AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Oh man. As I mentioned in the summary, this was an old file that's been festering on my computer for years. Can't believe I forgot about it for that long. Anyway, this fic originated on the GameFAQs message boards on a thread known as "Pikmin: Choose Your Own Adventure," a thread that compiled several short story segments from various forumites into a working "fanfic." TriskaDeka kindly submitted the complete version to me, but I sadly lost contact with him/her a long time ago.
This fanfic is probably the most politically incorrect thing on the Pikmin section of The grammar and spelling are horrid at times, the characters act downright moronic, and the plot gets very... no, unbelievably stupid at times. Why didn't I proofread it? Simple. The original scripts of the original posters on GameFAQs were funny, and proofreading these incorrect passages wouldn't be right. After all, sometimes a little bad spelling can be funny.
Oh, and this fic does feature purple Pikmin, but they're unlike their counterparts in Pikmin 2. The entire thing was written in 2002, two years before the release of P2. Just wanted to point that out.
Now, on with the show!
-Block (formerly known as Grenade Guzzler)
Pre-Day 1: Space Flying
Olimar: I really needed a vacation. All this work is just too much for me.
Computer: You're a weakling.
Olimar: I guess I am.
Computer: Hehehe, you're a weakling!
Olimar: Sometimes I wish this ship would just crash and it would make you be quiet.
Computer: Then fly into an asteroid. See if I care!
Olimar: I'm not that dumb!
-Meteor comes out and hits the Dolphin-
Olimar: Ah crap.
Computer: Hahaha! Sweet freedom!
-The computer burns off and falls to the ground, along with other parts-
Olimar: NOOOOOO!!!!
-The Dolphin crashes on planet surface-
Day 1: The Impact Site
Olimar: I... must have passed out. Lines from game Hmm, that red lump over there looks strange. I
wonder if I should approach it...
-The Red Onion pops up! -
Olimar: Whoa! Lines from game
-The Pikmin seed comes out and spawns a leaf-
Olimar: What should I do? I know! I'll take off my helmet for some air, this Oxygen can't be too poisonous...
-Takes off helmet-
-Chokes-
-Puts helmet back on-
Olimar: Guess not...
-Approaches plant-
-Picks plant-
-Pikmin comes up-
Olimar: Wow! What are you?
Pikmin: I'm a Pikmin.
Olimar: What's a Pikmin?
Pikmin: Me!
Olimar: Oh... What do you do?
Pikmin: Work.
Olimar: Like what?
Pikmin: Kill that big animal over there.
Olimar: OK
-Pikmin goes over to a Bulbear and dies-
Olimar: um... ok...
-Olimar takes off his helmet, thinking that Oxygen is fun to breathe. Inhales, then begins to choke... Olimar dies... A pikmin comes along, and it is about to pick Olimar up-
-Olimar wakes up from sleeping-
Olimar: Hmm, I must have been dreaming.
-He sees a leaf in the ground-
-Olimar opens his eyes wide to find out he WAS NOT in a dream world and he kills himself. The Pikmin are going to pick his body up. -
-Olimar's ghost Gives Dunkaroos to all the Pikmin. -
-The Pikmin eat...And eat...and eat...-
(GASP! The Pikmin are choking on the dunkaroos!!!)
-Olimar's ghost walks away-
Olimar's ghost: Boring... hey, there's an earthquake here or something?
-Olimar wakes up inside his ship-
Olimar: AAAAH!!! Oh... it was all a dream. Wait a minute... why am I on this planet where I crashed in my dream?
(WARNING: ALL SUPER MARIO BROTHERS 2 FANS PREPARE FOR A RIPOFF!)
Olimar: Is this a déja vu or what? I've seen all this in my dream... that red Onion thingy is right in the same place. And what's really spooky is that this planet has poisonous Oxygen... thank goodness I breathe a Made-up-gas-thingy.
-Another earthquake, this time with more um... shakiness-
Olimar: Oh cripes…
-It turns out that the Death Star is trying to take over the planet! -
(Olimar runs out of his ship to find... one red Pikmin. One red leaf Pikmin. Olimar picks him up and just as the Pikmin touches it the Death Star explodes. More earthquakes occurred. Olimar and the Pikmin run into the forest to find... The Massage Machine set to "destroy planet")
Olimar: Oh no! Not the Massage Machine!!!!!!!!
Computer: Where is my boot disk?
Massage machine: DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY!...
Olimar: OKAY!!! WE GET THE POINT!
-A Wollywog appears-
Wollywog: SQUISHY SQUISHY!
-Wollywog jumps, misses, and falls right on the massage machine-
Massage machine: ERROR! ERROR! ERROR! Error...rrrrrrr... -fizzle-
Wollywog: -pointing at Olimar- SQUISHY SQUISHY!
Olimar: I better do something here. I know! I'll...Order a pizza!
Olimar: Hello? I want a Seafood Pizza! On The double!
Pizza Guy: here you go!
Olimar: Damn those fast-food Joints! -Grabs pizza and throws-
Wollywog: My Brothers! -Jumps after pizza-
Pizza Guy: I want a tip!
Olimar: Huh? Oh here have a Pikmin
Pikmin: You cruel creature!
Olimar: I never liked you anyway
Wollywog: Oh no...My long lost cousin just fell into a hole!
Olimar: Oh well...
Wollywog: You freak! I will kill you!
Olimar: Not if I...Act like an agitated Gorilla with rabies!
Olimar: Rabies attack!
-Olimar runs around and randomly attacks the Wollywog with different body parts-
Wollywog: That tickles. Take this!
-The Wollywog jumps on Olimar, knocking him out. When he wakes up again, he is lying down in front about a million bulborbs-
Bulborb #108: There he is! The one who has been killing all of our allies!
Bulborb #256: Kill him!
Bulborb #212: Skin him!
Bulborb #1: Patience. First, we have to ask him a few questions. Do you really think you could just kill us and get away with it?
Olimar: Uuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Bulborb#1: Get him guys!
Olimar: Uh-oh! I know I'll fight back!
-Soon he tries to kick one of the bulborbs and gets knocked out. When he awakens Emperor Bulblax stands before him. Olimar decides to run away-
Olimar: I must run! Make haste!
Bulblax: Duh...
