I have no right to these characters, and Prof. Tolkien is probably turning in his grave.
Many thanks to Lhaewin and PrincessFaz for their contributions to this piece of nonsense.
So here you have it, the undiluted truth about the perfect Faramir:
DENETHOR'S DIARY: Extracts which will blow the lid on the REAL reason for the poor relationship between the Steward of Gondor, and his youngest son.
Orithil 20th Lothron: My birthday. Boromir bought me this journal. He is a wonderful and thoughtful child. Dead toad from Faramir, who believes it to be a very special present, as he killed it with his bow. He is usually averse to killing living creatures so I don't know whether to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he considers it special, or to disbelieve his story about killing it. Using it as a door stop.
Ormenel 24th Lothron: Late birthday card from Saruman of Orthanc. Postal service getting even worse as postmen refuse to walk up to the 7th level.
Boromir demonstrated his fencing skills to me today – he is quick to learn and has a natural talent. Faramir spent day reading – I despair of that boy.
Orbelain 23rd Lothron: Now know what Faramir was reading – "Fireworks for Beginners". Must have word with Mithrandir. Hole in 5th level wall will take days to repair.Orgilion 25th Lothron: Getting a cold. Nose red. Unable to anunciate properly. Boromir bought me a flagon of ale. Such a considerate boy. Faramir made me an elvish remedy – smells like dog droppings, and tastes suspiciously similar. Not that I have ever tried them. However, I believe the elves are remarkable healers.
Oranor 26th Lothron: Was asked today if Faramir caught his dog, as apparently was seen chasing one around the levels of Minas Tirith.
Have dodgy stomach now as well.
Orgaladh 28th Lothron: Cold much better, but unfortunately this means I can now smell dead toad, so had it incinerated. Told Faramir his dog ran off with it. He looked at me with much suspicion, as I did him.
Orbelain 30th Lothron: Hosting dinner tonight for members of Gondor nobility. May find suitable match for Boromir. He's 17 now, and should either be thinking of marriage or war. Should he take a wife he may achieve both at the same time. I must remember to tell that one at the next council meeting as it's often said I have no sense of humour.
Will give Faramir a tray and let him eat in his room. I'll say he caught my cold...not repeating mistake of last dinner when I thought a child's presence might charm the women, and thereby their husbands also. They were indeed captivated by well-mannered and wide-eyed innocent who told them what a great man his Daddy was for helping those less fortunate, and not letting the stigma of skin disease and boils prevent them from serving Gondor in the Citadel kitchens......the stray dogs of Minas Tirith ate well that night, and it was some time before I learned the reason, as the scheming child swore them all to secrecy, claiming my modesty would not welcome or enjoy praise.
Orgilion 1st Norui: Hoped that Boromir might take an interest in 16 year old daughter of Prince Haldred of the northern provinces. Unfortunately, not only is she overweight with buck teeth, but she told her father she wants to wait five years or so for Faramir! She was captivated by him when he appeared at dinner to wish a dutiful and polite goodnight to his father and brother. He behaved admirably as always in public, but no-one else can read his thoughts as I, and the angelic smile merely masks his desire to plot yet more mischief.
Apparently the Princess Merawen sees "much potential" in my son's lower lip, whatever that means. I also have designs on said lip, and could well make it even fuller than it is already. I might just have a word with Haldred, and betroth Faramir to his daughter...they say revenge is a dish best served cold.
No-one ever blames Faramir! He will just look at them with big, soulful eyes, and throw in a lip tremble for good measure, and everyone - especially Boromir - rushes to cosset him, or to defend and protect him from his evil father. I swear that boy will one day cause me to spontaneously combust, or to throw myself off the 7th level.
Ormenel 5th Norui: There is something strange afoot. I used the Seeing Stone, or at least, attempted to, but I saw nothing, just blackness. Maybe it is a sign of the times ahead. Very worrying. I fear for my sons, even the devil that is Faramir.
Oraearon 7th Norui: Still nothing in the Palantir. I'm sure it must be a sign – an ill-omen – a portent of doom. I sense that the world will soon be covered in darkness.
Orgilion 8th Norui: Confiscated tin of black paint from Faramir. Also changed locks of door to the White Tower.
Oritihil 10th Norui: Tomorrow have to meet delegation of dignitaries from Dale. Would it be considered cruel to lock Faramir in his room?
Ormenel 12th Norui: My first instincts did not betray me – I should have heeded them. My dear child reached the delegation before I, and told them they were to meet me in a tavern. He didn't even have the decency to suggest a respectable one, but the most filthy and depraved in Minas Tirith, and told them I recommended it because I wanted them to feel at home. Half of them returned to Dale insulted, and the other half have not yet been found. Neither have several serving wenches.
Now I have to go personally to correct the situation – and I won't be going alone. (Why does that strike a chord?)
Orbelain 20th Norui: (In Dale) Very touching farewell scene in the stables between Faramir and Boromir before we left for Dale. I had that déjà vu feeling again – I think I've seen something similar in the Palantir. Boromir gave Faramir pipeweed for the journey....I wasn't even aware that Faramir smoked pipeweed, but I suppose there's no harm in it. Very pungent pipeweed it has to be said – a most unusual aroma, which I couldn't help inhaling, being in such close proximity to the boy. After a while I felt much more relaxed than of late, and it was a pleasant trip. Faramir and I sang tavern songs to pass the time, and I must say he could teach me a few. I possibly should have a word with my eldest about that. As the journey progressed I began to feel very relaxed. Faramir did also – I need to spend more time around young people, so that I might understand expressions such as "Hey maaaannn", and "Chill". It was an uneventful journey, apart from coming across a small band of orcs, who were soon despatched with. Faramir stuck his head out of the carriage window, and holding his palm outward with index and third finger raised, kept saying "Peace". The innocence of youth......
