Disclaimer: I own nothing of either.
Wen Trev gave me another prompt with another particularly sad song ("Life After You" by Daughtry, to be specific)….and I'm going for the jugular with it. CeeCee333 gives me grief for all the angst, but alas, it is my nature. Hope it's alright!
Note: This one is very HEAVY on flashbacks, and they are interweaved with the present. Any section of italics is a flashback. I hope it's not confusing.
Cold winds blew down from the north and rustled Penelope's hair as she put the gas pump back after filling up her tank. The air was unnaturally crisp for Virginia in early October. Pink and orange painted the evening sky above her, but a sight that used to make her smile didn't faze her anymore.
Nothing really did.
She went around to the front of her car and got back in, starting it up again to drive down the road. She was still a hundred miles away from where she needed to be, and she wouldn't get there until the sun went down. And even when she arrived, would she have the courage to do what she'd returned to Quantico to do?
As she drove, pushing on the gas harder so she was going fifteen miles above the speed limit, her mind wandered. A year later and she was coming back. Her tears had dried up like a well in a California drought. They were spent and used. She was returning with what she hoped to be dry cheeks and a clear path. Deep down, though, she knew it would never be enough. Her abrupt departure was unforgivable. She'd hurt everyone she loved.
JJ, Hotch, Prentiss, Rossi, Reid.
Most of all, though, Derek.
She couldn't imagine him wanting to see her at all after what she'd done. Dumping her cell phone, dropping off the face of the earth, not giving anyone a way to find her so she could be alone. It was selfish, there was no denying that. She never realized it until recently. Her heart had been ripped from her chest, though. Torn and shredded until there was nothing left.
It ruined her, possibly for the rest of her life.
As she drove, her memories began flooding her brain. Memories from a time that was happy.
"It's perfect!" Penelope cried, turning in circles and clapping her hands together in excitement. "Seriously, Baby Boy. I don't know how you do it, but you nailed this one." She turned to look at Derek and grinned.
He smiled and wrapped his arms around her waist, enveloping her in an embrace. "Glad you like it," he murmured, tweaking her nose. "Reid helped me with the fish on the walls, but holy shit if I have to hear him talk about talk about the swimming patterns of North Atlantic…." He paused to try and remember which species of fish he'd been lectured on. "Well, whatever it was Reid was giving me shit about."
Kissing him, she giggled. "You, sir, have successfully painted the best nursery fish I've ever seen," she declared.
The sun was completely down by the time Penelope reached the streets that were once so familiar to her. She saw the coffee shop she once bought her morning drinks from every day before work from closing down for the evening, the chairs on top of the tables and people wiping down counters to clean before turning the lights off. Did the barista, Carly, who knew her by name, still work there?
Probably not. It was a thousand years ago when she went there.
Her heart ached in her ribs, a slow and sharp pang that was milking the last bit of blood she had left there. The heartache that had been dulled down for the last year was starting to come back, and soon she knew it would be back in full force. Her eyes flicked down the streets and soon a light dusting of snow was falling from the sky.
Snow in October. How fitting for her return.
Fists clenching around the steering wheel, she fought against the onslaught of memories that threatened to consume her as she drove through the familiar streets of her former home. Every street corner, every road sign, every landmark brought back something that encouraged a refreshed sense of agony.
"C'mon, buddy!" Penelope cooed happily, clapping her hands together. She smiled a wide grin at her son as he was crawling in the grass towards her. "You can get up and walk! You can do it!"
Derek chuckled. "Words won't make him get up and walk, Baby Girl," he laughed.
She shot her eyes upward at her husband and stuck out her tongue. "He'll walk. I know he will."
Settling down next to her on the grass, Derek kissed the side of her head and nodded. "No harm in trying, I guess," he said. He settled his hand and on her back and rubbed between her shoulder blades.
Penelope continued to coo to her son to get him to stand on his feet and come to her. He made small gurgles and pushed himself to his feet, swaying on his feet. Looking at Penelope with wide eyes and his little tongue poking out of his mouth, he began to toddle forward towards his parents. "Oh, that's my big boy!" Penelope cried with glee as he tumbled the last few steps into her lap, giggling as she tickled him.
Wiping the silent tears from her eyes, Penelope pulled her car to a halt in front of her former home. The same tree with the tire swing was stone still in the front yard, and the lights were shining from the windows. Her heart was beating like a rabbit's in her chest, pounding so hard she felt like it might physically burst out of her body. Shutting off the car, she stared at the house, wondering how she was going to go in there and face her past.
Courage was failing her, but she pushed her way out of the car before it could swallow her whole. Shutting the door, she shoved her hands in her pockets and blinked away any tears she felt burning at the back of her eyes.
I can do this, she told herself over and over.
She reached the door and raised her fist to knock. Wood met her knuckles and the deafening sound of her knocking filled her ears. It went by in slow motion, and she forced herself to swallow past the lump in her throat. She could do this.
She could do this.
