Spoilers: Up to 02x20.
Warning: Death and adult subjects mentioned.
Author's note: English isn't my first language. Hah. One-shot. Written RIGHT after 02x20, so probably will be pretty inacurate after 02x21 airs.
So she is gone. - the thought punched him again. Over and over. He still felt the warmth of her lips and hands, smell her skin and hear her voice. But he couldn't even dig the... No, he couldn't even say that word. And he couldn't take her body in his arms and finally allow himself to cry, like Sayid could. He didn't give a damn if they'd let him do it or not. It wasn't about them, it was about her. Sure, she couldn't kill him anymore, but did she even mean it? She just didn't want them to know. When he fell for her, he threatened to kill her. She just said the same. Like they really had the bond.
She is gone. It was easier when they just let him know. He almost collapsed, still having not recovered completely. But it was a fresh, brand new pain. Now it was like his infected wound. Taking him over, taking over every bit of him, destroying him and hurting like hell with every touch. And Doc had no meds for it.
She's gone. They didn't play it safe. Being in the Jungle of Mystery meant no condoms in his pocket anymore. Stash seemed to be enough. How ironic. And he never wanted children before. He actually panicked after any unprotected encounter. In the real, safe world, let alone this place. But yesteday he felt so calm and complete. He couldn't understand how come, but she left, left to be killed, and he smiled at the image of their baby, their daughter, in his mind. With Ana's eyes, hair and complexion. And with his dimples.
But she's gone. And if there was any chance of this happening, he knew she'd prefer to die with her baby this time.
So she's gone and all he wants is to hold her like he never did, but he has no right.