Title: Closing the Loop
Author: knightshade
Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation (Picard/Guinan)
Rating: PG
Thank you to Tomy for helping to shape this story's direction and for beta reading.
Closing the Loop
Guinan watched the small but formidable ship through the starbase's observation deck windows. It was like most of the Federation vessels that passed through this system, except, to Guinan, the Stargazer meant the end of a long wait. Or so she hoped.
Guinan's species measured time on a different scale. Living many hundreds of years gave them an inherent patience that many species with shorter life spans lacked. But Guinan's patience had waned. She'd had infatuations with many things in her time, but usually they were big, impersonal ideas. She loved the many peoples of the universe and all their varied stories. She reveled in the vastness of space and all its potential. She was infatuated with customs and histories, especially those of humans. But this wasn't one of her grand infatuations. This time, the object of her attention was a man.
She had waited five hundred years for him to be born, and then she had waited until he had sufficient time to age. Guinan knew that humans could be a handful in their earlier years, and that wasn't what she was looking for. All this time she had been waiting for the arrival of the man who had held her and comforted her when she was hurt. He had been reluctant to tell her much about himself then, for fear of damaging his time line, but it was obvious that Jean-Luc Picard knew her and cared for her greatly. Guinan wanted to know why.
She watched the ship floating against the background of stars and decided she would try to get a glimpse of her long-awaited friend outside of the transporter room. As she turned to leave, the starbase rocked violently. She missed her footing and fell into the observation window.
More Ilyans, Guinan thought. She was tired of the weekly attacks on the starbase. Normally they didn't do too much damage, just interrupted things a bit, and made off with some supplies. She watched as the Stargazer changed course quickly and disappeared from her view. Guinan sighed, thinking it was highly unlikely the captain would be disembarking now, with raiders attacking the station. It looked like she'd have to wait just a little bit more.
For a long time, Guinan had tried to forget their meeting in a hotel room in nineteenth century San Francisco, telling herself that she would never see him again. But she knew she would. At least she had in his time line, so she felt she had an obligation to history to seek him out, and she had never really thanked him for his kindness.
In her more honest moments, Guinan knew those reasons were a load of hooey. Jean-Luc had gotten himself stranded in her time for the sole purpose of making sure she was okay. She wondered what sort of relationship would inspire that kind of loyalty. What would cause someone to risk losing everything he knew for her? Guinan knew she was hoping for a lot from a man she had not really met, but it was hard not to love the idea of him.
For now she told herself to be patient. She knew she had to wait for the proper moment for them to meet again, for what would be his first time.
* * *
Guinan scanned the tables in the little bar she had named Arthur's, looking for anyone who might need another drink. The crowd was sparser than normal, but sometimes she liked it when the bar took on that reverent tone of people in quiet contemplation. Guinan truly enjoyed her job. She liked listening to people tell their stories, in cadences that were unique to each individual. She loved celebrating with them in their times of joy, or providing quiet company when they were lonely or down. She had heard more stories as a bartender than in any other occupation she had engaged in. And over the centuries, she had tried a lot of things.
Her current haunt was stylish, with modern decor and lighting that could be altered depending on the mood of the customers. Right now, Guinan had subdued it to a delicate blue and purple hue that reflected gently off of the bar's silvery trim and elegant metal tables. Most of the brash young Starfleet officers had left to go to the casino downstairs, leaving an older, more relaxed crowd.
Guinan felt a rush of excitement when the doors slid open and Jean-Luc Picard entered the bar, looking distracted and out of place. Guinan smiled to herself. Poor man must have lost his hair early. He was almost as bald as he had been when she met him, although she could tell that he was younger. He was dressed in a red Starfleet captain's uniform. Guinan opened herself up empathically and immediately knew that he was troubled.
Guinan had had several scenarios in mind for what she had expected this meeting to be like. She had even bought some of his family's wine when she had learned of it, hoping it would help break the ice. But as she watched him tentatively pick a seat at the bar, she knew now wasn't the time to play games – he just needed a friend.
* * *
Jean-Luc entered the bar slowly. He didn't feel much like socializing and was relieved when he saw that he was the only Stargazer officer there. He had heard some of the bridge crew talking about spending their shore leave in the Ferengi casino on the lower decks, but this place was exactly what he was looking for tonight. It was dark and quiet. He could slip into the bar and shed his authority at the door. For a while anyway, he didn't have to be the captain.
