perfectly in the sky.
This was it, we were done – just like that, with the rising of the sun we were over. No more love, no more beach, and certainly no more summer.
I looked to Tommy, my eyes filled with tears, though I had never seen anything so clear in my life. He smiled sadly at me, extending his hand to fit my smaller one into it and squeeze gently. I had never seen him so clearly, for as beautiful as he was, that was the only way that I had ever seen him, the only way that I had ever known him to be, my beautiful producer, but now, so close to him, I could see the beginnings of age lines on his perfect face, a scar above his left eyebrow; I could see beyond his prettiness, his eternal perfection. Now I knew him so much more intimately than that, but I would have to make myself forget, so I settled for letting the tears fall.
"So… This is it, huh?" My voice was cracked, and I was broken, I had never felt so tired in my life, yet only hours ago I had never felt more invigorated, more alive.
"I guess so." He let go of my hand easily, as if it didn't pain him nearly as much as it killed me to lose the last contact of my skin on his. He settled for rubbing the back of his neck, easing the tension that he felt there. "I'll… I'll miss you, Tommy." My voice cracked as the tears fell, rolling slowly down my cheeks. He softened at me, his eyes blue and wide, pretty as ever. "I know." He smiled lightly at me, walking away, leaving nothing but his footprints in the wet sand. I ached for nothing more than to follow him, to leave my own footprints next to his and to follow him like that, by his side, for the rest of eternity, but he would never have that.
I sunk to my knees, I would love Tommy for always, and I prayed that somehow the moments we shared, the nights that belonged to us would be enough for me, that the memories would make me strong enough to be able to get through another monotonous day without the love of my life… but he was gone now, and I didn't know if I would ever see him again.
I would always love him more than he would ever know, more than anybody would ever understand, but that would never be enough for him. I would still always have the nights that were ours, the ones that belonged to us, and maybe that would make me strong enough until we met again, but I doubted it, I wasn't as strong as I had always wished that I could be.
I looked to his footprints, most were washed away with the sand, but I could still see his retreating form far away, so far, that I could barely make him out, that I could barely recognize him, but nevertheless I would always love him, in the warm days and balmy nights spent on beaches, at pools, in bed, I would always love him, and even if never shared another night again, I would always remember the last one that I could call ours.