So I've been rolling this idea around in my head for a little while, and I decided to finally get down to writing it. I love Dragon Age, its expansive world and people, the stories it has, and the way it both rests so comfortably on the racial stereotypes made by Tolkien to be familiar but striking out just enough in order to be its own unique thing and contain plenty of surprises. There is so much of the world I adore but there are also things with characters and plots that never seemed addressed, mostly links between games. While I understand the programmers can't put a big change in the story for every decision made, its also a shame to see some questions never answered.

Where would Anders end up if Hawke didn't kill him? How did the Hero of Ferelden handle leadership before running off either to be with Morrigan or have his or her own adventures? Where will the Inquisition go next if they do not lay down their arms in a peaceful end? How did Hawke actually handle being betrayed on such a deep level by Anders, Isabella and Sebastian? Will the Calling be put to a stop, and if so, how? What will it mean for the Grey Wardens who have always lived their life with the knowledge they are meant to die? Will it lead to good changes within the order, or will it all fall to ruin?

And most importantly, is there ever a moment the hero just breaks and gives up, determined to pass the torch on to someone else and be done with it or do they continue on because they know they need to?

Seeing as we're never going to get entirely the ending we will desire, that there will always be questions, I decided to write this. Obviously it will reflect the actions and choices from my own experiences, but I hope you enjoy it all the same. It's a story I hope all Dragon Age fans can enjoy, though it also borrows heavily from a lot of the materials not within the straightforward plot of the game. Info from the codexes, outside books and comics have been researched, though I haven't been able to see it all sadly. Still, if anything gets mentioned you don't get, feel free to ask and I'll do my best to answer, unless of course it's a spoiler to the story.

To clear things up now, I will tell you the three main characters right off the bat. Origins had the mage Amell, Hawke was a diplomatic warrior, and the Inquisition has a Dalish hunter warrior. All of them are female because I tend to usually play my own gender the first time through, and the stories are (mostly) based off of those since they were the closet to my heart. It was when I was role-playing with my gut instead of trying different answers on everything just to see what I'd missed. Hell, who knew Loghain actually could have been cool? The story however is based off all the good, and bad things, these characters have done because they were in a tight spot and had to decide for themselves what was important and right. The first three chapters are more prologue than anything, just dealing a bit with certain junctures in their adventures.

That being said, there are some major warnings. This story will have sex, violence, racism, several mentions and cases of PTSD, addiction, deals with demons, bad relationships and unhealthy cases of madness. There will be high points in this story, as well as very dark and low points. If this bothers you or if you have triggers you may wish to avoid this story.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bioware's Dragon Age. This is simply a fanfiction I am writing for fun. There is no profit here at all. It's simply my tribute, and the material is being used under fair use. Thank you.

Chapter 1: The Hero Of Ferelden

'Love is ultimately selfish. It demands one be devoted to a single person, who may fully occupy one's mind and heart, to the exclusion of all else. A Grey Warden can not afford to be selfish. You may have to make a choice between saving your love and saving everyone else.' ~ Wynne, Dragon Age 9:31, Dragon Age Origins

Solona Amell waited in her room silently as she watched the candle light flicker around her room, her whole body feeling cold. It was one of the few night she and her party was staying in an inn, the Spoiled Princess. It was odd to be here. She'd seen this place so often from the tower, in the small little shore she had often looked at out from her window and yet could never go to. Her world has seemed so small back then... but she had to wonder now if she preferred it that way.

To have seen Cullen again as she had had been so awful. Never in her entire life had she ever felt so much pain from the words he'd shouted at her. He had cursed her, shouted about his obsession in front of everyone and how weak it made him. To blame her, to ask her to kill her fellow mages, how had he really been able to do that all in a single breath?

A soft knock on the door stirred her thoughts and she stood up. Her voice caught in her throat as she called to let the person in, so she only moved to open it. She was a little surprised to see Wynne standing there, a soft look of sadness in her eyes.

"Wynne," she asked. "I... What are you doing here? I thought you would have been asleep by now."

"How could I possibly sleep now, after what has happened?" she asked before laying a hand on the younger woman's shoulder. "I wanted to thank you for what you did, and ask you if you needed to talk."

Despite the night of horror, Solona allowed herself a small smile. She couldn't count how many times Wynne had been there for her in her childhood to hold her and give her advice. She had been there in almost every moment of sadness, from scrapping her knees or losing a cookie to the floor when her cheeks had been pudgy and her eyes wet at almost everything. Solona had been a tender child and there had always been kindness for her from her teachers, but it seemed Wynne most of all. The older woman seemed to seek out the sad children of the tower, listening to woes and concerns and talking them through nightmares and so much else.

The mage had grown a lot since then, no longer crying over little things like not understanding big words in the books or when Jowan had accidentally broken her doll with a magic spell. Still, it felt wonderful to have her here, offering the same comfort all over again. She was nowhere near prideful to believe that she did not need it, especially now.

"Please," she whispered softly.