Jean-Luc took a seat at the bar instead of at the tables that were scattered tastefully around the room. Tables were for people who were meeting someone. He was drinking alone, so it seemed that the bar was the most appropriate place. He relaxed and pulled back one of the high, cushioned stools. The bar itself was a cool gray, marbleized slab. Around the edge, it was trimmed in elegant silver tones. Picard ran a hand along the highly polished counter, looking for things to take his mind off of Rigel 12.
A woman in shimmering purple robes and a wide flat hat slid along the inside of the bar until she was standing right in front of him. "Can I get you anything?" she asked.
Jean-Luc looked up, "Ah, scotch on the rocks, please."
He was angry with himself for being bothered. He'd seen friends and other officers killed before -- it was part of being in Starfleet. But it was different when he was the one responsible.
The woman fished out a bottle from under the bar and poured the caramel colored liquor into a short angular glass. She pushed it toward him, letting the liquid slosh back and forth slightly. Jean-Luc took a sip of the smooth drink and savored the burn in the back of his throat. Then he blinked back his surprise. "This is real?"
The woman shrugged. "I keep a stash. Synthehol just doesn't do scotch justice."
"It's been a long time since I've had real scotch. I've forgotten the difference."
There was a quiet moment when Jean-Luc expected the woman to move on to the next customer. But she didn't.
"So, any reason why you're drinking alone?" the woman asked casually.
Jean-Luc glanced up to see that she was leaning against the bar. She had a beautiful, wide smile and impossibly large eyes. "Oh, you don't want to hear about my woes," he said with a smile, to show her that it wasn't that serious.
"I've been a bartender a long time, I'm used to hearing people's woes."
"It's just one of the usual gripes of a starship captain."
"Ahh," she said. "A lot of responsibility, being captain."
Jean-Luc raised his eyebrows in agreement.
"A lot of people depending on you to make the right decisions," she continued.
"And you never know if you made the right call. You never seem to have enough options," Jean-Luc said as he took another swallow of his scotch.
"Must be difficult to be responsible for so many people."
"Sometimes, but it's what I've always wanted to do. It's what I was trained for. Sometimes it's a wonderful feeling, knowing that people trust you enough to let you lead and make decisions. But other times . . . well, other times, you end up ordering people to their deaths." Picard found himself talking more than he meant to. She just had such wise eyes.
"Did you lose a member of your crew recently?" she asked, casually wiping down the bar with a rag that had materialized from behind it.
"Three of them actually. Three young ensigns. Bright and eager. I had to send word to their families," he said.
"If you don't mind my asking, what happened?"
"A week ago we helped a group of colonists on Rigel 12. Their force field generator was failing and the planet's atmosphere would have crushed the colony. I ordered my officers to go in to fix it, even though it was leaking radiation. I knew it. They knew it. But they went in because I ordered them to. They all died days later from radiation sickness. It was a terrible death."
Jean-Luc closed his eyes, reliving the horror of watching his officers die in sickbay, knowing the doctor could do nothing to help them. The feelings of powerlessness and guilt were so close to the surface, that here he was telling a total stranger. But then, who else was he going to confide in? He maintained a professional distance from most of his crew. It didn't seem appropriate to let them see his doubt.
"But you saved the colony, right?" the woman asked.
"Twenty thousand, five hundred, sixty two people," Picard said. He stared into his drink.
"The needs of the many . . . " the woman said sympathetically.
"I know it was the only rational thing to do, but it doesn't change the fact that I was the one who made the call. I ordered them to their deaths."
"It takes a strong person to make that decision. It's never easy to sacrifice those you care about to save perfect strangers. Those choices aren't easy, no matter what the numbers look like." The woman reached out and gently put a hand on top of his.
Jean-Luc was grateful for the contact. He liked this woman. He liked her a lot.
"I'm sorry, I haven't even asked your name," he said.
"Guinan," the woman replied.
"Jean-Luc."
Guinan's smile broadened and the hand that had been resting comfortingly on his, slid around underneath it in order to shake his hand. She had such a lovely, open face. "It's wonderful to meet you."
