Hello everyone!
I'm back in the fandom for a little thing I wrote in two days, mostly in class (shame on me) but that I wanted to write for a long time.. Daddy!Bucky is my weakness.
Once again, English isn't my first language, I got someone to correct it, but there might be some mistakes left.. they're all mine, and I'm very sorry!
I hope you'll enjoy reading it as I had fun writing it! :)
Bucky Barnes wasn't a good parent. He was completely sure of it. Otherwise, there wasn't any reason for his two months old baby to cry all the time like she was doing. At first, he had thought that maybe -maybe, Hayley was just hurt, hungry, or even tired. But the little girl was healthy, well fed, still she couldn't sleep well. He even had her checked by a doctor. Nothing was wrong. So he definitely was the problem.
Maybe his daughter didn't love him. It could be true, after all he had left Russia with her a few weeks after she was born, leaving her mother, who had abandoned her after childbirth, behind. Maybe Hayley was making him pay for that. He wouldn't know.
This is why he was currently holding her against his chest, slowly rocking her to calm her down while she was crying, her little fists punching the air furiously. He had just come back from the doctor's, and he felt like crying with her. He was tired, exhausted even, and he couldn't understand what was wrong with him. He would never give up on his daughter, her mother had already done that, without looking behind; but he was lost, and maybe he had been too hopeful when he had thought that he could handle this by himself.
He realized that he was silently crying with his baby in his arms in the middle of the bus when someone touched his shoulder, and he looked up, blinking a few times to chase away his tears. He knew he probably looked like shit anyway, no matter what he could do.
"Are you okay?"
The man sitting next to him was young, maybe a couple years younger than him. He seemed worried, his blue eyes sparkling with emotion, his bottom lip caught between his perfect teeth. He had blond hair and some freckles on the bridge of his nose, and was probably the most gorgeous man Bucky had ever laid eyes on. His shoulders were broad, he was muscular and looked at least as tall as him.
He realized that he was staring in silence when the blond man shook his head, cheeks flushed red, and ran a hand in his hair.
« Never mind, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked anything, it's none of my business, I'm just gonna... »
« No, no… I'm the one who's sorry." Said Bucky, trying to smile. "I mean… Yeah, I… I'm lost, man. I'm sorry, I shouldn't say that like this but… »
He looked at his daughter one more time, feeling his heart break when he saw that her little cheeks were wet with fresh tears. Somehow, he was the cause of his daughter's pain, and he couldn't even find out what it was. He was probably the worst dad ever.
"Is she your first child?" Asked the blond one more time, smiling to Hayley.
As if the blond was a wizard, the baby stopped screaming, looking at him with a frown. She was still teary, a small pout on the corner of her little lips, but she seamed more intrigued than anything else.
"Yes, she is... Man, how did you do that? Are you like a baby whisperer or something?" Cried Bucky, feeling releaved and worried at the same time. Did that mean that he was definitely the problem with her?
The blond laughed, and Bucky realized that it was probably the most beautiful sound in the world. He stared at him, probably looking like an idiot with his mouth wide open, but he couldn't care less. He was crying in the middle of the bus, and a gorgeous man was calming his baby and being awesome at the same time, he had the right to look awful at the moment.
"Nah, I'm just... I don't know. I love babies." Finally said the handsome man.
"And babies loves you it would seem!"
The blond smiled even wider, waving at Hayley again, a stupidly gorgeous smile on his stupidly gorgeous face.
"Do you... God I feel horrible asking that but... You really look lost, man. Are you... Are you alone? Is the mom... Around?"
Bucky shook his head, feeling like crying again. Damn, he was a grown ass man, and there he was, crying like his baby girl in the middle of a bus and in front of the most gorgeous stranger ever.
"No... Her mom left. She didn't want this kid anyway... And well, I always wanted a baby, and I thought that, when I found out that I was gay, I would never have the chance. But she was there, and she needed an excuse to run away from her life. She used me as an excuse, she got pregnant and her family chased her away. She was free, but knowing that she was having my baby... I insisted, I wanted her to keep it... She could give it away, but I wanted..." He stopped, not knowing if he could go on. "She didn't even want to look at her when she was born... She just waited to get better and left. So I came back to the US with her, and... And I never thought it could be that difficult. I mean... It's almost like she's mad at me for my life choices you know?"
Steve shook his head, and Bucky sighed loudly.
"I'm sorry. I'm telling you my life story right now and you're just here being awesome with my daughter... I'm sorry"
"Hey man, no problem" said the blond gently, taping his shoulder. "My friends always told me I'm a good listener!" He joked.
Bucky smiled a bit, still rocking Hayley against his chest. The little girl was now yawning, probably exhausted from screaming all day and night long, and her eyelids seamed heavy. The bus was making his way downtown, Bucky lived at the other end Brooklyn and he still had a good ten minutes until his stop.
