I do not own anything in this sad excuse for a fanfiction!
Okay the deal behind this fic was that it was originally made in script dialogue as a gag for my amusement, but then it became VERY entertaining, so I wanted to post it! But script format is not allowed on fanfiction any longer so I had to try to write everything out as an actual story which proved to be very challenging! So that's the only thing I have to say as to why it's all so oddly written; because I was working with a script! Anywho, enjoy!
WARNING! MAJOR swearing and complete insanity! Though how insanity can be complete... I am quite uncertain.
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Dangerous Events Taking Place in Awkward Ways!
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It was a lovely Sunday afternoon, and there sat the lovely Ryou Bakura, on his couch, who seemed to be painting his nails daintily. They were a very lovely shade of lavender. Everything was going so lovely... until Bakura ran in.
"AH! MOTHER FUCKER I'M ON FIRE!" he screamed as he ran circles around Ryou's couch, filling the room with smoke. This made Ryou a VERY ANGRY boy. He became so angry that he devised a plan of attack... he dove onto Bakura shouting with all his might, words of wisdom and superiority. "YOU'VE INTERUPTED MY PAINTING TIME!" The two struggled on the floor for a few moments before Ryou finally made a very shocking discovery, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU'RE ON FIRE!!" "YES! YES I AM!"
But through all of the commotion, another crazed figure entered the house, by means of breaking through the wall. Who else could it be other than Mariku Ishtar? "HAHAHA! I MADE A HOLE IN YOUR WALL!" the crazed boy squealed with delight as he pranced around the room only to be joined shortly by his hikari, but only for mere seconds, for you see, Malik is crazy and awkward. He quickly ran through the front door screaming, "AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" at the top of his lungs and he took one look at his surroundings and ran right back out the door! Had he been disturbed? Or was he merely already disturbed enough as is? A question to wonder about.
Bakura sat down like a rational human being amidst it all, and for once all was silent. He himself was the first to break the awkward moment with a question that has been plaguing our minds for quite a few minutes now. That question simply was, "What the hell was all that about?" A thought seemed to dawn on Ryou after the question which brought him to interrogate the unknown even more with ponders such as, "Why were we all screaming...? Why is Mariku in my house? Why are you still on fire?" Good questions, Ryou, but I'm afraid I'm just not ready to reveal all of that potent information just yet!
But all silence must be brought to justice, its reign so very short, but Mariku seems to be one to conquer it all with simply his presence... and absence of brain. "HAHA! THERE'S STILL A HOLE IN YOUR HOUSE!" he shouted, and without further notice, shot through the roof like a poodle with its tail on fire. Poodles do not like fire. Ryou was speechless, for now there was not only an opening in the side of his home, but there was one in peak as well. Damn that rock-hard yami! But Bakura chose this particular moment of silence to realize that he was still, in fact, very much on fire. That and that there was also still, very much, a very large hole in the roofing. "AH! HOLY SHIT I'M STILL ON FIRE AND THERE'S A HOLE IN THE ROOF, AH!" This is about the exact moment when Ryou lost it.
"AH! HOLY SHIT! AHHHHH!!!" He proceeded to run in circles.
Amidst all of the chaos, Yuugi is seen emerging from somewhere unknown for some healthy news. Time seems to stand still as the boy delivers his message, cheery as can be! "Now children, from the look of this scene," gestures to the rubble and forms of Ryou and Bakura going nuts behind him, "you may think that swearing," Ryou's school photo is shown with a mustache scribbled on it, "being on fire," a candid shot of Bakura sleeping is shown, "and breaking through houses with your body," a horribly drawn scribble of Mariku is held up to the screen, "is cool... But it's not! DON'T DO DRUGS!" A picture of Yami wearing a hat is shown. Yuugi quickly wrapped up his broadcast and then disappeared into thin air, leaving the previous scene to play out as scheduled. But Ryou was suspicious! Where HAD Yuugi gone? He had to know! "HEY! What the hell? Come back here you little fucker!" Ryou threatened as he ran around the house searching for his mysteriously vanishing friend.
Bakura's brain then realized that if he wanted to stop burning alive, he was going to have to put himself out. Scanning the room quickly, he spotted a fish tank and quickly dove in, and the flames immediately dispersed. Relieved, Bakura muttered, "Sweet Jesus' turkey sandwich..." then the phone began to ring!