* * *
Jean-Luc didn't know why, but he found himself heading back to the bar each night. He normally took a walk around his ship before bed, making sure everything was in place, but he was finding that he preferred to come here. He loved talking with Guinan. She was such an interesting and mysterious person on one hand, but she seemed so open and giving on the other. It just felt like she knew him.
Jean-Luc was pleased when he entered Arthur's and saw that the lights were dim and there were only a few customers. He approached the bar and Guinan looked up, catching his eye. "A scotch on the rocks?"
Picard was about to agree, but decided to let her chose the drink. "Why don't you surprise me?"
Guinan winked mischievously. "That's a dangerous thing to say to a bartender, Jean-Luc, but you're in luck. I have just the thing."
She disappeared into the back room and Jean-Luc could hear the rummaging. "So, why Arthur's?" he asked. "You do own this place, right?"
Guinan returned carrying a small wine crate by its twine handle. "Yes, it's my bar. A friend of mine once wrote a book set in the Arthurian Legends of ancient England. I kind of liked the name." She expertly pulled a glass down from the shelf behind her and slid open the top of the crate.
Jean-Luc was about to comment on their shared interest in history, but he stopped when he got a look at the bottle she was holding. It was wine from his family's vineyard. "Guinan," he said shocked, "my brother makes that wine. I grew up in those vineyards." He realized he hadn't even told her his last name. Maybe it was a reaction to always being known by his surname in Starfleet; he had wanted something more familiar for his new friend. And here she had wine from his family's vineyard.
"Well, I'll have high expectations for it then," she said with a smile.
"I can't believe you have it. It sells well on Earth, but I've never run into it in space before," Picard said.
"I have a lot of unusual liquors. It's kind of a hobby. I collect interesting and unique bottles from everywhere, but I am a fan of Earth liquors."
It dawned on Jean-Luc that perhaps Guinan wasn't Terran. He had been assuming that she was. "Aren't you from Earth?"
Guinan smiled. "No, but I've spent many years there. I love Terran culture. It has an urgency that keeps drawing me back."
"Oh?"
Guinan looked away, almost shyly. "There's something about the way that humans burn so brightly that fascinates me. They make the most of the short life they're given and seem so driven to make a difference."
Jean-Luc was puzzled. "What species are you? And how long is your lifespan?"
"I'm El-Aurian," she said. "We live a lot longer than humans."
"I don't think I've met any El-Aurians. I'm afraid I don't know anything about your culture," he said, slightly embarrassed.
"There aren't many of us left. We're scattered around the universe, I'm afraid."
"What's your home world like?"
Guinan smiled sadly, as she pulled the cork from the bottle of wine. "At one time, it was a beautiful place," she said cryptically.
She poured the dark burgundy into the thin-stemmed glass. With a flourish, she turned the bottle so as not to spill any of the wine.
Jean-Luc got the sense that she didn't really want to talk about her home. "You're good at that," he said, changing the subject.
"It's the little things that make this job fun."
Both Guinan and Jean-Luc were surprised when the starbase's warning klaxons sounded, just before the floor underneath them jerked sharply under the influence of a photon torpedo blast.
Jean-Luc managed to stay on his feet by gripping the bar. Then he tapped his com badge, "Picard to Stargazer. Report, Number One."
"The Ilyans are back, Captain. They're attacking the far side of the base."
Picard quickly thought through the situation. It wasn't their mission to defend the base, but they were in a position to help. He could beam back to the ship, but by the time he got to the bridge, it would likely be over. Commander Whitmore was more than capable of engaging a single ship of marauders. "Commander, can you get into position to repel the attack?"
"Yes, sir."
"Make it so, and keep me informed."
Guinan and Jean-Luc waited in the eerie silence and felt the rumble as another blast struck home.
"Captain the starbase's shields have been penetrated. . ."
The rest of the message was cut off when the two of them were thrown to the floor by a blast very close to their section of the starbase. There was an ominous rumbling as part of the ceiling above them gave way. Guinan ducked behind the bar but Jean-Luc was knocked to the ground by the falling debris. He looked up at the hole in the ceiling above him, trying to catch his breath, but for some reason, he couldn't.