The two women sat down. The rooms were small so all that was available was the bed. Even though it was a rented room, Solona felt a little bit like a bad hostess. She should be able to offer one of her former teachers better, right? It was a stupid thought though, no doubt just her mind making up things to worry about so she couldn't focus on the real matters at hand.

"I'm sorry about Cullen," Wynne said. "The things he said were... unkind. Even more so when you think about how you two felt for each other."

"What?" she asked, her cheeks flushed so quickly it felt like they had caught fire. "Wynne, I don't-"

"You are a young woman, barely past being a child, and I am far more experienced than you," she said gently, though there was a stern look in her eyes as well. It was telling Solona not to lie, and she felt a little embarrassed at the admonishment. Her time of being an apprentice was still so close. It was instinct to simply be quiet and listen when given that look. "I saw the looks you had given him, heard the gentle inquiries to see him casually even if over something innocent like finding a book for you or sharing tea. He is young, as are you, and there were feelings budding there for both of you. It is not uncommon. Many do not realize this but to templars the Circle is just as much of their life as it is for mages. There are many who live here too, just like us, who see almost no one else out of those walls. Even though they are allowed to leave, their lives are wrapped up in ours, as we are to theirs. We stand opposed, but also together. It is a symmetry in a way, and I can promise you that you are not the first mage to find a kind templar who you trust and care about, neither is he the first templar to find a mage he can feel the same way for. I can tell you though, it is a common ending, what you saw."

"For a templar to lose that trust, you mean?"

"I do. I can not dress the boy's wounds, in his heart or his mind. I can see to yours though," Wynne offered. "I am coming with you not only to make sure you do not fall in combat, but to help support you as well. I wish to do that now."

"Thank you, Wynne," she said with a smile before shaking his head. "I... I don't think I need it though, at least not for the reasons you think."

She stood up and paced around the room and tried to think about how to express herself. Her fingers wove into her shoulder length brown hair, the longer strands tied neatly into braids and a bun to keep out of her eyes. She felt a little nervous now, confessing what she was about to, but she had to. It had been weighing on her chest so much, and she had to say it.

"I don't love him," she said, as if that were a sin enough. "I can't help but think if I did, it would have been easier and maybe I could have cared more to reason with him. I wanted to love him once. When I was in the Circle I thought about him a lot. It was never more than small things, little things. I wanted to talk to him, be close to him, but it never made it past that. Cullen never let it. Now I know why. He saw it as poison, that I was temptation and trying to hurt him. I... I hated it, hearing that, but it didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would have. The fact he wanted me to kill everyone was so much worse. It didn't break my heart though, and the reason why scares me."

"What reason is that, my dear?" she asked gently.

"Do you really think mages naturally fall for templars?" Solona answered with a question of her own. "Do you think it's normal for us to be drawn to them?"

"In the Circle, yes," Wynne said. "We have few choices in that kind of life. Either our watchers or our fellow mages. Perhaps that is why some of us come to care for them so often, because the options are so limited. It might also be because the templars that do what they should, protect us from those that would do us harm, seem so kind to us. Kindness is something mages receive little of, and therefore we cherish it beyond all else. They are our protectors, and it is understandable to love that."

"Alistair was to be a templar," Solona whispered softly, "and he's done so much to help and protect me."

The confession was soft, barely a breath off her lips. She didn't face Wynne as she said it, but she could feel the reaction well enough, worried and a little disapproving. Her feelings for Alistair had been growing fast and true. From almost the moment she'd met him there had been a trust there between them and it hadn't taken long at all for the feelings for Cullen to fade even if they hadn't left. Alistair was kind, sweet, funny and understanding. It'd quickly become routine for them to comfort one another in hard times, him through her changes as a Grey Warden, and her through his moments of sadness over Duncan. They'd both been there for one another, even as others joined them. All she saw was him now, like she was lost in a crowd with the lost prince and everyone else was a faceless stranger even when she should know them.

There was just a touch of flirtation now, and she liked being honest with her feelings. He made her feel safe and warm, and she told him as such. She still had his rose, dried and kept safe in a small book she'd taken with her, lists of spells and magical study. His feelings had to be the same for her, and she wanted them to lead to nice places.

So, of course he'd been there to hear Cullen's words. Of course she had to suddenly wonder if her trust in him had just been because he was, or would have been, a templar. Were her feelings simply training, trusting a templar because she should? She wasn't an idiot. She'd had good years in the Circle, but she knew others were there that hadn't, that had been treated unkindly. Maybe being First Enchanter Irving's star pupil had saved her from such things since he'd watched her so closely, but she knew it happened.

Anders, a boy a couple years older than her hadn't exactly been treated wonderfully by the Circle. Though he was a good mage and had passed his Harrowing easily, he'd always been one to skirt the rules and tried to escape as often as he could, only to be dragged back again and again. He'd never love a templar, would have fought such feelings with every breath of his body, refusing to submit to them even in that.

