Title: Kids and Turks – not a good idea
Subtitle: raising kids by Turks
Chapter: 1 - oneshot
Summary: Reno gets the results of a one-night-stand
Pairing: none
Rating: T
Warnings: kids and vomit
A/N: Thanks to :devcosplay-neko-chan: and Luara for the idiocrazy and plotbunny
A/N2: Hunting plotbunnies in Tilburg… they're everywhere! They've already conquered the world!
---
He had this awkward feeling when he stepped into Rufus office. Only before and after a mission he entered that place, or whenever there was a problem.
Right now, none of the three options applied to him.
'Reno…' He noticed his boss, Tseng and a basket on the desk. Some odd sounds seemed to erupt from it, 'have a seat.'
He settled with his feet on the table.
'Feet off the table.' Grumbled Tseng, 'still, after all these years, you haven't got manners.'
'Do you know what this is?' Reno stared at the basket Rufus gestured at.
'A basket sir.'
'Do you know what's in it?' Rufus had this eerie smile plastered upon his face, spelling no good at all. But it was the way too kind voice, that made it frightening, even for the Turk.
'No sir.'
'I do. And Tseng does too. Unfortunately.' Rufus handed him a file, stating DNA-Test results, 'You do know that when you applied for the job as a Turk, you had to give up a DNA sample?' Reno overdid it and gave semen sample back then.
'Yes sir.'
'I do too. Because… when we found this on our doorstep, it was logical to perform a DNA-test. Especially with some redhead being the said father.'
'What redhead being what father?'
'How many redheads work here, Reno? How many natural redheads, I mean?' Rufus pointed out delicately.
'Ehm…' it remained silent as everyone in the room could Reno's mind going into overdrive.
'Exactly!' Rufus pointed out where the results were, 'there's a positive match between you and the baby girl.'
There was an awkward silence.
'What? Wait!' Reno shook his head, 'positive match… does that mean?'
'Yes Reno. You are the father…' his boss reached out and grabbed the basket, dumping in his lap, 'to this baby girl.'
'WHAT?!'
As result the girl started a wail so loud, Rude rushed into the office with gun drawn, 'Sir? You alright?'
'It's okay, Rude, Reno just activated our latest security system.' With a faint smile Rude left, glad that nothing happened to his boss.
'But… If I'm the father to this… girl? Than… I'm the father?'
'Yes Reno. You are.' Tseng stated, 'I think it's time you stopped screwing around and take at least one job serious: fatherhood.'
'but….'
'No more drinking, learn manners and dress properly. Children have this tendency to imitate the parents. We don't want another Reno running around, now do we? And above all: clean out that horrible apartment of yours, it's like a pigs tine.' His blonde boss glared daggers at him, 'well?'
'But… Can't Elena do something with that? I mean… She's a girl for crying out loud!'
'You try and ask her.' With a snort Tseng stood, 'since she's your daughter, and since the DNA-results confirm that she's your daughter, you raise her. Here's the letter from your one-night-stand.' The man left, leaving Reno and Rufus alone with the baby.
'She's five months old, her name is Melisande Sinclair and her mother won't raise her… because she wants to be unbound? What kind of a reason is that?!'
'The same you had, before this girl was thrown into your life. Well, what's it going to be? Raised by you, or orphanage?'
'Definitely not orphanage!' Reno hated the orphanage.
'But are you up to it? I'll already cut your missions-scheme in half, so you'll have more time for the girl, and the missions are less dangerous.'
'what do you mean?' A little confused he stared at both men, Rufus cut his mission schedule in half?
'If you die or get captured in some mission, who will raise the girl? You are the father after all, so she's your responsibility. Do you even know how to change diapers?' that had to be a fun thing to witness, where it not Rufus wouldn't appreciate stains on his pristine white clothing.
'No…'
'Ask Elena… she did some babysitting before she joined the service.' Tseng snickered, 'perhaps the rookie can teach you in this matter… rookie.'
---
The little stinker caused Reno to back away as far as possible. Damn, with that foul stench she could kill a complete Wutaian Unit. He should try once.
'So… is that my little girl? Yes, that's my little girl!' Cuddling she raised the baby from the commode. Instantly the girl grabbed her blouse and stared inside, 'No, there's nothing there and these two are empty! Now let go of my blouse… good girl… here's dahdah!' she handed her to her father, 'she's hungry. Now test the milk on the inside of your wrist before you bottle feed her.'
'Bottle… feed?'
'You know… you take the bottle, make some milk, warm it and stuff the nipple in her mouth?' Somehow Reno didn't understand the difference between the nipple of a bottle and the nipple of a woman's breast.
'Nipple? I thought about bottle feeding and you start about breast feeding?'
'Reno…' she gave him a very serious look that made him back away, 'you need to learn a lot. Really.'
---
In the end Reno found out what bottle feeding meant. And how to change diapers. And learned a lot of nursery rhymes from Elena. Before he knew it, he hummed "twinkle twinkle little star" in the office, making Rude mad with the silly song.
Little girls however… have tendency of growing up.