* * *
Guinan slowly got up and shook the dust off, thankful that she wasn't hurt, but worried about Jean-Luc. She could feel his panic and knew there was something deeply wrong. She pushed back a broken panel and made her way around the end of the bar to try to reach him. Jean-Luc was lying on his back, struggling to breath, caught underneath a pile of debris. She hurried to him and noticed the blood running down the side of his mouth and the frightening way his eyes were fixed on the ceiling. His aura was fading as he drew in a raggedy breath. She pushed some of the debris out of the way and cleared his chest, but his breathing was still labored. She was worried his chest had been crushed.
Guinan leaned down and put a hand on his cheek. "Jean-Luc? Hang on, I'm going to get help."
When he didn't respond, she hurried to the com panel and tried to contact sickbay, but the blast must have knocked out communications. She turned to one of the other customers and asked him to go to sickbay, but she was afraid it would take too long. She knelt down next to Jean-Luc and checked his breathing. It was still coming in desperate gasps and most of the color had drained out of his face.
Guinan sat back on her heels and quickly sized up her options. She had never healed anyone before. She felt lucky that she had never found herself in the position to have to. She had heard all the stories about how painful it could be, physically and emotionally. But Jean-Luc was laying here injured and she couldn't risk letting him die. He had stayed and risked his own life to help her in their past, so not only did she owe him, but she also knew that he was supposed to live passed this point in time. Maybe that meant she didn't have to do anything now. Perhaps help was destined to arrive in time. But could she take that risk? Maybe she was meant to be here with him now to make sure he didn't die.
The floor rocked again and the debris pile shifted. Guinan saw the gold badge on Jean-Luc's chest and had another idea. She carefully touched it and said, "Stargazer, my name is Guinan. Captain Picard is badly hurt and needs medical assistance."
"We'll drop shields and transport him to sickbay as soon as we can, but we're in a bit of firefight at the moment," came the reply.
"I'm afraid he may need help sooner than that, and I can't get through to the base's sickbay."
"We'll relay the message and transport him first if we get the opportunity."
"Thank you," Guinan said, knowing there was nothing else they could do.
She looked back at Jean-Luc. He seemed to be struggling even more. His eyes locked on her before he grabbed a raspy mouthful of air and then stopped breathing. Guinan counted to three, willing him to start breathing again.
"Come on, Jean-Luc," she said shaking his shoulder.
But he still wasn't breathing.
Guinan knew she didn't have a choice anymore. She carefully rested her hand behind his head, in the crook between his neck and skull. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the essence of his emotions and thoughts, trying to draw them closer. She was coaxing his life force closer to her, trying to establish a contact. Then a horrible shooting pain burned down her wrist and through her fingers. Her instinct was to pull away, but she knew she couldn't. It was his life force pulling at hers and if she backed away now, it would end the connection. There was a horrible consuming feeling, like being pulled in a stream of water, swirling toward a drain. Her body started to shake and she had to fight every urge she had to end the connection. She felt his fear and desperation engulfing her, pulling at her and drawing her in. But somewhere in all the pain and confusion, she could also see the glimmer of who he was. She could feel the nobility of his purpose in life and his desire to do what was right. She could see the shining core of his laughter and the place where the life in his eyes originated. She was overwhelmed by the strength and depth of his emotions. It was all clearly shining in that ephemeral energy that gave him life. It was mixing with hers, whirling and pulling part of her into him, trying to survive.
Guinan concentrated on the image of his chest, trying to keep it expanded to allow the air in. She could feel him weakening, most likely from internal blood loss. She desperately hoped she could provide enough energy to compensate for the life that was ebbing out of him.
Jean-Luc's eyes opened with a start, darting around wildly as he sucked in a labored breath. She managed to put her other hand on his cheek. It was hard to make her body move, so lost was she in his being.
"It's okay. You're going to be all right. Just relax," she said, not sure if the thoughts had made it to her mouth or if they were taking a more direct route to him. She realized that somewhere along the way, the pain in her hand and the draining feeling had subsided. She guessed that meant he was stabilizing, having drawn enough energy to keep his body going.
Guinan could feel a subtle change in his emotions. He was less desperate, more centered. Small scraps of thoughts and memories accompanied the swirling bits of emotion in his being. She glanced into his eyes and found him staring directly back at her, not looking through them but seeing into her as she was seeing into him. Again she felt his warmth and caring. She wanted that to stay with her forever. His life force was so engulfing and vibrant even in his weakened condition.