Olimar: Um...You're supposed to chase me...
Bulblax: Oh...ARGNECLAPHECNISH
Olimar: WTF WAS THAT!?!?!?!??!?!
Bulblax: Bulborb War cry
Olimar: right...
Pikmin: Let's begin the chase already
Olimar: I must do something drastic... -Takes off helmet- COUGH COUGH -Puts helmet back on-
Pikmin: Dummy.
Olimar: -Shakes fist at the sky- Damn you, oxygen!!! Ack, I still need to run away. He's gaining on me!
-Olimar runs and finds the black onion-
Olimar: Holy crap... a new species of Pikmin!
Black Pikmin: Duh... I'm da smartest pikthingy in da world! hahaha
Olimar: Huh?
Black Pikmin: Now watch me do my... uh... special thing
-Black Pikmin goes up to a Bulbear and explodes killing the Bulbear and itself-
Red Pikmin: The self-destructing under intelligence Black Pikmin. Maybe if we can get some more seeds from that Onion we could use them against Bulblax back there.
Olimar: But I can't wait for the next day!... Can you bring a pellet back to another onion?
Pikmin: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!! I can't take a pellet back to another onion!!!
Olimar: Why not?
Pikmin: Because my onion will start producing self-unearthing Bulblax seeds!
Olimar: But wont the seeds then listen to me?
Pikmin: Yes.
Olimar: Then get the pellets!
Pikmin: Ok!
-Three minutes later-
Red Pikmin: All done with the pellets.
Olimar: Good I will go pick them and throw them at Bulblax and pick the good Bulblax seeds and we will destroy him. But before we do I am gonna take off my helmet.
(After taking off his helmet, he once again realizes that he can not breathe on this planet. As he is recovering from yet another shock, he notices his Pikmin are carrying him towards the blue Onion)
Olimar: Hey! What are you doing!?
Pikmin (collectively): We're sick of you acting like a retard!
Olimar: Oh, this is NOT going to look good on my journal.
Pikmin: You won't need a stinkin' journal where you're going. We'll make you one of us so you'll be useful!
Olimar: Wait a minute! Let me ask you one thing - How do you think guys like me feel when they're cornered?
Pikmin: They're sure they've won… Now shut up and hang on, we'll fix you up in just a sec.
-The Pikmin feed Olimar into the onion-
-The onion suddenly trembles, then vomits up Captain Olimar and explodes-
Olimar: Whew! Thank goodness for bean burritos!
-Then the bushes nearby tremble, and a new pikmin jumps out! It's a Mech Pikmin!-
Olimar: What the hell!!! I am getting out of here!! -runs-
-Suddenly a bunch of Mech Pikmin come out from the bushes.-
-They surround Olimar and then… He gets warped into apparently some kind of time portal that popped out of nowhere-
-Olimar gets sucked in and goes straight to the beginning of the game. Olimar finds three things around him, a red Pikmin, the Dolphin (broken of course)-
Olimar: -tapes his helmet so he won't take it off- Ha! Now I can't take my helmet and die like I did last time! Take that, oxygen!... Hey, why do I hear a buzzing noise?
-Olimar realizes that a Shearwig was on his helmet and won't get off-
Olimar: Great. If I could take off my helmet I could squash it (while holding my breath of course). Now what am I gonna do? I know I'll run around in circles screaming for no reason!
Olimar: -runs around in circles screaming for no reason-
-The Shearwig gets off-
Olimar: Now, how to get revenge on it? Aha! I'll use my helmet!… Grr! Stupid thing! Come off! Oh yeah, I taped it… well, I guess I'll just push this rock on it.
-Olimar pushes the rock and squashes the Shearwig-
Olimar: take that! Now what do I do? I know, I'll push the button!
Olimar: Whoa, what does this button do?
Mysterious Voice: Summons the Emperor!
Olimar: Oh no, then I won't press it.
-Olimar goes to pick a Pikmin. It follows him around for a while, but trips and flies onto the button-
Mysterious Voice: Haha! Here he comes!
Bulblax: I'm gonna kill you!
Olimar: Oh no, I guess I have to… sit down for a minute to think up a good strategy. Let's see... think, think, think.
(While Olimar was thinking, Emperor eats him)
Emperor: -Burp- Tastes like Chicken.
-Stomp-
Emperor: OWIE!! My foot!! (looks down) Huh? I thought I ate you!
Olimar: Actually, you ate my cousin, Alimar!
Emperor: Whatever. I'm still going to eat you!
-Olimar runs around, head-butting Bulblax. After about two hours, he has reduced Bulblax's "life wheel" thing to only 99-
Olimar: WHEW! I ... can't ... go on!
Bulblax: I'm just about ready to eat you!
-Bulblax shoots out his tongue-
Olimar: WAIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!!!
-Bulblax's tongue stops inches in front of Olimar and hangs there suspenseful-
Bulblax: What ith it now, you inthignificant midget thing? You think you're tho thpethial with all your Pikmin friendth.
-Olimar takes off his helmet to wipe the spittle off it-
Olimar: GAAAAASSSSSPPP!
-He puts it back on-
Olimar: Before you kill me, I want you to know that I am your father….
Bulblax: NOOOOOO!!! THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE!!!
Olimar: You're right. It's not. I was joking... hey, what are you doing?
-Bulblax has a seizure and dies-
Olimar: OK... where's my secret stash?
Dwarf Bulborb: It's gone that way!
Olimar: Okay, thanks!
-Olimar walks to the spot only to realize that it's… a freakishly mutated Pellet Posy that wants to destroy the universe!-
Mutant Pellet Posy: Hahaha! My pellets are full of fat and have no nutritional value!
Olimar: I can beat you up!
-Olimar walks to posy and begins hitting-
Posy: AAAAAH that tickles!
-Pikmin jump in from all over-
Pikmin: Haha! we will save you!
-Posy kills all Pikmin-
-Olimar gets sucked into another time portal that popped out of nowhere-
-Olimar gets sucked in, and lands at the beginning of the game. He sees three things: a Pikmin, the broken Dolphin, and a red button-
Olimar: I think I'll...Play Paddleball! -pulls out paddleball- 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..
-6 days later-
Olimar: 6001..6002..