"I love him," she said as she turned around to look at Wynne, and sure enough there was worry about her entire expression. "I never want to be without him. I didn't know that before I went into the tower, but I know it now. Seeing Cullen, as much as it hurt, as much as I wished he hadn't had such a horrible thing happen to him, I was angry at him. Angry because of the things he asked of me and because... because Alistair heard it all. How do I go to him after that, talk to him? Is he just a replacement for Cullen, for a man I couldn't have? I don't know how to feel, and it's scaring me."

"I have watched you grow, Solona, and you are not a woman who would intentionally hurt other people. I do not think you would intentionally hurt him either, but there is potential for tragedy here, for one or both of you. You are both Grey Wardens and he is the son of a king. You both have responsibilities which supersede your own desires."

Solona almost said Alistair didn't want to be king, but that didn't seem to every matter to anyone. Was a bastard not allowed to love? This wasn't about his feelings though, but her own.

"So what do I do? Would it be wiser to end it, before it begins?" she asked, hoping for Wynne to have another side to her own argument, a side in which would encourage these feelings.

"Love is ultimately selfish. It demands one be devoted to a single person, who may fully occupy one's mind and heart, to the exclusion of all else. A Grey Warden can not afford to be selfish. You may have to make a choice between saving your love and saving everyone else. Then what would you do? You may have to end it, to save one or both of you unnecessary anguish later on."

There was no answer she could give, and it tore at Solona. The words from her mentor seemed so true, and she couldn't tear herself away from it. She closed her eyes for a moment as she brought her hands up to her face, wanting to cry like she had so often as a child.

"Forgive me," Wynne said as she stood up to hug the former apprentice. "I did not want to cause you grief. I have seen what happens to those in love though. It does not always end well. I would never wish the ending you had with Cullen on anyone, but if you love Alistair then you should know it can hurt all the more."

"Thank you," Solona said as she pulled away from her and gave her a small smile. "I think I'll go talk to him. He has to be fretting too, I bet."

Maybe it would be better to end this now, before it became too late. It twisted inside of her, but she didn't think she could ever bare to see Alistair with that kind of pain in his eyes. She could never cause him so much grief. It would kill her. Better to end it now, right?

He was in his room, shared with Sten who was already asleep. He sighed a bit at the large Qunari taking up most of the bed, but he immediately perked up at seeing Solona.

"Alistair, I need to-"

"We did it," he said as he sprang up and grabbed her, spinning her around before putting her back down on her feet. She felt a little dizzy by the action and his good mood. Clearly he wasn't fretting at all. "We saved the Circle. I didn't think it was possible. We'll have the mages' help then to save Connor. Thank you so much for doing all of this."

"I should be thanking you," she replied, unable to fight his good mood. "If you hadn't asked to go to Redcliffe first, I would have had no reason to go back to the Circle so soon. I might have missed all of that, and it could have been destroyed."

"Yes," he said, sobering a little. "I'm so glad your home is safe. I mean... well, people died. That's horrible, and I can't imagine what you must be going through."

"You felt the same, didn't you? Seeing Redcliffe in its state?" she asked him.

"Oh, yes. Well, I suppose it is my home, in some way, and I hated seeing it in so much danger but I never felt really at home there. I never felt at home anywhere, until I was with the Grey Wardens. It was a new home... and... I'm sorry. I'm trying to be supportive of you and here I am turning it around on myself again. I should really stop doing that."

"I did ask you," she said gently. "They were a new home for me too, Alistair. Like Redcliffe and the Circle, it will be rebuilt."

"Yes. It won't be the same, but... we'll save it. The two of us," he replied. He frowned for a second, looking at her, and she was suddenly conscious of the fact he was still touching her, his hand lingering on her hips. "That is... of course if you... I mean... I still think of the Wardens as my home. I guess I just think of you as my home now. Does that sound strange? I know we haven't known each other long, but we've been through so much together. Maybe I'm imagining it. Maybe I'm fooling myself. Am I? Fooling myself, or do you think you could feel the same way about me?"

It would have been wise to end it there, to stop. Yet as he looked at her with such an open hope in his eyes, she knew she'd never want to. Wynne's words no longer mattered, Cullen's words didn't either. She loved him because he was a good man, one she could cherish forever. If he asked her to march into the mouth of the archdemon itself, she would.

"I already do," she confessed before her lips met his. It was a sweet, wonderful feeling. So deep and profound it ached, and in that moment all doubts and fear fled her.

#-#

Politics were something Solona decided at that moment she never wanted to be involved in ever again. So much stress and worry, so much backstabbing and fighting, it made her sick. It seemed less like people had voted for what was right, but more for what they'd wanted personally. Vendettas and arguments, and Loghain, mad with power as he declared he'd done everything for the best of the country. How could he have claimed to be fighting for Ferelden when he had sold its own citizens to fund a civil war for power?

