It was a bright, sunny day upon the Starship Sophisticato! Crew members traveled to and from the bridge, which was a giant conversation pit. (if you don't know what that is, it is like a giant sofa on the ground! It is very squishy and good for conversing in!) In the captain's square of the pit sat Captain Flavio Deforestatino, the coolest dude in the entire galaxy. He knew how to brew pina coladas like no one else in the entire galaxy. And his hairstyle was the coolest in the galaxy. And he liked smooth jazz, the smoothest jazz in the galaxy. He smiled and gestured to his bartender, who brought him some pina coladas, which were the smoothest drink in the galaxy. All around him sat his officers, sipping similar pina coladas. They didn't need to monitor the ship or anything lame or gauche like that, because the ship maneuvered itself to allow for more time for chillin' and grillin'.
To Captain D's right sat his first officer, a totally cool party dude named Bert Lancaster. He had cool hair and cool slacks, and he preferred daiquiris, which weren't as smooth as pina coladas, but he liked them anyway and he could afford to drink something less cool because he was just so cool. There was speculation that he only drank the daiquiris because if he didn't, he would be cooler than the captain, and that is not allowed.
Underneath the skylights gamboled a young woman named Ginger Amory Perkins. Since the day was so bright and sunny and the conversation pit was so nice and so very soft, she rolled around in sheer delight. It was like petting a puppy and eating ice cream at the very same time. She was too young to be drinking at the bar with the captain and the totally cool party dude, because she was too young. In only a few more years, she would be able to be cool and drink as they drank at the fountain of prosperity. She was young and able and had russet hair that matched her Yukon gold eyes. They were all totally chilling and sitting around contentedly while wasting away the hours of a beautiful day.
Then, suddenly, there was a brief explosion that shook the entire ship off of its hinges! Everybody tumbled and rolled around because of the explosion, but it was okay because the whole ship was like a conversation pit. They got up quickly like a cat recovering from a hard fall and manned their stations. Even though they liked to chill and relax, they were really good at their job because they were really, really urbane. They all shouted orders at each other while people worked to fix the engine and keep everything in order. But where had this massive, brief explosion come from? Who would be so evil as to spoil such a beautiful day?
"Captain! Orders!" said Burt Lancaster, peering over his totally chilling shades. To keep everyone calm, he switched on some really mellow jazz music. Everyone relaxed instantly, and soon the truth of the brief explosion came to light.
"We have our attacker. Put him on the totally chillin' viewscreen," drawled Captain Deforestatino in his cool baritone. "I wanna see who would be so gauche as to disturb the chill."
Upon the view screen came an old and totally socially awkward visage. He peered into the faces of the young, hip crew, squinting into the light of their bright, totally chillin' establishment.
"Ehhhh who are you youngins? Get off mah lawn!" said the old man upon the viewscreen. Calming green lights pulsated to the cool jazz beat. The young, able-bodied crew stared in disbelief at this cruel cyber-geezer.
"I said, get off mah lawn or I'll shoot at yur ship again!" cried the crazy old man, his totally gauche, rheumy eyeballs rolling in anger.
"Hey man, you're totally ruining our groove!" cried Ginger, with a look of anger on her usually hip and calm face. "Leave us alone!"
"Yuu look real familiar, little one. Do you, by chance, no anybody by the name of… William Shatner?"
The sophisticated and elegant crew reeled in shock. No! Not Bill! What did this demented oldie want with their Bill? Bill was just so suave and confident and there was no way that any old man was going to interfere with his internal happiness and cool. They decided to make their decision over some glasses of Cap'n D's very own pina coladas that he keeps in the hold for times like these. What were they going to say? Where they going to betray Bill's trust in them, or where they going to attempt to deceive this man?
"Well, do you? Do you? You seem familiar. Are you my daughter?"
Ginger looked around, horrified. The faces of her crewmates, usually so cool and collected, were twisted, only slightly, but unmistakably, into expressions of pure horror and accusation.
"…I don't… I've never seen you before in my life," pleaded Ginger. "Please… leave our starship alone! We only want to seek out new life and be cool and chillin'!"
"You are my daughter, young lady!" cried the dementoid geezer, pointing a finger into the camera and causing even the chillest crew member to scoot to the farthest corner of the conversation pit in revulsion. "I told you not to go on that party ship! I told you not to join them! You have homework to do, young lady!"
"Dad- no! you're not my father! And besides, this is no party ship! We are a vessel of science and chill, combined to create the coolest art in the galaxy! But- it doesn't matter, because you are not my father. I could never be related to someone so gauche," Ginger said, arms crossed, a confident expression masking her true terror.