And then he started to dematerialize.
"No!" she cried out on a shaky voice. "No, wait!" She panicked, feeling his life force leaving her, slipping away. She didn't know what a forced separation would do to either of them. She had never heard of it happening before. The transporter effects were blinding this close and she was forced to back away from him.
And then he was gone completely.
"No." She felt a cold, terrifying emptiness where he had been. She slid to the floor and curled her limbs tightly to her chest, lost in the tatters where her being left off and his had been.
* * *
Jean-Luc took a deep breath and opened the door to Guinan's bar. Most of the debris had been cleared away, although the hole in the ceiling had yet to be repaired. Arthur's was still closed and Guinan was sitting behind the bar, alone. Jean-Luc noticed that her skin was a bit ashen, not the warm, rich tone he was used to. She looked up at him and smiled weakly.
"Hello, Jean-Luc" she said simply. "How are you feeling?"
"Much better. And you?"
"Oh, I'm alright," she said, but her tone was non-committal.
Jean-Luc dusted off a stool and dragged it with him to sit across from her. He folded his hands in front of him on the bar and looked down. He wasn't sure how to say the things he was feeling or ask the questions that had been plaguing him during his recuperation in sickbay.
"What exactly was that? It appears you saved my life, but I have no idea how."
Guinan looked up at him, her head tilted. Jean-Luc was amazed at how large her eyes were. "My people have the ability to . . . heal, for lack of a better word. We have a way of sharing, what you might call our life force, with another being. It's sustaining when someone is seriously injured. Allows them to borrow enough energy to keep going in some cases. But it's very difficult and not undertaken lightly."
"Guinan, I saw things that I can't explain."
She nodded. "What you were seeing was a very basic part of me - the force that animates me. No one is sure exactly what it is, but you might even call it my soul. When an El-Aurian heals, both people see that part of each other."
Jean-Luc let that sink in. He was suddenly nervous about what she might have seen in him. He knew he had seen something beautiful in her, but he had no way of describing it. It was like seeing something inside of himself but apart from him somehow. "There were other things I saw. Fleeting images and ideas. I saw a narrow river lined with flowers. And some sort of small house."
"Yes. That's where I grew up on El-Auria. Sometimes during the healing process, words, thoughts, or memories can be passed between the two people. I'm sorry. I wouldn't have done it if I didn't feel it was necessary. It can be a very . . . intimate experience. I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable."
"No, no, that's not it," Jean-Luc said hastily. "Guinan, I don't understand exactly what happened. Part of me was so out of it, I can't separate what actually happened with what I think happened. But what I saw was beautiful. Who I saw was beautiful. And I want to understand that. The face I looked at was the most caring and gentle face I have ever seen. And I would be a fool to just turn away from that experience and not try to get to know that person."
"You do know that person. Now more than anyone else in the universe does."
"You've never healed before?" Jean-Luc asked.
"No. As I said, its something that's not taken lightly."
Jean-Luc was even more resolved in his reason for coming to see her. "Guinan, come with me, on the Stargazer."
Guinan smiled sadly and shook her head. "You don't have to do that. It really isn't necessary."
Jean-Luc paused, wanting very much to make her understand what he was feeling, but not knowing if he had the words to convey it. "I'm not asking out of some sense of indebtedness or obligation. I'm asking you to come with me because I want you to. I need you to. Being able to come here and talk to you each night was such a treasure, a relief. It's been a long time since I've had a friend to confide in. After meeting you, it finally occurred to me that I've been lonely. Guinan, I can't explain it, but I care for you more deeply than I would have thought possible. Even without knowing exactly what happened, I had this sense that you know me completely. I don't want to lose that."
He stopped, but she seemed to be waiting for him to continue. Somehow she knew there was more he needed to say.
"I'm sure this must sound selfish. You have a life here and I'm asking you to leave that behind for me. And I can't even offer you much in return."
"You've already offered me a great deal, Jean-Luc. If you're sure that's what you want, I'd be honored to accompany you."
"Yes, I'm sure." He reached out and took her hand in his. She squeezed it lightly.
