"Good afternoon, Detective Williams. Please come in and have a seat," Doctor Kalani said and led Danny into his office.
Danny gnawed at his lower lip. He was a bit nervous and also concerned. The doctor opened the patient's file on his computer desktop. He scrolled back and forth, uttered some unidentifiable noises before he pushed the enter button to print three sheets.
Kalani took the papers in his hands and studied them for, what seemed, a few endless minutes.
Danny winced when the doctor rose to speak, "Well, what can I say, Detective Williams? Other than a higher than normal cholesterol level, which you can easily get under control with eating healthier food, the results of your blood test look good."
The blond detective cleared his throat. "What about the radiation thing we've checked?" His voice sounded raspy.
The doctor took another look at page three and shook his head. "Everything is within the usual parameters."
"But … but I was exposed to the core of this dirty bomb like my partner Steve McGarrett," Danny insisted.
Again, Kalani shook his head, "Nope. You're fine. Why are you so worried?"
"Look, Steve is, uh, is suffering radiation poisoning, and I don't know how … He won't tell me the whole truth … I guess. He told me that he has these spells and that his doctor gave him some meds and he should be okay, for now. And the thing with the long-term effects … that's going to be years from …" Danny stopped because tears stung in his eyes.
"Without knowing anything about the grade of poisoning he's been diagnosed with, I could only guess and, I'm sorry, Danny, but that's not what a doctor should do.
All I can tell you is that there are drugs available that increase white blood cell production to counter any damage that may have occurred to the bone marrow, and to reduce the risk of further infections due to immune system damage. There are also specific drugs that can help to reduce the exposure of internal organs caused by radioactive material by speeding up its removal from the body.
Cancer is the most significant long-term risk. Usually, when the body's cells reach their "sell-by date," they commit suicide. Cancer results when cells lose this ability, and effectively become immortal, continuing to divide and divide in an uncontrolled fashion. The body has various processes for ensuring that cells do not become cancerous, and for replacing damaged tissue. But the damage caused by exposure to radiation can completely disrupt these control processes, raising the risk of cancer.
Failure to properly repair the damage caused by radiation can also result in changes - or mutations - to the body's genetic material, DNA, which is not only associated with cancer but may also be potentially passed down to offspring, leading to deformities in future generations."
Danny let Kalani's words sink in. At least, Steve could choose which way he wanted to go out. He could eat a bullet or die a slow death by cancer a few years from now.
Danny swallowed hard, darted out his tongue to moisten his dry lips, and ran his fingers through his hair. He averted Kalani's gaze by looking at the ceiling and huffing out a breath. He hoped the tears wouldn't start to fall as long as he wasn't sitting in his car. With the back of his hand, Danny wiped away the single tear that was about to steel itself from the corner of his eye.
He sharply exhaled as he stood and extended his hand to his doctor, "Thank you. I appreciate your honesty and…the explanations you gave me."
Kalani took Danny's hand, "You're welcome, Detective Williams. In case your partner wants a second opinion, he can make an appointment with me at any time."
Five minutes later, Danny sat behind the wheel. His hands were in a ten o'clock position, and his head rested on the wheel. Since Steve had told him about the radiation poisoning, Danny's emotions had been on a gigantic roller coaster ride. He was glad that they were working a new case already. The mascot of a College Football team, a furry abomination of a raccoon, had been killed. Furry raccoon wasn't only a mascot. It turned out that the guy in the costume was also a local drug dealer. Yes, someone had a motive for redecorating the locker room with spatters of blood and brain matter of said mascot. Meanwhile, the list of the suspects grew bigger each day.
Danny sat up, put his head on the headrest, and closed his eyes. He felt totally worn out. Steve hadn't been in the office for two days. Their brief phone conversations had been work-related. Danny had brought Steve up to speed on their new case. Not a single word had been lost about the talk they had had at the shrimp truck. For Danny, the whole thing felt like an unfinished symphony. Steve had done most of the talking while he just stood there and listened.
"BFF's forever, remember?" The words still echoed in his head. There had been so much more he'd wanted to tell Steve. But with the whole gang around, he felt that this had not been the time or place. As far as Danny knew, Junior was away with Eddie for the next few days. That meant Steve would be alone. Danny glanced at his watch. FUCK, he'd almost forgotten to pick up Rachel and the kids. They were flying to London to visit Rachel's family. He fired up the engine and left the parking lot with squealing tires.
"Why am I not surprised that you are late," Rachel said disappointedly when he finally climbed out of the car in front of her house. "Fifteen minutes! I mean, honestly, Daniel, you could've called. What happened?"