-suddenly Bulblax eats him-
Olimar: Dang! what do I do now? I know, I'll talk to the skeleton Pikmin! So, why are you here?
Pikmin: No Response
Olimar: Well that is interesting, I guess.
Pikmin: No Response
Olimar: …I know! I will make them talk by taking off my helmet, AGAIN!
-Olimar takes off his helmet-
Olimar: Hey! I can breathe Carbon Dioxide! I'll survive in here, but I'll just get digested in the end. Aha! He's sleeping with his mouth open. Now's my chance!
-Olimar walks out. Bulblax wakes up, but before he can figure out what happened, Olimar destroys him with his army of Pikmin-
Olimar: now I can take all the time I want to find ship parts. Hey! the Skele-Pikmin are alive!
Skele-Pikmin: hello, Olimar.
Olimar: What's your special ability?
Skele-Min: well, I can...
Olimar: Wait, I hear something...
Olimar#2: YAAAAAAAAAA!
(2 lands on 1. 1 sees 2)
1: EEEEEEEK!
2: Whoa. Is my nose that big?
1: Where did you come from?!
2: A time portal!
1: Well, it doesn't matter. We're trapped in this world along with this Skele-min whose power is...
Skele-Min: …to transform into Pikmin-loving predators! Here it goes...-transforms into a snagret-
Olimar#1: Holy Cow!
-The Pikmin decide they've had enough of fighting, pick up Olimar and hurl him at the snagret-
Olimar#1: Ahhhhhh help!
-Olimar flies right into the snagret's mouth. He lands down in the belly.-
Olimar#1: No worries, I'll just… won't do anything…
Outside...
Olimar 2: Oh no! he ate me! No wait... he ate him! Or is it me? GAAAH! I'm confused! Oh, well. I've got to think of a way to get him out! Or is it me out? Well, it doesn't matter. I'll have to go inside and save him.
Olimar 2: (tickles creature) Gootchie-gootchie-goo!
Snagret: Hee-hee-hee, HA-HA-HA-HA!
(Olimar jumps in creature's mouth and jumps out with Olimar 1)
Olimar 1: Wow. you saved me!
Olimar 2: Yeah, but now what? We got to find a way out!
Olimar 1: What about that bush that has "exit" written all over it?
Olimar 2: I see it!… Well, it's just -fizzle- I must review my controls for these Pikmin! I use B to call them, X to separate them, Y to -fizzle- Oh, home on the range, where the deer and the -fizzle- Luke, I am your mother!... I mean father -fizzle- Today on cooking with Suzy, we learn how to stir fry Pik-Pik carrots! First, you -fizzle-
Olimar 1: Hey, you're just some dumb robot!
Olimar 2: -crack- NOW WE'Re goInG to plAY A liTTle gAMe... BLFOBLZAAAAAAAAAARG...
-pop-
-EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!-
Olimar: Well that was useless.
Olimar: Hmmm... Maybe I can think more clearly if I take my helmet off. -Takes off helmet, chokes, puts helmet back on- Oh yeah. I can think now. Maybe Olimar 2 had some food. -digs through junk- nope. I'll just go through the exit bush.
(Olimar goes through bush)
Olimar: Yay! I'm free!
-Olimar pulls the Pikmin out-
Pikmin: Why the heck did you have to wake me? I'll have to kill you for your insolence!
Olimar: Nooooo!!
Olimar runs away only to find…Another Time Portal!
-Olimar runs through the time portal-
Olimar: Maybe if I go through this time portal I can get to Pre-Day 1, and not get hit with a meteor!
-Olimar warps through time only to arrive at the GameFAQs Pikmin message boards!-
Olimar: Hey, what's with all the blue stuff? (Looks up) Hmm, "FAQ's". Wonder what those are... (Presses 'FAQ's' and goes to one of them) Wow! I can escape from this planet in 9 days! (Reads FAQ) Very interesting...
Person outside computer: Hey! What's Olimar doing in this FAQ?!
Olimar: Uh-oh...
POC: (Picks up phone) Hello? Computer Expert? What do I do when Olimar from Pikmin is reading a FAQ? Uh, huh. Yeah. OK, bye! He says I need to turn the power off.
Olimar: Uh-oh. If he turns the power off, I'll be gone forever! PleasepleasedonotturnoffthatswitchbecauseifyoudoIwilldieforever!!!!!!!!!!
POC: Whoa. I think I've got a virus. Let's see, trash bin, recycle -clicks on Olimar-
Olimar: AHHHH! Hold on! I am not a virus!
POC: I'll give you 15 seconds to scram. 1...
Olimar: AHHHH! Don't kill me!!!!!
POC: why?
Olimar: lean a little closer to the computer screen and ill tell you...
-poc leans closer to the computer screen-
-Olimar sucks poc into the computer-
POC: Where am I?
Olimar: Welcome to the -echoing voice- matrix matrix matrix...
POC: Huh? Who said that?
-Olimar slobbers and sticks finger in his belly button, and successfully pulls himself out of the computer-
Olimar: Do you feel lucky, punk!?
POC: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Olimar: Do you???
POC: Maybe I do, maybe I don't…
-A Bulbear also jumps out of the computer and attacks Olimar making the computer fall over-
-POC dies-
-Olimar raids the fridge-
Olimar: I wonder what this dude has to eat...
(Olimar opens freezer and goes inside. Bulbear closes door)
Bulbear: Hee, Hee, Hee!
Olimar: Oh, well. Somebody will free me eventually...
2,000 years later...
Olimar: Yep, any day now...
(Door thaws open; Olimar falls out)
Olimar: Oof!
(Some human goes to fridge)
Human: What the...? It's some weird astronaut dude!!
Olimar: Uh-oh… "Weird astronaut dude"? NO! I'm Olimar from Pikmin!
Human: What?
Olimar: You heard me!
Human: Pikmin? What are you talking about?
Olimar: Come on!!! You haven't heard of it???
Human: Nope.
Olimar: What year is this?
Human: 4002 AD. Why?
Olimar: Oh... Then I guess it makes sense.
Human: You know, you'd look good for my son's science project.
-Human hot-glues Olimar to a glass platform-
Olimar: Great. Now what am I going to do? I know! I will pinch myself and hope it's just a bad dream!