If it had been up to her, she might have spared him when he surrendered. It had been her right in a way. She'd fought him for Alistair, using her magic at full force to make him bow. Maybe he hadn't expected her ferocity, for a young woman to fight so hard against him, but she'd used every trick she'd had to stop him. It had been close, so close, but it had ended with her victory... and the choice, the horrible choice to let him live and go through the Joining or kill him even as he'd surrendered.

Even if it had seemed like her decision though, it couldn't have really been. One look at Alistair as he cried out his anger and protests at such a thing, and she'd known she could never do it. As the time had gone on, she'd seen a change in him. His sorrow over Duncan had turned into anger against Loghain and he'd spoken out about it more and more. Life was working so hard to change him, to make him angry at everything. Eamon trying to make him king without his consent, his own sister turning him away unless he promised her money, and in it all Solona had assured him that she was there for him. The world might be cruel, but she loved him and she had done everything to protect him from it as he protected her.

All for not. As Anora and Alistair argued to her who should be king, she stood there and felt like she should be anywhere else. A mage, and a Grey Warden no less, deciding politics? It was against every rule she'd grown up with, and yet it was happening anyway and without her consent to boot.

There was no way she could choose Anora though. The woman was a liar and a trickster, Solona knew that. Oh yes, that made her a good politician, but that wasn't what this country needed. It needed a good man who would do what was right, what was really right, for this country. Anora claimed to be the rightful queen, that when King Cailan was alive all the good things had been because of her, but Solona didn't believe it. The woman had given up power to her father, hadn't known what was happening to the elves in her own city, and allowed all of this to go too far when she should have had the courage to stop it. She'd betrayed allies instead of just ordering someone that should have been beneath her to stand down.

Anora had proven she wouldn't do what was right for the country, only for herself. Alistair would never be that selfish.

She'd given him the crown with the utmost trust he'd do what was best, never thinking of his own desires.

She might as well have given him a knife to stab into her back.

"I thought you loved me," she forced out as he told her his doubt about them, about how he would be expected to have a child and that meant marrying. She couldn't believe this. He wasn't doing this to her. "Is this revenge for making you king?"

"No, of course not. I understand why you chose me. I asked for it too. It's for the best. But at the same time, I can not avoid what it entails."

She could feel the stares of her friends on her back. It was so damn embarrassing, as well as painful. The mage saw Cullen all over again, rejecting her and taunting her with feelings that had hurt her more in the long run than they'd ever set her free. Wynne's warnings flashed in her mind and she had to shut her eyes tight to stop the tears.

Duty. Duty was tearing them apart. She couldn't have his child, couldn't marry him. After all, she was a mage. She couldn't marry a farmer under the Chantry laws, much less a king. She wanted to hit him for using the Grey Wardens as an excuse. She was of noble birth, an Amell, a family that had helped in the fourth Blight. She was sure if it weren't for the magic burning in her blood she could convince him, tell him it would be better to raise a child with the love of a family than out of convenience to take over a country someday.

She couldn't though. He would never say yes, never accept her. This was the end and if she begged it would only make her look weak in front of her companions.

"You'll be a good king, Alistair," she said, breathing in deep to force herself to say it. She would not ask again. It would feel too pathetic, but she didn't listen to his words how he'd trade it all for her. She just pushed past him, away from everyone and left as quickly as she could without seeming like she was running.

#-#

One of them had to die? Solona felt her head swim as she made her way back to her room, her thoughts exhausting her. Her stomach was sinking and her feet felt heavy, and more than anything else she just wanted rest.

Secrets on top of secrets. That's what the Grey Wardens were. To think she'd asked for this of Duncan once, before she'd talked to Jowan or been asked by First Enchanter Irving to help him expose Lily along with her friend. She'd thought only about what an honor it would be to serve, even as Duncan warned her it would be a hard life. He'd tip-toed around it so carefully, letting her know it was dangerous but not why.

This however, nothing could have prepared her for this.

Something told her Riordan would do everything in his power to keep both her and Alistair safe, but she didn't know how possible that really was. There were only three of them. The chances were good all of them could die going up against the archdemon. It was a dragon, and a powerful creature even amongst its brethren. One of them had to survive to make the killing blow, and then die for it.

When she walked in and saw Morrigan, she almost shooed the woman out before she even had a chance to speak, but something caught her attention.

"Tis you who are in danger," the apostate said cryptically, but Solona knew immediately what she meant.

"You knew about this," she said, not bothering to ask. "You knew from the beginning about the Grey Wardens."

"I know a great many things. Flemeth taught me well, after all. She's told me many things, secret things with great power. What matters is not how I know, but what I can do for you. I have a plan you see. A way out. A loop in your hole."

"What do you mean?" Solona asked. She watched Morrigan carefully. Something about this seemed... tricky. Too dangerous. Why had Morrigan not told her about this before?

"I offer a way out. A way out for all Grey Wardens so that there need be no sacrifice," Morrigan offered. "A ritual, performed on the eve of battle, in the dark of night."