The kids came running at him before he could answer. "Hi, Danno!" They fell around his neck like they hadn't seen him in ages.
"Daddy, why can't I stay with you? I don't want to go to London," Gracie whispered in his ear.
"It's your grandma's birthday. Mom is already pissed I can't go with you because of the case we're working on. But hey, we can Skype anytime." He kissed her on her cheek.
"What are the two of you whispering about?" Rachel wanted to know. "Nothing," Gracie answered with a fake grin on her face.
"Teenagers," her mother sighed. "Come on children, let's get moving. Gracie, do you have your passport with you and the boarding pass?"
"Yes, mom. It's not like this is my first trip to Britain."
Danny helped Rachel with the luggage. "Are you going for a few weeks or a few years, Rach?" he quipped when he put the suitcases and bags into the trunk of his car.
Danny pulled Rachel aside as Grace finagled her baby brother into the backseat before following him into the vehicle. "Look, I'm sorry you had to wait, I'm sorry I was late, but I had a doctor's appointment…"
Rachel gave him a worried look, "You were at the doctor? Is something wrong with you? Are you okay?"
Danny tried to keep his voice low, "I'm fine, Rachel."
"I'm canceling the flight if something is wrong with you. I don't want to leave you alone if …"
"Seriously, I swear, I'm okay. The cholesterol could be a bit lower, anything else is …"
"Is it because of what Steve found out recently about the radiation poisoning? Are you hiding something from me, Daniel? Do you have it, too?" Rachel could be annoying at times, and Danny wished he would have kept his mouth shut.
"No, I'm okay. I don't hide anything from you or the kids. I was just trying to-. You know what, forget it, let's just go."
The two got into the car under a cloud of tension, and Danny had to fight for each calming breath he took. He hadn't wanted to make Rachel panic over nothing, just keep her from biting his head off again for being late. Charlie couldn't stop giggling all the way to the airport, which kind of brought a small grin to his father's face.
"At least one of us is happy to visit grandma," Gracie muttered. Danny merely rolled his eyes and focused on the drive.
Because Rachel refused to fly anything less than business class, especially with the kids, check-in went smoothly. After he'd waved them goodbye at the security line, Danny actually stayed at the airport for about 20 more minutes. He lounged in the main concourse with a cup of coffee in hand, watching planes take off for and land from destinations unknown. He was usually sad when the kids were dragged off the island for whatever reason Rachel could come up with, valid or not, but this time it seemed to hurt him even more. He would go as far as to say he felt lost. What should he do with his spare time? Watch another game of college football and order pizza or Chinese takeout that he would swallow down with a six-pack of Heineken? That sounds promising, he thought sarcastically before finally making his way out of the busy Honolulu Airport.
Danny drove to his favorite overlook, where he sat on the white wall and stared at the ocean like he would find all the answers there if he kept staring long enough at the waves. Yes, his job had led him to paradise. Yes, he hated working in paradise, but he'd gotten used to it eventually. There it was again, the nagging voice in his head that followed him wherever he went and that loved to spoil all the fun he had and the joy he felt in his life. On his better days, he was able to shut it out, ignore it. Today, it didn't work so well. Meanwhile, it seemed that voice was yelling at him. He came here in the first place because he hoped he would find some inner peace. Last time he'd been here - when he'd learned from Rachel that she and Stan are getting divorced - Steve had been with him and given him comfort or tried to do his best to set Danny's mind straight before he did something stupid. Steve had helped him many times in the past and vice versa. They had comforted each other, laughed and cried together. Hell, they always had each other's back. Sure, Steve had opened up about the radiation poisoning and the long-term effects, but then he waved it off in the same moment by telling him they would have a lot of years ahead. How many is a lot?
Danny made sure he was the only one up here and let out a desperate and angry cry. It helped him for a moment or two. Then the weight settled back on him, made it hard for him to breathe or think straight. If he did drugs, he would get high as a kite and hopefully forget about everything that bothered him.
He went over to his car and opened the trunk. A six-pack of beer was staring at him and begging him to take a drink or more. He had no intention of getting drunk but thought it could help him ease the pain that was eating him up inside.
A few hours later…
When Steve got out of the shower, he saw he'd missed a call from Danny. A look at the clock told him that it was almost 9:00 pm. He wondered what this call was about, though he figured it was probably a new development in their latest case. He and Danny hadn't spoken about anything other than work in two days, and Steve would be the last to admit that it actually weighed pretty heavily on his mind. He wrapped the towel tighter around his waist and ran one hand through his wet hair, leaving it in dark spikes. He almost dropped the phone when instead of Danny's voice loud music came from the speaker.