"I'm Steve, by the way" said the blond good looking guy, still smiling (was he even tired of smiling like that? Or was he on earth especially to make his world a little bit better?)
"Bucky. Well, James Barnes... But everybody calls me Bucky."
"Is that so?" Teased Steve.
"Yeah... Well, my parents had a weird sense of humor, my middle name is Buchanan."
Steve laughed again, a full body laugh that made his eyes crinkle and made him look even more beautiful.
"Alright. I'll give you that one. So you're from Brooklyn? I recognized the accent."
"Yeah, Brooklyn born and raised" smiled Bucky. "I mean, I lived in Russia for a long time in my youth, but I always end up here. I love Brooklyn, I love New York, and I wouldn't want my daughter to live anywhere else."
He looked at Hayley, smiling with fondness when he saw that she was now asleep against his heart.
"Well I can't blame you. I lived in DC for a few years and I just got back. I'm moving in today, but I wanted to take a walk, after getting all my stuff in the flat this morning. I used to live in another part of Brooklyn, now I'm in a few stops from here."
"Really? Me too! Since I got back, I live in Clinton Hill."
Steve stared at him with wide eyes, mouth slightly open.
"No kidding? Me too!"
"Really?"
Steve nodded, now fully turned in front of him and Hayley. An old lady sitting next to them was looking at them with a frown, probably unhappy to see a baby with two men only, but he couldn't care less. Times had changed, and he knew that being a single gay dad wouldn't be something easy, but he was okay with it. As long as Hayley was happy.
"You just moved in, then?" Asked Bucky when the bus slowed at their stop, and both men jumped to their feet.
Bucky tried to be careful not to wake his daughter when he walked to the door, but she was too far gone for now to care if she was shook a bit. Steve turned once he was on the street, making sure Bucky was okay and didn't need any help, and they started walking towards their neighborhood.
"Yeah, well I finally quit my job, and I am now officially free. So I wanted to come back here, where all my friends are."
"Did you leave for a long time?"
"Nah, a few years, just three. But it's long when you don't have a family, you know my friends are my only family and I missed them so much. Plus, my job..." He shrugged. "My job, I thought I was doing the right thing and I ended up just doing someone else's dirty job. I'm not interested in that. Is that weird to say that I wanna do good thing, help my country and help others?"
He actually looked embarrassed, and Bucky couldn't help but smile.
"Nah, it's not. I mean, it's cute. Like, really cute. But I know what you mean. You're talking to someone who was in the army for a few years, so I know a lot about wanting to do the right things and ending up doing someone else's dirty job!"
Steve actually looked startled at that, and Bucky felt shy when he caught Steve's impressed gaze on him.
"You were in the army?"
"Yeah, Sergeant Barnes, at your service."
"My dad was in the army" whispered Steve like if it was a secret, or maybe something that he didn't talk about very often. He twisted his hands a few times, looking at his feet while he walked. "He died in Afghanistan when I was just a baby."
Bucky felt his chest tightened. He knew all these stories, he had lived them, and he had lost so many men in the field not that long ago. Thinking about that made him shiver and he stroked Hayley's cheek with his right thumb to cool himself.
"I'm sorry"
"Yeah, me too."
Steve blinked a few times, looking quite embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking about that. Not when you served, and obviously lived hard things, I.."
"It's okay, Steve, really" smiled Bucky, feeling quite relieved that the blond wasn't the kind of intrusive people to always insist to get them to talk about their time overseas. "I mean, I ended up with a pretty impressive bionic arm, so that's a plus."
Steve looked at his shoulders with a frown, obviously trying to figure out if he was telling the truth or just teasing him.
"What, do you think I've been holding a baby for two hours with only my amazing strength? She's asleep on my metal arm. Weirdly, she seams to love it. I'll never understand her." He finally whispered, his good mood gone once again.
"Hey" said Steve "if it's any comfort to you, I find it really cool, even if I've never seen it."
"Thank you Steve. I knew you were amazing the moment I saw you."
And there it was again, Steve's full body laugh. A few people turned around, even smiled at them, and Bucky felt better than he had in a long time. With all the stress he had endured during Ana's pregnancy, not knowing if she would keep the baby at the end and run away with her or just leave, the few weeks after when he had to deal with his new parenthood by himself and his arrival in Brooklyn, Bucky hadn't felt good for a long time. Of course he was happy to be a dad and he wouldn't give up on Hayley for anything on the world, but he really needed a shoulder to cry on these days. Steve wasn't his shoulder or his reason to hold on, he really didn't even know the man yet, but he felt good around him, and most of all, he felt happy.
"Well yeah, I am pretty amazing, right" laughed Steve as they were approaching Bucky's building.