"Why?" Solona immediately asked. "Why didn't you tell me about this beforehand? You were traveling with two Grey Wardens all this time, neither of us that knew. You could have told me, helped me prepare myself for this."

"Would you have believed me? I think-"

"Yes."

The answer clearly surprised Morrigan. The woman was good at hiding her emotions, except from Solona it seemed. Over the time they'd been together they had formed an odd sort of friendship. She respected Morrigan, a woman who had not needed the Circle to learn all she had, who refused to be twisted by any demon that came to them. She stood strong in front of many things Solona had been taught to fear. Solona in return gave her friendship no one else had. When Morrigan had feared her body being taken by Flemeth, Solona had gone straight to the mother to make sure that could never happen. There had been no reason to, no promise of reward, but she'd done it because she cared about her friend's, her sister's, well being.

They'd accepted one another, for all their differences. It had felt... nice. She'd believed everything else the apostate had told her. She would have believed this.

"I see. Well, I am glad for that trust at least. It makes it easier knowing you won't think I offer this as a lie," she said. "What I propose is this. Convince Alistair to lay with me tonight. From this ritual a child shall be within me. The child shall bare the taint, and the spirit of the archdemon will seek that taint out like a beacon. At this early stage, the child can absorb this essence and-"

"Get out of my room," the mage said. "Now."

"You will not let me finish?" Morrigan asked. "I can promise you the child will not be harmed. It will be reborn with the soul-"

"I don't care," Solona said as she pointed to her door. "I want you out."

"I wonder, is it because he tore out your heart. You plan to let him die in revenge?" Morrigan asked. "While I can not say I don't understand your reasoning, I would think it would be slightly petty."

"What? I have no desire for Alistair to die," she protested. "I will. I'm going to do it if Riordan fails."

"So you will let heartbreak kill you instead of him? Perhaps you would be better petty than weak."

"I can't be you, Morrigan. I know you could easily toss men aside, feel nothing for them. You're always in control of a situation, no matter what. I'm not like that," she whispered.

"You can be," she assured the other woman. "I ask only that you hear me out. If this truly causes you too much pain, you can die to your senseless glory and anguish. Know now though, I will not be there to witness it."

"The archdemon will be reborn then?" Solona asked with a sigh. It wouldn't hurt to at least know her options. "As a child?"

"Yes, and no. The taint will be absorbed and done away with, instead born with the soul of one of the Old Gods. I will take the child with me, and you will not follow. Ever. I will teach the child to respect where it came from, prepare it for its role in the world that it will one day need to take."

"What do you mean?" she asked. "What role?"

"That I will not say. The child will represent freedom for an ancient power. It will be something old preserved and saved. Is that no reason enough to do it?"

"No. It's not," Solona said. She was feeling suspicious now. Morrigan was beginning to remind her of a demon, whispering promises of all desires fulfilled if she were only to give in. She loved the other woman dearly, but this was too much.

"Then perhaps Alistair is reason enough," the apostate stated. "Think about it like this. He is a noble man, and stubborn. More stubborn than you. I have seen you give into him once when he left you, despite the fact you were hurt. I could see it. You wanted to scream, to curse him, and at the same time beg him not to hurt you further. Yet you did as he asked, said what he needed to hear. If it came down to it, would you let him die for you if he claimed it would be better? Would you leave him behind and risk the Blight spread so that you can assure his safety? He would die gladly, for you and his country."

"I won't let him. I'll be stronger this time," Solona promised. "I would never let him risk it."

"Yet you don't have to risk anything at all and neither does he," she said in rebuttal. "Even if you take the final blow, he will lose the woman he loves. For the rest of his life he will see the fact he pushed you away and you chose to die. Even if you did it for duty and no other reason, he will see it as his fault. You either doom him to die or doom him to a lifetime mourning your death and blaming himself for it. Is that what you want?"

Solona swallowed the lump in her throat, already remembering how Alistair had protested to her suggestion of doing it herself. She wasn't the senior warden, neither was she ruler of the lands. She was the most expendable. Reason had nothing to do with it though as he'd forbidden her to do so. Would they fight about it all the way to Denerim? Either result broke her heart when she thought about it.

"He'll never agree to this," she said softly.

"If I went to him, no," Morrigan stated. "You however, hold great influence over him. You can convince him this is for the best."

"Teach me the ritual," she said suddenly. "It's more than just sex, right? Tell me what to do and I'll do it myself. I'm a mage and I'm just as talented as you."

"We have never properly dueled, and so you can not say that for certain," Morrigan said as she shook her head. "It is old magic, and powerful. You have done your best to stay away from such things. You could not handle it. Even if you could, I wish to raise the child myself."

"The child is your price for helping then," she bit out. "I knew it."