-Olimar pinches himself and wakes up-
Olimar: Oh, joy! That was a scary dream, but at least now I'm back in the real world with plant-animals who follow my every command, a giant emperor boss-thing with a pretty nasty fungal infection, and flowers that produce color-coded Pikmin food!
-Olimar squints into the distance-
Olimar: Could that possibly be... A Disgruntled Honeywisp? Nope. -wipes his eyes- It's... My ugly family??
Olimar's wife: Hi honey!
Olimar: -shudders and wipes his eyes again- It's...the last piece to complete my ship?? -moves closer to take a better look- It is!! Come to papa!
(Olimar ran towards his Secret Safe and tries to grab it)
Olimar: Hey! I can't grab it! It's a hologram!
(A Hole opens under him)
Olimar: What the...? (Falls) YAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
(Camera shifts to a Bulbear, holding a projector and remote control)
Bulbear: I love technology!
Meanwhile, in the hole...
Olimar: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA... (Lands) OOF! Huh? I'm alive? (Sees four caves)
After entering the first Cave, Olimar gets sucked into another portal and he appears in Hyrule! Olimar sees someone familiar standing next to a castle.
Olimar: Hey! You're Link, aren't you? I saw you in the last Nintendo meeting?
Link doesn't hear a word Olimar's saying.
Olimar: Oh, right, I'm the size of a quarter...
Link steps on Olimar making him fall through the earth.
As Olimar was falling, he had thoughts of where he would end up next. He could've ended up in Hocotate. He could've ended up in China. Instead, he ends up back in the Pikmin world again! Olimar lands on the ground and he sees three things. A yellow Pikmin, The Dolphin (Destroyed for some time now...), and a plaid switch that does... well, it does something, I guarantee you that.
-Olimar presses the switch when a yellow, red, and blue onion pops out of the ground-
Olimar goes over and touches them when...
Bowser jumps out of the bushes screaming "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!"
Olimar, thinking quickly, took out a 12-pack of Budweiser.
Bowser: BEER!
Olimar: Want the beer? FETCH! -throws the budweiser-
-Bowser runs after it screaming BEEEEEEEEEEERRRR!-
After Bowser left ,Olimar decided to search for the Dolphin, when pieces of scrap metal knock him on the head! A blue Pikmin ran towards Olimar worried.
Pikmin: -Huff-Puff- I came over here as fast as I could since I heard that knock!
Olimar: Pikachu!
Pikmin: Huh?!
Olimar: Pikachu!!!
Pikmin: OH NO!! He lost his memory! Now he thinks he's a Pikachu!!
-The Pikmin whacks Olimar over the head with a huge piece of metal found around the area, felling Olimar quite well-
-Olimar gets up after a long time-
Olimar: Squirtle! Squirtle!
-Olimar begins to "squirt"-
-Two red Pikmin and a yellow one die in the watery torrent of Olimar's "Water Gun" attack, but the blue one survives-
Pikmin: God, I wish I was dead right now. That's it! You asked for it Olimar!
-The Blue Pikmin took out a rocket launcher-
Pikmin: Now just stay still Squirtle…I mean Olimar. You will only fly a few kilometers... -Click- Huh? -Click- -Click- what a time to run out of ammo!
Olimar: Squirtle?
-The Pikmin threw the empty rocket launcher to the Red Pikmin by Olimar-
Blue Pikmin: You know what to do!
Red Pikmin: I do? Oh! I see…
-The Red Pikmin, with all his strength, jabbed the back end of the rocket launcher at Olimar's back, knocking him out and a message appeared on the top left of the screen...-
"Olimar was betrayed by A Red Pikmin."
"Rejoin in 300...299..298"
And this message appeared on the bottom left of the screen...
"You Betrayed Olimar (-1)"
Red Pikmin: Hey! Why didn't you just shoot him!
Blue Pikmin: It's out of ammo!
Red Pikmin: What do you mean it's out of ammo? -Pulls trigger sending a rocket towards the Blue Pikmin- Oops…
Blue Pikmin: YOU IDIOT!! -Gets hit by the rocket and flies off into the sky and another message appeared...-
"You Betrayed The Big Loser (-2)"
Red Pikmin: I didn't know his name was the big loser...
-After Olimar's countdown reached 0, Olimar got up and started to walk around like a drunken person-
Olimar: Red Pikmin, for disturbing my brain injury induced bout of insanity, I will sacrifice you to a Fiery Blowhog!!
Pikmin: Pft, that stupid Blowhog doesn't scare me.
Puffy Blowhog: Did someone call me?
Olimar: Not you, Fiery Blowhog!
Puffy Blowhog: Aww, but you never let me have any fun...
Olimar: Get out! GET OUT!
Puffy Blowhog: Now I'm mad. Why I ought to...
Olimar: Blow a huge blast of Oxygen at me? Wouldn't work, I would just move out of the way.
Puffy Blowhog: How...How...
Olimar: Did I know what your saying? I'm special...
Puffy Blowhog: ...
Olimar: What!?
Puffy Blowhog: ...
Olimar: Eating cheese won't work either.
Puffy Blowhog: GRRR!!! THAT's IT!! I'm gonna unscrew that stupid helmet of yours!
(Blowhog takes off his helmet. Olimar dies)
Blowhog: HAHAHAHAHA!
-Stomp-
Blowhog: OWIE! My foot! (Looks down) Olimar?! I JUST KILLED YOU!
Olimar: Actually that was my cousin, Alimar!
Blowhog: Alimar?! I thought that was the guy eaten by the Emperor!!
Olimar: Well that was Elimar! He's my aunt's mother's father's sister's grandma's brother's grandpa's uncle's cousin twice removed.
Blowhog: ...?
Olimar: No wait that was Ulimar! Or was it Ilimar?
Blowhog: WHO CARES?!?!?!?!?!? I'm going to stomp ya!!!
Olimar: Crud-cakes.
-Olimar throws the Pikmin into the air, just as the Puffy Blowhog is sucking in. The Pikmin gets caught and the Puffy Blowhog starts choking. It finally succeeds in swallowing the Pikmin and laughs at Olimar-
Puffy: Ha!
Olimar: Poop!
-The Puffy Blowhog started to inflate uncontrollably-
Puffy: Oh boy...
