bobtheklobb: Yo what up? I'm new to ff.net and hope to for a long while.
I'm posting my first story. It is an epic that will make you cheer
with happiness, pump you up with action, leave you on the edge of your
seat, make you cry your eyes out, and touch your heart deeply...NOT! The
only thing this will do is make you laugh. So I hope you're not too hyped
up. Enjoy this fic, it's based off of RE1 and the ever so goofy plot.
NOTE: I don't own RE or anything worth the mud on your shoe. PART ONE: Another normal day...
The day had begun fairly regularly, I got up, got dressed brushed my teeth, had a coffee and went to work. The office was as sleeply as ever, as always everybody was doing what they usually do, Wesker was reading a Stephen King novel and roaring with laughter, Joesph was squishing a spider, that had apparently made scared Brad so bad he was bawling like a baby. Rebecca's desk was still of course untidy and messed up, she wasn't unpacked yet. Of course, there was Barry, Who was eating a bowl of Captain Crunch and watching some cartoon on a small Tv. I walked over to see what he was doing. "Hello Barry," I said...no answer. "PWAHAHAHAHA!!" If you include that, as a response. I sighed and went to my desk as Barry spit chewed up cereal all over the tv and tipped over in his chair. I searched again, "Hey where is Chris?" I looked around, it was nine A.M. Chris usually burst in without any pants and dove into my arms shreiking "HELLOOOOOOO!" Wesker immediatly dropped the book and blurted out something very quickly "Ididn'tspillt-virusinhiscofee!" Every member of the team glarred at the usually silent man. Barry frowned "What?" FLASHBACK Wesker snuck through Chris's condo grinning like a mad monkey. "Heh-heh... now you're gonna get it Chri-OOF!" Wesker had tripped over a large lump of something. He pulled himself up and nearly gasped in shock. Chris was on the floor, dead lying in a pile of his innards! "Wait a minute..." Wesker looked closer at the "innards" nevermind, it was his vomit, Chris just got really drunk, threw up and passed out in a pile of his own barf. Wesker lightly slapped himslef in the head for not realizing it. He stepped over the drunk youth and pulled out a vile of T- virus He poured it into a convieniatly(sp) placed cup of coffee. He rubbed his hands together in a menacing way, grinning with malice. "I have you now Chris Redfield, soon you'll be a lifeless slob that only eats the flesh of weaker beings!" Wesker's left eye began to twitch as he began the trademark laugh, "HAHAHAHA! MWAHAhaha..ha?" Wesker frowned, "Isn't Chris already a lifeless slob that eats the flesh of weaker things? Oh well! HAHAHAHA!!!" Wesker dashed out the door and to the hq. END FLASHBACK "Look! A uh... duck!" Barry grinned and spun around. "Wow! I like ducks!" Barry began to chase the fake fowl and plowed through the wall, I groaned and turned to Wesker, "Dammit Wesker that's the 4th time this month!" Meanwhile Chris dove through the crater and landed on my lap grinning
"HELLLLLLLLLLLLLO JILL!" Chris grinned broadly. "Are you ready to marry me yet?" I sighed and pulled out the tazer, driving it into Chris's nads. Chris instantly lit up like a christmas tree, twitching madly and flying off my lap, he fell to ground, twitching and jabbering before going into a fetal position and sucking his thumb. Wesker by now was long gone and the radio was crackling. "He-KRRR-o! Can-KRRR any-krrr hear -KRRR!" Joesph dashed to radio and picked up the speaker "Who's there! Respond!" Joesph dramatically called back. The voice broke through again, "-KRRR-help, we ne-KRRR rescue KRRRRRR!" Joesph's face became serious "Stop making that KRRRR noise! It's driving me nuts!" "Sorry, this is Kevin, we need help there are abunch of evil Residents like a monster frog, and uhh oh hi, can I help you? Uhhhhh, huh? Well AUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! AIIIEEEEE! THE PAIN!! NO! DIE!! OH NO! HE TOOK MY GUN AND IS USING IT ON ME!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! -crackle-"
"Kevin...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Joesph immediatly broke down crying loudly. Brad had wet his pants, the crackle made him think his skull was cracking. Chris had gotten back up was holding a shotgun. "Alright guys! time for action!" Chris aimed the weapon at the target on the wall. Barry was back to, holding duck, petting it. "Uh Chris... is that loaded?" Chris grinned "Heck no, see? *BAM!*" Chris let go of the gun and screamed like a girlscout in the woods jumping into my arms...again. I once again applied the tazer, Chris exploded in electricity and splattered against the wall, Brad peeled him off the wall, and looked at him, "You okay Chris?" Chris's only response was a gurgling noise. He was smoldering still. "Well we may as well suit up now," Barry giggled with glee. "I love to suit up!" Onto the equipment room we went POV Switch to Chris. I pulled myself up and brushed off the dead skin and dirt off, there was surprising little, Jill must be in a good mood.well suit up time, I ran to the equipment station. And got the equipment Berretta, CHECK Survival knife CHECK Body armor CHECK Ammo CHECK first aide spray CHECK I was about to leave when I realized I forgot the two most important items. I pulled the porno and rubber duck out from locker (That's why he has 6 item spaces). I heard Wesker call my name. "Christhisway!" Why he said it so fast, I dunno it was like a zombie dog attacked me. I followed quickly and boarded the chopper. We lifted off in silence ready for the mission but Barry suddlenly blurted out "STOP! I gotta pee!"