"And if you had his child, what would you do?" she challenged, though her tone was gentle. "You can not have him as you wish him, and you still have ties to the Circle. I would not see them take the child, nor for you to use it to claim Alistair back to your side." She held up a hand as Solona was about to protest. "Besides, even if you are not planning on using the child as a way to make him reverse his decision about you, something I'm sure he would do, I have plans for it. Yes, that is my price. I will not hide that. You can not prepare it the way it must be, nor would you even try to if I explained it all to you. Even if you could learn the ritual in a single night, which you can not. You have the mind for the magic, but not the heart or conviction. Again, this leads me to Alistair and myself."

"You really have this all planned, don't you?" she asked. "This is the reason you didn't tell me before, isn't it? Because if I had time to think about it, I might say no or take it back later. I'm here, right before the end and feeling trapped with no options. I'll lose him either way and this solution of yours means I have to push him to you."

"I would have much preferred he stay with you, honestly," her friend replied. "It would have been much easier to convince you to save his life had he not broken your heart. You could possibly say no just to spite him. You are right. You will lose him either way. However, if he is to have a child with another woman, is it really worse for it to be two instead of one?"

There was no answer to that. It was something Solona had thought she would have to live with anyway. Was she really risking all that much? This was so selfish of her to even consider, but it was all true. Wasn't that how temptation worked though? Present someone with something they desperately needed and swing it in their face until they said yes?

"Alright," she conceded. "I'll do it."

"A wise decision. I shall wait here while you go and speak with Alistair. I urge you to be convincing."

The walk to his room was just across the hall and yet it felt so much longer. She barely heard him when he talked to her, even as he joked gently with her. She couldn't tell if he was trying to ease the mood after their argument or if he just didn't want to get into it again.

"Alistair, I have to talk to you," she said, cutting him off half-way as she looked up at him. "I need you to listen to me, and just... consider what I'm saying. Can you do that for me? No jokes. No stalling and trying to be funny. Just... I need you to be serious about this."

"Oh, I guess whatever Morrigan had to say, it's big," he guessed. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"You... you know I love you, right?" she asked him as she placed a hand on his arm. "Even now. I understand why you did what you did, but I still love you."

He fidgeted, clearly uncomfortable. He didn't answer right away before he eventually sighed and nodded.

"I love you too," he said. "Is that what this is about?"

"In part," she admitted. "I had to say that before anything else."

"That doesn't sound ominous at all. Would you just tell me already?" he urged.

"What if I told you there was a way to avoid dying when we get to Denerim?" she asked. It was important to chose her words carefully, to lead up to the truth. She wouldn't hide anything from him. She'd tell him everything, but she knew to blurt it out would be the fastest way to get him to refuse.

"You mean with the archdemon, right? If you mean running away, I can't do that... but you don't mean that do you? What is this about?"

"I need you to have sex with Morrigan," she confessed, even as it felt like her heart was being ripped out of her chest as she said it out loud. "As a part of a magic ritual."

To her surprise, he laughed. A little giggle at first that grew louder after a couple minutes and he had nothing but mirth in his expression.

"This is payback, right? For all the jokes?" he asked her with a smile, though it began to fade as he saw the hurt expression on her face. Hadn't she asked him not to treat this conversation like that? Could he not even take his own life seriously? Before she had loved how easily he could make her laugh, now she just wanted him to stop. "You're not joking. You're actually serious. Wow. Be killed by the archdemon or sleep with Morrigan. How does someone make that kind of choice?"

She couldn't look at him as he chuckled again, and it quickly died.

"You're not actually asking me to do this, are you? What kind of ritual is this anyway?"

"I won't lie to you," she sighed, glad he would take it seriously now. "It will produce a child."

"What?" he asked in shock. "I must be hearing things, but are you telling me to impregnate Morrigan with some magical sex rite? This child, why would she even want such a thing? An heir to the throne?"

"It... it will... Alistair, it will carry the soul old god," she said. Each word she said only made her feel more awkward. Morrigan had explained it all much more convincingly than she could.

"Oh! Well that's so much better, don't you think?!" Alistair suddenly yelled and startled her. "Here I was worried about creating another bastard heir and I didn't even consider it might also be some dragon... god... whatever!"

"Don't you yell at me," she said softly, her fists clenched at her side.

"What?"

"I said don't you dare yell at me!" she snapped, looking back up at him with tears in her eyes. That was enough. She couldn't listen to another word. "Everything I have done for you, I don't deserve this! I am trying to offer you a chance to live Alistair, for all of us to live. You think I want you to go to Morrigan? You think I want to live with the fact I have not only lost you but I must endure you having a child with someone else? What does it matter if it is her or some future queen? I lose either way. You won't let me die, will you?"

"I... I uh..."

"No, you won't," she answered for him. "You would be stubborn and stupid and insist on doing this yourself. You'll die to keep me safe, and Anora will get the country despite everything we have done! You owe me this Alistair. I gave you my heart! I gave you my body! I gave you my trust and that doesn't mean anything to you! If you loved me, if even one time when you said that it was true, you will do this for me... or will let me take the blow. You have to live Alistair. You threw me away for the duty to your country... and you must live for that too. Either you do this... or you let me protect you one last time... but it will be one or the other."

