A/N: Hi there, Taidine here.

I don't own Artemis Fowl. That's fine, because I don't own this story either. It is by my sister and her friend; I edited and post it here with their permission. I take no blame for any bad jokes, but I've giggled while reading it, so I assume at least someone on this website might also enjoy it.

- Taidine

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Artemis et al belong to Eoin Colfer. Katy and Claudia belong to their creators. Staten Island... I guess it belongs to Mike Bloomberg. Sort of. Until the Staten Island Ninja takes over. Or so I hear, while doing my research on the place.

So, let the insanity commence.

"Butler... must I?" Artemis Fowl gazed wistfully up the main street from whence he came. The Fowl Manor's Mercedes sat parked in front of a small suburban abode, abutting the estate of IS61 middle school, Staten Island, NY.

"I apologize, but this is what your parents had in mind."

"Since when have you listened to them and not me?"

"Aren't they my employers?"

He sighed. "In the technical sense of the word, I suppose."

"It's only for a few months... try to meet some new people... your own age," he added

Just then, from deep within the formidable hole which is, in essence, all junior high schools, there came a ringing, much like a dying bear. Artemis winced, and, twitching, looked at the school. A jumble of diverse students erupted from the double doors, screaming and laughing, pushing and jumping about. Out of the cacophony came two prominent voices.

"EVERYWHERE!" one screeched, voice shrill and girly

"Everywhere we go!" sang another, a tad quieter, but just as annoying, as the two broke through the crowd, dancing.

The first continued: "Everything we see is..." then paused for a beat, readying their hands.

"ULTRAVIOLET!" they trilled, together making a flamboyant gesture, and burst into nonstop giggles as they fumbled down the street past him.

Artemis eyed them warily. "How 'bout them?" Butler suggested. Artemis choked, but Butler had already shoved him out, directly into their path.

They stopped, and looked at him. The first had her hand up, mid-peace-sign. She was slight, pale, and short, with medium length, wavy, dark brown hair pulled messily up into a loose side ponytail. Her heart shaped face had rosy pink cheeks from the cold air. Her large, almond shaped green eyes stared, wide in surprise. The second was around three inches taller, slim, with deep chocolate ringlets falling down to frame her face. Her button nose was stuck in the air, and eyes looked up at him, dark as her hair.

"Erm... hello, little child!" said the first girl, oblivious to the fact that he was at least 6 inches taller than her. The second stifled a giggle.

"Good afternoon. I am Artemis Fowl, pleased to make your acquaintance."

They stood dumbly, until Girl No. 2 shook her head.

"Oh, right. I'm Claudia, nice to meet you." She elbowed girl No. 1 in the ribs.

"Oh, er, yes, indeed, I am Katerina, but you may indulge yourself if you would prefer to call me," she put her pinky up, and stepped dangerously close to his grimacing face, "Katy."

Artemis had the idea he was being mocked, and forced a laugh.

Claudia gave a curtsy, playing along. "Would you like a spot of tea, or perhaps a biscuit, or crumpet?"

He opened his mouth to reply, but before he could say "Dear lord," Katy had grabbed his hand, and Claudia was pushing him steadily along the sidewalk.

"You'll just ah-dore the coffee shop." she said, heavy Staten Island accent revealing itself at last.

"Seriously, I go there all the time," added Claudia, in a fake preppy voice.

Katy glanced quickly at her, then, letting go of Artemis' hand, began turning swift pirouettes down the sidewalk, squealing, "Stop mocking me, stop mocking me!!" repeatedly. Artemis couldn't help but admire the grace and ease with which she spun.

Claudia laughed, and continued to savagely rip apart the poor boys dignity by pushing him down Forest Ave. The pair led him past a pizza place, a barbershop, and a drycleaners, until Katy halted the caboose, and announced: "We're here!"

Artemis soon found the "coffee shop" to be a warm place, cozy to the point of Granny Smith, maybe even better than the high society rich kid coffee shops in Ireland he frequented. Katy and Claudia seemed right at home, conversing with the cashier, but mostly chattering excitedly about inside jokes he knew nothing about. Slightly annoyed, he cleared his throat. "Ahem..."

They turned to him slowly, and simultaneously, daggers in green and brown eyes. "May we help you, Mr. Fowl?" Claudia said, air quoting the name "Fowl".

"Sorry... I just thought that I may comment on what you were discussing. I find that in my experience, normally horses named Charlie--"

"It's a unicorn! Get it right," giggled Katy.

"Bye the by, were do you live?" asked Claudia, spooning a mouthful of steamed milk.

"Bye, the bisexual hippopotamus lives in the sea next to the octopus and those four guys on the Disney Channel... I think they're called The Wiggles," said Katy, unnervingly quick.

"Well, actually," muttered Artemis eyeing Katy skeptically, "Actually I lived in Ireland, but now I'm being forced to live here on this despicable island. Did you know it sinks an inch every year?"

"Only an inch?" Claudia scoffed.

"Oh, and did you know that our dump is one of the only man-made things that can be seen from outer space, right with the Great Wall of China?" Katy informed him.

"And-" Artemis began, being cut off by Claudia before a statistics argument began.

"There's your grandma Katy, I guess you gotta' go."

"Okay, bye," sighed Katy, standing up and smoothing her green tutu.

She turned on her big green knit boots, and strode out the jingling coffee shop door. The trio-now-duo watched as the blue Gallant rolled down Forest Av.

"Shi--oo--iznaz... I forgot, I don't have a ride..." Claudia surveyed the bottom of her paper cup like she was interested.

Artemis' blue eyes rolled around in his skull, up to the ceiling and down to look annoyed at Claudia. "Would you like a ride?" he asked through gritted teeth.

She grinned sheepishly. "I saw the car you came in... Of course I want a ride!" He chuckled.

"C'mon," he beckoned her out the door. As she tossed her cup, and hoisted her corset, a strange man appeared from behind a newspaper, and followed them inconspicuously out into the cold.

"So Artemis," he said. Claudia whirled around, beret askew,

"That Artemis?" she jabbed her thumb in his direction.

"Yes, Butler, let me introduce Claudia..." Butler smiled crookedly and Claudia lifted the sides of her plaid mini-skirt in a mock curtsy. "Claudia this is Butler, he's my... butler."

Butler held open the door, and she hopped in, instantly finding the buttons and mini-fridge. Artemis slid in beside her, but far as he could, sort of staring out the window as Claudia opened a root beer that had been shaking for a while (making sure to point it away from herself). Butler sighed as it filled the backseat with 2-year-old foam.

"Nice," said the duo-now-trio.