When she was about one year old, she tried something all grown-ups do.
'YOUCH!'
Rude looked up from his work, seeing Reno with his neck tensed and desperately trying to release something that was pulling his head back, 'Get it off! Get it off!'
'Get what off?' He grabbed his camera and walked over to his partner, 'like this?' Completely helpless Reno had no choice to sit this through.
Very satisfied with the photograph snapped, Rude stared at the little girl, falling onto her bum now she had been caught in the act.
'Did you pull daddy's hair to get up? You're a strong girl, you know. Very strong, well done!' Rude praised the little girl, cuddling her. He was rewarded with her endless giggles, 'yeah, who's a good girl neh? You are the good girl!'
Melisande tried to stand up again, grabbing her father's large pony tail and pulling herself up by it. Reno's head was pulled back again, and he cried out in frustration and pain, 'get her off, get her off!'
'Shall we be nice to daddy?' Rude asked the little girl, who gave him a frustrated look. She failed in standing upright again.
Smiling Rude offered her his fingers, a mistake he shouldn't have made. Instead of his fingers to pull up on, she reached for his glasses and stuffed the shades in her mouth. With skilled fingers – she must have inheritated that habit from her father somehow – she broke the shades in half.
Reno watched them in bewilderment. If he stepped on the shades, he was mangled, tortured and scolded at. But now… Rude smiled about Melisande breaking the shades.
---
Elena saw it happening.
Every now and then Rufus tried to help out for a little bit. After all, he had a soft spot for the little girl.
Rufus had given Melisande a bottle, and forgot to let her burp. For some odd evil reason, she decided not to tell him.
Melisande begun to wail, wavering her small arms at Rufus.
'What? You want to play? Okay, you play with uncle Rufus if you want. You want to be an airplane? Airplane Melisande, taking off from Shinra airport!' He smiled and raised the baby high above him, playing she was an airplane.
That was the biggest mistake he'd ever made.
Melisande, hiccupped, threw up and giggled madly, when she saw her uncle Rufus all covered in baby vomit…
His white suit and hair, his face… it dribbled into the neck and down his chest, it soaked his clothes.
Elena couldn't stop laughing, like Melisande.
He knew the source of evil. He would take care of it. 'Thank you so much… Melisande…'
---
When she was four years old, she attended school for the first time.
She was just like her father: fearless. Yet her natural red hair got her into trouble. The elder kids picked on her, teasing her and yanking her hair.
Reno didn't mind to be picked on. He was a Turk. If he turned around to face the morons who dared to mess with him, he chased them off right away. If the idiots were stupid enough to remain standing still, he used them as target practice. Or at least, he drew his gun to make 'm run away.
Now his – HIS – little girl was picked on. Something snapped.
'Hey doll. How was your first day?' Totally innocent – as if that was possible – he picked her up. Immediately she buried her face against his shoulder.
Sniffling she clung on to him, 'I wanna go home. Why can't I be blonde, like Auntie Lena?'
'Now now, what is that? Tears?' she muffled a yes against his shoulder, 'Well… what are we going to do about that?'
'Go home and never come back?' she piped up with a small voice.
'No… Turks never retreat. We regroup!'
'T-Turks?' one of the boys who harassed Melisande said. Now he recognized the black suit and the red hair.
'So… we regroup, do some practice with Uncle Rude and then you come back and kick their butts like a good Turk, right?'
Melisande gave weary nod, 'yes poppa.'
When she looked back at the troublesome kids, she noticed all had scrambled to the four corners of the school yard.
---
When she was seven years old, she got her first class of karate. Tseng judged her intelligent enough to understand she couldn't kick everyone in the face.
What was even more fun, was her interaction with Tseng.
Secretly Reno recorded everything with a small miniature camera. Elena, on a mission, just had to see this.
Tseng, almost 1,70 meter tall, versus Melisande, 90 cm tall. There was also a big difference in weight. Tseng weighed nearly 80 kilo. Melisande weighed not even 30 kilos.
When class was over and Melisande got to do some sparring with Tseng, to show her father and Rufus how far she had progressed, Tseng showed a different side of him.
With lots of "ouch!" and "oh no save me!" he tried to defend himself against the small girl, somewhat disgracing himself.
She kicked furiously, pounded into him with her small fists and feet and in the end he fell onto the tatami, defeated.
'You give up?' she let her weight drop onto his chest and pinned him to the ground.
'Blergh… I'm DEAD!'
A shock went through her. 'Is he really dead?' She gave her father a frightened look, who in return, could barely contain his laughter. Tseng peeked at her and shut his eye as soon as she looked at him again.
'Never ever let your foe fool you, my dear. Especially not if the foe is named Tseng.' Rufus gave her a small warning. He was enjoying himself.
Immediately she grabbed his neck and tried to pin him down, but the man got up with a roar and tickled her all over, 'you give up? You give up?'
'Never! Turks never surrender!' she managed to shout between the giggles.
---
But that's the troublesome thing with girls growing up. There comes a day when being a father means that he couldn't help her out. That day came when she was thirteen years old.