"Sorry, gonna turn it down a notch," he heard Danny's voice, "I hope you're at home. We need to talk. I mean…, I need to talk, and you're gonna listen. If you want you can throw me out, but first hear me out. Okay? See you in a bit." The line went dead.
What in the world was that? Steve stared at his phone. He tried to call Danny, but it went straight to voicemail.
The ringing of the doorbell startled him. With four big strides, he was at the door and swinging it open. Danny leaned against the door frame, looking as surprised as Steve.
It took some time until the blond detective found his words. "Are you always opening your door half-naked around this time o' night?" he blurted out. Not exactly what he had planned to say, but it was the first thing that had come to his mind. Steve's hair was still damp from the shower, and his body was glistening in the soft light that illuminated the living room.
"You want to come inside or stay there and stare at me like I just dropped out of a spaceship?" Steve asked bluntly. Goosebumps popped on his skin due to the mild breeze that came from the ocean which billowed the curtains behind him.
"I'm … I'm sorry. I didn't want …" Danny stammered and brushed past Steve. He inhaled the soapy scent and felt the damp heat emanating from his partner's body. He tripped because that was more than he was ready to take.
"Are you drunk?" Steve wanted to know as he caught him before he fell.
"No … no, I drove here from the overlook by myself," Danny said and gave him a crooked smile.
"Is everything okay with you?" Steve asked, deeply worried because something was really off with Danny. He led him to the couch.
"Sit down. I'll get changed and be right back, okay?"
"You could leave your towel on. I don't mind. It looks good on you," Danny said in an attempt to sound funny. It did not work.
"I'd feel more comfortable with some pants and a shirt on, so stay put." Steve rushed upstairs.
As soon as Steve disappeared up the stairs, Danny started to wonder if his decision to show up for a surprise visit had been such a glorious idea. He could barely remember how he got to Steve's house. The past few hours were a haze. He shook his head as if it would help him to get rid of the fog that clouded his mind. His body felt numb. That was not a side effect of the beers he had. He'd been wasted in the past and never felt that way.
Steve went down the stairs and stopped short in the kitchen. He took a closer look at Danny. His best friend was a picture of misery. What the hell had happened to him? Steve decided that another beer wasn't an option for his friend. He brewed them some strong coffee before returning to the living room with two steaming mugs and putting one right in front of Danny on the coffee table.
"Here, I thought you could use this," Steve said softly. He sipped carefully at the hot liquid as he eyed up his partner over the rim of his mug. Danny looked totally lost.
"I'm here if you want to talk or we could just sit in silence. Up to you, pal," Steve offered.
It was like Danny was waking from a death-like sleep. His movement was lethargic as he went for the mug and took a sip.
The hot liquid hissed angrily down his throat and seemed to bring him back to life.
"Look, I'm sorry I just showed up outta the blue like this. I took Rachel and the kids to the airport, 'cause they're gonna go see Rachel's family. My dear ol' ex-mother-in-law is celebrating her 75th birthday."
"Weren't you supposed to be with them?"
Danny shook his head and blamed their current case for not being part of the happy family reunion. However, he could not fool his partner. Steve knew him better than that. Danny didn't get along so well with Rachel's mom and the rest of her family.
"I had an appointment with my doctor this morning. Guess what? I'm as healthy as I could be except for some increased cholesterol," Danny said bitterly.
"You sound like you're disappointed. Did you expect something different?" Steve wondered.
"Radiation poisoning. I mean, I was exposed just like you were and you, you know. While I …" Danny let his voice trail off. He put the mug on the table as his hand started to tremble. He averted his gaze so Steve wouldn't see the tears that stung in his eyes.
Steve's eyes widened, and he couldn't help but exclaim, "Danny, what the fuck is wrong with you? It isn't your fault that this happened to me. I did it to myself, remember? I'm glad your doctor cleared you, man."
Danny kept his head turned away from Steve as he kept on talking, "It's wrong Steve. It's so wrong. It should've been me, too. Why is it only you? I don't get it. You know as well as I do that I don't discuss my private life with anybody… I don't tend to share a lot really; I just make my own decisions. Yes, I do tend to bottle things up quite a bit, and no, I don't give a lot away to others. I'd much rather think about problems myself and try to deal with them myself than having a second or third party involved. I had no right to force this damned intervention down your throat. I should've asked you and…"
"Danny," Steve chimed in, "We had that conversation already. We talked about it, and I'm good with it. Why are you bringing it up again?"