The brunet was surprised to see that they were heading to the same place, and jealously felt hope slowly creeping inside of him. Could he be lucky enough to keep in touch with Steve if they were living in the same building?
"You are, you calmed Hayley with a smile. I've been struggling to calm her down even for an hour of sleep, and you just make her sleep with a smile. On a bus. After one look. I feel really offended, thought."
"Oh come on. I'm sure you're an amazing dad, Bucky."
And once again, his good mood was gone by the window with this sentence. He felt his shoulders tense, and his whole body shook with the weigh of his insecurities.
"Not so much." He groaned. "You know, she doesn't stop crying, I don't know what's wrong. I'm just coming back from the doctor, and she's perfectly healthy. I don't know, it might just be me, maybe she doesn't like me. Or she's mad at me, because her mom is gone, or because she feels that she wasn't wanted in the first place... I don't know. I'm hopeless. And I'm pretty sure that I'm the worst dad ever."
They were reaching the building by now and Steve took his keys out, opening the door and holding it for Bucky. The brunet blinked a few times, realizing that Steve owned a set of keys and was most likely living in the same building as he was. The blond man seemed lost in his thoughts after Bucky's words, and he finally started speaking again when they reached the elevator.
"Bucky, I don't have a baby, but I'm pretty sure every parent thinks that their kid don't like them at some point... The baby blues is common, I've read about it a few times."
Bucky frowned, confused and a little bit amused.
"You've read about it? What are you, a 60 years old woman?"
"Oh shut up you punk."
It was his turn to laugh, and this time it was shaky enough to wake Hayley, who stirred with a frown and started whimpering again, much to Bucky's distress.
"Oh come on Hayley, we're not even in the apartment" whispered Bucky, feeling the little girl shake in his arms.
"Yeah, I think she's pretty much awake now, I'm sorry man" said Steve, looking embarrassed for him.
"She's probably hungry, she ate two and a half hours ago. Did you know that babies eat every three hours? That's crazy. They don't tell you when you want one as a kid, that they're little monster who will probably eat you alive if you don't feed them."
Steve snorted, and giggled to Hayley when she looked at him with her big blue eyes.
"Yeah, I know. I told you, I know a lot of stuff about babies, I love them."
"Damn, you're too pure for this world."
Steve seemed proud to hear that, and Bucky couldn't help but roll his eyes. He didn't know why, but talking with Steve was easy, even almost… familiar. He had known the man for half an hour, and he was already more comfortable around him than around most people, and that was something.
« Hey, what's your stop? » suddenly asked Steve when he turned to the elevator keyboard.
« Oh, the 5th floor. »
Steve opened wide eyes, looking at him in awe.
« Really? Me too! »
This time, the coincidence was too good to be true. « You're kidding, right? »
« Nah man, I just moved in the 507. I told you, I moved in this morning! »
Bucky let out a little laugh, shaking his head lightly like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.
« I live in the 505. So you're basically my new next door neighbor. I knew the apartment next to me was empty, but I didn't know someone moved in. Whoa, that's awesome dude. Like, really. I mean, not for you obviously, you're gonna see us a lot, but I'm sure Hayley will be pleased, so yeah!"
Steve's smile was back again.
"Come on, I'm happy. I already know my neighbor, that's a plus! The old lady living in front of us didn't seem to like me anyway"
"Oh yeah, she's weird" sighed Bucky "don't mind her, really. It's not against you, I think she just doesn't like anybody."
The elevator stopped at their floor, and both men came out. Bucky stumbled to search for his keys in the bag currently hanging from his right shoulder, keeping Hayley against him tightly. Steve tried to move to help him, but the brunet was already holding the keys between his fingers. Bucky smiled at Steve's impressed glare.
"Yeah, you gotta learn a lot of things when you're a parent. Acrobatics are one of them."
"I'm impressed. Really!"
Bucky opened the door and sighed when Hayley started whining again, shaking a little in his arms. He put the bag on the floor next to the door, and turned to Steve.
"Hey, it was really nice to meet you, really. I enjoyed the bus ride, and I'm so sorry for my rumblings earlier. It was a nice way to meet my new next door neighbor, though."
Steve smiled, looking a little bit shy.
"It was a pleasure meeting you too. Don't worry about the rumblings, I told you, I get it. It's not easy being a parent."
Bucky nodded, not sure of what to do next. There was that awkward moment of goodbye that he hated, and there it was. Precisely.
"Hey" Steve finally said when he turned. "If you ever need anything... With Hayley, or you know, a cup of sugar..."
Bucky smiled.
"Anyway, don't hesitate. Really. Just... Knock, okay?"
"Okay. Goodbye Steve."
"Goodbye Bucky."