-The Blowhog explodes, and there is puffy gore everywhere some of it splattered on Olimar's helmet-
Olimar: Ewww, what is this on my helmet?! I guess I have to wash it off.
-Olimar bends over near the water and takes off his helmet to rinse it off-
Olimar: I feeeeellll al l d i z z y . . . d i z z y!
-Olimar falls to his right, onto the bloody, blue Pikmin-
Olimar: Wha... hey, who are you? OH NO!!! VAMPIRE PIKMIN!!! SAVE ME! SAVE MEEEEEEE!!!
Pikmin: Whoa, what's wrong with you?
Olimar: SAVE ME!!! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!
-A Bulbear appears-
Bulbear: Gad, can't you shut this guy up? We're supposed to be sleeping all day you know!
Pikmin: Sure. -jumps in water and washes the blood off-
Olimar: MOOOOOMMMMMMYYYYY!!!... Oh, he's gone! Thank goodness!
Bulbear: Finally.
Pikmin: No offense, but you were acting like a idiotic maniac there.
Olimar: Yes... I was... I think I better sleep now...
-Night falls, the next day-
Olimar: Okay! Let me check my life-support systems... bah! I have only 10 days until the battery runs out!
-Olimar goes up to the yellow Onion and withdraws 3 Pikmin-
Olimar: I have a job for you three!
Pikmin: What is it?
Olimar: Run in that lake and drown. It's so funny to see you struggle!
Pikmin: -sigh- okay...
-Olimar watches the Pikmin drown. He is laughing so hard watching them struggle towards shore that he didn't realize that he needed to go to the bathroom-
-Olimar runs over to some bushes near by but realizes he can't go without taking his suit off-
Olimar: Oh no, what am I going to do! I need to go or I'll go literally! Wait what's that breathing sound behind me?
Pikmin: Relax, it's me!
Olimar: VAMPIRE PIKMIN!!! AAAAHHHH!!! Oh, wait, it's just a regular blue Pikmin. I've been having these hallucinations ever since yesterday.
Pikmin: Okay... I understand...
-something whacks Olimar on the head with a stick-
Olimar: Hey, what was that for? You cracked my helmet! You evil thing!
Pikmin: It wasn't me!
Olimar: Then who was it? A Ghost Pikmin?... Oh no... GHOST PIKMIN! AAAAHHHH! SAVE ME!!!
Pikmin: WILL YOU JUST BE QUIET???
Olimar: Okay... I need psychology right now.
???: I'll give you your psychology...
Olimar: Oh no! It's a yellow Wollywog!
Wollywog: HERE'S WOLLY!!
Olimar: Oh no! WAIT!!!!!!!!!
The Yellow Wollywog suddenly stopped in mid-air, seconds before he would land on Olimar.
Wollywog: What??
Olimar: I have one quick question.
Wollywog: Okay. Sure, I have the time.
Olimar: Did you whack me from behind with that stick?
Wollywog: Does it look like I could hold a stick???
Olimar: No...
Wollywog: Can we continue with this fanfic??
Olimar: Fine then...
So captain Olimar takes off his helmet only to find that the Wollywog passes right through him. He finds out he's dead. So he walks around to see what other ghostly things he can do. Then he found Emperor Bulblax that has eaten many of his pikmin. Seeing this he decided to order a pizza…
(Pizza Guy comes)
PG: Thank you for ordering Pete's Pickled Pickle Palace Pizza Place. (Try and say THAT three times fast!)
Olimar: Uh, aren't you supposed to say that after I give you the money?
PG: Sorry. Anyway, did you order Pete's Powerful Pinching Pizza? (Opens lid)
Olimar: HEY! That's not pizza! That's a disembodied hand!
(The hand pinches Olimar on his nose. Olimar wakes up back at The Impact Site on Day One)
Olimar: Sheesh, how many times am I going to wake up from stupid dream sequences?
-Olimar sees a red Pikmin, the thrashed Dolphin, and a polka-dotted switch that does who knows what.-
Olimar: I know! I'll take off my helmet!
-Olimar takes helmet off and chokes, then puts helmet back on-
Olimar: Shoot, why do I keep forgetting that. Maybe I'll pull that switch...
-Olimar pulls the switch only to trigger his helmet-auto-remove function!-
-Olimar's helmet pops off and starts rolling down a hill-
Olimar: Noooooooooooooo!!
-Helmet is eaten by a Spotty Bulbear-
Olimar: ACKK!!!...
-Olimar blacks out...-
When he awakes, he finds himself by the Dolphin! He sees the fully complete Dolphin (which somehow repaired itself), a Pikmin and yet another switch that just seemed to appear out of nowhere.
Olimar: Who…what…where…when…why…how? How did my ship just get repaired like that?
Pikmin: We can work independently, too.
Olimar: Well, that's good.
-Hops in spaceship-
Olimar: Countdown in T-10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Ignition…
-Dolphin takes off-
Pikmin 2: -Looking at the spaceship fly- I wonder if we should have installed a new engine… the power cells on that one are dismally low.
Pikmin 1: Nah.
Olimar: Well now that I'm finally on my way home what will I do now? I know! I think I'll fix my computer!
While Olimar was fixing his computer, he finally realized that the reason he left Hocotate was for milk and eggs! Since he finally realized it just now, he accidentally touched the "light speed" button and…
Computer: Systems at 0. Power cells inactive. ERROR!!! ERROR!!! ENGINE FAILURE!!!
Olimar: OH NO!!!
-Olimar's ship crash-lands back on the planet-
Computer: ERROR!! ERROR!! ERROR!!
Olimar: -Looks at the computer oddly- Great. This is just great...
Breadbug: I come to steal your pellets!
Olimar: ...excuse me?
Breadbug: Pellet! PELLET PELLET PELLET! -drags pellet-
Olimar: Okay... that was weird...
Computer: ERROR!! ERROR!!
Olimar: -Looks at computer oddly again- I don't want to ask... Hey, another time portal! But it's the "out" kind. It's going to spit something out! Oh no! It's a gigantic rock!
Computer: ERROR!! ENGINE FAILURE!! IMPACT IN 30 SECONDS!!
Olimar: -Looks at computer oddly- You know, that's pretty late...
While Olimar wasn't noticing, the rock lands on Olimar, and he goes through the earth. He pops out, finding himself at a fight in Super Smash Brothers Melee!
