The Secret Stew
(燉的秘密)
Scene 1: 白蟻 (Termites)
The hospital ward is dark and sterile. It's a slow night. In walks Dr. Yang and Dr. Stevens, talking amongst themselves, cooing like Doves in the nearly empty halls.
Dr. Yang: I got a real weird feeling yesterday, like I had bugs crawling up my legs. Have you ever had that happen to you Izzie?
Izzie: Well...guess it depends. When I'm with some guys, it feels like termites are biting me all over. I got lots to tell you about my love life, but I won't go into details.
Dr. Yang: Why not? This Asian wants to gab about what makes you horny. Remember that movie from the 70s "Full Metal Jacket"? My mom was the lady who said "sucky sucky five dollar. Me love you long time. Me so horny. Me soooooo horny."
Izzie: Really? How much did they pay her for that role?
Dr. Yang: What do you think... $5, duh!
Izzie: Love is a brutal thing. There's a saying that the love bug can bite you. That's what I was thinking about when you told me you had that bug problem.
Dr. Yang: It's not really a problem...it's just a feeling. The weird thing was...I had a dream where Dr. Bailey was gliding her tongue over my leg hair, ever so gently like a seal would, during this "bug feeling."
Izzie: Oh? Really! We used to do that for fun in the trailer park back home. It was a helluva good time. Now, I don't have much to bide the time with, except dying my hair this sick yellow color that's supposed to pass as blonde.
Dr. Yang: You can say that again! I thought a cat pissed on your head the first time I saw it.
Izzie: Some girls like to pretend their blonde because life seems like a foreboding place. That's why I decided to dye my pubes the same color. If you're all out piss, then the world can't get you down if you were half piss, half natural.
Dr Yang: What?
Izzie: Alex liked my pubes. He thought they were the prettiest color of orange. He liked to braid them into little plaites, then weave those smaller ones together. Then, (whimper), he'd make a little bow out of it, and say that it was our "creation"; that no one could take away this "love bow." It links us together in spirit.
Dr. Yang: Uhhhh. Want some coffee?
Izzie: No, I gotta scrub in today to help Dr, Bailey assist in one of her surgeries. She's doing a cock extension surgery for an eighty year-old man named "Mr. Texler."
Dr. Yang: Why would he need an implant?
Izzie: I don't know. To feel like he's king of the hill. McSteamy is supposed to perform the surgery, and Bailey is assisting. That means I'm assisting the assistant.
Dr Yang: If you've cooked a frozen turkey, you probably won't have any problem.
Izzie: I will. Attaching a 4-inch piece of plastic to Crisco isn't that easy.
Dr. Yang: Want to come over tonight after the surgery? I'm cooking dog testicle soup?
Izzie: Sure...and I'll bring the wine.
Dr. Yang: Okay. Be sure to bring a good bottle though, cause remember, I was in "Sideways!" Oooops! Sorry! Cut that one out of the film!
Izzie: Sure I will. What else are you making?
Dr. Yang: Ox hide stir fry with baby clam sperm. Mackerel caviar fried with live worms. Crab puffs made with puffs, well...ingredients from my own puffs, if you know what I mean.
Izzie: Mmmmmmm. Can't wait.
Dr. Yang: I'm also making a secret stew. We call it "Yuèjīng xiě tāng." Family recipe that goes back generations and generations.
Izzie: What exactly is that?
Dr Yang: You'll find out...hehehehehe!
Scene 2: 後門 (Back Door)
Izzie approaches Dr. Yang's apartment, reluctant to go to dinner because she still feels horny for Alex. She finally musters up enough courage to ring the doorbell. Dr. Yang opens the door.
Dr. Yang: Bring the wine?
Izzie: Yeah. Let's eat!
Dr Yang: The secret recipe is brewing now. Soooo good! It will provide us with magical powers!
Izzie: What?
Dr. Yang: You'll see.
The doorbell rings, and Dr. Yang opens it. Dr. Bailey is standing in the vestibule, her eyes dilated and her breath stinking like cheap whiskey.
Dr. Bailey: I got me this 40 on the way here. I'm feeling good, baby!
Dr. Yang: Come in. We don't wanna have you fall over in the hallway drunk!
Izzie and Dr. Yang drag Dr. Bailey into the living room.
Dr. Bailey: I's feeling soooo good tonight. Like I's a mystical Nubian queen!
Izzie: What happened to you? After the surgery, you seemed fine?