RIIING RIINNGG!!!!!
But poor Bakura did not know what a telephone was and began to panic! "AH! What the fuck was that?!?" He then attempted to perform some sort of laser-eye technique to destroy the offensive device, but he was failing miserably. He must have been weak from his battle with Spiderman that morning. But Ryou was not at all intimidated by the screaming object as he brightened and quickly skipped over to the phone to answer it. "Hewwwwwwoooo?" he answered cutely.
The man on the other end began to speak with a clearly trained business-like voice and said, "Hello, I am from the cable company. We were wondering if you would be interested in—" NO! Ryou thought. It was one of those damnable telemarketers! THE DEVILS ON EARTH! Ryou would not stand for this devilish act! "YOU FUCKER HO! STOP CALLING MY HOUSE OR I'LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND STAB YOU! AHAHAHA!" And with that threat, Ryou slammed down the phone laughing evilly. Bakura then realized that Ryou had seemed to have thwarted his enemy before he had gotten the chance. "Hey! I was just about to destroy that evil ringing doom device!" he protested with a pout. But Ryou was not listening.
"WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! AHAHAHA!" the insane one shouted before tearing up the staircase like a madman. Bakura was left to himself as he made another discovery. He was still very much stuck in the fish tank. And he didn't seem to be coming out any time soon.
"Hey! You come back me and fish me out of this tank... fish tank!" he shouted ineffectively. "GET ME OUT OF THIS GOD DAMN FISH TANK!" He paused. "As a matter of fact... YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY FUCKING FISH! ...WHY IS THIS HERE?!?!"
Just as if matters couldn't get any worse, Otogi stumbled through the front door, drunk as a dog... do dogs get drunk...? Even worse than that... the intoxicated boy was SINGING...! "To all the pretty, pretty ones; I want to get you high! But all the pretty, pretty ones, will leave you low, and blow your mind! We're all stars now... IN THE DOPE SHOW!"
"That's fantastic..." Bakura muttered, then screamed, "RYOU! THERE'S ANOTHER STONER IN YOUR HOUSE! HE'S FRIGHTENING! AND ANNOYING! AND HE ISN'T WEARING A SHIRT!" (Yes, I got that line from AquaTeen)
As if on cue, Ryou is seen sliding down the banister wearing a cape and a... sombrero??? "CAN YOU DIGGIT?!?!"
Otogi perked up at the sound of the loon-ic (haha I made that word up, basically like loony lol) boy's battle cry and tried to locate the source of his voice. All he managed was a lame, "RYOU! MY DEAR!" before promptly passing out cold. Ryou just then noticed the strange intoxicated boy in his house and reacted in the best way possible. "AH! AH! RAPER!" He then proceeded to bounce around like a psychotic llama on steroids. And they bounce... a lot.
"Ryou, do you know this man?!" Bakura cried in his best soap opera-ish voice he could muster which was really a disturbing sound coming from him. Ryou nodded. Then screamed again, launching into 'I-ate-too-many-peanuts-again-today' mode. "Ahhhhh!" Silence. Then, "Yes! Yes, he's the man that's raping me!" Yes, the poor boy is pissed out of skull on planter's peanuts. Bakura seemed to ignore the comment to move onto greater matters. Matters concerning his self and well being. Much more important matters. "MY ASS IS COLD! GET ME OUT OF THIS FISH TANK!" Ryou stared blankly at Otogi on the floor and answered distractedly, "I'm sorry, I can't help you with a raper on my floor!" He stared at Otogi with fascination some more before prodding him with a stick.
"Ryou, are you hearing yourself right now?" Bakura asked only to be, as expected, ignored. Agitated, he retorted jealously, "Fine! I didn't need you anyway!" before easily hopping out of the tank. This luckily elicited some sort of life from Ryou as he answered with a kind, "That's wonderful news! AH! IT'S STILL ALIVE!" As Ryou damaged his lungs and began tearing up the room in search of a weapon, Otogi stirred slightly on the floor. "Wha...? Eh? Ryou?" he murmured, but not for long, for Ryou had located a lamp... and smashed it violently over Otogi's head. "THE RAPER TRIED TO RAPE ME WITH HIS EYES!" Ah yes, ever paranoid, innocent little Ryou.