The moment passed and Jean-Luc saw the impish twinkle in her eye. "You're lucky my people have an innate wanderlust," she said.
"Well, you're in the perfect company then. Starship captains suffer the same affliction."
Guinan released his hand and disappeared into the back room. "I can't think of a better reason to break open my last bottle of Chateau Picard," she said returning with the wine. She set the bottle down, removed the cork, and poured them each a glass.
"To many long years of friendship," Jean-Luc said.
Guinan smiled. "I think this counts as a little bit more than friendship."
"You're right." Jean-Luc thought for a moment, searching for the words to express the depths of the bond they seemed to share.
"To kindreds, then," Guinan offered.
"Yes. To kindreds," Jean-Luc said, touching her glass.
----------------------
knightshade
January 10, 2002
Author: knightshade
Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation (Picard/Guinan)
Rating: PG
Thank you to Tomy for helping to shape this story's direction and for beta reading.
Closing the Loop
Guinan watched the small but formidable ship through the starbase's observation deck windows. It was like most of the Federation vessels that passed through this system, except, to Guinan, the Stargazer meant the end of a long wait. Or so she hoped.
Guinan's species measured time on a different scale. Living many hundreds of years gave them an inherent patience that many species with shorter life spans lacked. But Guinan's patience had waned. She'd had infatuations with many things in her time, but usually they were big, impersonal ideas. She loved the many peoples of the universe and all their varied stories. She reveled in the vastness of space and all its potential. She was infatuated with customs and histories, especially those of humans. But this wasn't one of her grand infatuations. This time, the object of her attention was a man.
She had waited five hundred years for him to be born, and then she had waited until he had sufficient time to age. Guinan knew that humans could be a handful in their earlier years, and that wasn't what she was looking for. All this time she had been waiting for the arrival of the man who had held her and comforted her when she was hurt. He had been reluctant to tell her much about himself then, for fear of damaging his time line, but it was obvious that Jean-Luc Picard knew her and cared for her greatly. Guinan wanted to know why.
She watched the ship floating against the background of stars and decided she would try to get a glimpse of her long-awaited friend outside of the transporter room. As she turned to leave, the starbase rocked violently. She missed her footing and fell into the observation window.
More Ilyans, Guinan thought. She was tired of the weekly attacks on the starbase. Normally they didn't do too much damage, just interrupted things a bit, and made off with some supplies. She watched as the Stargazer changed course quickly and disappeared from her view. Guinan sighed, thinking it was highly unlikely the captain would be disembarking now, with raiders attacking the station. It looked like she'd have to wait just a little bit more.
For a long time, Guinan had tried to forget their meeting in a hotel room in nineteenth century San Francisco, telling herself that she would never see him again. But she knew she would. At least she had in his time line, so she felt she had an obligation to history to seek him out, and she had never really thanked him for his kindness.
In her more honest moments, Guinan knew those reasons were a load of hooey. Jean-Luc had gotten himself stranded in her time for the sole purpose of making sure she was okay. She wondered what sort of relationship would inspire that kind of loyalty. What would cause someone to risk losing everything he knew for her? Guinan knew she was hoping for a lot from a man she had not really met, but it was hard not to love the idea of him.
For now she told herself to be patient. She knew she had to wait for the proper moment for them to meet again, for what would be his first time.
* * *
Guinan scanned the tables in the little bar she had named Arthur's, looking for anyone who might need another drink. The crowd was sparser than normal, but sometimes she liked it when the bar took on that reverent tone of people in quiet contemplation. Guinan truly enjoyed her job. She liked listening to people tell their stories, in cadences that were unique to each individual. She loved celebrating with them in their times of joy, or providing quiet company when they were lonely or down. She had heard more stories as a bartender than in any other occupation she had engaged in. And over the centuries, she had tried a lot of things.
Her current haunt was stylish, with modern decor and lighting that could be altered depending on the mood of the customers. Right now, Guinan had subdued it to a delicate blue and purple hue that reflected gently off of the bar's silvery trim and elegant metal tables. Most of the brash young Starfleet officers had left to go to the casino downstairs, leaving an older, more relaxed crowd.
