The Perfect Dream Date (or not!)

by Ulquiorra9000

"Dad, I'm telling you, I'm fine."

Ichigo had already said this four times today, but by now he was pretty sure that Isshin wasn't getting the message. Ichigo stood there in the living room late that afternoon, hands on his hips, his best defiant scowl locked and loaded.

It was like talkin' to a brick wall!

"Son, son," Isshin said in a false sagely voice. He paced back and forth, wearing his white blazer over a Hawaiian shirt, a finger held up for emphasis. "You're a hero for saving the Soul Society from Yhwach's evil schemes. But come on! It's time for a much-needed break. You need this, Ichigo."

Ichigo made an exasperated noise. "Okay, but... a blind date?"

"Dad is right, you know," Yuzu put in. "Brother, you've always been so reclusive. This could be good for you!" She smiled craftily. "Bring out your best side, and you could impress any date of yours."

"I appreciate the vote of confidence and all," Ichigo said, "but I just wanna take dinner upstairs to my room and watch videos on YouTu -"

Isshin aimed that index finger right at Ichigo. "Not so fast! Either you go on that date, or I'll ask your teacher to spread a few well-planned, nasty rumors about you. Good luck with that!"

Ichigo scoffed. "You wouldn't."

Then Isshin's eyes took on a cunning gleam, and Ichigo folded. "Jeez, fine! I'll go."

"Wonderful!" Isshin clapped his hands together. "Your date is set for tonight -"

Ichigo stared. "Tonight?!"

"- and my... partner and I have already arranged it," Isshin went on, holding up his cell phone. "It'll be perfect! Throw on your most gentlemanly duds and go to this address."

Isshin handed over a slip of paper with Orihime's address.

"She's staying with Orihime, see," Isshin explained. "She's a friend ofyour friends from out of town. And I know she's dying to meet you!"

"Feel free to stay out late with her," Yuzu added kindly. "Have fun!"

Ichigo was about to make some snappy comeback or other when Isshin threw him another surprise: a rental car key!

"I borrowed a fine ride for you to impress the young lady," Isshin said with a big, fond grin. "What's a man without his wheels? It's a Mustang!"

Ichigo felt himself sharing Isshin's grin. "Fine. Challenge accepted."

*o*o*o*o*

"Yeah, I even had to throw in the car," Isshin explained on the phone right after Ichigo had left the house. "A fancy, roofless Mustang. He's stubborn, you know."

He nodded at the response. "You're a genius, my boy, for setting this up. I don't give ya enough credit! I oughta set up a date for you, too..."

The other person hung up in irritation.

*o*o*o*o*

"Ichigo!"

Orihime swung her door open later that evening once Ichigo knocked. She stepped aside. "Just in time. Say hi!"

Ichigo smoothed his black blazer and red shirt. "Good evening, miss - Candice?!"

"Well, there's the stud," said Candice Catnipp, hands on her curvy hips, her tongue licking her upper lip, a manic gleam in her eye. "How ya doin', Ichigo?"

Ichigo stared at Orihime in horror. "Wh-what's she doing here? I wasn't told -!"

Orihime giggled. "It's a blind date, Ichigo! That's the idea."

"You're just in time," Candice said, and she cupped a hand to her ear. "Hey, is that your ride?"

"Uh... sure," Ichigo said carefully. He had left it idling on the street. "My dad rented a Mustang for me, you see -"

"I like a man with wheels," Candice said slyly, tapping a foot. "C'mon, are we gonna go? Let's do this!"

"S-sure," Ichigo repeated. "You, uh... look really nice, Candice."

He wasn't wrong; the former Sternritter looked classy in a knee-length, form-fitting dress, the fabric a deep hue of jade with gold highlights. Not to mention her black heels and silver necklace, and her opal earrings.

Those opals weren't real, were they?!

"Well, thanks, hon." Candice grinned and stepped past Orihime, and she promptly gave Ichigo a firm slap on the rear. "Lookin' pretty sharp yourself."

Ichigo jumped as though electrocuted (maybe he was!). "Hey, let's save first and second base for later, okay?"

"Is that a promise?" Candice ran a finger along Ichigo's shoulder.

"M-maybe."

Candice chuckled. "You're so shy. I'm gonna fix that. C'mon!" She took Ichigo's wrist and dragged him to his waiting car, and Ichigo barely had time to wave good-bye to Orihime before climbing in and driving off.

"So, uh... is it true that the surviving Sternritter were pardoned since Yhwach and the Wandenreich fell?" Ichigo asked, trying to sound casual as he took a right.

"Sure is," Candice said. "Problem is, life's boring now! I'm glad that my friend set this up for us."

Ichigo nearly choked. "What, my dad?!"

Candice giggled. "No, the other one! Let's call it Mystery Girl or Guy Who Set This Thing Up."

"Long name."

Candice shrugged. "So where are we goin'?"

"I was thinking about this nice burger joint just down the road -"

"Screw that. I was given some cash, and I'm gonna spend it all!" Candice seized the steering wheel and forced Ichigo to turn left through a red light. Cars honked and swerved like frightened geese.