I wonder why I have such a headache – it could only have been the pipeweed. I will have to ask Boromir exactly what it was....
Orgeladh 14th Cerveth: Two weeks have now passed since I returned from Dale. I tried to arrange for Faramir to remain there on a student exchange, but no-one wanted him. I suppose I should be grateful as at least that proved they believed my explanation about the Tavern fiasco. Indeed they seemed quite amused. Maybe I will laugh one day......
Oraearon 17th Cerveth: I'm told by Faramir's tutor that the boy is exceptionally gifted in the art of recreating images with charcoal and paint. It has been suggested that my son is craving my attention, and this is responsible for his errant behaviour. With this in mind, I asked him to paint me a picture, which seemed to delight him. I feel much more optimistic about our relationship now. Maybe he isn't such a bad boy.
Ormenel 18th Cerveth: I fear I am not long for this world.
I had to summon the physician this morning, as my heart came perilously close to stopping. When I looked into the mirror in my bedchamber, whilst still not fully wakened, I came face to face with a hideous orc. In my semi-somnolent - but seriously shocked - state, I called the guards, only to find that the face of the orc was in fact, a very realistic sketch, attached to the bottom of which was a handwritten note, "To my Daddy, Love Faramir".
He appeared soon after the guards (suspicious in itself), and was very tearful and contrite, and indeed, seemed most concerned over the shock his painting had caused me, but I swear to Eru that I saw him suppress a smile when he thought I wasn't looking. I tried to catch him out several times, by turning towards him when he wasn't expecting it, but he was one step ahead of me (as usual) and signs of amusement, which I may or may not, have imagined, were quickly hidden.
To add insult to injury, Boromir rushed to my chamber when he heard what had happened, and as I lay back against my pillows still feeling decidedly shaken, I proferred my hand weakly, for my eldest to kiss the ring upon it, only for him to ignore me, and throw his arms tightly around Faramir, saying "Don't be upset Fara...it wasn't your fault. You meant well." And then Ioreth whisked the little angel off to the kitchens for some treat or other because of his "distress".
Orgilion 21st Cerveth: It's too quiet. Faramir is dutifully studying archery and swordplay, as well as having his nose in a book as usual, learning about plants and herbs – those that kill and those that cure, and those that can do a distinct amount of damage. He's been the model child of late - I think he might be ill. But no matter, I will make the most of it, for I have to finish my speech for the annual council of all Lords of Gondor tomorrow and I don't want any distractions.
Oranor 22nd Cerveth: Oh, Eru, what have I done to deserve this. The council meeting was going well, and we adjourned to partake of ale, and to speak together less formally. When we sat down again, spirits were good and I sensed that we would reach agreement on the subjects that warranted our more urgent attention. Well, I started to speak but developed a griping pain in my stomach that demanded I leave immediately before a disaster happened. On arrival at the privy block, I was nearly knocked over by Lord Forlong, who was obviously suffering with the same ailment –and when I heard more of the councillors coming, I made a dash to one of the privies, at the same time making a mental note to order the installation of a few more. In normal circumstances four should have been ample, but something told me these were not normal circumstances........
The queue outside was obviously getting longer, and I was most relieved (in more ways than one) that I had taken steps to ensure privacy and had curtains hung around each chair – though I certainly did not expect that I would be interrupted during such a personal moment with anguished cries of "Denethor – are you going to be long in there...."
The meeting was unable to continue as half of the councillors ended up in the Houses of Healing, and the other half thought it wise to journey home. Later it struck me that those who needed the attention of the healers, where those who had drunk the most ale. When I asked the kitchen-master if it was possible the ale was of poor quality, or had over-fermented, he said there had been no other complaints. He also asked me to thank Faramir, who had been most helpful in the kitchen that day, and how impressed all the kitchen staff were that the son of the Steward would do such menial tasks as washing the tankards – and preparing the ale...........
Memo to self: Must raise the wages of the privy attendants.
Ormenel 25th Cerveth: He has gone too far this time. Too far! Awoke this morning to the sound of trumpets and the thunder of hooves, and found the army of Rohan on the Pelennor.
Upon investigation, it transpired that my son (Faramir in case I need mention) had taken ale in the middle of the night one week ago, to the guards of the beacon, which made them somewhat lightheaded, and he "volunteered" to do their watch whilst they slept off the effects. He then proceeded to light the beacon, dowse it as soon as he saw the next one ignite, and then replace the fuel! His guile and cunning seem to know no boundaries.
Our economy is already at breaking point as it is, and having to feed 5000 Rohirrim and their horses is not going to help. Boromir suggested we clean up after the horses and sell the produce to farmers and gardeners. I get the distinct feeling he was amused. I was sorely tempted to give the job of clearing the Pelennor to Faramir alone, but have been even more tempted by the offer of Theodred, son of Theoden, to take him back to Rohan, where apparently they have an excellent academy for "special children".
My first impulse was to pack him off to Mordor, where his kind flourish, but what has Sauron done to deserve that. I will accept Theodred's offer.
Oraearon 27th Cerveth: Well Faramir has gone and Boromir is no longer speaking to me. I tried to explain that it won't be forever. Just until I am dead. The people of Rohan are stern, but fair-minded. He will come to no harm, though I can't say the same about them. Who knows, there may be someone in Rohan who might one day tame him.
A/N: I've probably made mistakes with the Gondor Calendar, but please overlook.