Guinan felt a rush of excitement when the doors slid open and Jean-Luc Picard entered the bar, looking distracted and out of place. Guinan smiled to herself. Poor man must have lost his hair early. He was almost as bald as he had been when she met him, although she could tell that he was younger. He was dressed in a red Starfleet captain's uniform. Guinan opened herself up empathically and immediately knew that he was troubled.
Guinan had had several scenarios in mind for what she had expected this meeting to be like. She had even bought some of his family's wine when she had learned of it, hoping it would help break the ice. But as she watched him tentatively pick a seat at the bar, she knew now wasn't the time to play games – he just needed a friend.
* * *
Jean-Luc entered the bar slowly. He didn't feel much like socializing and was relieved when he saw that he was the only Stargazer officer there. He had heard some of the bridge crew talking about spending their shore leave in the Ferengi casino on the lower decks, but this place was exactly what he was looking for tonight. It was dark and quiet. He could slip into the bar and shed his authority at the door. For a while anyway, he didn't have to be the captain.
Jean-Luc took a seat at the bar instead of at the tables that were scattered tastefully around the room. Tables were for people who were meeting someone. He was drinking alone, so it seemed that the bar was the most appropriate place. He relaxed and pulled back one of the high, cushioned stools. The bar itself was a cool gray, marbleized slab. Around the edge, it was trimmed in elegant silver tones. Picard ran a hand along the highly polished counter, looking for things to take his mind off of Rigel 12.
A woman in shimmering purple robes and a wide flat hat slid along the inside of the bar until she was standing right in front of him. "Can I get you anything?" she asked.
Jean-Luc looked up, "Ah, scotch on the rocks, please."
He was angry with himself for being bothered. He'd seen friends and other officers killed before -- it was part of being in Starfleet. But it was different when he was the one responsible.
The woman fished out a bottle from under the bar and poured the caramel colored liquor into a short angular glass. She pushed it toward him, letting the liquid slosh back and forth slightly. Jean-Luc took a sip of the smooth drink and savored the burn in the back of his throat. Then he blinked back his surprise. "This is real?"
The woman shrugged. "I keep a stash. Synthehol just doesn't do scotch justice."
"It's been a long time since I've had real scotch. I've forgotten the difference."
There was a quiet moment when Jean-Luc expected the woman to move on to the next customer. But she didn't.
"So, any reason why you're drinking alone?" the woman asked casually.
Jean-Luc glanced up to see that she was leaning against the bar. She had a beautiful, wide smile and impossibly large eyes. "Oh, you don't want to hear about my woes," he said with a smile, to show her that it wasn't that serious.
"I've been a bartender a long time, I'm used to hearing people's woes."
"It's just one of the usual gripes of a starship captain."
"Ahh," she said. "A lot of responsibility, being captain."
Jean-Luc raised his eyebrows in agreement.
"A lot of people depending on you to make the right decisions," she continued.
"And you never know if you made the right call. You never seem to have enough options," Jean-Luc said as he took another swallow of his scotch.
"Must be difficult to be responsible for so many people."
"Sometimes, but it's what I've always wanted to do. It's what I was trained for. Sometimes it's a wonderful feeling, knowing that people trust you enough to let you lead and make decisions. But other times . . . well, other times, you end up ordering people to their deaths." Picard found himself talking more than he meant to. She just had such wise eyes.
"Did you lose a member of your crew recently?" she asked, casually wiping down the bar with a rag that had materialized from behind it.
"Three of them actually. Three young ensigns. Bright and eager. I had to send word to their families," he said.
"If you don't mind my asking, what happened?"
"A week ago we helped a group of colonists on Rigel 12. Their force field generator was failing and the planet's atmosphere would have crushed the colony. I ordered my officers to go in to fix it, even though it was leaking radiation. I knew it. They knew it. But they went in because I ordered them to. They all died days later from radiation sickness. It was a terrible death."
Jean-Luc closed his eyes, reliving the horror of watching his officers die in sickbay, knowing the doctor could do nothing to help them. The feelings of powerlessness and guilt were so close to the surface, that here he was telling a total stranger. But then, who else was he going to confide in? He maintained a professional distance from most of his crew. It didn't seem appropriate to let them see his doubt.
"But you saved the colony, right?" the woman asked.
"Twenty thousand, five hundred, sixty two people," Picard said. He stared into his drink.
"The needs of the many . . . " the woman said sympathetically.