Ichigo yelped. "What the hell!"

"There's this cute restaurant a few blocks down. Please?"

It was hard to say no, given how Candace was doing the actual steering. "Fine. But you pay for any tickets we get, driving like this!"

Candace only smiled.

On the plus side, the restaurant really was nice, and Candice dragged Ichigo (his poor wrist!) to a table and plopped herself right down. She snapped her fingers like a firecracker. "Garcon!"

A waiter appeared at once, but looked less than happy. "How may I serve you, young miss, young sir?"

Candice tapped her chin as she frowned at the menu. "What's the special, garcon?"

The waiter's scowl deepened. "Roast duck seasoned with lemon and steamed green beans on the side -"

"That sounds stupid." Candice handed over the menu. "Give me your best pizza, will ya? Chop chop!"

She could get that anywhere, Ichigo thought. He politely ordered a steak dish and handed back the menu.

Candice smiled and leaned forward on her elbows. "This is great, Ichigo. I don't get out often enough."

"Yeah, 'cause you and your gal-pals blow everything up," Ichigo commented.

Candice giggled again. "Is that so bad?"

"Uh..."

Then Candice shifted a bit in her seat, and Ichigo noticed just how low-cut her dress actually was. He tried not to stare, and failed.

"Admit it," Candice teased him. "You were looking forward to this."

"It was a blind date!"

Candice winced. "Well, if you had known..."

Ichigo paused. "Well, I wouldn't want to disappoint my dad," he said, which was only half true.

"Mmmmhmmm." Candice's smile widened. "Tell me somethin' about you that I don't know."

"Uh..."

"Please?"

Ichigo racked his brains. "Did you know that I once put a soul into a stuffed lion? I named him Kon."

Candice gasped. "Whoa! That sounds really cute! Could you get me one, too? As a present?"

Ichigo winced at the image of two Kons terrorizing every girl at his school. "How about a stuffed bunny or lion that doesn't grope girls."

"Hey, I'd get more action from that toy than I'm getting from you so far."

Ichigo felt his face warm. "The date just started!"

"Yeah, and I'm doin' all the work." Candice crept a hand across the table like a spider. "You gotta meet me halfway, darling Ichigo. Give a girl some fun." She licked her lips again.

It was lucky that the waiter appeared again at that moment with their food.

"Oh, finally!" Candice dug into that poor pizza with animal ferocity.

"Hey, we've got all evening," Ichigo said bracingly, but Candice was already done.

"Whew!" Candice patted her stomach. "Sorry, gotta freshen up a bit. See you in a minute." Then she stood up and stalked over to the women's restroom.

Ichigo slumped in his seat and groaned.

The waiter appeared again. "Can I help you, young sir?"

"Oh, I wish."

*o*o*o*o*

"It's not workin'!" Candice pouted in the women's room as Giselle and Meninas joined her.

"What a stubborn boy." Giselle studied Candice's chest. "You've got plenty of cleavage there. But maybe a bit more..."

"No way," Meninas interrupted. "Candice, you need an emotional connection! Find out what he likes."

"He's more boring than I expected," Candice complained. "Grouchy, standoff-ish... you'd think he never met a girl before!"

Meninas looked sad. "The date's a bust?"

"Nope! Just do this..." Giselle whispered into Candice's ear.

Candice grinned. "I was just thinking the same thing."

*o*o*o*o*

Ichigo stared when Candice finally came back... with a half-drunk bottle of Chardonnay in hand!

"Whew! Is it gettin' warm in here?" Candice took a swig and offered the bottle. "C'mon, have some fun juice!"

"Put that away!" Ichigo hissed. He glanced around. "Before anyone sees! Where'd you even get that?"

Candice hiccuped. "Rescued it from the kitchens."

Ichigo raised his hand. "Check, please!"

The waiter was back in a flash, and he snorted in fury when Candice threw the check at his face. "Here, garcon! Your money!"

"Young miss, is that a bottle of -?"

Candice took Ichigo's hand again and ran off. "Hurry!" She took another drink on the way for good measure.

Ichigo raced out of the parking lot and back onto the road, his heart racing. "Okay, this is getting crazy, Candice!"

"Damn right it is!"

"No, I mean I'm taking you back to Orihime's."

"Only if you want your dad to ruin your reputation for good. He's got about a thousand embarassing photos of you! He told me."

Ichigo ground his teeth. Was all of Karakura Town conspiring against him?!

"Fine. Where d'you want to go?"

A dancing class, in fact, but the other dance students screamed and ran as Candice's wild moves threw Ichigo at them, and she toppled into the dance instructor.

"Hey, turn up the music!" Candice shouted to no one in particular.

Now Ichigo was the one who took her wrist. "We're leaving!"

Try as he might, Ichigo couldn't burn off Candice's crazy energy, not even at a bowling alley, a karaoke bar, or mini-golf. Candice simply emptied the wine bottle and kept on chuggin', and it was all Ichigo could do to catch up. Until Ichigo parked the car near the river, and the calming effect seemed to sink in.