Everyone on the bridge glared at her accusatorily. Their pina coladas were gripped with an strange and foreign awkwardness. Ginger withered under their stares- so cool, so calm, and yet, the rage of a thousand angry nutrias swarmed just under the surface.
"You are related to this man? This- this failure of cool?" Captain D asserted, his features clouding.
"Fine! If you will deny being my child… then get off mah lawn!" cried the man, and the crew instinctively knew they would be fired upon again.
Captain D wheeled the ship around, out of harm's way. "Ginger, are you… really… his daughter?"
"No! I am not birthed of this insane fool! He is so uncool, and we are not. We am space people! We do not associate with his people that are not as cool and couth as we are! Let us associate with ourselves in the conversation pit of dreams, while we seek others of our stature and grace to board our party ship with us."
"Wow. I am sure that you are not really his child," said Bert Lancaster, looking confident in young Ginger, "you are much too one of us to be one of him! Now, if I am not mistaken, you have truly become one and you are no longer a child. Join us men and adults at the bar, because you have matured in this fine moment. You have not proven yourself so low as to reveal Bill and give him and us away to such supreme horrors. Now, let us frolic in the conversation pit that sets this starship apart from all others."
"Yes, indeed," started Captain, "but now, I am receiving a distress signal in my mind from a starship not too far away from here."
"Oh no! That is very distressing and not very cool," said first officer. "But who is it from? Perhaps we should pick them up if they are as suave as us."
"Indeed! Oh my! Holy gracious! Do you know who this signal is from? Are any of you picking this up in your telekinetic channels? This is big!"
"No sir!" piped the crew.
"Well, beam them up! Actually, I'll beam them up! This is task that should only be attempted by myself. Now, I will beam them up."
As the captain beamed them up, they materialized in the middle of the conversation pit. It was… the crew of the starship Enterprise, led by Bill himself! The other members collapsed, but that was okay, because the conversation pit was really soft.
The crew looked around in confusion- all except for Bill! He was confident! He was sure of himself! He looked around like he'd lived in a conversation pit his whole life! He was such a stud!
The other members, who could not yet keep their balance in the conversation pit (they had not yet earned their 'pit legs,' as we call it) gazed around in wonder. There was a young woman, a Vulcan, and Soo Loo.
"Fascinating," said the Vulcan.
"Sooloo!" cried Soo Loo.
"That is so gauche," said Captain D, rolling his eyes like he rolled around the conversation pit when the day was sunny and the couch was especially soft.
"What is the meaning of this," demanded the old guy.
"I am curious as to how you beamed us up directly into your… is this the bridge?" wondered the Vulcan aloud.
"Sooloo!" cried Soo Loo joyously, and he was instantly brought a complimentary pina colada- some of the captain's finest brew.
"How… did you hear our distress call?" asked Bill, cool as can be.
"We heard it in our minds, of course," nodded Burt Lancaster wisely. "We- you, me, and all followers of the cool- are connected by a vast, neverending web of cool. When one Fellow of the Cool is in danger, all his brethren will be there to help him. We are all one. We are becoming one. We will always be one- one with the Cool."
Ginger was still a bit abashed by the close call with her reprimanding geezer father, but upon seeing Bill, she was suddenly infused with a swell of hope, love and confidence. Cool filled her once more. He brought cool to every starship. She was so proud she had not betrayed him, for now, he was here in her very same conversation pit, enlightening her with his chill demeanor.
"What is the source of your distress? What has happened to you, Bill, cool of the cool, to put you in distress?" asked Captain D, looking cool, sipping a pina colada.
"There was this… really crazy… geezer. He was very… uncool. He made me feel… uncool. He… he kicked us off his… lawn, he called it… and shot at us… it hit us, and we were… in distress."
"Sooloo!" cried Soo Loo, happy he had a colada of his very own.
"Oh goodness gracious, that geezer nearly blasted us too! It was most uncool. That was one of the most uncool experiences of my life. I am surprised that I am not uncool now, because I think, a little of his uncool rubbed off on me. Even me, one of the ten masters of the Cool." Captain D looked crestfallen.