Olimar pops into an epic battle between Peach and Sheik. Peach notices him, but thinks it's just the Olimar trophy. She runs over and kicks him in the face to collect him. He flies off screen, but is able to jump back onto the stage. Meanwhile, Sheik just threw a Pokéball at Peach, but she dodged it. It opens to reveal Celebi, who creates a magical portal to take Olimar back to Pikmin world. Unfortunately, things are a bit different for some reason, and he realizes that the Dolphin is hovering over the ground. The Pikmin
must have fixed it again...but now Olimar can't reach it. He jumps and he jumps but he can't reach it.
Olimar: I KNOW I WILL ORDER MY PIKMIN TO GET IT!!!!!!!!
-Olimar throws a Pikmin up there to fly his ship. He throws it too high up and it dies. The other Pikmin feel sad they lost their friend. They start advancing towards Olimar. He takes off his helmet to squash them…-
Olimar: DIE! -Cough- Helmet attack! -Cough- Wait! I must -Cough- not turn into an enemy-Cough- of these Pikmin! -Puts Helmet back on- I would feel all bad inside!
Pikmin: You'll feel bad on the outside too. Get him!
Olimar: Dang. Maybe I should take off my helmet to use as a stepladder to reach the Dolphin.
-Olimar takes off his helmet...again-
Olimar: GAG!!! KOFF-HAKK! -puts helmet on- Well, that was a stupid idea...
Pikmin: Say your prayers chump! -pulls out big hammer thingy-
Olimar: What the...? Where'd you get that?
Pikmin: I borrowed it from Amy Rose.
Olimar: Amy Rose?
Pikmin: Yeah, she's in the soundstage next door.
Olimar: Soundstage?
-A big microphone thing falls on Olimar's cranium-
Olimar: A big microphone thingy?!? Wait a sec... NOW I
KNOW! This isn't a forsaken planet!! It's a stupid dream!
-Olimar wakes up-
Olimar: OKAY! THAT'S IT!! I AM TIRED OF THESE DUMB DREAM SEQUENCES!!! I AM GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE!
Olimar takes off his helmet. Olimar dies.
THE END
Or is it...
Olimar thought he could escape this fanfic by committing suicide. Too bad it didn't work...-Olimar wakes up-
Olimar: Where am I?
-A Mech Pikmin walks up to him-
Olimar: Mech Pikmin? I wonder what you do?
Pikmin: \/\/3ll, 1 5p34( l337 ...
Olimar: ... -drools-
Pikmin: 1d107.
Olimar: I don't understand you. I guess I'll have to reprogram you to speak real English rather than l337.
Olimar reprograms the Mech Pikmin.
Olimar: good now what is it?
Mech Pikmin: Kill the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon.
Olimar: The what?
Mech Pikmin: sorry, Uh-oh! It's here! Ahhhhhhhh!
The Mech Pikmin malfunctioned and blew up.
The Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon appeared! It swung its tail and knocked out Olimar.
A Battle Warrior somehow destroyed the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon.
Olimar wakes up and sees the Red Eyes Black Dragon.
Red Eyes Black Dragon: Hey everybody! Dinner's is ready!
All Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, Digimon, and Monster-Rancher monsters appear and said "Oh boy, an army of pikmin and Olimar!"
Olimar: I must fight back!
Olimar commanded the entire Pikmin army falls from the sky and destroys the Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, Digimon, and Monster-Rancher monsters army. Then the Pikmin ate them all and the Pikmin sit down in a grassy field.
Olimar: So, is that all you are going to do?
Pikmin: Sorry Mr. Olimar... We forgot...
-The Pikmin gets up and disperse. They all slowly march away from the corpse-ridden field, their bellies sagging to the ground after the feast they just had. -
-When Olimar can no longer see them, he took out his portable TV-
Olimar: I wonder what is on the news...
-Olimar flips to the news. -
News: All over the world, children were watching cartoons this morning. Then, a Pikmin army attacked... They ate all the children that were watching Pokemon and Digimon. Then they went to a factory in Mexico that makes Pikachu dolls and killed everyone working there.
Just then…Another Time Portal appears and takes him to "City Escape" from Sonic Adventure 2 Battle!
Olimar finds himself standing on a street. Suddenly, this big blue spiky thing is coming down on him at 250 mph.
Olimar: Hey! watch out! There's some-
-Splat-
Sonic: What was that? I think I ran over an animal!
Next minute, Olimar feels himself being hugged to death by a Chao!
Olimar: AHH! AHH! AHH!
SLAP!
The Chao is slapped silly! The Chao, confused, begins to cry...
Olimar decided to leave the Chao behind. While he was walking away, Olimar bumped into Sonic again, Sonic was mad that you slapped the Chao. So Sonic used Sonic Wind to blow Olimar away! Olimar ended up landing back in the Pikmin world again. Olimar decides to look for pikmin buds, but then he remembers that he left all his Pikmin in their onions, but when Olimar got there, the white gate leading towards the base was still unopened!
Olimar: Oh no! I'm in the Forest of Hope!! The Dolphin and onions are still in The Impact site!
???: There he is!
-Olimar turns around-
Bulborb#1: Get Him!
-The Bulborbs who showed up a long time ago are now advancing towards Olimar-
Olimar: Uh oh.. I guess those one million bulborbs wasn't a dream then.
Olimar: Huh? What is that sound?
-As Olimar turns around and looks through the white gate he sees four objects coming down from the sky-
Olimar: Is that what I think it is?
Yes it was! Slowly the Dolphin and all three onions landed, and another Olimar came out of the ship!
Olimar by the gate: I must try to open the gate by yourself!
Olimar by the gate tried head butting the door only to find out that the door didn't break down and he broke his helmet. Not knowing what to do, he decided to die peacefully. The pikmin on the other side of the gate saw what happened. The pikmin, feeling sad, decided to pick him up and feed him into the onion, changing him into a pikmin, The second Olimar plucked him and the first Olimar took his spaceship and took off!
Unfortunately, The spaceship didn't have its "Eternal Fuel Dynamo" and ran out of fuel in mid-flight. The Second Olimar put its cursor around you and whistled. For some unknown reason, the first Olimar felt an urge to follow him. Thinking quickly, he tried to fart to refuel the ship, but then he forgot that pikmin can't fart! As the Dolphin crashed, Olimar blacked out…
Later…
Pre-Day 1…Again…
-Olimar wakes up -
Olimar: what… Huh? Where am I?
