Lost and Hollow
Life doesn't always work out the way you imagined it to be. I was once an innocent, naïve girl who's got an image of what her life would be in the future playing in her head. Yes, a girl whose little joys in life includes having a new outfit for the spring festival and eating dango while enjoying some tea in the garden. That girl who believed that there is a good in everything no matter how evil it may appear to be, where is she now?
For a long while that girl got tossed into a world that she knows not of, a world known to many as reality. To others who weren't as sheltered as that girl, the world with its sin and filth is part of the natural order of things but to her it was like a long procession in a dungeon full of agony leisurely leading her to her demise. Played around the ravenous claws of men who are willing to spare some gold coins just to quench their insatiable lust, her once pleasant dreams were stripped away from her along with her dignity, in exchange for nightmares and dishonor. How I loathe that girl for allowing herself to be used and abused. If there is one thing that girl is thankful for at her time of despair though, it was the extra strength that the gods granted her to not take her own life after deciding that she's had enough.
I can still clearly remember everything like it happened yesterday. It was a place of light and beauty. The lights hide the shadows in the hearts of the ladies who are displayed behind wooden bars like dolls and those who peeked and posed on the balconies attracting the next catch for the night. The lights also guide those who wander into the district to the small haven where a nice sake and warm bosom awaits to comfort and to please. In that place beauty is both a gift and a curse, beauty can either save you or break you. Truth be said, I'm not sure if I can call it beauty if it was an effect of flashy decorations, colorful clothes and make-up but these are the necessary ingredients to make the illusion that everything is just fine.
A series of unfortunate events lead me to that place. For a while I remember being kept as some sort of an apprentice. I ran errands her and there, helping out whenever I can. At that point I told myself that I would do just fine if I continue what I was doing and even thought that a good job at washing the clothes and cleaning the baths would save me from the fate of those lovely looking dolls but I was wrong. Before I knew it my innocence was up for a bid.
They bathed me and clad me in robes of silk and glimmering accessories. I can still remember the cold brush as it touched my lips for the first time to tint it red. The white powder and the colors placed in my eyes felt uncomfortable but I remembered being told that from then on those were my weapons. A mirror was placed in front of me, for a long while I stared at it, unable believe that it was really me on the reflection. I remembered shivering a bit in fear not knowing what would become of me but I smiled at the reflection of myself nonetheless, admiring myself one last time.
I was lead to a huge room occupying the top floor of the brothel. 'Remember the things I told you. Just be a good girl and make sure that the master is pleased. He paid a good price for you' Those were the last things whispered to me by the manager of the brothel before the door was slid open and I was led in then left behind. I knelt with my head down not knowing what to do or what to say. I was then asked to lift my head and come closer. I didn't expect to see a noble looking young man. He smiled at me and asked me to pour him some wine. I obediently did as he said despite the fear I felt in my heart. For a while I was just pouring wine for him but soon enough his true nature was revealed. He started touching me in inappropriate places and his gentle smile turned into a licentious grin. I was told not to refuse or resist but I remembered desperately pulling away, scratching and pushing the man as he yanked my robes away from my body, exposing my flesh to his hungry eyes. The fight I put up was not enough, after being slaved away as a cleaning lady and fed insufficiently, the last morsels of strength left in my body slipped away. He seemed to enjoy the fact that I put up a fight and he caught me like a cat pouncing on a mouse cornered in an alley.
I can't scream or cry but I can still remember the fear that paralyzed my body as he started caressing me and tasting me lewdly. For one last time I tried my luck and pleaded that he stop but he replied with a maniacal laugh and removed his clothes in haste. He rubbed his body against mine and knowing what would happen next I started screaming. He slapped me hard, almost knocking my lights. No one has ever done that to me. Tears uncontrollably fell from my eyes as he shoved a repugnant smelling piece of cloth into my mouth. That harmless looking man turned into a monster. A monster who disregarded my inexperience and took me without even the slightest hint of gentleness. Pushing and shoving himself deep into me, thinking only of his own pleasure. All I can do was watch as my body got slowly defiled. I closed my eyes through the disgust and pain but it didn't help. The moment he was finished with me my tears have already gone dry and a deep scar was embedded in my soul.
He left me like am unwanted toy in the middle of the room, bleeding and broken. I didn't move a muscle for I don't know how long. Pain and fear mixed in me like poison coursing and pulsing through my veins but instead of making me numb it made me more aware of everything. My mind then went blank. I really just wanted to die. Finally a couple of women who were in the business way longer than me came and picked me up. They both shed a tear for me and helped me up. They bathed me and threw me in fresh robes. They gave me words of encouragement and told me to rest but I couldn't rest and I knew that I could never feel better.
The manager was pleased with me because the man asked and paid for me to be reserved only for him. I never wanted that nightmare to be repeated but those who were there longer than me told me that I was lucky for I wouldn't have to be passed on from one man to the other while I was reserved for him. The man came twice a week for two months. Until finally one night he got killed, his head chopped off, by a group of men who were feared by almost everyone in the city.
I was thankful for that man's death that I gathered some information about those who killed him. I wanted to see the men who unknowingly avenged me. I learnt that every day in both morning and afternoon they patrol the streets of Kyoto. I can never leave the red light district, because if I do I'd be hunted down like a dog but I found a way to see them even from afar. Since our brothel was quite grand and tall, for a couple of days I climbed the roof waiting to see the group of men marching in their light blue robes. Finally I saw them. When I did, I whispered thanks to the wind, hoping that it would reach them. I was aware that they don't have the best reputation and some of their men are lecherous gluttons too who would visit the district when they can but still they eliminated that monster for me.
It was just a while till I was up for display like the others. Things got worse for me as I became just another doll for sale. The rising of the sun became my favorite thing because it signifies that the long and almost endless night is over. Every day I would spend time cleaning myself hoping to erase any saliva, scent or mark left in my body by those hounds but no matter how much I wash, scrub and rinse, I know that the filth would never wear off. Shoving that bitter medicine given to us to avoid conception down my throat became a morning routine. I was utterly disgusted with myself. I did my best with putting on my make-up so that I never have to see the face who belongs to the girl I used to know.
Just six months in the market and I learnt to accept the name given to me by the manager, Sakura. It was a name I used to guise the name that is now tainted. Slowly I learnt how to become numb. Slowly losing hope with myself and everything, I never thought I could still be saved. Until one night, the gods sent an answer to my prayers. That night a man's string of fate tangled with mine and my destiny took a huge turn.