"We did not do the talking Steve, you did. I just stood there and stared at you. Listening to you and all the things you had to say."
Steve frowned, "So what? You sound like you're complaining. What did I miss? Did I say or do something that offended you? If so, I apologize. Okay, yeah, you kinda ambushed me with the intervention thing, but…ya know, I understand why you did it. I didn't think about…the impact my health would have on you. I didn't think that…you'd take it like this, man. I'm sorry Danny, I'm sincerely sorry for that."
Danny let out a breath he had no idea he'd been holding. Tall, dark and gloomy was much more to him than just 'a friend' but how should he tell him that without getting kicked out of Steve's life?
He took all the courage he could muster and attempted, "I love you, Steven. I can't stand the thought that one day, you won't be there anymore, that I would have to face the rest of my miserable freakin' life alone."
"You know that I love you, too, buddy," Steve replied in a sincere voice. "I already told you that, but it doesn't mean we have to share everything, even diseases. We already shared a liver. I think that alone is already more than I could've ever even thought to ask you to do for me."
Okay, this was not the response Danny expected. He let out a heavy breath before attempting to get his thoughts out coherently enough for Steve to understand his intent.
"Tonight, I stood outside your damn door for so long that I started to feel like a creeper. I needed to decide whether I was gonna ring your doorbell or just walk away. The smarter thing would've been to walk away. But…my traitorous mind wanted to be sure that you were okay. You took two days off, and we hardly talked to each other. I had to make sure you're okay. And then you opened the door, and it was like you were waiting for me."
A 'v' showed up on Steve's otherwise flawless forehead. He felt a flutter in his stomach and wanted to know if he was right about the direction this conversation was going.
"Keep on talkin', Danno," he encouraged his friend.
"First, I was grateful to have the weekend off so I could hide inside my home and come to terms with…with what I feel for you. The past few weeks, they've-they've rattled me more than they should. Every time I thought I had you worked out of my system, you came back and-and I can't think straight for the next month. Look, the night you told me about the radiation poisoning? That fuckin' shattered my whole world into pieces. I-I…I realized the time we have isn't infinite. I might lose you sooner rather than later, and I would never have the chance…" Danny's voice disobeyed him. A tear escaped his eye and ran down his cheek. Desperate, he pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes and inhaled sharply.
Steve's heart pounded in his chest like an out of control jackhammer, and the desire that had slammed into him with the force of a tornado hadn't even begun to recede.
Danny's tear-choked voice jerked him back to reality.
"Sorry Steve, I didn't plan on coming here to release my inner Drama Queen. I think it was a big mistake to come here like this, and…"
Steve got up from his chair and sat down next to Danny. Carefully, he took his partner's smaller hands in his and squeezed them gently. "I don't think it was a mistake that you showed up on my doorstep. I would even go as far as to call it fate."
On impulse, he gently pulled Danny's hands to his mouth and kissed his fingers, one after the other. Danny's mouth gaped open, but whatever he was going to say never made it past his vocal chords. His eyes were so big that Steve feared they could pop out of their eye sockets.
"Danny, you okay?" he asked worriedly.
Seconds ticked by.
"Danny?"
Danny blinked several times. "You…you just kissed my fingers."
It seemed that Steve became aware of it only now. "Yeah…, I guess I did. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"
Danny pulled his hands back, "I think I'd better go."
Steve grabbed one of his wrists as soon as Danny stood. "Wait." His voice was hoarse, and he had to clear his throat before he kept on speaking. "I haven't been honest with you."
Danny hesitated and looked down on him, "Look, Steve, just let me go, alright? This is a horrible idea. I hoped it would be easier to talk to you with a bit of alcohol in my system, but clearly, I was wrong. My head's all over the place, my heart isn't too far behind, and…"
"I'm talking about the conversation we had at the shrimp truck," Steve interrupted him.
"Wait, I put all my courage together, with a six-pack of beer as my back-up to confess my love to … and you say you have not been honest with me? Dude, what the fuck am I missing?" Danny's head started pounding like a tsunami warning alarm was going off in his temples. He was about to have the mother of all panic attacks.
"I swear I was about to call you when you showed up on my doorstep. Danny, please sit down before you give yourself a heart attack."
He followed Steve's prompt only hesitantly. "How bad is it?" Danny asked after he retook his seat on the couch.
Steve eyed him up suspiciously, "YOU ask ME how bad it is?"