When he closed his apartment door, for the first time in a long while when Bucky looked at his daughter, he felt a smile stretching his lips.
Bucky was awakened in the middle of the night by his daughter's scream, again. He groaned, rolling on the side of the bed to get up, running a hand through his hair while yawning. He looked at his electric clock, realizing that he had slept for a little less than an hour. It was a little past 4 am, and Hayley had been sleeping for precisely 52 minutes before waking up, again. Since their visit to the doctor a week before, Bucky could literally count the hours of sleep he'd had per nights on his valid hand. He had thought that things were going to get better when he had realized that she was perfectly healthy and probably a little bit shaken by the trip from Russia, but it didn't. Hayley was still crying most of the time, all day and night long. Bucky was exhausted, but there wasn't any magical solution to his problem.
He got up, walking fast to get to Hayley's room which was next to his. When he opened the door, he felt his heart break a little bit more when he saw his little girl crying in her crib. Her cheeks were wet with tears, her little fists and feet punching the air, and she was struggling to take a deep breath after every scream.
"Hey baby" whispered Bucky when he got to the crib, bending to take his daughter in his arms.
She hiccuped a few times, struggling after crying so hard for so long.
"I'm here pumpkin, why are you crying again?"
She whined, closing her eyes and letting her head fall against her father's neck. Bucky patted her little back slowly, feeling helpless against her tears and recurrent sadness. He waited for her to calm down a bit and walked into the living room, turning only the TV on to get some light, and muting it to keep the silence. Hayley was still occasionally whining against the skin of his neck, but she was mostly silent now. He rocked her slowly for a few minutes, now knowing if he should feed her again, when he heard a muffled knock on the door.
Frowning, he got up, still holding his daughter against his chest, and opened the door.
"Hey" said Steve when Bucky saw who was waiting on the other side of the wooden door. "I'm sorry, is that a bad time?"
Bucky felt silent for a while, looking at Steve like he was an alien, standing outside his apartment in the middle of the night in sweatpants and a gray tee shirt. Looking ridiculously good as well, Bucky noted.
"Humm, no? I mean... It's 4am but I'm struggling with a crying baby here, so... Wanna come in?"
As weird as it was to invite your almost unknown neighbor inside your apartment at four in the morning, it felt weirdly right to Bucky as he was closing the door behind Steve.
"I'm sorry, it must seem so weird to you" began Steve, holding his hands in front of him. "But since I got back from DC, I can't really sleep. You know, nightmares and all.. Anyway. I was drawing earlier and I heard Natasha cry, I guess her room is right next to mine. And I heard you both fall asleep, and then she started crying again a few minutes ago... You don't sleep a lot, and I wanted to make sure that everything is fine. For both of you."
He stopped talking, catching his bottom lips between his teeth and looking suddenly worried. Bucky kept staring for a while, before slowly beginning to smile.
"That's... Awfully adorable of you, actually. I should be scared, cause you know, you're kinda spying on us through the wall, but they are very thin, so I can't blame you. I mean, I heard you singing in the shower, so..."
Steve looked scandalized, much to Bucky's delight.
"What? You heard me... Oh man, that's embarrassing."
He scratched his neck with a frown, and Bucky actually giggled. (Giggled? What was wrong with him?)
"Yeah, I heard everything. Well, Beyoncé isn't the first thing I would have thought of but... You sang Single Ladies pretty well. Thought, I have a preference for Carly Rae Jepsen, the I really like you song? Tremendous."
"Oh my god, I wish a big hole in the ground could devour me right fucking now so I could disappear and never have to face this humiliation again" cried Steve.
Bucky was now fully smiling again. Steve was a genius, or maybe even an angel from heaven who was here to help him with Hayley.
"Well, now that you're here... You can help me with this little lady."
He realized that Hayley hadn't even whined since Steve got in the apartment, and she was indeed looking at Steve with curious eyes.
"And, once again, that's unfair. You're just standing here being pretty and she stops crying."
"What can I say, I'm a peach."
Bucky snorted.
"Yeah well, if mister America could please help me getting this miss' meal ready."
"Of course. Where is everything?"
Bucky considered explaining everything for a second, then looked at Hayley. She was still extremely curious about Steve, and he had read somewhere that babies needed another contact than their parent's to be fully prepared for school. Of course Hayley was a little young to think about school, but still. She hadn't been seeing anyone except her dad since she was born, and maybe it was time to change that.
"Actually... Do you mind holding her while I warm the nursing bottle?"
Steve seamed a little surprised, obviously, but he couldn't hold the smile that lightened his face at the mention of him holding Hayley. He looked like a ten years old kid at Christmas Eve for a moment, and Bucky felt like kissing his face when he looked happy like that. Instead, of course, he held Hayley for Steve to take her, and looked as the blond snuggled the baby against his muscular torso. If he had feared for a moment that Hayley would cry, she didn't, and she kept looking at Steve like he was her personal and favorite God. Bucky should have felt a little jealous, after all he was Hayley's dad, not Steve, but he couldn't really compete with the blond Adonis in front of him. He couldn't really blame her. At least, she already had good tastes.