Now, let us explain a little bit of the ten masters of the Cool. There are ten, ten only, in the entire universe. They are the coolest of the cool, and the rule the universe under the banner of cool. Captain D and Bill are two of them, and as all of the Cool masters have conversation pit starships, they do. Several of the others, as you may know, are Shamalamadingdong and God Watercolor. They command the forces of the Cool, because they are supreme and premium, like those really delicious ice cream bars you can buy at any local grocery store. Sometimes they have them at gas stations in the little mini freezers near the cashier. They are most cool, just like natural grillmarks. The Masters of Cool are all linked in their minds and they have their own channel of communication that inaccessible by any others, except themselves. That is why none of the other crew could hear it, because they were not masters. Back on planet Earth, Frojo wondered who the heck Bill was and why he was complaining about some old guy attacking him. Sometimes they should just be left in nursing homes.
"Captain, what is going on here," asked the young woman who had transported up with the crew. She had a very confused and uncool expression on her face, but Captain D took one look at her and saw a goldmine of hidden cool potential. He motioned for his butler to give her a daiquiri- jut to get her started on the path of cool. She accepted it readily and Captain D was pleased. She would make a nice addition to his Crew of Cool.
Bill radiated cool as he accepted an entire trayful of the finest pina coladas.
"Sooloo!' cried Soo Loo. He was as inviting and sweet as a puppy dog in spring. He was one of the coolest things the ship had ever seen, and they were ready to promote him right to the top. First things come first, however, and the chillin' captain and his first officer had a slight problem to take care of. Yes, the ship was being swiftly repaired by the coolest mechanics in the galaxy, who were powered entirely by smooth jazz music and daiquiris. But there was another issue they had to subdue before moving on to more enjoyable tasks, like catching up with their old friend Bill.
"Captain, I do not understand. Who are these people? Why are they calling you Bill? Where is the Enterprise?" asked the annoying, pestering Vulcan, looking totally uncool. Captain D and Burt Lancaster exchanged knowing looks. They'd seen this type before. He would take a whole lot of persuasion before he would join the ranks of the Cool.
"Burt, old buddy old pal, please escort our alien friend to the Chamber of Cool," instructed Captain D with a nod of his awesome head. "He will certainly want an explanation for all this. Certainly it is a shock to find out that one's captain is a Master of Cool."
"I assure you I am not shocked. I am incapable of such an emotion. However, I shall accompany you to this Chamber of Cool if it shall provide me with an explanation."
Off they went, out of the bridge and into the rest of the ship, which was not quite as soft but still soft. It was padded with many soft pillows where one could simply plop down and have a conversation at any moment. It was so cool, only a Master of Cool like Captain D could have it on his ship. Any other ship attempting to install this feature would instantly combust in a gauche explosion of uncool.
The alien and Burt Lancaster left and Bill and Captain D settled down in the pit to begin exchanging stories of awesome and chill.
Ginger burned with shame in the corner. Just when she had been promoted in a shining moment of chill and cool, she had learned that her horrible geezer father had shot down the magnificent stud of cool that was Bill and his crew. She hid her gauche expression in a pina colada, but she began to worry, with each passing moment, that her father's uncool really had rubbed off on the crew, and she would never feel cool again.
Meanwhile, down in the Chamber of Cool, the walls were deep wine purplish-red and were emanating a smooth jazz track. The floor was a contrasting white conversation pit, and every so often, a square would levitate to reveal cheese cubes and delicate, cool finger sandwiches. Vulcan Guy over yonder could not resist the cool, and he indulged in dairy treats. He conversed with Bert Lancaster and slowly yielded to the temptation of the cool. The life of the cool was much less troublesome than the life of the gauche. There was hardly any distress to worry about, and there was so much more cheese. And cool. Bert Lancaster smiled to himself as the Vulcan's coolness gradually became more prominent. Slowly, everybody on the ship became more and more cool (except for Soo Loo, because he was already as cool and crisp as the other side of the pillow) until everybody was very, very cool.
Except for Ginger. She was wildly conflicted in her mind. She was not sure what she was going to have to do about her uncouth and gauche father. He would not do. The shame and humiliation he cast upon Ginger was almost enough to dim her radiant cool. She sat alone in the conversation pit, not conversing with anybody, only herself. She had to figure out her options and she weighed them in her mind, as she thought of solutions to end this trouble. Slowly, a plan materialized in her mind. She was going to beam herself to her father's loserly ship and take command of it, to prove her cool to the rest of the Cool. Then, she would never be doubted again. Closing her eyes with a smile on her face, she beamed herself over to her father's starship.