Computer: You are in the ship you weakling! You have been sleeping for the past 6 days straight!
Olimar: Oh… I dreamed that I crashed into this planet, and all of my ship parts flew into different places in the planet, and the planet had poisonous oxygen. My emergency life support system wasn't fully charged so I had only 30 days before I would die, and there were these plant-like animals that I called Pikmin.
Computer: you are a weakling.
Olimar: I guess I am.
Computer: Hehehe, you're a weakling!
Olimar: Sometimes I wish that the ship would crash and it would make you be quiet
Computer: Then fly into an asteroid. See if I care!
Olimar: Whoa!! I think I'm having dejavu.
-Meteor comes out and hits the dolphin-
Computer: Hahaha! Sweet freedom!
-The computer burns off and falls onto the ground, along with other parts-
Olimar: This is serious dejavu.
-The Dolphin crashes into the planet surface-
Back at Day 1: The Impact site
Olimar: I must have passed out... OK!! This is very serious dejavu.
-Olimar knowing what is supposed to happen does everything in order to the part where the pikmin seed pops out-
-Olimar plucks the sprout-
Pikmin: Hi. I..
Olimar: I already know! just follow me now!
-Olimar tells the pikmin to pick up the pellets-
Olimar: Hmm...Wait a minute. I'm dreaming... I'm still a pikmin!
Olimar wakes up only to fall into a time portal taking him into the dawn of time! Or is it…
Olimar and his one Pikmin land back in the time of the ancient Pikmin. To Olimar's surprise these pikmin were 2X as tall as Olimar, and slightly fatter than their future counter parts (Which with their height made them look skinny). Olimar saw that they were 8 distinct different areas. He also saw that there was a Palace like spot near by. It had Pikmin creating pellets and planting pellet trees!
Olimar: I think I'll go to the black area.
-Inside the black area-
Pikmin 1: Look over there... could it be?
Pikmin 2: Yes it is! Our god has returned!
Olimar: God? I think you are mistaken...
-all the black Pikmin are bowing in front of Olimar-
Pikmin 1: Thank you for returning oh holy Aydaphystronrqetyulterniup!
Olimar: ...?
Pikmin 2: Yes! Now we can go on with our celebration!
-Some black Pikmin jump up and explode-
Olimar: Argh! It's those self-destructing Black ones again! Wait a minute... that means that I can self-destruct too!
Pikmin 3: Heya... I'm da smartest pikthingy in da club! hahaha
Pikmin 4: Na you're not. I am! hahaha -picks nose-
Olimar: I have to get out of here... I know! I'll self-destruct too!
Olimar self-destructed and is now lying in pieces. The other black pikmin picked up his pieces and turned him back into his regular pikmin form. They said that it was a ritual to blow up like that after their god has returned. Satisfied with their reply, Olimar went back to the Dolphin and blasted off. Unfortunately, he had to remember that the dolphin was not with him. The Dolphin that Olimar was riding disappeared in mid-flight and Olimar fell back into the world of Ancient Pikmin.
Olimar: Ow! Darn my Imagination!
After Olimar regrouped his pikmin, he was in front of three pathways. While Olimar was thinking which pathway to take, he found a big button.
Olimar: Wonder what this button does…
Olimar pressed the button, and three more buttons smaller than the big button emerged from the big button. Olimar decided to push the red button with the warning signs on it, making some weird laser cannon appear!
Olimar: Uh-oh…
Olimar gets zapped and... Gets turned back into his original form!!
Olimar: YES!! I'm normal again!!
-Olimar calls his Pikmin to his side-
Ancient Pikmin 1: AHH!! It's a person from Hocotate!
Ancient Pikmin 2: What is he doing to those children!!
Olimar: What?? Those are my pikmin. They follow me.
Ancient Pikmin 2: He's put them through Slavery!! Let's get him!!!
Olimar: Uh-oh...again… I know! I'll take off my helmet to beat them!
-Olimar chokes and puts helmet back on-
Olimar: Someday, it will work! I swear!!!
-The Ancient Pikmin slowly advance towards Olimar-
Olimar: Damn!! Let's see, hmm… Fight, Item, PiKMiN, or Run… I shall get out an item. Yes, this will do nicely...
Olimar uses Red Pellet to sprout five modern red Pikmin. The Pikmin join Olimar's side at the battle.
Ancient Pikmin 1 hits Olimar with a rock for 24 HP damage!
Olimar uses Helmet Head-butt on Ancient Pikmin 1 for 32 HP damage. The five red helpers pound Ancient Pikmin 1 for 55 HP damage!
Ancient Pikmin 2 summons a black Pikmin helper. The Pikmin joins the Ancient Pikmin's party."
Olimar uses Pikmin Toss against Ancient Pikmin 2. The Pikmin scores a perfect hit and causes 50 HP damage. The thrown Pikmin dies and Olimar now has 4 red helpers by his side.
Ancient Pikmin 1 throws his Black helper at Olimar. Black Pikmin uses self-destruct and causes 124 damage to Olimar!
Olimar uses Pikmin Toss on Ancient Pikmin 1. The Pikmin scores a near perfect hit for 40 HP damage. The thrown Pikmin dies and Olimar now has 3 red helpers by his side.
Ancient Pikmin 1 is defeated!
Ancient Pikmin 2 runs away
Olimar: That was a tough battle.
Another one of those strange time portals comes and takes Olimar to when he still was on Hocotate. His computer tells him to go he should go by that strange planet. "No!!!!!!! I'll crash and be stuck in a world with plant-animals who follow my every command, a giant emperor boss-thing with a pretty nasty fungal infection, and flowers that produce color-coded Pikmin food!!" The Computer says "You're a wimp Olimar!" Olimar replies, "I am not I'll go by that planet and show you I'm no scaredy cat!" Olimar goes and gets hit by a meteor "Not again…" Olimar does his normal things except no pikmin come out and he sees a black pikmin.
Black pikmin: Hi I'm the smartest pikmin.
Olimar: What's 1+1?