'No dahaaaad!' she muttered, 'I don't want you go come with me to buy a bra! Then you'll know what I have for underwear.'
'I already do your laundry, so I'll always know what you wear. What's the point?'
'You're… you're… you're a man!' wow…that is some point. Just wait until you're seventeen, then I'll get to kill your first boyfriend for even staring at you.
It didn't work, whatever he tried. So he did the last thing humanly possible.
'Elena!' rushing into her office the woman looked up from her work.
'There's a door. You may knock on it before you enter.'
'blahblahblah. Melisande is having girly habits again.'
'and since she's in her teens, like thirteen years old, she'll have more of those habits.' Was Elena's remark, 'what is it this time? Period? Breasts? Boys?'
'Undies.'
'The domain of the woman.' Tseng muttered, 'I never step in there again.' He had bought the wrong size, judging Elena's breast a size too small.
'I know. Been there done that.' He would never forget that one moment of shopping with Elena.
'At least with sex-ed she's at the right address.' Tseng snickered as he walked out, earning a deadly glare from Reno.
---
It was around the age of fifteen when it became clear her behaviour was pretty much similar to her father's.
'Feet OFF the table.'
She rolled her eyes at Rufus – who dared to do so – and placed her feet on the ground, 'Do I have to?'
'Yes. That's polite. And don't roll your eyes at me again.'
'Why?'
'Because I say so. One word of this to your father and you'll be in deep trouble young lady.'
'He does the same and you'll say the same to him every time. Why realize the thread?'
She had a point. Rufus threatened Reno with a lot if he didn't comply. It never worked. Perhaps because he never executed the threads. But if he executed the threads he had uttered against Reno's daughter, he'd be in big trouble.
Reno would probably skin him alive, for threatening his lovely daughter.
---
But there was something however, Melisande hadn't been introduced in: alcohol. For all this time Reno had tried to keep Melisande and alcohol separated.
Actually, it was Tseng who forced him to keep Melisande and alcohol separated, at the thread of being fired, tortured and killed for "letting your underaged daughter drink this junk and allow her to have her brains oozed out of her ears".
Tseng never used the word "oozed" ; that had to be Elena's doing.
'We start slow.' She was seventeen years old. Perhaps too late to start with alcohol in her opinion, but not in Tseng's. It was better to hold on to some things, then to oppose him. After all, he wanted to get paid after all.
'Slow?'
'You've never had alcohol, thanks to your Uncle Tseng and Auntie Elena. So we start slow.'
Melisande held the bottle of liquor. Perhaps 4% alcohol. At the most.
Her father held a bottle of whatever. After tonight, she knew, he wouldn't be able to recall what he had drunk.
He tried to be fatherly, really, as if she had never had alcohol before. Just brush your teeth very well and avoid Tseng whilst entering the building.
A small glass, with a very tiny bit of alcohol in it, was placed under her nose. The bottle of alcohol safely out of her reach.
'Now sip, gently, small bit. SMALL… smaller!' She hardly wetted her lips with the liquor.
When he didn't watched, she downed the entire glass.
'Neh? Wah? You've had alcohol before, haven't you?' She gave him a faint smirk, similar to her father's when drunk, 'Tseng's going to kill me…'
'Yep.' She giggled, 'pass me that, for this is nothing.'
'On the other hand… we'd better drink to the fact we're alive, right?'
'Yups.'
'Than drink up my hearty!'
Thus the doorbell rang, after two hours of drinking and stupid games. As if it was appropriate to drink with your father, but who cared.
Reno tried to open the door properly, yet failed miserably.
Tseng was not pleased. In his hand he held A half drunk Reno had opened the door and let him in, only to find an equally half drunk Melisande slumping against a wall.
Melisande and Reno. Both as drunk as possible. Both with this big silly grin. Like father like daughter.
'You're both drunk.'
'Yush…' Melisande stated with her big grin, she begun to topple over slowly.
'I see.' Being a gentleman, Tseng cupper her in his arms and carried her away to the bedroom.
'Hey!' Reno toppled over and fell face down to the ground, 'you help her, why not me?'
'Sleep it out like a man!' Tseng grumbled from the bedroom.
---
There's a first time for everything. First boyfriend, first sleepover, first bra, first break-up, first… Reno will kill you if you even dare to suggest his little daughter had sex.
'Dad?'
'Yes dear?'
'What is 69?'
'I thought they taught you to understand numbers at pre-school?'
'No… I mean the position 69.'
'As in… numbers…' weary of what was coming he tried to ignore the grins and smirks of the other Turks. Rude took his cell phone with camera from his pocket and started recording it. Rufus ought to see this, 'sixty-eight comes FOR sixty-nine and seventy comes AFTER sixty-nine.'
'no… as in sex.'
'who is the lucky man?'
'ehm… thierry from high school?'
'ah, I shall congratulate him.' before I kill him
'so… no hard feelings?'
'No, not at all my doll.'
'Good, I was afraid you might kill him.'
Ohoh… he'd better accept the boy, or come up with a very good plan to get rid of him…
---
Owari
As in: plotbunny died