"Oooooh, this is nice, darling boy," Candice said woozily, letting the breeze toy with her mint-green hair as she relaxed in the passenger seat. "Don't ya think?"

Ichigo nodded. "Feeling any better?"

"Kinda."

Heck, might as well... Ichigo turned up the radio, and Fleetwood Mac's "You Make Loving Fun" came on. Ichigo nodded to the music's beat, and he smiled. "This is really nice. I think this date turned out okay after all."

"Sure did, hon." Candice tossed aside the empty bottle and it shattered on the asphalt. She turned up the radio volume. "Hey... you wanna make lovin' fun?"

"I could sing," Ichigo said nicely, hoping that was what his date meant.

Nope!

"C'mere." Candice seized Ichigo's shoulders and tossed him into the wide backseat, and she clamored over him, her tongue all over his face. "You taste good!"

"M-maybe it's the steak I had earlier?"

Candice panted as she tried to tug off Ichigo's blazer. "Hey, you promised third base earlier!"

Ichigo went red. "I-I said maybe first or second!" he spluttered.

"Third, honey." Candice got that blazer right off and undid Ichigo's top button. She ran her hands across his chest, her eyes sparking. "Your dad worked hard to set us up!"

"M-my dad is the last person I wanna think about right now!" Ichigo tried to squirm free, but darn it, Candice was strong!

Candice tossed her hair and pried off her heels. "I use lightning, y'know," she slurred. "I can be... very gentle with it. And sensual." She ran her fingers down Ichigo's throat, and little sparks jolted him.

"D-don't go all Voll Stern Dich on me!"

"Don't worry, I'm gentle," Candice repeated, and she undid another button of Ichigo's shirt. "Wanna see?"

Ichigo suddenly wished that he knew a good body-restraint Kido.

Then Candice got impatient and ripped open Ichigo's shirt, and the buttons scattered. Candice sighed as she ran her hand along his abs, her chest heaving eagerly.

Ichigo wanted to resist at first, but not after he felt a tingling sensation under Candice's hands, and damn it, it felt good. He felt his face warm and he relaxed. Hell, Candice was a pretty great girl, once you get to know her!

Encouraged by the music, and Candice's stimulating touch, Ichigo let her lean down and kiss him wetly, her tongue all over the place. He held her hips in his hands, his heart beating excitedly, a pleasant buzz in his mind. "Don't stop," he breathed.

"I won't. We're all alone out here," Candice whispered into his ear. She fiddled with Ichigo's zipper. "It's a magical night! Uryu wanted this for both of us -"

Ichigo felt his mind snap back to reality and he found the strength to push Candice back and sit up. "Uryu?!"

Candice clapped a hand over her mouth and sat back. "Whoopsies! Wasn't supposed to say that!"

"Okay, this date's over." Ichigo shook his head. Dammit, how could he fall under Candice's spell like that? And more importantly, that four-eyes Uryu Ishida, of all people, was responsible for this? What the hell!

"We can't be done yet," Candice panted, feebly trying to reach toward Ichigo. "We've... gotta..." Then she slumped over and snored.

Ichigo oriented Candice into a more comfy position, climbed into the driver's seat, and didn't stop driving until he deposited Candice at Orihime's place.

Then he floored it until he reached the Ishida house and banged on the front door. "Uryu! Come out here!" Ichigo demanded.

Uryu obliged. "Don't shout," he said crossly. "What is this about?"

"Your date from hell, that's what." Ichigo ran his hands over his face. "What were you and my dad thinking?!"

"I'm sorry?"

"Candice got drunk and spilled the beans. I know you and my dad set this up."

Uryu nodded. "I see. Look, Ichigo... you're always been a wild one, and I thought that since Candice is the same way, she and you would hit it off! I was trying to do you a favor."

"Yeah, well, your favor tried to get to third base on the first date."

Uryu winced. "I wasn't counting on her getting drunk."

"She stole a bottle from a restaurant."

"Figures." Uryu sighed. "Very well. I apologize for your date. Happy?"
"Not yet." Ichigo poked a finger into Uryu's stomach, and he grinned wickedly. "It's your turn."

Uryu went red. "I beg your pardon?"

"Do it, Uryu, or I'll tell Keigo that you've always secretly been his best friend, and that you'd love to spend more quality time with him."

Uryu scoffed. "That's not even -"

"Oh, I'll have Orihime, Mizuiro, and Tatsuki spread the word. They're masters at rumors and gossip. You'll never be able to show your face in public again without Keigo wrapping his arms around his best friend forever!"

Uryu stared as he realized that this really could happen. The horror! He swallowed. "F-fine. What do you want from me?"

Ichigo pressed his car key into Uryu's palm. "The car's yours. I can walk home from here, but you're gonna take Candice out on the perfect dream date tomorrow night. All four bases are fair game."

Uryu's face resembled a ripe red tomato with glasses. "Ichigo...!"

"Hey, opposites attract, after all." Ichigo started walking away, waving. "Good luck with your date, buddy! I'm sure you kids will hit it right off!"