They stood there in silence for several minutes, and this time it was Alistair who couldn't meet her gaze. She didn't feel guilty over yelling at him even though she never would have done such a thing before this. They'd always been so careful with each others hearts, but that was all long since past.

"Alright..." he said softly. "I'll do it. Where's Morrigan? Let's get this over with."

She didn't have the heart to say much when she led him back to her own room where the apostate was waiting. She didn't even listen to what they said to one another, just closed the door behind them and locked it before she slipped to the floor and shut her eyes tight. It seemed so long ago when she remembered the pain in her chest at what had happened to Cullen, how intense that anguish had been and how she'd never felt anything so horrible.

This was so much worse.

#-#

"I don't understand," Solona said as she watched Anders pace around the room. "Just what is Karl doing in Kirkwall?"

Fate had a funny way of twisting itself around. Surprises and weird events seemed to be normal these days for the Amell woman. Hero of Ferelden, Commander of the Grey, and watcher of so many charges in Vigil's Keep. Well, it wasn't much of a keep anymore. Ever since the whole fiasco with those two warring bastard darkspawn, the keep was in shambles. Though it had technically fallen, it had lasted a long time against Mother's forces, and she had been so proud of the people within it, those that had both lived and died to defend it. Even though the place was in shambles they were rebuilding slowly, this time much easier without intelligent darkspawn to worry about. She could deal with leaky roofs and broken walls as long as the few monsters they had to deal with were just roaming, nearly mindless creatures with no direction.

It didn't mean she didn't have constant new problems coming up though. It just came with leadership.

"He was transferred," Anders explained angrily as he walked around the room, wearing a hole in the carpet as he did so. "The Circle wants new blood in the tower, new talent. He's getting moved to Kirkwall, Kirkwall of all places!"

She could see why he was worried. She'd heard a little about the place from Nathaniel. It wasn't the best place for mages. Some Knight-Commander there, who made Greagoir look like a sweet Chantry sister in comparison. She couldn't remember the woman's name off the top of her head, not that it really mattered much.

"I'm afraid there isn't much I can do," she said. "If I had known before the transfer I could have gone to the Circle and conscripted him for you. If he's in the Free Marshes now, he's out of my jurisdiction."

"Don't you care?" Anders snapped, obviously worried. "You know what Kirkwall is like, don't you? What they do to mages there? It's a hundred times worse than this country and you know it!"

"Anders, will you please calm down?" she asked him as she slipped off of her desk she was sitting on and approached him, putting her hand on his arms to stop his pacing. "I can't help you if you work yourself into such a state that you go into a blind panic."

He sighed and chewed on his lip but nodded slowly. He didn't seem any calmer, but at least he wasn't yelling anymore.

"I know our... experiences in the Circle were vastly different," she said, trying to appease him even as she got through this. "I know I was a lucky one, that I didn't see some of the things that you did. I was in my whole life and never knew freedom outside. If things had been different in some way maybe I would have changed my mind."

"Look, I don't want to argue about this right now. You think the Circle is great. Woop-de-doo," Anders snapped.

"I didn't say that. I'm saying I was lucky," she corrected, doing her best to be patient. Normally she and Anders got on great, but this subject was always touchy. "I conscripted you for a reason, and it wasn't to bolster my ranks. I know you hated it there, that most mages hate it there, and this was your chance for freedom. I'm more than willing to help you, even if I can't help them all. I just don't know how I can."

"I actually... was kind of hoping you'd let me leave," he answered. "Look, before you say anything, this is important to me. Knowing Karl is somewhere like that, I can't leave him there. I have to get him out. I can smuggle him back to Ferelden and you can tell everyone he took the Joining."

"Tell them? Won't he?" she asked in confusion.

"Come on, Solona. He's too old to be hunting darkspawn. Just let him stay here as a healer or trainer or something."

"He's only in his forties, Anders," she said flatly. "Though he went gray so soon, you'd never be able to tell."

"Hey! Just because your love life has sucked so much doesn't mean you get to knock my choices," he snapped before Solona glared at him. There was a spark of hatred in her eyes, and for once Anders actually looked a bit guilty over what he had said.

"That is not to be joked about," she hissed at him, "or brought up, ever. Period. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes... Commander," he muttered.

"Good. Now back to the subject at hand," she said before she sighed and rubbed at the bridge of her nose. To think she'd once lived a life when she wasn't allowed to make a single choice for herself, now it happened so often she'd become a little too used to it. "I suppose you would leave one way or the other. Why ask for permission? It's not like the Wardens drag anyone back. After all, the Calling pretty much guarantees your membership for life no matter where you hide."

"If I go there to free him, I'll be an apostate," he explained. "Give me paperwork saying I'm supposed to be there. I can hide in a crowd, but if I get hassled, I can use the fact I'm a Grey Warden to keep the templars at bay. I'll swoop in, save Karl and be back before you know it."