The door opened and she held her breath, but instead of someone she knew, a stranger appeared. It was a brunette woman, slightly younger than Penelope herself. She had a mug with tea in it, and she cocked her head to the side, a confused smile on her face.
"Hello," she said. "Can I help you?"
Penelope couldn't stop her first reaction: shock. Her mouth trembled, but she couldn't yet find her voice. When she squeezed past the lump in her throat, she blurted, "How - how long have you lived here?"
"Excuse me?" the woman asked. She wasn't angry or offended, just confused.
Swallowing again, Penelope rephrased her words. "I mean, this house, did you buy it recently from a man named Derek Morgan?"
The woman nodded, studying Penelope carefully. "Yes," she said. "I did." Her eyes widened and a smile covered her face. "Oh, I know you! Well, what I mean to say is I've seen you before. When I bought this house actually. You were all over it in pictures. You and a little boy."
Penelope froze, tears welling up in her eyes immediately. Her throat grew tight and she averted her eyes from the other woman's. "I — do you know where Derek is? Any forwarded mail, or…" Her voice trailed off.
The woman shook her head. "I'm sorry, I don't know where he went," she said. "I was to understand you and your son were meeting him at —"
"No," she said with a sharp voice. "That's not the case. I - I just have to find him…"
She turned to go, but was stopped by the woman. "I don't know what happened to you, but whatever it is…I'm sorry."
Finally, emotions began to surface. Penelope choked on a sob and bent her head to hide her face. Wiping her face, she looked up at the woman living in her house and nodded. Without another word, she started back for her car.
There were others who might know where Derek might be.
Half an hour later, she arrived at another house, this time, one belonging to someone else dear to her. She wasn't sure if she could do this either. Knocking on the door, she heard swift footfalls before it creaked open.
The man who answered looked at her with sleepy eyes, but once recognition lit them up, they became wide.
"Penelope?" Will breathed in fascination.
She nodded, no smile gracing her face. "Will," she said in greeting. "I —"
Before she could continue, he pulled her into a bear hug. She didn't hug back, but when he moved away, he sputtered, "Where have you been? We looked for you, all of us!"
"I need to see JJ," she said. Her voice was hoarse and scratchy, not coming out completely clear. He was going to say more, but she shook her head. "Now, Will. It's important."
Nodding, he opened the door wider and invited her in. She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for JJ to appear. It was late at night, something she was thankful for. She didn't know if she would be able to see Henry at a time like this. When JJ did appear in the doorway, she stopped and stared at Penelope for a long moment.
Penelope nodded to her. "Hi, Jayje."
JJ strode into the room so she could see Penelope more clearly. Her hair was shorter now, but as far as Penelope could tell, that was the only thing that was different about her friend. Tears were floating on the surface of her blue eyes. "Penelope?" she gasped. JJ reached out and grasped her by the shoulders, looking at her carefully before pulling her into her arms in a crushing embrace.
"Yeah, it's me," she whispered. This time Penelope responded by wrapping her arms around her friend and hugging her back. She inhaled the familiar scent of her best friend and sighed.
When JJ released Penelope, she wiped her moist eyes and shook her head. "Wh - where have you been?" she asked.
Penelope shook her head. "That's not important," she mumbled. "I need to —"
"Yes, it is important, Penelope!" she cried in anger. "You completely disappeared. You went off the grid, you left everyone!"
Biting her lip, she shook her head. "I know. I know what I did was wrong, and I should have called to let you know where I was, but…" Her voice trailed off.
"It's not me you should have called," JJ murmured. She stared evenly at Penelope, her eyes holding her gaze in an iron grip. "You should have called Derek."
Silence clenched itself around Penelope's tongue and kept her from speaking. Her mind drifted to Derek and lingered there. She knew everything JJ was saying was true, every last word. The only thing she was unsure of was if she had the courage to face everything.
"I lost myself, JJ," she whispered. Her voice was scratchy. "I lost…everything."
JJ took her hands. "You do still have something — someone — left."
Sniffling, Penelope nodded. "I know that," she said. "It's why I'm back. I want…I can't…" She froze. Her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to banish her tears away. Much to her chagrin, a few slipped out. "I need him, JJ."
"You already tried to find him, didn't you?"
Nodding, Penelope wiped her face. "He was gone," she said. "The woman who owns the house now said he left."
"She's right. He's got an apartment now. I've never been there, none of us have," she explained. Her face fell before she continued. "But Penelope…you need to know something."
Penelope paled. "What? What could possibly worse than what already happened to us?"
"He's…different. What happened, you leaving and…" Tears filled JJ's own eyes then, and she couldn't finish the sentence; it was too painful for even her. "He's broken, Penelope. He comes into work, but he's just empty. You won't recognize him. You may not even know him. None of us do."
"I will," Penelope declared. "I'll always know him."
XXXXX
Armed with the address JJ gave her, Penelope sat in her car in front of the downtrodden apartment building her husband was living in. If he could even be in a state that was considered living. From everything JJ told her, it sounded as if he was merely surviving rather than living a life.