"So, what's wrong with this little lady?" Asked Steve with a funny voice, not looking at Bucky but Hayley, playing with her little fingers between his.
"I don't know man, and if you can find out, you'll probably be my new favorite person in the world" sighed Bucky, heading to the kitchen.
Steve frowned.
"What, I thought I already was your favorite person in the world!"
Bucky tensed, looking back at Steve with questioning eyes. The blond was still playing with the baby, a soft smile on his lips. Could it be possible that Steve was flirting with him? He had told him in the bus that he was gay, but the guy never answered. He could just be playing, and just enjoying Hayley's company... Bucky shook his head. It wasn't the time to let his insecurities take over his life again. If Steve was interested in a friendship and nothing more, it was fine. He seamed like a good person, and Bucky always had a gift in reading people. He trusted his own judgment, and Hayley's too.
"Well... If you keep her calm like that, you definitely are."
Steve finally looked at him, an unreadable expression on his face. The blond man didn't look as young as Bucky had thought in the first place. He maybe had two or three years less than him, but not much more. But what Bucky found the most interesting was all the pain he could see in Steve's eyes. He had been in the army, he knew the faces and looks of the men who had lived through hell. And strangely, Steve was one of them. Now he couldn't tell why, but he knew that Steve hadn't lied when he had mentioned his nightmares before. He didn't know what his job used to be, but he sure as hell knew it wasn't drawing shit.
"She hate less than three hours ago, but I don't know, maybe she's too hungry... I don't know, I'm telling you, I'm a terrible dad."
Steve sighed.
"Come on, Bucky. You are not a terrible dad. First of all, you really care for your daughter, bad parents don't. And then... Look at her. Hayley is the most healthy and happy baby girl I've seen. You are obviously both struggling with this new life, but it will be okay."
Bucky kept preparing the baby bottle, not looking back at Steve. He finally whispered shyly:
"How can you be sure about that? I mean... You know, I'm pretty sure she hates me. I don't... I don't know. You probably know a lot more about babies than I do."
He felt Steve move behind him, but he didn't want to turn around. He had just opened his heart twice to a man he didn't even know, and maybe Steve was getting tired of him already. But instead, he felt Steve's hand on his bionic shoulder, and finally looked up.
"Bucky... You know I'm here, right? Like, literally here with you right now, but I'm next door if you ever need me, or anything. I know you haven't had a good night of sleep in a while, I know you're dealing with all of this alone, and... Well, I can't do a lot, but I can be here for you. We barely know each other but I know.."
He stopped, looking angry with himself and with the fact that he couldn't find the right words. He looked at Hayley again, smiling at the little girl, and kept going.
"It's a thing, with me... I can read people pretty well, you know? I know when they're being sincere, or even feel if they're basically assholes pretending to be nice or if they're really nice." He shrugged. "Call that a professional thing, I've been working for the SHIELD for a few years, that was the job I quit last month. I don't know if you've heard of it...?"
"Yeah, I know SHIELD. My unit in the army, it was linked to it, HYDRA..."
"The HYDRA forces?" Exclaimed Steve. "Yeah, I know... Damn, you've been through..."
He stopped, not knowing if he should carry on or not. Bucky, on his part, was too startled to realize that his old job and Steve's were linked.
"I am the one who passed the extract order" whispered Steve "when your unit got caught, I was the one who ordered that they search for you. I'm so sorry it took so long, I..."
"You were the one who got suspended because you got us out?" Asked Bucky with a small voice.
He looked at the man in front of him with wide eyes. He didn't really know what had happened with the bureaucracy, all he was aware of was the fact that someone took a bullet for them sending without permission a rescue unit for the HYDRA unit in hostile territory, and that the guy had been suspended afterward.
"Yeah, I was. I couldn't stand it, knowing that this unit had been captured, that everyone knew where they were but no one was moving to get them. I wasn't a bureaucrat, I was a field agent, but I had some friends who where willing to help me get to the main office and order the rescue. So I sent another unit, and I got suspended for that. It was years ago, but I think it was the moment I decided that I would quit one day. And I finally did it, last month."
Bucky stayed silent for a moment, still holding the cold baby bottle half empty. He didn't even realize he had stopped on his track to listen to Steve, and when he saw the other man's worried gaze, he felt bad for his silence.
"You saved me" he finally murmured. "You saved me, and most of my men that night."
"I... Well, I didn't really save you, the rescue team did" argued Steve, suddenly looking shy.
