Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine. All rights go to Michael Patrick King and Whitney Cummings. I also don't own Death Cab for Cutie.
For: Fishlips
Note: I wrote this back in July.
2 Broke Girls And the Fun With Fire
"Okay, it's been ten minutes. Ready to order, sir?" Max asks going back over to the man for the third time that day.
"Well, this…"
"Come on the only two options, really, are e coli or salmonella. The point is they will all kill you," she says as she taps her foot impatiently.
"What do you recommend?"
"What do I recommend? Don't have sex at a Death Cab for Cutie concert. Also, eat pretty much anywhere else."
"If this job is so bad why don't you just quit?"
"Because," Max explains. "The only other job I can get is prostitution. And I can't wind up in the back of a truck heading to Guatemala again."
Han comes out of his office in his usual sweater and khakis. He walks up to Max who is counting tips near Earl.
"Do you think I'm a fun boss?"
"Fun? No. Fun-sized? Absolutely," she says laced with her signature cheeky grin.
"I can be so fun and I'll prove it."
"That's like Camilla Belle trying to prove she's still relevant."
The boss ignores her dead on observation and continues to speak with confidence.
"From now on we have diner theme nights. Christmas in July anyone?"
"Absolutely not," Max objects. "I don't want to see another one of Santa's elves on a surf board. So you on a surf board."
"Fine, I'll just have to think of something else!"
"Careful Han," the brunette warns. "It's not good to strain your brain when it's not fully developed."
"Grinch," Han declares. He then turns to go back to his office obviously determined to come up with a good idea.
Just as Han departs Caroline walks in with dramatic theater hands to express her happiness. Not that they couldn't already tell considering her big ass grin. Deke soon follows in wearing an equally big grin.
Max goes to sit in Sophie's regular booth to split the tips even though she basically did all the work.
"Hey, Earl," Deke greets going into his pocket and producing a filled up baggie of pot. "Here's you weed. Free of charge."
"I knew I always liked you," Earl smiles, gratefully taking the bag.
Deke goes over to sit across from Max while Caroline begins to talk with the same big grin as before.
"So while I was walking to work, because I'm protesting the use of the subway until Max agrees to buy a car…"
"Don't hold your breath," Max cuts in.
"So regardless I was walking to work when I saw this gorgeous blonde in a store front window but then I realized it was me…"
Earl lets out a long drawn out sigh that catches the upbeat blonde off guard. She subsides for him to speak.
"Is there an end to this story I'm pretty sure no one wanted to hear the beginning of?"
"Earl you are officially my new spirit animal," Max chuckles from the booth.
"Anyway, I realized I'm a financial genius that doesn't need to be surrounded my all this depressing juju. Long story short…"
"Longest short story I ever heard," Deke observes. Max doesn't even try to hold in her laughs as she gives him a playful nod showing proudness.
"I bought us a town house!"
"You did what?" Max exclaims. The smile melts off her face as her shocked state makes her drop all the money on the table which falls off the table seconds later.
"Max, before you get upset…" Caroline tries to coax before getting interrupted once more.
Max gets out of the booth and stalks up to Caroline who has her hands up defensively.
"I am ninety miles past upset. I'm furious and you didn't even talk to me about first!"
"Cause I knew you would never go for it," the taller one explains.
"Damn right."
"Uh, If I could interject," Deke starts off. "Where did the money come from?"
Max accepts this statement and looks over at Caroline crossing her arms. She was clearly steaming and the daggers she was giving her roommate at the moment was enough to kill her, if looks could kill.
Caroline cringes already knowing what's coming next. She opens up her mouth and in one breath she blurts out, "From the cupcake fund. Don't hit me."
While the girls continue to quarrel Han comes back out, proud, with a new idea for a diner theme.
"I think I found a new…"
"You always make these crazy ass irrational decisions that ninety nine percent of the time blow up in our faces!" Max yells completely omitting Han.
The boss backs away getting the feeling right now wasn't the best time.
"I-I just remembered my office is this way. So I'll be…going."
"I think I found a new favorite T.V show," Oleg smiles from the pick-up area.
"That's only because you always turn them bad with your negativity. You under mind my skills. I am trying to push us in a better direction to better our lives!" Caroline refutes.
"That's it," Max says. "I want no part of this. Enjoy your townhouse. Let's go Deke."
"Max…"
But before she has any more to say on the matter Max grabs her coat and Deke – which makes him spill the popcorn he was holding given to him by Oleg – and heads out followed by Caroline.
"Hey everybody!" Sophie enters in her usual over-the-top ensemble. "Did I miss anything?
"Nothing," Earl says right over top of Oleg's, "Everything."
"Good evening all!" Caroline welcomes waltzing into the diner the next day.
"Why are you so chipper this evening?" Earl questions.
Caroline takes a long glance over the diner but doesn't spot Max. Making a dramatic effect anyway she stresses her words. "Because unlike somebody else I know, I am determined to stay positive. Also I'm having a great day. I you want to know…"
"I don't."
"Very well," she shrugs.
Han comes out of the kitchen looking nerdy as usual with a list of ideas gripped by his right hand. He advances straight up to Caroline and unfolds his list.
"Caroline, since Max squashed my Christmas in July idea…"
"I know. Such a negative Nelly, right?"
"What do you think of fishing floats?" he nods with confidence. "Customers each by a root beer float but what they don't know is there's a letter F hidden in one. First customer to find said letter wins a special prize!"