Then again, she knew precisely how he felt. Life after Derek for her had been nothing but a half-life.
Tears filled her eyes once more, and she sobbed once. Another assault of memories ripped through her like wildfire.
Derek and Penelope stood in the stark white hall of Mercy General Hospital. Twiddling with her necklace, she gazed through the glass window as a nurse used a syringe to draw blood from her son's arm. He was asleep, but the sight of him being poked and prodded with needles scared her to death. Penelope's nerves were frazzled, and she twitched even as Derek put his hands on her shoulders and massaged them gently.
"Do we have any news yet?" she whispered.
Before her husband could respond, another voice spoke. "Mr. and Mrs. Morgan?"
They turned face the doctor and she bore a sympathetic expression on her face. Penelope grasped Derek's hand and stared at her son's doctor.
"Dr. Young?" Derek asked. Desperation covered his face and he held his wife's hand just as tightly. "What is it?"
"Would you come with me?" She gestured down the hall. "This is something to be described in private."
Penelope stood her ground, and her face turned hard. "No," she said through gritted teeth. "Tell us here. Now."
Dr. Young sighed, unsure. She continued regardless. "We told you in the beginning that leukemia was going to be rough to treat," she explained. "And with such a vicious and insidious strain that your son has would be even more difficult to work on. I'm sorry to tell you this, but even after everything we've done, there's nothing more I can do." Her expression softened even more. "All we can do is make him more comfortable. And based on everything we've found, that will only be another couple of days."
Nothing could have contained Penelope's thick sobs of despair as she collapsed into Derek's trembling arms.
"I can do this," she repeated to herself. She got out of the car, her steps hesitant and careful as a dancer's. Life without Derek really was torture, but she was so unsure of seeing him again that maybe she would have to wallow her misery. Would he say something? Would he slam the door in her face?
It didn't matter, she supposed. Even a glimpse of him would be enough.
As she walked into the dilapidated building and up the narrow stairwell to his floor, she forced her courage to bubble up like through a fountain. She needed to see him. It was burning through her veins. She stopped in front of the door to 316 and knocked twice.
The sound of heavy footfalls on the other side gave her shivers. She began to falter all of the sudden. If she turned around now and ran, maybe she could make it around the corner before —
No more thoughts went through her head; the door opened and she froze, rooted to the spot.
The sight in front of her was more shocking than anything JJ could have described to her. Derek stood in the doorway to his apartment, but had she not been looking closely she might not have recognized him. Instead of his usually trimmed goatee he was sporting thick scruff that looked like he hadn't shaved in at least a month. His once bright and lively dark eyes lacked their former twinkle of amusement. All semblance of things that made him Derek were gone, scattered to the wind.
All that remained was a strange, empty shell of who he once was. It took all Penelope had in her to not burst into crippling sobs.
Her presence had thrown him off balance, and he blinked several times. Tears flooded his eyes and he stepped forward into the light of the hallway to see her better. Their eyes held the other's gaze. Neither of them said a word for several long minutes. Time dragged by for what felt like a millennia.
Finally he made a movement after being stone still. He lifted his arm and his fingers, hard and callused, brushed against her cheekbone in a feather light gesture. It was as if he were inspecting her to make sure she was real. She didn't move an inch.
"Derek…" she croaked.
She didn't get a chance to finish before he was grabbing her in an iron grip and yanking her into his arms. He held her to his chest, giving her no room to move. Only then did she break down completely, wrenching sobs escaping her throat as her tears stained his shirt. Atop her head, she felt wetness, like small drops of rain were dotting her scalp.
Tears of his own.
"I'm sorry," she wept over and over again. "I'm so, so sorry!"
He shook his head. "Shh," he whispered, kissing the top of her head.
"I was so wrong," she whimpered. "I never should have left. Everything just got out of control, and I —"
"You're back now," he murmured. "That's all I care about." He released her from his iron grip before pulling back to look at her. Both their faces were stained with tears and he cupped her face with both hands. "I was so worried about you. You just…disappeared."
She bit her lip to keep from sobbing again. "After Alex died, I…" Sucking in a deep breath, she forced herself to remain calm. It had been so long since she had spoken her son's name, and the words felt strange and foreign on her tongue. "I didn't know how to keep going. So I ran. I didn't even think about how that would hurt you or anyone else, and I'll never forgive myself for it."
Shaking his head, Derek pulled her against his chest once more and enveloped her snuggly in his arms. "I love you, and that's all that matters."
"What I did though —" Penelope began to protest.
"Can wait," he finished, firm in his words. "Right now all I want to do is hold you and never let you go."
She choked on another cry before wrapping her arms around his broad, familiar shoulders and inhaled the smell of him she knew so well. "I'm never leaving again," she whispered, her voice and nerves raw and exposed.
"No matter what?" he asked, tilting her chin up.
Nodding, she leaned up and placed a tender kiss on her lips. "No matter what. Because for me, there's no life after you."