"You can take the easy way out and tell me that this information is classified," Danny suggested, a bitter smirk on his face.
"Good, now you sound more like you. I mean like the usual you and not like the twisted version this counselor has turned you into. Can I go on now?"
This was not a rhetorical question. Danny saw it in Steve's eyes and in the shadows that crossed his partner's features. Expecting the worse, all Danny could manage was an encouraging nod.
Steve felt the tick, tick, tick of his heart in his throat. It felt like he had to squeeze the words past a gigantic lump when he rose to speak.
" I wish I could name a date or a moment for when it happened. But I can't. And I have ignored that feeling for far too long now. I didn't just take these past two days off for stress relief, alright? I went through our shrimp truck conversation over and over and over again. I sat here and I fuckin' dissected every part of it, Danny."
Danny quirked a brow but didn't say a word.
"I know that...that this is gonna sound weird. But...what's weird is how I felt when we left after dinner the other night. I felt like...neither of us got to really say all that we wanted to, and not just about this radiation poisoning thing. Look, first...I want you to know that...the way you helped me get through everything after my dad's death...there will never be the right words for how grateful I am to you for that."
Steve had to take a deep breath as his eyes suddenly burned with traitorous tears, and he had told himself if he could find the courage ever actually to start this conversation with his best friend, then he damned sure wouldn't shed a tear when he did. At least, not until he finished said conversation.
"You were my...very loud, very brash, very opinionated voice of reason during...arguably the hardest period of my life. Hell, you still are. We've come a long way, been through a lotta ups and downs, ya know, on and off the job. And then we-we make this crazy trip through the jungle, and you come outta left field about retiring, and... Buddy, I gotta tell ya, that one felt like a blow to the gut because...it was the first time I realized that-that our...our relationship could come with an expiration date. I hadn't ever thought about it like that before. The exit strategies I tend to have in mind are...a lot more dramatic, less retirement-friendly."
Danny bit his lower lip before he said, "Let me guess, your idea of quitting the job is more like Thelma and Louis, Bonny and Clyde, or Butch and Cassidy, which means going out with our guns blazing. Why am I not surprised?"
Steve shook his head, giving a rueful grin. "That's not quite what I had in mind but… yeah, close enough. Whatever, that day out there in the wild on the brink of death with a dirty bomb strapped to our truck, it hit me that…that losing my life would be nothing compared to losing you."
He paused. If Danny was surprised, he didn't show it, or maybe he was too overwhelmed with what Steve just told him. It was hard to tell.
Steve's jaw muscle ticked. He closed his eyes briefly before he locked his eyes on Danny, "I might have come to terms with my emotions. But it scares the crap out of me to show them, Danny, and you know that better than anybody else. I already hurt you by dropping the news about the radiation poisoning the way I did, and then left you standing in the rain. It did not occur to me what impact this would have on you, let alone on-on us. And when I say us, I mean us. Danno, I can't promise you I'm gonna be there forever. But I can promise you I'm gonna be there for you as long as I live."
Danny swallowed hard. The lump in his throat was about to burst. The beating of his heart accelerated, and he felt a pang of guilt. He'd not only underestimated Steve's feelings for him; he'd underestimated Steve in general. Danny had never thought that this tough cookie would have the guts to admit that he felt much more than friendship for him. They didn't need each other's consent to take their relationship to the next level; they were already there.
"Steve, I know you have an affinity for broken things. You collect them like other people collect stamps. You just gave Junior a home and Eddie. And you became my safe harbor. When I got to this island, I was…not a happy person. And you didn't exactly make it easy to get along with you, barging in and taking over my life as you did. Hell, you were a goddamn pain in my ass."
"Ditto," Steve threw in.
Both chuckled as their nerves over the course of the past 10 or 15 minutes finally began to settle down.
"Somehow I survived Camp McGarrett," Danny said with little pride in his voice, "I even shared my liver with you. Most people only share a meal, or a bed, even." His eyes got dark, "Hell, I wished I had something to share with you that would make this radiation poisoning go away. I feel so helpless, so…"
Steve put his arms around Danny's shoulders, "Buddy, don't go there, you hear me? I told you I'm not gonna obsess about something that might happen and neither should you."
Steve pulled him closer. The boy from Jersey melted into his partner's embrace, loving the feeling of the strong arm wrapped protectively around him.
It was only then, when Danny laid his head on Steve's shoulder, that the blonde finally spoke, his voice only barely cracking, "I can't promise to fix all of your problems, Steve. But I can promise you won't have to face them alone."
The End