"That is so creative, Han."
"I thought it up last night in the bath tub."
"Yeah, maybe don't tell people that."
Han disappears in the back to tell Oleg about his grand new theme. Sophie shows up in a black and white checked floor length dress with matching hoops. She lets out a large breath before saying, "Caroline! There's bags out in front of the diner for you!"
Max enters with Deke in-toe carrying a bunch of bags in each hand. Deke looks like he's about to pass out as he drops the bags down and goes to lean against the wall. Max pats his back in comfort.
"I'm in such bad shape," Deke exhales. "I need some cake."
"Just though I'd bring them along with my negative energy since I knew you would want to move in right away," Max bites moving the bags Deke dropped to the corner.
"How nice of you," Caroline grinds. "See Earl no bad blood."
"Darling, let's pretend Earl isn't here."
Max lingers by Caroline adding a sigh to each of her words.
"Yeah, since obviously everything I've done for you means nothing and I'm as replaceable as one of your old maids."
"Oleg, it's starting!" Sophie calls from the kitchen.
Oleg drops the hamburger buns and flies out of the kitchen with two chairs for them to sit in. They get comfortable as Oleg produces a bag popcorn to Sophie from behind the chair.
"You may proceed."
"No, Sophie it isn't," Caroline shakes her head. "Cause unlike Max here I have class and refuse to stoop to such Han-like levels."
"Can you believe this, Oleg? My name was mentioned in our favorite show," Han whispers. "Shout out!"
"Oh, you mean like last week when you were fishing out your hair extensions from the drain?" Max recalls.
"I'm not going to just stand here and let you insult me and my hair extensions. Good day," Caroline huffs making her way to the exit.
Oleg strides up behind Max.
"Great episode. Can the next one be on Thursday because Sophie and I have plans tomorrow?"
Max sighs loudly as Deke walks in with churros. "Aw, I missed it didn't I?"
Max throws her hands up angrily while crossing over to go into the kitchen. Sophie nods at Deke's last statement as he sits down on the now vacant chair where Oleg was sitting.
"But that doesn't mean those churros have to go to waste," Sophie gestures.
"And remember to check at the bottom of your floats for today's special letter F," Han announces the next day. Max walks over crossing her arms in her ugly yellow uniform Han made her put on. "See I told you this was a good idea."
"So what is this "prize" they're going to win?" she enquiries.
"A custom bobble head of me."
"But that would just be your normal head."
The insult just roles off of Han's back as they watch the customers dig into the floats trying to find the letter to the claim the prize, however when doing so Max spots Caroline over near her station.
"Hi, can I take your order?" Caroline smiles.
"Yeah, I'll have the chicken…"
"What are you doing?" Max cuts in walking over to the blonde waitress in her section. "That's my station."
"Yeah, I know but they asked for me cause of my hospitality," she leers.
Max smirks back in response before stating, "Then obviously they don't know you."
"I'm super hungry so could you…"
"Funny and who always associates well with people?" Caroline spits interrupting the poor customer yet again.
"You," Max points. "Cause I was always the one doing all the real work."
"Can we please…" the man tries to speak, again.
"Stay out of this!" the pair shout in unison.
"Oh, you mean dumping out your little cupcakes while I just sat back and handled all the finances?"
"You want to see dumping?"
Max reaches for the man's root beer float then proceeds to dump it all over Caroline's nice shirt.
The others watch from the back not wanting to get involved. Han looks at Oleg, Sophie and Deke, smiles and says, "See fun boss, like me, provides live entertainment for customers to enjoy."
"How dare you! This is linen," she screams grabbing the next tables' floats and throwing them both on Max.
"Oh hell no!"
Ciaos springs all around as the customers join in throwing root beer and vanilla ice-cream all over each other. Even the diner staff and Deke join in but that soon ends with the couple – Sophie and Oleg – going in the back to have kitchen sex.
"Hey, look. I found the F!" Deke yells picking the sticky letter off the floor.
"You just won a tinier Han," Max says. She ducks from the flying ice-cream. When she rises back up she continues. "I don't really know how much of a prize that is but congrats."
"Max, are you up?" Caroline whispers.
She knocks lightly on Max's door before letting herself in. Caroline pushes all of Max's clothes off a chair to sit down.
"No."
"Obviously you are cause you answered," Caroline points out.
"No," Max mumbles again.
"I feel bad for the way things went down. I shouldn't have done that. It was wrong to not ask you first. I blew all our money on a greedy decision so I guess I really am Martin Channing's daughter. Did you hear all of that?"
"No," she grins. "I guess I acted stupid too about the whole thing. It's just…never mind. You're forgiven."
"What?" the blonde prides going over to her bed. "Come on tell me. I'm a very easy going person. I won't judge."
"Fine." She sighs. "But if you do your new name is Judy."
Max sits up and moves over for Caroline to climb up on the bed. She clears her throat and pushes Caroline's face over to avoid eye contact afore beginning.
"I know this apartment sucks…"
"Yeah, no kidding. You have mushrooms growing right over there," Caroline cuts in, pointing to the corner.
"But it also got me through some shitty times too. It's been through five boyfriends, two cats, too many drunken raggers, and at least twenty overnight sessions."
"That's actually super sweet," Caroline nods about to tear up. "And I thought you didn't get attached to things."
"I like to be unpredictable."
"You always are," Caroline smiles.
"Damn right."
Total: $0