First posted on my writing archive on May 27, 2007.

Title: The Good Ship Nodame
Characters: Nodame, Chiaki, Mine
Wordcount/Rating: 700+ words / gen
Spoilers/Warnings: No spoilers, but it's a sci-fi AU.
Summary: Chiaki gets irritated at his ship's AI again.
Author's Notes: This is all Tarigwaemir's fault--she asked for Nodame Cantabile cyberpunk!AU.

Chiaki's voice bellowed, reverbating throughout the ship.

"MINE!!!"

"Yes, Chiaki?" Mine said a few moments later, running onto the bridge. "What's the problem?"

Chiaki eyed the spare boiler part in Mine's hand that seemed about to slip from his fingers. Just before it did, Mine transferred it to the other hand. Both of them now looked dirty and greasy. Perhaps it had been a mistake to call for Mine--but then again, no one else could figure this damned ... thing out. "When I am on the bridge you call me Captain," Chiaki said tiredly.

"Sorry, Captain Chiaki," Mine said, shrugging. "Anyway, what's up?"

Chiaki massaged his temples. "This ... this eternally damned nuisance needs to go."

Mine looked at where Chiaki had gestured vaguely around the bridge, but saw nothing out of place. "... Sir?"

"Nodame," Chiaki said with exaggerated patience.

"You called?" A chirpily happy voice came from the speakers. "What can Nodame do for you, Chiaki-sama?"

"Program yourself into a black hole and get me a proper ship's AI," Chiaki muttered.

"Silly Chiaki-sama, Nodame is a proper ship's AI!" the voice said. Some dials flickered in a synchronized display of a pixellated pink heart. "Do you want to go into a black hole? There are three black holes within twelve parsecs of our current location, and the closest one is only five space-jumps away. We can be there in thir--"

"I do NOT want to go into a black hole," Chiaki said slowly in a dangerous voice, glowering at the dashboard as he enunciated every syllable clearly and precisely. "Do NOT program any new courses unless I give a specific order, or I will have your programming wiped out of existence and fly this ship manually myself!"

"Yes, sir," said the female voice again before subsiding into silence. Mine chuckled, and Chiaki turned to him.

"Mine," Chiaki said, making a great show of exaggerated patience. "At the next port, I want you to exchange this AI for another. No ifs, ands, or buts. Just do it."

"But, Chiak--"

"I said no," Chiaki said, and his forehead furrowed. "We are getting a new one."

"We don't have the money for it," Mine said almost apologetically. "Your uncle said he's not giving you any more unless you go back to Earth and visit them within the next six months."

"Fine," Chiaki said, grinding his teeth. "We shall visit my uncle, and while we are in port, you will change that infernal program for another."

"That's very unkind of you, Chiaki," Mine said. "She can hear you, you know.

"In case you haven't noticed, Mine," Chiaki said, "Nodame is artificial intelligence." He gestured towards the panels upon panels of dials and gauges. "Never mind that in its case that's an oxymoron and false advertising to boot. I'm not concerned about how a mere AI feels. Just change it."

"Don't call her 'it', Captain, you'll hurt her feelings," Mine said, frowning.

"It is a computer program!" Chiaki said, forehead twitching as he felt his temper beginning to fray. "Subroutines, programmer's codes, pre-programmed responses, questionable logic. The day it becomes artificial sentience is the day I shall apologize. Right now I'm going to cook something that actually deserves the term 'food'." With that, he left the bridge.

After a few seconds, there came a tentative voice from the speakers. "He's joking, isn't he? Nodame's the best AI for Chiaki-sama's ship!"

Mine patted the dashboard awkwardly. "He'll come around, Nodame. You just irritated him, that's all. Stop mixing up his breakfast cereals and burning his food, okay? Do you want me to take a look at your food synthesizer?"

There was a minimal pause. "Nope," said the computer voice, almost sing-song now. "Nodame has to cook everything a little more, just to make sure Chiaki-sama doesn't get food poisoning from raw food!"

"Nodame," Mine said, rolling his eyes. "We've talked about this. Chiaki knows exactly what he's doing. If he wants food cooked to that degree, give him food cooked to that degree. You aren't supposed to give him charcoal and call it food."

"Nodame is taking care of her captain," the voice replied, just slightly haughtier. "He needs more fiber in his diet."

"I really don't think that's what the nutritional manuals had in mind," Mine said, wincing.

- END -