Title: The choices you have to make between food and shopping

Subtitle: What is it with women?

Chapter: 1

Summary: Elena takes Reno as shopping-partner

Pairing: Reno+Elena

Rating: T

Warnings: the only warning fired is that you – as a man – enters the mind of the woman…

Disclaimer: all characters belong to rightful owners. I just play with 'm.

A/N: go thank :devkilth: and :devmacabrepinkkiller: for the idea of them both going shopping, thanks to them, I caught the plotbunnie!

---

'Why in the name of the Goddess do you have to eat… again?'

'Bweacasewe mwe lweke it?'

'Ugh… you're terrible.'

Reno swallowed whatever he had stuffed in his mouth.

'If I'd eat that, I'd be fat by tomorrow morning. Do you have about any clue what that fat thing does to your health?'

Staring at the Mideel Fries, hamburger with extra cheese and chicken-on-stick, Reno didn't know what she meant.

'This is man-food!'

'Ew… that's disgusting if you ask me.'

'That's because you're a sissy-girl and I'm a manly-man!'

'Yep, too true. You're a manly-man… wait until Rude hears that.'

'But…'

'Eat your… whatever you're eating, than we'll do some real shopping.'

'Real shopping?'

---

Reno stared at the entrance.

It was like entering some horrific place, he had never dared to enter.

It was full of pink fluffy items, with girly things all over.

Clothes, nail polish, hair dye, gossip magazines, make-up, stuffed animals, shoes, bags, hair thingies, underwear.

The worst was: he had to enter…

'Come on, I thought you were a man!'

'I am a man!' Only not willing to enter the domain of the woman… he silently added.

He quietly passed the man standing outside, giving him a painful look.

'Don't go in there buddy, it's the domain of the woman…'

'How bad can that be?'

'Oh trust me… bad.'

---

Was this what Tseng had to go through, every time he went out with Elena?

You know, rushing to the racks, getting all sorts of clothes from it, rushing into the fitting room, bitching over no fitting room available and flashing her Turk's ID card to get room?

Reno didn't understand at all, what was this kind of world?

Elena rushed in, fitted something and got out, striking a pose. 'Well?'

'Well what?' He had placed himself on a small deserted couch, with the women practically drooling over him. Since Elena showed her ID-card, no one dared to take a step closer.

'Well, what do you think well?' She shrugged a little, hoping to get a reaction.

'Why are you asking me?'

'Not a good outfit in that case.' With a sigh she got back in, closed the curtains behind her and Reno heard nothing but the muffled sound of clothes being discarded and put on…

'I never said that.' He whined, what was it with women?

'yes you did, in every way of not saying anything at all.' Was the reply he got.

That was confusing… 'But….'

---

Shoes were a pain in his butt. He usually got a pair of size 11 out of the racks, put 'm on and walked around. If it was fitting, it was good. If not, he took another pair.

Elena, was… indecisive… to be gentle. This or that, thus or thas, these or those? What to pick?

Because, after all, clothes ask for matching shoes.

Reno rolled his eyes. Half an hour had passed since his last snack.

'Elena… I'm hungry, why can't we got get something to eat?'

'And miss this all? The winter sales?'

'Like, dozens of mad women crying and whining…' the said dozens of mad women glared daggers at him, 'I mean… appreciating the quality of fine leather shoes and wonderful outfits to be bought by these wonderful women?'

'Mind your language Reno…' he murmured to himself, 'women are somewhat… dangerous.'

'Would you mind a cup of tea, sir?' a young lady offered him a tray with tea and cookies.

A bit sick from the grabbing, snarling and fighting over a skimpy blue dress had made Reno nauseous, 'don't mind if I do.'

It was troublesome. She tried this pair, discarded it, tried that pair, discarded it and tried thus pair, discarding that too! After like, seven pairs of shoes, Reno felt his brain ooze out of his ears, his eyes were going blind and his hearing was pretty much gone. Women were awkward creatures.

'Reno? Are you paying attention?'

'yes, yes, I am!'

'then why is your mouth hanging open?'

'What?'

'You're catching flies! Now quit muttering around and tell me what the shoes are?'

'Size 39, red leather, probably crocodile, leather sole and insides, high heeled about 10 cm with stiletto-like heels.'

'I did not ask for a description, but for your opinion….'

'I…' He was too slow – again.

'Never mind… you don't like 'm.'

---

Perfume… okay. Now he got it. After two failures, this must be it. Answer quickly, be swift, say what you like and don't like but don't break hearts.

Elena stood in front of dozens of bottles, all spelling that you'd win the heart of the one you love for sure with this silly perfume. One was apple shaped, the other like a grenade, the third as a long shaped statue and so on.

She sniffled a few perfumes, spraying it in the air and testing some. Then she sprayed something on a small piece of paper, sniffing it, wavering it in front of her and sniffing again.

What was this? Tasting wine?

'What do you think?'

Oh no! his mind went into overtime, not again the feared question! Be swift, be quick!

'I like it.'

'Oh?'

Fear took over, what was wrong this time?!

'You do?'

'Yes I do.'

'Okay…'

She placed the bottle back, 'it smells like toilet spray.'

'But…'

'Not your fault Reno, it's because guys don't understand women…'

You got a point in that…

---

With perfume, finally found, they moved on to the next most feared item on the list of women…

Lingerie…

'Ah my eyes!' Reno turned away.

'But I thought you liked girls in lingerie.'

'I like them out of it. Bra-clasps are the worst in human history. They should be in the front!'

'Not in the front… that's all part of our evil ploy, Reno,' teasing she took a red little laced bra and panties, and without even fitting it, she walked to the counter and paid for it.

'You… you're not going to fit it?'

'And show it to you? Tseng would skin you alive if someone told him.'

---

Finally… they were in some food store!

And what a food store it was!

Gossip magazines all over the place. Elena met with some high school friends, chatting about pretty much anything. Some of them drooled over him.

'Is he your boyfriend?'

'Wow, he's hot.'

'shall we have some coffee?'

'What did you buy, lemme see!'

'have you heard the latest…'

'No I haven't, tell me!'

Reno tried to get away from them, but eventually he failed. Waiting for ice cream and what more – Elena had ordered something "healthy" for him – he picked a random magazine from the store racks.

"Why Rufus Shinra – Midgar's hottest hottie – is still single!"

What the hell? He opened up the magazine. How did they got hold onto this information?

Written in a very suggestive language, it was kind of sad to read. When he glanced over his shoulder, he noticed that the woman Elena was talking too, had the very same magazine in her hands. Did women actually read this shit?

"Is Rude gay or not?"

Oh dear Goddess! If Rude would hear this, he'd go on a killing spree at the printer.

"Tseng and Elena: are they the newest couple in showbizzland?"

What the hell? Who thought of this crap? Okay, Tseng and Elena were together, but no showbiz couple?

'Reno! We're going!' he was hardly done reading the magazine, but Elena dragged him out again, 'you haven't even finished your roast lettuce. Didn't you want it?'

'Ehm… not hungry, I suppose?'

'Hm… you and not hungry?'

---

'You still want to go shopping?' Elena was surprised with his eager to go shopping.

'Yep I do, it's fun!' he even carried some bags for her, 'but we go to one of my favourite stores now.'

'And that is?'

They stopped in front of a sex shop.

---

Owari