Bobtheklobb: Well that's it for now...review if you want more, flame if you must. But you'll break my spirit and I'll be forced to send...something after you...
NOTE: I don't own RE or anything worth the mud on your shoe. PART ONE: Another normal day...
The day had begun fairly regularly, I got up, got dressed brushed my teeth, had a coffee and went to work. The office was as sleeply as ever, as always everybody was doing what they usually do, Wesker was reading a Stephen King novel and roaring with laughter, Joesph was squishing a spider, that had apparently made scared Brad so bad he was bawling like a baby. Rebecca's desk was still of course untidy and messed up, she wasn't unpacked yet. Of course, there was Barry, Who was eating a bowl of Captain Crunch and watching some cartoon on a small Tv. I walked over to see what he was doing. "Hello Barry," I said...no answer. "PWAHAHAHAHA!!" If you include that, as a response. I sighed and went to my desk as Barry spit chewed up cereal all over the tv and tipped over in his chair. I searched again, "Hey where is Chris?" I looked around, it was nine A.M. Chris usually burst in without any pants and dove into my arms shreiking "HELLOOOOOOO!" Wesker immediatly dropped the book and blurted out something very quickly "Ididn'tspillt-virusinhiscofee!" Every member of the team glarred at the usually silent man. Barry frowned "What?" FLASHBACK Wesker snuck through Chris's condo grinning like a mad monkey. "Heh-heh... now you're gonna get it Chri-OOF!" Wesker had tripped over a large lump of something. He pulled himself up and nearly gasped in shock. Chris was on the floor, dead lying in a pile of his innards! "Wait a minute..." Wesker looked closer at the "innards" nevermind, it was his vomit, Chris just got really drunk, threw up and passed out in a pile of his own barf. Wesker lightly slapped himslef in the head for not realizing it. He stepped over the drunk youth and pulled out a vile of T- virus He poured it into a convieniatly(sp) placed cup of coffee. He rubbed his hands together in a menacing way, grinning with malice. "I have you now Chris Redfield, soon you'll be a lifeless slob that only eats the flesh of weaker beings!" Wesker's left eye began to twitch as he began the trademark laugh, "HAHAHAHA! MWAHAhaha..ha?" Wesker frowned, "Isn't Chris already a lifeless slob that eats the flesh of weaker things? Oh well! HAHAHAHA!!!" Wesker dashed out the door and to the hq. END FLASHBACK "Look! A uh... duck!" Barry grinned and spun around. "Wow! I like ducks!" Barry began to chase the fake fowl and plowed through the wall, I groaned and turned to Wesker, "Dammit Wesker that's the 4th time this month!" Meanwhile Chris dove through the crater and landed on my lap grinning
"HELLLLLLLLLLLLLO JILL!" Chris grinned broadly. "Are you ready to marry me yet?" I sighed and pulled out the tazer, driving it into Chris's nads. Chris instantly lit up like a christmas tree, twitching madly and flying off my lap, he fell to ground, twitching and jabbering before going into a fetal position and sucking his thumb. Wesker by now was long gone and the radio was crackling. "He-KRRR-o! Can-KRRR any-krrr hear -KRRR!" Joesph dashed to radio and picked up the speaker "Who's there! Respond!" Joesph dramatically called back. The voice broke through again, "-KRRR-help, we ne-KRRR rescue KRRRRRR!" Joesph's face became serious "Stop making that KRRRR noise! It's driving me nuts!" "Sorry, this is Kevin, we need help there are abunch of evil Residents like a monster frog, and uhh oh hi, can I help you? Uhhhhh, huh? Well AUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! AIIIEEEEE! THE PAIN!! NO! DIE!! OH NO! HE TOOK MY GUN AND IS USING IT ON ME!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! -crackle-"
"Kevin...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Joesph immediatly broke down crying loudly. Brad had wet his pants, the crackle made him think his skull was cracking. Chris had gotten back up was holding a shotgun. "Alright guys! time for action!" Chris aimed the weapon at the target on the wall. Barry was back to, holding duck, petting it. "Uh Chris... is that loaded?" Chris grinned "Heck no, see? *BAM!*" Chris let go of the gun and screamed like a girlscout in the woods jumping into my arms...again. I once again applied the tazer, Chris exploded in electricity and splattered against the wall, Brad peeled him off the wall, and looked at him, "You okay Chris?" Chris's only response was a gurgling noise. He was smoldering still. "Well we may as well suit up now," Barry giggled with glee. "I love to suit up!" Onto the equipment room we went POV Switch to Chris. I pulled myself up and brushed off the dead skin and dirt off, there was surprising little, Jill must be in a good mood.well suit up time, I ran to the equipment station. And got the equipment Berretta, CHECK Survival knife CHECK Body armor CHECK Ammo CHECK first aide spray CHECK I was about to leave when I realized I forgot the two most important items. I pulled the porno and rubber duck out from locker (That's why he has 6 item spaces). I heard Wesker call my name. "Christhisway!" Why he said it so fast, I dunno it was like a zombie dog attacked me. I followed quickly and boarded the chopper. We lifted off in silence ready for the mission but Barry suddlenly blurted out "STOP! I gotta pee!"
Bobtheklobb: Well that's it for now...review if you want more, flame if you must. But you'll break my spirit and I'll be forced to send...something after you...