"No" insisted Bucky. "Steve, you saved us. All of us. I... I can't thank you enough. We've been tortured, beaten, some of us to death, and you... You got almost fired for saving our asses. Thank you. Thank you, so much."
Both men were now looking at each other with teary eyes, and the only thing stopping this moment was Hayley's groan, who shook them both back to earth.
"I should..." Mumbled Bucky, holding up the baby bottle for Steve to see.
"Yeah, she's hungry. Or tired of hearing us talk, maybe."
Bucky chuckled, getting back to preparing Hayley's meal. From the corner of his eyes, he looked as Steve, then turned his attention back to his daughter, smiling and babbling to the baby, who was looking at him with interest. He felt his heart tightening when he thought about the fact that the reason he was alive at the moment was because Steve had a big heart, and it was also the reason why Hayley was born. Without Steve, he knew that they would all have been killed eventually. It was just a matter of time, and that was why the SHIELD didn't want to bother with a rescue mission. The HYDRA unit always had been replaceable.
"She's a little monster eating all the time, that's what she is" Bucky teased.
Steve looked scandalized, turning to Hayley once again.
"Do you hear how your daddy's taking about you! No wonder why you don't let him sleep... I'd pee on him when he changes my diaper too, at this point."
This time Bucky couldn't help but laugh out loud.
"Oh god, don't give her ideas like that, you punk! She's already soaking me wet when she takes a bath and she's 2 months old. I'm never gonna survive if you give her tips!"
Steve winked at the brunet, who raised his eyebrows, surprised. The baby bottle was now ready, and Steve heard the microwave ring as well as Hayley, who started screaming again.
"Can I feed her?" Suddenly asked Steve when Bucky came back with the hot bottle, his baby blue eyes matching Natasha's as they both looked up at Bucky expectantly.
"Huh, yeah, sure."
He didn't ask if Steve knew what he was doing, he was pretty sure by now that the blond was full of secrets. And surely, when Steve took the bottle and began feeding Hayley, he did it perfectly. Bucky let himself fall on the couch next to them, looking with a tender smile at Steve feeding his little girl, and enjoying the few moments of silence.
When he startled awake, the living room was completely dark, and the TV was turned off. He blinked a few times and suddenly panicked, jumping to his feet.
"Hey, Bucky?"
He turned around and felt a huge amount of relief when he saw that Steve was lying on the opposite side of the couch, looking like he was barely awake himself.
"Where's Hayley?" Asked Bucky, throat dry.
"In her bed. She fell asleep after her meal."
It wasn't that he didn't trust Steve, but he barely knew the guy after all. He turned around, barging into Hayley's room as silently as he could. A huge sigh of relief left him when he saw his baby girl, sleeping deeply in her crib, totally safe.
As he came back to the living room, he felt silly when he found Steve rubbing his eyes on the couch. The man fed his daughter, put her to sleep while he was asleep and the first thing he did waking up was doubt him.
"She's sound asleep" he finally said, and Steve's head snapped up when he spoke. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you."
And of fucking course, Steve smiled at that.
"I totally understand, Bucky. I would have panicked too. I'm almost a total stranger to you, and you fell asleep very fast. When she finished eating you had been asleep for what, twenty minutes, and I felt bad waking you up just to put her to sleep. I mean, you obviously need some rest. So I took care of it, and I stayed in case you would wake up and panic. I did well on that one I believe!"
Bucky rubbed his hands together, feeling stupid.
"Yeah, again, I'm sorry..."
"Don't, Bucky. Really. It was a pleasure to help you tonight. Your little girl is adorable."
He smiled.
"Yeah, she is."
"Nat, I really really need your help."
Bucky hadn't waited for his friend to even say a word, blurting his sentence in one go ask she answered.
"It's great to hear from you too, James."
Bucky sighed.
"Yeah, yeah. But really, I need your help. Like... Really."
"Is Hayley alright?" Wondered Natasha, sounding suddenly worried.
"What? Oh yeah, she is. I don't need help with Hayley. Well I do, but like all the time. Right now, I need help for something else."
He could feel that he had raised his friend's curiosity. Natasha was just like him: they had both served in the army together, and they both were too stubborn to admit that they needed help when they did. Knowing that Bucky was now asking for hers was quite surprising, to say the least.
"I'm listening"
"Okay" Bucky said, "so you know that I moved in like a few weeks ago only?"
"James, I was the one helping you to get your stuff to the 5th floor... Yes, I know."
"Right, sorry."
"You're babbling."
"I know!"
He sighed, exhausted. Hayley was -for once- sleeping tightly in her room, and for more than twenty minutes at a time. He had jumped on his phone as soon as he was certain that she wouldn't wake up after he'd walk out of the room, and there he was, lying on his couch with his phone pressed tightly against his hear. He was pretty sure that his hair was a mess (what else was new?), he probably had dark circles under his eyes and he was wearing a very old shirt, probably covered in baby puke, and a pair of sweatpants.