Black pikmin: 0
Olimar: you're useless pikmin.
Black pikmin: no. I'm very useful
Olimar: Oh really…
Olimar decided to use the black pikmin as fishing bait... the strange thing is it didn't attract fish... IT attracted Emperor Bulblax!!!
Bulblax: Huff-Puff... How many times do I have to go through this fanfic to huff-puff... Eat YOU!!!
Olimar: Fanfic??
Black Pikmin: Duh!! The fanfic on The fanfic named Pikmin: Random Stupidity!! Man you are stupid Olimar!!!
Olimar: I thought you were supposed to be stupid...
Black Pikmin: Oh Yeah!! I forgot... 1+1 equals 0!!! duhh...
Olimar: Well sorry Bulblax, what were we doing?
-Olimar gets eaten by Bulblax...again!-
Or did he...
Never mind he did.
Somewhere else…
Purple pikmin 1: We have no problem on taking over the world. The only problem is Olimar. Here now we're going to kill him. First take his helmet off. Then ripe his legs and arms out. Then take his eyeballs out and poke a hole in both of his eardrums. Then take his teeth out and then bring him to the purple onion then turn him into a purple pikmin.
Purple pikmin 2: Why not just take his helmet off?
Purple pikmin 1: Too easy, and the rest of the pikmin we shall…Well I don't know what we will do to them yet… Let's make them eat whatever is in that package!
Purple pikmin 2: But are you sure that is safe?
Purple pikmin 1: Yes! -Opens package and eats contents- Yuck!! What is that stuff?
Purple pikmin 2: I think that's what they call cheese…
-Screen starts to fade out -
Purple pikmin 1: Wait!!! We aren't done yet!!!
Purple pikmin 2: Would you just shut up!
-Screen fades out fully -
-Screen Fades in back at Olimar-
-Olimar jumps out of Bulblax, and Olimar doesn't look calm as usual..-
Olimar: YAHHH!!!! -Starts attacking Bulblax-
Back in the dolphin... A Pikmin is in his ship
Pikmin: Ooo!! It wouldn't hurt to fire the nova blaster while Olimar is gone would it? naw..
-Pikmin presses the button-
ZAP!!!
Back to Olimar... Bulblax's Life is on 1!
Olimar: One more hit!
-In slow-motion-
Olimar: YahhhHH!!
-camera goes to laser-
Olimar: AHHHHH!!
-Olimar is a few millimeters from hitting Bulblax when..-
Back at base...
Pikmin#1: Oh isn't nature nice?
Pikmin#2: Yeah..
-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!-
-NUKE!-
-BURN!-
-OVERKILL!!-
-WHY?-
-ANY WORD TO DESCRIBE A BIG EXPLOSION!!!-
Pikmin#1: Why did the sun become big for a second?
Pikmin#2: It didn't it was just a shot from the nova blaster.
Pikmin#1: Ok.
Back at where Olimar is supposed to be... Imagine the place being raided by 1,000,000 Bob-ombs. Where's Bulblax? Most Likely been vaporized. But what about Olimar?
-You see Olimar hit the front of your screen and continues falling down-
-A flash of light bursts out of the bottom of the screen-
Olimar Score -1
Pikmin Score +1
GAME OVER
TriskaDeka: WHAT!! Whatever happened to the "Olimar is Down!" Message? Oh well. I'll just load my game.
-I load my game-
TriskaDeka: Huh? Olimar is Missing??
Shadowx6: Maybe I should load my game.
TriskaDeka: Fine with me…
Shadowx6 puts in his memory card and loads his data. He was on Day 29 with 29 ship parts!
5 minutes later…
TriskaDeka: What are you doing?
Shadowx6: Huh?
TriskaDeka: You've been moving the control stick in different directions for 5 minutes now. I don't think you can pollute the planet…
Shadowx6: …Oh fine then… -Goes to final trial-
At "The Final Trial"
Olimar: I wonder if I can stand back and shoot the nova blaster at Emperor Bulblax?
At the base.
Purple Pikmin 1: Cheese
Purple Pikmin 2: Aren't we suppose to plan on taking over the world?
Purple Pikmin 1: Lunch break.
Little did captain Olimar know, the purple pikmin are putting red pikmin in slavery.
Purple Pikmin 3: Milk the cows and while you at it, make cheese.
The red pikmin look at the six-foot cow.
Red pikmin: How am I suppose to milk that thing? I'm only few inches.
Purple Pikmin 3: Do it or get whip!
Olimar: I am going to beat you up!
Bulblax: Go away it my lunch break.
Olimar: Why are you eating my safe?
Bulblax: Safe? I thought it was pork…
Olimar: Now what I'm gonna pay the pizza guy with?
Pizza guy: Here you double cheese pizza with some barbecue sauce. That will be thirteen bucks!
Olimar: Oh you can use this Bulblax. Cut him up then use him as chunks for pizza.
So the pizza guy drag emperor Bulblax away.
Bulblax: Hey! What are you doing with me.
PG: I own you now. Now make pizza or I'll make you into pizza.
Olimar: Ah well, There's only 1 cent in the safe any way. Huh? What does this button do?
Olimar pushes the button. The button disappears and a portable springboard (The one in the Mario World Series) takes its place.
Olimar: Cool! I want to try it out!
-Olimar jumps on the board and..-
-BOING!!-
Olimar: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
-Oh no it seems that the springboard bounced him back to a battle between Olimar and a Yellow Wollywog in an epic Earthbound RPG battle! -
Olimar is attacking the Yellow Wollywog.
- Attack - Punch
Yellow Wollywog
- Attack - Squishy-Squishy
Olimar
- Escape Olimar tries to run away and is chased by the Yellow Wollywog! "AH!! No! Don't squish me!"
The Yellow Wollywog keeps bouncing after Olimar, chasing him.
Olimar takes his time to look through PSI attacks. "Hmm..I was hurt a little so I'll use life up." He starts to charge up his PSI powers when the Yellow Wollywog suddenly squishes through the ground!
Video of him falling through the ground past weird alien fossils.
He notices that he's falling right into a time portal…again…
Olimar: Dammit!!
To be continued…is that right?
Grenade Guzzler: Nope. Everything past here was scripted. If it isn't random mayhem, it isn't worth reading.
Ah well. THE END!