A/N:After having a discussion with a friend about making another crossover with Hogwarts bashing, we talked about Homura being a female Harry Potter, but I was like nah, screw that idea! Let's go with the idea of Harry being a girl who has red hair, like Lily, and actually is the magical girl, Kyouko Sakura! Time to throw a hell of a wrench into old Dumblefart's plans for the 'savior.' Watch as Kyouko kicks witch ass (no pun intended) devours the entire Hogwarts banquet, and generally, brings the whole Wizarding World to ruin. This will be partially serious, partially comedy, so let's begin! NO obedient Harry. If you don't like Dumbles bashing, please click the back button! Check out my Kyouko RPing blog here: rubra-fortis-phantasma dot tumblr dot com
**Chapter 1: The Melancholy of Kyoko Sakura-no, the Unforeseen Trauma for the Red Phantom
It was a peaceful day in Mitakihara, strangely enough. Well, the ordinary people seemed to think so, but usually they didn't pay enough attention to see the girls in exotic outfits, wielding spears and shields and swords, fighting wicked monsters, and those who did were presumed insane and sent to a shrink. Mitakihara didn't believe in that nonsense, despite the fact that people were disappearing at an enormous rate, despite the fact that reports were rampant of a mysterious food shortage...Mitakihara chose to ignore it all.
The cause of all this chaos? It was not one Incubator, if you may ask. He was highly offended by this statement. He was proud of people who stirred up conflict and rebellion, and that was why his favorite servant was none other than the very girl who had raided said supermarket and stolen most, if not all, the food there before the people could even blink.
There she was, chewing leisurely on stolen goods; she was downing half a can of pepsi and another bag of potato chips; her seventh bag (the other six all lay beside her, grim reminders of the horrible fate that had befallen them.)
She swiped another hand into the bag and continued munching on the greasy chips, ignoring the fox near her. Her crimson eyes gleamed in excitement. "This was the best raid ever!" She chirped. She stood up then, clutching her Soul Gem to her side, as she whipped out a bag to conveniently hide all of her stolen merchandise in.
No one would ever suspect her, of stealing all that food...no one except...
"...Sakura Kyouko, what do you think you're doing?"
The arrogant snobby bitch, aka Homura Akemi...the number one know-it-all and stalker magical girl in Mitakihara. Oh, Kyoko wasn't stupid. She had seen the poor friend of Sayaka's being stalked by Homura all the time-the girl followed her to her home, read all of her emails, and even spied on her with binoculars while she was asleep. It was very creepy.
"...Having fun. Wanna join?"
The answer was, as she expected, firm and sharp.
"No, I will not join you and your thievery."
"Fine, you can have a stick up your ass, bonkura." She said, snacking some more and then vanishing, returning to her casual clothes. It was then that something whacked her on the head.
"What the fu-" She stated, only to realize there was an owl standing near her. "What the hell do you want, ya freak? Get back!"
The owl only hooted at her and then tossed a letter straight at her face.
"What the hell is this?" Kyouko said, looking at it for a few moments before scoffing and then ripping it into pieces with her bare hands. "...Crazy cults. Honestly...to think I'd fall for such bullshit, they're mistaken."
Another letter appeared.
"Oh...who the hell is this Mr. Potter? That's not my goddamned name! Who the hell are they, stalkers? Get lost! Besides, I'm a girl, dumbass," She cried, stabbing her own hand and dripping blood on the note before throwing it at the owl. She had written in blood:
STAY THE HECK AWAY FROM ME, YOU STALKERS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, BUT I SWEAR, IF YOU COME AFTER ME, YOU WILL DIE. I DON'T FOOL AROUND. DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I'M NO PUPPET IN SOMEONE ELSE'S HANDS. OH, AND YOU'D BETTER LAY OFF THE DRUGS. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS MAGICAL WANDS, YOU BONKURAS.