"Okay so I went to the doctor with Hayley two weeks ago because she wouldn't stop crying. I know she's crying all the time, but I was afraid that something was wrong, something the other doctors hadn't seen, you know?"
He paused, and when he realized that Natasha was listening but had no interest in responding to his purely rhetorical question, kept going.
"It turned out that it was nothing, of course it was nothing, Hayley is perfect, she just hates me and thinks that I'm a bad parent."
"James" warned Natasha with her cold tone.
"Anyway. So I took the bus to get there, because I was a mess and I didn't feel like driving. And when I came back, I ran into this guy... Well not exactly, he got worried cause I was crying in the bus, but anyway. This very attractive dude just asks me if I'm okay, being all sweet and perfect, and it turns out that he's my next door neighbor and he spends so much time in my house at night when Hayley can't sleep, and I might have a little crush on him" he whispered, fearing to be heard behind the thin walls.
There was a long silence at the other end of the phone, and for a moment, Bucky feared that Natasha might have hung up on him. And finally, she sighed loudly.
"James I don't think I even understood half of what you said, but okay. What the hell is the problem? You have a crush on your neighbor, that you met in weird circumstances, that's fine, enjoy!"
"But I don't think he's gay!" Whined Bucky, hiding his face in his metal hand. "I don't know, I feel like he's just being overly nice and he loves Hayley, that's it!"
"Bucky, if he spends times in your apartment at night, he doesn't just love your kid, alright?! Oh my god, you used to be such a flirt with every damn guy you used to run into, what happened to you?"
Bucky considered his answer for a few minutes. What was the correct answer? He didn't know. The world since Hayley was born was a lot more frightening in every way.
"I don't know... That fucking mission where I lost my arm happened, that thing with Hayley's mom happened and now I'm not just me, I'm me but with a little kid, and I can't..." He sighed, "I can't just flirt with Steve and go on with it, what if Hayley likes him and he runs away? I can't do that to her, not again. She already lost her mother like that, I'm all she has."
"Bucky... your daughter is two months old. Even if Steve is just a flirt, she won't remember him. And stop saying that she hates you, she doesn't. She loves you, it's just really hard for her to cope with all that happened in such a few time. And don't forget, she's a Russian after all, she has a temper!"
Bucky smiled weakly.
"Yeah... But if it lasts, and if Steve runs away in a few years?"
"James, you can't protect her from everything. Things will happen, bad things too, and Hayley will learn what it's like to live. To go through hard things, to enjoy but sometimes be disappointed, you can't keep her away from that. She'll cry, too, more than she already does. One day she'll have her heart broken, and you won't be able to do anything to prevent that."
Bucky felt his chest tightened. He knew he couldn't keep his daughter from being hurt, but knowing that she would eventually go through pain and regret as he did was something he wasn't ready to hear yet. She was two months old, for Christ's sake!
"Now, you can't stop living because you had a child. You are still you, you are still Bucky, my best friend and brother. You can't stop being yourself because you're afraid for your baby. I know it's hard, and I know that I probably don't understand half of it because I don't have children, but you know that I'll always be here for her."
"I know..."
"I'll always be here to remind her that her dad is lame when she'll be a teenager and hates you, too."
Bucky felt himself laugh out loud.
"Thank you, Nat. Really."
"Yeah, don't thank me yet. I'll be the one to give her the free pass for her first tattoo."
"Oh my god. I'm never letting my daughter anywhere near you again."
It was Natasha's turn to laugh.
"Yeah, you wish."
They quickly switched subjects and soon they hung up, Bucky promising his best friend to call her sooner the next time he felt troubled or insecure. He let the phone fall on the couch next to him and closed his eyes for a second... Before being startled awake by the door. He groaned, feeling the urgent need to stay and ignore the person behind the wooden door, but finally got up, and opened it.
"Hey, am I interrupting?" Asked Steve when he saw Bucky's red eyes. "I'm sorry, I should have known that you would be sleeping when I heard no noises..."
As weird as this sentence should be, Bucky actually smiled to him.
"You're such a creepy stalker."
"Shut up you punk!"
"Never, jerk."
He moved a little to let the blond come in, not even bothering to ask why he was here in the middle of the day. He knew that Steve had troubles finding a job, not because of his qualifications but because he seemed to enjoy being around his house and drawing a lot. Every time that Bucky asked him what he was doing, by text or when he was coming over, Steve was always drawing.
"So, you're bored at home, huh?" Bucky finally asked after Steve had made himself comfortable, sitting on the couch like he always did.