Ginger appeared on her father's ship in a flurry of cool. He did not notice her. He sat at his controls, peering into the vast, uncouth maw of space, watching closely for youngins that may attempt to encroach upon his precious yard. She snuck up behind him, but wasn't sure what to do after that. She didn't have enough cool to overpower him with her cool. Suddenly, a flaw in her plan appeared before her in a flurry of gauche! Bert Lancaster had put all his faith in her when he declared her to be of legal drinking age, and he had vouched for her and stated his belief that she was not truly the daughter of that crazy old gerrie. If she took over his ship, surely they would realise she was his daughter! How else would she know him and his ship so well? Feeling her cool drain out her toes like a pina colada from a spilt goblet, she simply stood and watched her father from behind for a good long time. The softness and sunshine and puppies she had felt earlier that day were galloping away from her, leaving her to munch thoughtfully on their uncool.
Back on the Starship Sophisticato, Soo Loo was entertaining all the crew with his clever semantics, and they were all having a wonderful time. So distracted with the cool was their computer, it forgot to autopilot. It was such an uncool computer for such a chillin' ship!
Before anyone knew it, the ship had drifted into the old man's lawn. He popped up on their viewscreens, hollering and jabbing his hideous wrinkly finger into their super cool faces of awesome.
"I told you kids to get off my lawn!" he yelled, and the crew tried to keep their cool as they heard the whining of phasers in the background.
"Look!" yelled Bert Lancaster. He was flooded with betrayal and uncool as he noticed in the background of the viewscreen- it was Ginger! She stood looking terrified and sad behind her father.
"Dad, stop!" she cried. Everyone gasped. Their faith in her was misplaced.
A brief explosion rocked the ship, but luckily the crew's cool was unbruised as the conversation pit cradled them.
"Come on. We must pool our cool and save the ship," said Captain D, trying not to lose his cool. "No engine power left! We must warp out with the power of our chill. Everybody! Join hands and think of awesome!"
Everybody concentrated very, very hard on chillin' thoughts like relaxing on the beach or under the skylights with a fresh pina colada in their hands. That thought alone was enough to transport them out of the geezer zone. They opened their eyes and found themselves to be in a geezer-free zone! It was much cooler than that old creep's lawn.
"Sooloo!" cried Soo Loo, glad they made it out of that uncool place.
"Wow!" started Burt Lancaster, "I can't believe that Ginger was actually that old man's daughter. I thought she was pretty cool. I mean, her eyes and hair were the colors of potatoes. And really, how can you go wrong with potatoes? They are only one step below daiquiris. They are so cool."
"I agree," said Captain D. "But sometimes, we place our trust and cool in the wrong people, though they seem to be chillin'. But you cannot blame yourself, because I'm sure none of us saw this coming. Is that right?"
Everybody nodded their assent, except for Bill.
"No. I felt there was a… disturbance… in the cool when I first laid eyes on Ginger. Though she seemed pretty… cool and calm at first, I saw past her chillin' exterior into the depths of her… uncool soul. You saw how she turned to that… dastardly old man and revealed herself to be… his daughter."
"What a twist!" exclaimed the young woman who Captain D saw potential cool in. It truly was a twist. Ginger showed promise. She showed cool.
Bill was right. They could not blame themselves. They had to blame him. But no one could blame Bill, so the blame was discarded in favor of pina coladas and an afternoon in the conversation pit. They were sad for the loss of Ginger, who was now presumably off with her uncouth father and his non-chillin' lawn, but they had gained many new crew members of cool! There was the unflappable Bill with his radiant rays of awesome, there was the entertaining and joyous Soo Loo with his way with words, there was the suave and charming young woman, whom they rechristened White Sherry after the delicious drink, and there was even the Vulcan Guy, who after much persuasion and cheese cubes, had reluctantly but surely become an agent of cool. He now munched cheese cubes and finger sandwiches like he was born to do so, and when he contributed to the conversation, it was always with words of wisdom and ultimate chill. It was a successful transformation.
Bill and Captain D were both Masters of Cool, so of course they shared the responsibility of commanding the U.S.S. Sophisticato.
"Captain, what about the Enterprise?" asked the Vulcan in a surprising moment of uncool.
"The Enterprise? Son, that was all… a scam. I only agreed to captain it so that someday… we might find… this. The Starship Sophisticato. And now that we have, some other poor uncouth soul can captain that unchillin' ship. This is my place now. Here in the conversation pit," said Bill, gracefully sipping from his pina colada.
"Sooooolooooo!" cried Soo Loo. His dulcet tones combined with the smooth jazz coming from the walls set the mood for a chillin' afternoon in the Conversation Pit.