My first yaoi -man story that isn't Lavi/Kanda (even though it kinda is), OH MY GOD!
Enjoy the angst!
"What makes you think I would want someone who isn't real?"
Lavi has never been very good at handling rejection.
"What makes you think I could love someone like you?"
Allen finds him standing outside his room, staring blankly at his door. He couldn't have said how long he had been standing there, only that his hand was raised in a fist. As if he was planning to knock, but forgot.
"Lavi... you're not okay?" Allen phrased it like a question, but they both knew it was obvious.
"I've always hated you."
"I-it hurts, Allen."
"You're Annoying."
"Come in, Lavi. It'll be okay."
"You're Disrespectful."
"Sit down. Tell me what's the matter."
"You're Fake."
"I can't." His voice feels small. Like he's sucked up helium, but nowhere near as funny.
"It'll be okay."
Lavi's not so sure, but Allen holds him close, his cursed arm rough where he holds Lavi's hand, the other gently carding through his hair. This is nice, he thinks. Allen was always nice. And friendly. And loyal. And he wasn't angry all the time.
Allen loves him. But... he isn't...
Yuu.
"What makes you think I would want someone who isn't real?"
He feels something wet fall onto the back of his hand and almost laughs. Was he... crying? He hadn't cried in years; not since Bookman had taken him in. He lets Allen turn his face, can see those intense, grey eyes staring into his. What he sees there means that he's only a little bit surprised when Allen kisses him.
His eyes slide shut, and he can see another face through his eyelids. Thick, dark lashes and cold, bottomless eyes. He kisses back and imagines them growing a little bit warmer. Because of him.
His heart jumps a little, because his perfect memory makes this real. He's always been good at pretending.
"What makes you think I could love someone like you?"
He ignores the echo still fresh in his head and runs his hands through Allen's hair, feeling disappointed when it ends near the nape of his neck. He tries to imagine that it doesn't, that when he slides his fingers down the other boy's chest, there are long, thick strands passing under the pads. He almost sobs.
Instead, Lavi places both of his hands on Allen's cheeks, pulling the cursed boy forwards to kiss him harder. He just wants to forget. Forget that Kanda had rejected him. Forget everything. And if he keeps his eyes tightly shut, he can pretend.
Pretend he's with Yuu.
Lavi pulls Allen's shirt out from where it's tucked into his pants, and runs both of his hands up Allen's chest, stopping his path just above the left pectoral. He traces out a familiar pattern – he knows it by heart – the om tattoo, and he can see it clearly in his mind's eye.
He hears a quiet moan that's not deep enough, and Allen's too short when he pushes him into the bed and leans over him. He grits his teeth, and distracts himself by feeling hard abs beneath his fingers and palm.
Allen makes another small noise, and it causes irritation to curl in Lavi's stomach, even as he begins to return the favour, unbuttoning Lavi's shirt and pushing it aside. He's ruining the illusion. Yuu would never be so needy.
So he ignores the noises as best he can, unbuckles and removes Allen's pants, then settles between his legs. He opens his eyes marginally and the other boy smiles at him. Lavi swallows a lump and smiles back. He knows the next part will be easier with his eyes open.
He focuses on the white curls that a nest around Allen's erection. Spreading apart pale, long legs – at least they have that in common – he moves one hand to fist Allen's erection, the other reaching a little below to press against his entrance.
Lavi takes a breath, steels his nerves and slowly works his fingers inside. It will be worth it, he tells himself, as Allen writhes beneath him, moves to touch his chest and stomach and shoulders and kiss him again.
Lavi probably doesn't spend as much time stretching Allen as he should, but there's an ache in his gut and voices in his head and he wants them to just go away. So he pulls the cursed boy to him, kissing him hard as he plunges inside.
Everything around him disappears and all he can feel, breathe, think, taste is the tightness around him, the hands in his hair. So Lavi moves, chasing the emptiness, revelling in the sudden freedom. Deafening noises are silenced into images flashing through his mind of inky hair and matching eyes. Just for him.
Then Lavi notices that Allen has become completely still, and regretfully cranks his eyes open. He can see his hands clamped over the other exorcist's mouth, and he's looking at him with confusion and fear. It's hard to keep his hips still, so he mumbles an apology as he removes his hands and starts thrusting again.
It's taken longer than it could have, but finally he's close. He pulls Allen to him a few more times and he's finally coming, losing himself in the waves of blissful blankness that consume him.
He wants to call out that name but can't, knows he can't. So Lavi lets a long wordless moan escape his lips. Allen shudders against him, crying "Lavi!" and he knows he's done too.
"I hope you feel better, Lavi," he sighs, snuggling against the redhead's body for warmth.
He doesn't.
The moment he feels Allen's breathing even out, knows he's asleep, Lavi jumps out of the bed. He puts on his clothes and opens the door, looking up to see Kanda staring at him, surprised. Then his expression changes, to something that on anyone other than Kanda could be apologetic. Hope makes its way to the redhead's stomach before he can feel guilt as the other boy starts to speak.
"Lavi, I-" There's a break in the sentence, and Lavi sees Kanda's eyes looking somewhere to the side, somewhere behind him.
It is then that Lavi remembers the door is open, that Kanda can see Allen sleeping in the room he just left. Shit, he thinks, as he watches the Japanese boy put everything together come up with the correct answer.
Kanda's expression falters and his lips lift into a smile that might be manic and laughs, sharp and definitely manic. Lavi shuts the godforsaken door and tries to explain.
"Yuu, please, I didn't-"
The laughter stops abruptly.
"And here I thought I'd been too harsh on you."
Kanda turns away, begins to leave.
"Wait!"
"What? So you can use me too? Pathetic." His voice reeks of distaste, and he keeps walking, doesn't turn around, but Lavi perseveres. He's got nothing to lose.
Reaching out, Lavi catches Kanda's arm. Dark eyes stare at him incredulously and maybe he's imagining it but he thinks he can see hurt there too, buried under everything else. Maybe.
So Lavi kisses him, trapping Kanda against his body that's just a little bit stronger. There's a moment of slack-jawed surprise that allows Lavi to explore the other's mouth and it's everything he's fantasised it to be, and more, before teeth clamp down hard on his tongue.
Lavi hisses and pulls away, blood drowning Kanda's taste.
"Disgusting."
Kanda spits red onto the floor, wipes his sleeve across his mouth and storms away.
"What makes you think I could love someone like you?"