"Yeah, I got bored. I was drawing, but then..." He shrugged "well I had no inspiration. And I wanted to give you this."
He actually seemed shy when he holding a piece of paper for him to take. Bucky raised a brow, curious, and took it with precaution.
"What is it?"
"Open it."
Bucky realized that he was holding a big envelope, and started unfolding it slowly. Inside, there was a big piece of paper and he got it out just as slowly.
"It's nothing really, and it's just a stretch, but... I wanted to give it to you."
He actually seemed shy when he holding a piece of paper for him to take. Bucky raised a brow, curious, and took it with precaution.
"It's nothing really, and it's just a stretch, but... I wanted to give it to you."
Bucky turned the piece of paper, discovering the drawing underneath. He opened his mouth when he saw the forms on the paper, creating a perfect drawing of Hayley. He slowly traced the lines of the little girl's face with the tip of his fingers, and finally looked back at Steve.
"Steve... Oh my god, this is perfect."
The blond seemed relieved, and smiled back at him, as gorgeous as ever.
"Really, do you like it?"
"Yeah! Damn Steve, of course I do! Look at it. It's perfect. I'm not kidding, I'm gonna hang it up on the wall in Hayley's room."
Steve's cheeks reddened, and he shook his head lightly.
"You don't have to, you know? It's just a little something, to thank you for everything you've done for me."
Bucky frowned, looking back at him.
"What do you mean done for you? Steve, you're the goddamn Saint that came here almost every day for the past month and helped me with Hayley... You helped me dealing with my new paternity, being all awesome and i'm the one that helped you?"
Steve actually smiled at him, a bright and sincere smile that twisted Bucky's guts in the most pleasant way. He wasn't even a lovesick teenager but he could actully feel the butterflies in his stomach. It hadn't happened in a long time, too long for him to remember when, and he was all dizzy with the thought.
"Bucky... You helped me, you helped me so much, you can't even imagine. Do you really think I was awake because of the two of you all night? Working with SHIELD made me see things I'll probably never forget, things that keep me awake at night. Of course the walls are very thin and I can hear Natalia screaming but I've slept through worst, trust me. Bucky... You and Hayley, you kept me on the road, litteraly. When I moved in last month, it was because I was depressed in DC. I see a psychologist twice a week, I have nightmares that keeps me awake even when I try to nap during the day... You and Hayley, you were the light at the end of the tunel. Don't get me wrong, I never used you and your daughter, I just... I thought that we could all try to get better together instead of dealing with this alone, you know?"
He seemed a little out of breath after his monologue, and looked helplessly at Bucky through his unaturally long eyelids. He bit his lower lip, worried that Bucky would be angry at him for opening his heart to him.
"Steve..." Finally whispered Bucky, coming closer to him. "Why didn't you tell me? For all this time I thought... I thought I was a fool, looking stupid because I couldn't handle myself and my emotions in front of you, in front of anyone really... Why would you hide your feelings?"
"I wasn't hiding anything, Bucky... I just thought you needed a shoulder to cry on, not someone who would cry with you. I'm sorry, I didn't think..."
He shook his head.
"I'm sorry, Bucky. I didn't mean to be mean or anything..."
"You were right." sighed the brunet. "I wouldn't have handled things that well if you had told me you had demons too. But that's very selfish of me, isn't it?"
Steve shook his head, indulgent.
"No, Bucky. If there's one thing I learned during my sessions at the psychologist and with my friend Sam, who works at the VA... It's that sometimes, you have the right to be selfish, too. I was a little selfish, I used you and Hayley as well. We all used each other, at the end. Your little girl used me too... She used me to get close to you. She didn't know you, you were both lost when you moved in here. Spending time with me made you spend more time with her. Haven't you noticed that you're both dealing better with each other than at the beggining?"
Of course he had noticed. Hayley was calmer than before, and she barely even cried anymore. She was waking up at night to be fed, of course, but she wouldn't cry like before. Bucky thought he even saw her smile at him once. (Steve was convinced it was a gas, the traitor).
"I know. And I'll never thank you enough for that" admitted Bucky. "Really. But if you told me all of that... Is that because you're leaving? Or not coming back here anymore?"
Steve laughed a little.
"Why do you always see the negative options, Bucky? Of course not. I'm here because I wanted to. I needed to tell you something."
Bucky frowned his brows.
"Yes?"
He hadn't even noticed that they were so close, he realised that their bodies were almost touching. Steve's eyes went from his eyes to his mouth, and Bucky couldn't help but lick his lips.
"Steve... Are you really gonna make me wait like that?" He teased, smiling softly. "That's not fair. I told you when we were on the train that I was gay."
"I never said I wasn't" soflty said Steve, clearly amused.
"But you never said you were."
"I know."
And with these words, he put his mouth on Bucky's.