"So you want me to lie twice for you," she groaned. Damn it. He was really pushing it. "I'm going to have to tell people he took the Joining and survived. Why not have him just do it?"

"It might kill him. I want him safe. I don't plan on getting him here safe just to allow him to risk dying," Anders said coldly.

"Which means I'll have to make up some story about him, not to mention tell every Grey Warden here the truth and that they need to lie too because they'll be able to sense there's no taint in him. Not to mention keep him away from any foreign Wardens that would have no reason to be part of this scheme... Anders. This isn't a good idea," she said. "Why in the world would I go along with this?"

"Because if you don't, then an innocent, talented mage is going to be lost forever," he said softly. "Commander... Solona, you know I'm not the kind that ever thought about anyone but myself, but that's changing. I want to help now, to make a difference, and I can start with Karl. Please, help me?" he asked, his expression worried.

How could she say no to that?

"Fine. Fine, I'll do it. I suppose it's not that much to ask in the long run. Not like anyone from Kirkwall can come get me anyway, and Karl was a good teacher to me. I don't blame you for wanting to save him too, considering everything."

"So you'll do it?" he asked excitedly.

"I'll have the papers written up by tomorrow, so you'll have time to pack," she said before she went to her desk. "Do me a favor though, say good bye to Justice before you go."

"Justice?" he asked. "Why? Is he okay? What's wrong?"

She couldn't help but be a little touched at his obvious concern. He was so caring despite everything. He'd been so selfish before in the Circle and after she'd met him again. It was a good sign he was beginning to care about people other than himself, and those two had begun to develop a real bond.

"I... I don't know," she said honestly. "His body is... well, we all knew it wouldn't last forever. It's getting to the point where my healing spells aren't helping enough, and without you to assist me in it, Kristoff's body won't last much longer. I think Justice is ready for it though. Just the other day he made mention of visiting his... well, Kristoff's wife. I think he's saying good bye."

"Why didn't he say anything?" Anders asked.

"You know how he is. He cares about helping people, righting wrongs and stopping evil things from happening or getting revenge for those that it does happen to. He's not exactly the touchy-feely type," she said with a shrug of his shoulders. "He's ready to go... and we can only hope he doesn't die in the process."

"But he might."

"Maybe," she said, feeling sad about it. She didn't often encounter good spirits, but those she had, she treasured. Justice was no different. "It's why I want you to say good bye to him before you go. You may not have another chance."

"He's still refusing to transfer to another body then?"

"Yes. He says to do so without permission would be unjust, of course," she said. "Can't get permission from a corpse, and he's already developing all these thoughts and ideas because of Kristoff's memories. It might be problematic if he starts to get too many different memories in his mind. Ugh. I wish Wynne was here. She would probably be able to help due to her own circumstances, help him find a living host willing to help, but no one is going to accept sharing their body with a spirit. Damn that abomination title. We need a word that's just for joining with spirits."

"You know the Chantry would go crazy if mages started to think spirits were fine to let posses you," Anders said. "It would set mages back centuries if they thought we even considered it."

"Or it might set us forward if we had a few good examples of what can happen if we do things right. Anyway, forget it. I'm musing now. Just please say good bye to him before you go. I don't honestly know if he'll be here when you get back with Karl. He might claim he has no desires, but you two have become friends. He'll get mopey if you leave without letting him know."

"Right," he said softly. "I'll do that. Thank you for telling me."

He left and she went back to work, long into the night hours. It wasn't until she left her office to go to bed did she feel any sense of dread.

It probably had to do with the fact Kristoff's body was laying on her floor, completely immobile and there was a letter pinned to her pillow. She didn't bother to check to see if Justice was still inside, able to tell immediately that he was gone. Instead she snatched up the paper and ripped it off her bedding to read it.

'Commander, I know this is going to upset you, so I'll just say it outright. I've thought about our talk and I don't think I can take the papers, mostly because I'm not coming back. There are too many things to do. Karl isn't the only one who needs saving or help, and I can't have you lying so much just to protect one mage.

There's a problem with our beliefs if we really need to go through so much effort to keep a single man safe. Maybe you can't do anything about it, but I can. Not as a Grey Warden, but an apostate. It's a word I'll carry with me if I have to. I think I need to do this one my own. Well, mostly on my own.

By the way, don't worry about Justice. I think I was able to fix it. If that old bat Wynne can handle it, I'm sure I can too.

Sincerely,

Anders

P.S. Please check on Aura occasionally for me. I don't want Justice to worry about her, okay?'

She read the note several times over before she was finally able to believe it, and even then she didn't want to.

"Anders... you didn't," she whispered as she looked down at the lifeless corpse of Kristoff.

End of Chapter 1

So there we have it, first chapter. The second will be handling Hawke and then Lavellan respectfully. Obviously I couldn't cover her whole back-story in one chapter, but this is the important points for the plot. More of course will be revealed as the story goes on.

If you enjoyed it, please read and review. Much appreciated.