"Annoying animal," She snarled, disappearing to return to her church. She was utterly pissed off now. Who would think to send her such crap? Honestly, telling her that her magic abilities was a blessing to have? Who the hell did they think they were? They didn't know what it was like to be half-dead, half-living.
"Sakura Kyouko bows to no one but herself, thank you very much!" She snarled, seizing yet another letter and lighting it on fire. That night, Kyouko tore up, scratched and impaled at least twenty more letters before her wrath was satisfied and she fell into a triumphant sleep.
Little did she know her enemies were not going to let her get away with her heroic deeds...
Lightning flashed across the sky in the old, creepy castle...as several creepy-looking people dressed in creepy-looking outfits loomed, each peering down at something only they could see. About half of them looked like they were stoned, and had been for a long time. The most evil-looking one of them all was a wizened old man with a beard that looked like it had never seen a barber in its lifetime, a hat that had been stolen from Mickey Mouse, old granny glasses, wearing pajamas. Currently, he was twiddling his mustache and laughing darkly.
"...Soon, everyone...soon, the plan will commence! Soon, we shall make Harry Potter ours and he will kill Voldemort for us! AHAAHAHA-"
"...I hate to interrupt your maniacal scheming, Dumbbelldore, but there's a letter for you..." Severus Snape deadpanned, handing him a beaten-up and mauled letter.
Dumbledore read over it, and gasped as drops of blood dripped on the nice new table and several pieces of candy came flying out, whacking the Headmaster on the head and for some reason they were all sharpened weapons, too. The candy came flying at the occupants of the table, who screamed and dove under the chairs.
"Someone's gonna have to clean that table up and pay for the damage," Minerva said in boredom.
"Come on, people! This isn't a Muggle comedy show!" Dumbledore cried.
"I'm surprised you even know what a comedy show is," Severus said dryly. "Perhaps your brain has finally begun to work."
"...We're stalkers and apparently we need to die. Someone is sending us a death threat," Dumbledore said gravely.
"We know," Tonks said in annoyance.
"I just wanted to make it clear that-"
"Old man, you're going senile." Severus complained.
"I think my hearing aid just died." Dumbledore said, "Now, where is my owl and where's my lackey, Rubeus Hagrid? It's time to make me my child soldier, and I won't take no for an answer."
"...Sir, this message also says a bunch of expletives. It calls you a nasty, disgusting, irritating piece of-" Snape said, but almost looked like he was about to laugh.
"...This is treason! No one can insult me, the great Albus Dumbledore!" He cried, before falling over his own chair. "Someone grab me my cane."
"Your cane, your majesty?" Severus said sarcastically.
Several days later, Kyouko, Sayaka and Homura were all walking when a redheaded boy came up to Kyouko and looked her right in the eyes.
"Oh my god, it's him!" He cried. "It's our convenient plot device, Hermione! We found him-"
"Excuse me, bonkura? Last I checked, I was a girl, not a disgusting, chauvinist pig like you. Now get lost before I make you disappear." She spat.
The boy jumped back. "What? You're a girl? Who cares! You're supposed to come with us to fulfill your destiny as the savior of-"
BAM!
In one single second, Kyouko slugged the boy so hard he fell unconscious. The girl beside him gasped.
"Why would you do this to us?" She moaned. "We're going to be best friends forever!"
"Oh yeah? Why's that?" Kyouko said.
"Friendships are always formed three seconds after they meet each other. I read all about it in a nice tall book called-"
"I've read about that somewhere before, too..." Kyouko said thoughtfully, causing Sayaka to flinch.
"...Really? Where? What book was it?" The girl said ecstatically.
"Hmm...it was a nice, tall, book...called HAVE A NICE GLASS OF SHUT THE HELL UP!" She roared, with such force that the girl ran off crying hysterically.
"Where were we?" She asked, turning back to smirk at a shaking Sayaka and a stoic Homura.
"...Mr. Potter, your destiny awaits-er, Miss Potter..." A dark-haired man said.