Dr. Bailey: Well (burp). After the surgery, I went to check on Mr. Texler. He was talking to me, real nice and all, and then he showed me a picture of when he was young. DAMN! He was a hot tamale. So, I kinda hot horny for him. He asked if I could test drive his new "addition." At first, I stood solid and said "No, I am a professional here to treat you." But then, I got so horny, I just jumped on his hospital bed, pulled his gown up, and I rode him like a pony, baby!
Dr. Yang: Wow...how romantic.
Izzie: Was it good?
Dr. Bailey: I could tell it was kinda fake. That didn't matter. A man stays a man forever! He took me on the ride of my life! The bad thing was, his...you know...weewee kinda broke, so we have to do the surgery all over again. Sorry, but a girl just can't help it!
Izzie: Alex and me like to go at it. Sometimes, we wake up the neighbors. I like missionary, he likes backdoor.
Dr. Yang: Speaking of stuff from the back door, let's eat!
Scene 3: 什麼是酸 (Something's Sour!)
Izzie and Dr. Yang make their way into the kitchen, leaving Dr. Bailey mumbling drunk on the living room sofa. Izzie uncorks the wine, Dr. Yang gets the glasses. A cool breeze wafts in the kitchen, rippling DR. Yang's cotton t-shirt against her breasts. Izzie watches, and blushes ever so subtly.
Dr. Yang: What? What's wrong?
Izzie: Oh...nothing. Sorry. I just, huhhh. Something got me there and I didn't know where I was.
Dr. Yang: Are you feeling all right? Maybe you should take a cold shower before we "sup."
Izzie: I'll go take one. I'm feeling kinda confused.
Izzie walks out of the kitchen, into the bathroom. Shortly after, the sound of falling water can he heard distantly from the kitchen window. Dr. Yang ambles over to her curio cabinet and pulls open a drawer. A translucent container filled with red liquid sits there. She gingerly picks up the container and dumps it into the boiling pot on the stove. She grins, glibly, as if she has EVERYTHING calculated. Izzie comes back, lightly drenched, still drying her hair with a towel.
Izzie: Something's sour! And it's not me!
Dr. Yang: That's what I'm cooking. Care to taste?
Izzie: You haven't told me what it is yet?
Dr. Yang: It's a secret, remember?
Izzie: Well, all right.
Dr. Yang: So is it good?
Izzie: It's-I can't describe it! It's like my whole mouth has gone dry. I feel tingly. I want to...you and me...to F-F-F-find a watermelon!
Dr. Yang: What?
Izzie: I want watermelon. Watermelon popsicle. Watermelon soup. I want watermelon. I'm hankering for it. Watermelon candy, watermelon tea. Give me a fucking watermelon tequila! Woooo!
Dr. Yang: It's ten at night! You really wanna go out and get a watermelon?
Izzie: Hell yeah, sister!
Izzie high-fives Dr. Yang, then grabs her purse and lumbers out the door. Dr. Yang follows after her, P.O.d and doubtful.
Dr. Bailey: What the fuck stinks like coochy up in here?
Dr. Yang: Go back to sleep, bitch!
Scene 4: 伯德嘔吐 (Bird Barf)
While Izzie is going all out gathering all of the watermelon products she can find at the local market, Dr. Yang steps out into the street. She calls her mother, in a frantic mood.
Mom: Who that? Who calling me. This better not be Insurance Company trying to sell some plan to me! I got insurance. I very projected.
Dr. Yang: "Protected"...protected Mommy.
Mom: Whatever. Why you me call Christina? It late. Too late to call. I tired and mad. Tomorrow, I have go to Mr. Li store and see new perm on Mrs. Hsing. All the girls in the building say it look like a...how do you say...bird barf.
Dr. Yang: Yeah, that's interesting. Ma, that secret stew recipe you gave me is bullshit! She's not wanting anything but watermelon. You said it would hypnotize her.
Mom: Yes. This happen later. She is remember a very pretty memory from past times in long distance. She musta like watermelon. She will eat the watermelon, and be hyonopotomized, as you say.
Dr. Yang: Really? Oh (sigh) whata relief! I was freaking out there.
Mom: You no need to be geeked out. You need rest, o your hair look like burd turd bark like that afro Mrs. Hsing has. She say her daughter better than you, but I say "Yes, probably so, but my daughter doctor, you son a florist with a bank loan!"
Dr. Yang: Who are you? One of the moms from "The Joy Luck Club?"
Mom: No...I better. I more sneakier and wiser and know more and...
Dr. Yang: Bye, Mom!
Mom: No call back. Only tomorrow. Go to bed! And no lay-lay for you either...