As all of the madness was happening in the living room, a moan escaped from the kitchen which could have only been Bakura. Still high on adrenaline and paranoia, Ryou fled to the kitchen shouting at Bakura, wielding the lamp like a loose chainsaw. "What was that?! Eh?! HAVING SEXUAL PLEASURES IN MY KITCHEN?!" Ryou ran in to witness Bakura drinking Mountain Dew straight for the bottle, moaning as if he was banging the bottle with his mouth. Ryou gasped. "DO THE DEW! NIHAO MY SHAMPOO!" That sorta ruined Bakura's moment with the now empty bottle.
"Why the hell are you talking about hair products at the dinner table?!" he shouted crossly at the deranged one. Ryou just stared at him for a few moments, before squealing, out of nowhere, "YOU HAD SEX WITH M.T. DEW BOTTLE! SHAME ON YOU!" and then proceeded to dangerously smash Bakura over the head with his trusty lamp of justice.
Just then, down through the unattended hole in the roof, the Kaiba spacecraft beamed down, and out stepped the Kaiba Brother Martians!
Seto walked into the kitchen like a dumbass and said blankly, "Greetings from the planet Whoop-De-Do." Mokuba was never one to miss a line, piping up proudly after his brother, "Word up to your mother!"
Ryou's eyes filled with fake tears. "My mother is in heaven, oh, boohoo!" Mokuba stared at the boy as if he was the biggest idiot on the face on the earth, aside from Bakura that is. "That's why it's 'word up', not 'word down' you stupid dumbass!" Ryou's eyes continued to spew faux rivers as he whined, "Oh, boohoo, my ass is dumb!" Bakura's body chose this particular moment to resurrect itself from it's current state of immobility to AWAKEN ANEW! He immediately searched out Ryou to direct his rage towards. "You little fucker!" he screamed upon locating his target, "You lit me with a lamp!"
"Don't you mean 'hit'?" Seto corrected in a bored tone. Why was he here?
"No!" Bakura raged as he gestured rapidly towards his head, which was surprisingly aflame. "I'm on fucking fire again! SO THIS IS HOW IT ALL HAPPENED!" Ryou snapped, unable to stand the pressure. "AHH! I'VE IGNITED A FRIGHTENING AND IRATE VERSION OF MYSELF! AHHH!" Bold words if I do say so myself.
Mokuba, ignoring the drama playing out before him, then noticed a wholesome little treat on the countertop in the kitchen. A yellow little, scrumptious bundle that seemed to be set out all for him... and his ADDICTION! Unable to contain himself, the boy cried out in madness, "AH! YOU HAVE BANANAS! I HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM WITH MOLESTING BANANAS!" Seto did what any family member would do when dealing with a mental brother: he SQUEALED. "No Mokuba! You must resist the banana pleasure!"
But Mokuba had been ignoring him and then the wrongness began the moment that Mokuba grasped his young delicate, yet firm, hand around a ripe, yellow, and tongue tantalizing banana! It was then that the freakish BANANA MUSIC began to blare eerily into the ears of all those present, and Mokuba was enjoying every bit of it as he cackled madly and molested the bananas! Seto wasted no time in taking action.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (BREATH) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And that was that.
It was then that a thought struck Bakura full force! "Holy shit! That kid is fucking around our bananas!" And fuck he did as Mokuba proceeded to molest EVERY. LAST. BANANA! But Ryou wasn't listening to his darker half; he was much more interested in a moth that had fluttered in from the hole from the roof. He watched as it wavered over to the kitchen lamp and instantly ignited on contact, and withered into nothingness. He then realized that he had been spoken to. "Eh? What did you say?"
Then, our long forgotten friend, Otogi came crawling into the room weakly, with blood spurting from his skull, compliments of Ryou's lamp. "Help....me......" he wheezed weakly. For SOME reason, this disturbed Ryou very much a lot. So what did he do? He quacked. And grabbed his trusty lamp of course! He screamed bloody murder as he continued to beat Otogi into a lovely bloody pulp of unconsciousness. This sadly, put his lamp permanently out of action for the future. Bakura decided to stop his hikari before things got... messier...er.
"Dude, he's dead."
"AWAHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'M A MURDERER! WAHHH!" ... "Let's eat him." The room shared sideways glances confirming that Ryou was off his rocker. Or whatever the hell that creepy squeaking chair was that he kept in the attic...