"...I make my own destiny. My name is Sakura Kyouko, bonkura. Get it right. I don't take orders from weird old people dressed like they come from the crypt of a cemetery! Who are you, Count Dracula?" The redhead spat back.
Vivid red hair...like Lily's.
"...So you are her daughter. Of course...your mother had that same shade of red hair, but why are your eyes red?"
"The carpet matches the drapes," She snorted darkly, and Sayaka blushed beet-red and started to stammer, while Homura facepalmed.
"...Well then, Miss Sakura, you have two choices: you either continue living your life now doing whatever you wish, which I am envious of-er, no, I absolutely despise your freedom, or you go along with me into a world of inbred morons who are borderline retarded in everything, including fashion. And also you will be forced to use a stick in all your daily tasks. Something like this that you'll hold in your arms and..."
Kyouko had burst out laughing right now, her dirty mind thinking of nothing more than the lurid descriptions this pervert had imagined in her mind. "...Oh my god, you're such an F-bomb pervert! Do you even realize what you're saying is very Freudian?"
Sayaka was now cherry red while Homura was pretending she didn't exist.
"What will your choice be?"
"...I'll do what I want. And my choice is to go and beat the living crapola out of these bozos and make them see reason! And as long as I bring my girlfriend with me," She cried, before snatching Snape's bag of chocolate chip cookies from him and devouring them all within seconds.
"Hey, those were my cookies for when I become emo!" He protested. "Her girlfriend? She's-"
"...She always acts this way," Homura said, "And yes, Kyouko Sakura is a lesbian. Sayaka is her girlfriend."
"...H-H-Hi..." Sayaka moaned.
"I've noticed," Snape said dryly. "Her world will be in for quite a surprise."
Kyouko was bored. A woman who looked like a beetle had been trying to interview her for quite some time, but she was too busy snarfing down a bag of nice Skittles to really pay attention.
"Nice...I love the red flavor...cherry is quite delicious...yummy..."
"Ms. Potter, don't you have anything to say besides eat such vile Muggle food in my presence? Throw that stuff away-"
Before Rita could say any more, her pen had been jammed into her hand, Mikado Ryuugamine-style, and an angry Kyouko glared daggers at her.
"...Don't ever threaten food in front of me. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Now, if you don't mind, let me tell you exactly what I think of you and of this stupid place. One, I think you guys are all a bunch of ignorant, fat, lazy, stupid, inbred jackasses who don't know when to stop prodding into others' business! Two, you're stuck in the Stone Ages! How the heck can you live without the Internet?"
"What the he-doubletoothpicks is that?"
"That's exactly my problem. Ya see, all I see here is an idiot who knows nothing. That's shameful. Third, I think this town is boring as **** and that you idiots are all a bunch of no-good low-lives! Fourth, here's my message to the people who read this!"
She immediately flipped Rita off, which puzzled Rita, not understanding the offensive gesture and what it really meant.
People around the world couldn't believe their eyes when they read the front cover of the Daily Prophet, where the one and only savior, (Harry Potter, who was actually a girl) was flipping off Rita Skeeter. She was not only unladylike in every way, she was also a greedy, arrogant, rude, and foul-mouthed brat.
"Mommy, what does that four letter word mean?" Ginny Weasley asked, pointing at a certain word in the paper. Her mother turned beet-red.
"It's nothing."
George and Fred were reading over her shoulders, snickering to themselves.
"...This is the funniest thing I've ever read in this tabloid. In fact, it's the only coherent thing I've read!" Fred snarked.
"Gotta meet this chick." George said.
"Set a good example," Molly scolded.
"What, and be like boring old Percy, look forward to life as a whiny teenage shut-in who plays rock all the time?"
At that instant, Percy slammed his door shut and sure enough, some whiny wizard rock played.
"He's gone emo again," Fred and George said. "It says here that she also slugged Ron. I love this girl! Can we marry her?"
"She's only 12-it says here she's fifteen. That's still too young." Molly scolded.
Wow, that was crack. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy it. It's mostly humor to begin with.