Seto deciding that everyone was doing it, so he'd plead lunacy also. You know, to be part of the 'cool' crowd. Seto never missed a trend. "Oh! You couldn't mean it! BOOHOO!"
Bakura was getting sick of all the awkward oddness so he decided to heat things up a bit? What better way to accomplish that then to grope his hikari? His hand moved in on Ryou's butt and made a tight squeeze. Ryou spun around quickly with a look of... lust? on his face. "I LOVE YOU BAKURA!" he squealed and gave the ex-tomb-robber a HUUUUUUUUUGE smooch! Heehee.
Mokuba decided the excuse himself before things got naughty so he declared proudly, "MY JOB HERE IS DONE!" as the bananas cried, "WE FEEL SO VIOLATED!" Then the Kaiba Brother Martians decided to make a hasty exit for they were to frightened to stay in the case that they would have to pry their eyes out with steak knives later.
Now a fresh face has entered the picture, stumbling about on unsteady legs, as he knocks clumsily on Ryou's front door. "Otogi, my love! Where are you? I swore I saw you come into Ryou's house!" the voice swoons as he reveals himself as Honda as he stumbles into the living room uninvited.
Then Ryou panicked, for he had just killed Otogi only moments prior. He used the most intelligent phrase he could think of at the moment to display his concern. "SHIT! SHITTY-ITTY-SHITMEISTER!" He then attempted to discard of the dead man's body. Attempt is the key word here, folks. Bakura watched his struggling hikari with interest. Ryou panted after inching the body...well, nowhere. "HE'S TOO FRIGGIN HEAVY!" he whined. Bakura sweatdropped. "Oh tosh! I can do it!" He quickly hid the body in a storage closet.
Just then, the radio tuned on spontaneously and began playing happy thee music for the moment! 'Ohhhhhhhh! I'm not sick, but I'm not welllll! And I'm so hooooooooot, cause I'm in Hee-el-ellllll!' But for some reason this only fueled Ryou's rage! He grabbed a bat which seemed to have appeared out of thin air and began beating the radio mercilessly with it. "UP SHUT UP SHUTUP! You dare mock me?!"
Bakura stared dumbfounded. "Ryou, I have a feeling you're destroying all of our stuff..." Ryou sent Bakura glare that sent shivers even down the spine of him! "WHAT?!" Very, very frightened, Bakura took this opportunity to slowly back away and conceal himself also in the closet, far from the wrath of Ryou.
Ryou twitched uncontrollably before an insane smile crept upon his face. He cackled madly before shouting like a psycho, "I WILL EAT YOUR NUTS HAHAHA!" He then dove into a draw and pulled out a bag of peanuts sloppily labeled, 'Bakura's. Do not eat or I will make you cry.' Ryou grinned like the Cheshire cat and greedily began stuffing his chops full of nuts.
A crash diverted Ryou's attention as he discovered Honda had finally stumbled upon the kitchen. "I SMELL OTOGI'S BLOOD!" the crazy sharkfin-monkeyman-thingy raged as he let out a roar like Godzilla and plowed into Ryou's reflection in the stove and knocked himself out. Ryou blinked at the fallen thingy man before continuing to munch on the peanuts. Bakura felt it was safe to emerge from the closet now and inched over to Ryou slowly and unsurely.
Ryou then began to feel guilty for eating his lover's nuts. (Teehee) he began crying uncontrollably and leaped into Bakura's arms spouting apologies. Of course Bakura forgave him and all was well.
Our story is brought to a close as there is a happy ending. Ryou bought Bakura some new nuts and the two spent their evening engaged in hot, passionate bunny sex. Aside from the dead man in their closet, the passed out man in their kitchen, and the large chunks of their house that were missing, all was well in the world... AND WHO COULD EVER BE CROSS AFTER HOT, WILD, PASSIONATE BUNNY SEX?!?!?!
Thank the Lord. THE END.
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Whoa. That was... wow. HAHA. I had MUCH FUN writing this mindless shit, and I hope you enjoyed killing brain cells consuming it. Oh, and for anyone that though I was bashing any of these characters in the story, I WAS NOT. They are all my FAVORITES (well aside from that bastard Honda... well he's not that bad lol) so I was just... torturing them for my twisted pleasure! Good enough exclamation?! WHEE! Anywho, review if you wish! I think one interesting review will satisfy me! TEEHEE! HAPPY READING!