"I know it was the only rational thing to do, but it doesn't change the fact that I was the one who made the call. I ordered them to their deaths."
"It takes a strong person to make that decision. It's never easy to sacrifice those you care about to save perfect strangers. Those choices aren't easy, no matter what the numbers look like." The woman reached out and gently put a hand on top of his.
Jean-Luc was grateful for the contact. He liked this woman. He liked her a lot.
"I'm sorry, I haven't even asked your name," he said.
"Guinan," the woman replied.
"Jean-Luc."
Guinan's smile broadened and the hand that had been resting comfortingly on his, slid around underneath it in order to shake his hand. She had such a lovely, open face. "It's wonderful to meet you."
* * *
Jean-Luc didn't know why, but he found himself heading back to the bar each night. He normally took a walk around his ship before bed, making sure everything was in place, but he was finding that he preferred to come here. He loved talking with Guinan. She was such an interesting and mysterious person on one hand, but she seemed so open and giving on the other. It just felt like she knew him.
Jean-Luc was pleased when he entered Arthur's and saw that the lights were dim and there were only a few customers. He approached the bar and Guinan looked up, catching his eye. "A scotch on the rocks?"
Picard was about to agree, but decided to let her chose the drink. "Why don't you surprise me?"
Guinan winked mischievously. "That's a dangerous thing to say to a bartender, Jean-Luc, but you're in luck. I have just the thing."
She disappeared into the back room and Jean-Luc could hear the rummaging. "So, why Arthur's?" he asked. "You do own this place, right?"
Guinan returned carrying a small wine crate by its twine handle. "Yes, it's my bar. A friend of mine once wrote a book set in the Arthurian Legends of ancient England. I kind of liked the name." She expertly pulled a glass down from the shelf behind her and slid open the top of the crate.
Jean-Luc was about to comment on their shared interest in history, but he stopped when he got a look at the bottle she was holding. It was wine from his family's vineyard. "Guinan," he said shocked, "my brother makes that wine. I grew up in those vineyards." He realized he hadn't even told her his last name. Maybe it was a reaction to always being known by his surname in Starfleet; he had wanted something more familiar for his new friend. And here she had wine from his family's vineyard.
"Well, I'll have high expectations for it then," she said with a smile.
"I can't believe you have it. It sells well on Earth, but I've never run into it in space before," Picard said.
"I have a lot of unusual liquors. It's kind of a hobby. I collect interesting and unique bottles from everywhere, but I am a fan of Earth liquors."
It dawned on Jean-Luc that perhaps Guinan wasn't Terran. He had been assuming that she was. "Aren't you from Earth?"
Guinan smiled. "No, but I've spent many years there. I love Terran culture. It has an urgency that keeps drawing me back."
"Oh?"
Guinan looked away, almost shyly. "There's something about the way that humans burn so brightly that fascinates me. They make the most of the short life they're given and seem so driven to make a difference."
Jean-Luc was puzzled. "What species are you? And how long is your lifespan?"
"I'm El-Aurian," she said. "We live a lot longer than humans."
"I don't think I've met any El-Aurians. I'm afraid I don't know anything about your culture," he said, slightly embarrassed.
"There aren't many of us left. We're scattered around the universe, I'm afraid."
"What's your home world like?"
Guinan smiled sadly, as she pulled the cork from the bottle of wine. "At one time, it was a beautiful place," she said cryptically.
She poured the dark burgundy into the thin-stemmed glass. With a flourish, she turned the bottle so as not to spill any of the wine.
Jean-Luc got the sense that she didn't really want to talk about her home. "You're good at that," he said, changing the subject.
"It's the little things that make this job fun."
Both Guinan and Jean-Luc were surprised when the starbase's warning klaxons sounded, just before the floor underneath them jerked sharply under the influence of a photon torpedo blast.
Jean-Luc managed to stay on his feet by gripping the bar. Then he tapped his com badge, "Picard to Stargazer. Report, Number One."
"The Ilyans are back, Captain. They're attacking the far side of the base."
Picard quickly thought through the situation. It wasn't their mission to defend the base, but they were in a position to help. He could beam back to the ship, but by the time he got to the bridge, it would likely be over. Commander Whitmore was more than capable of engaging a single ship of marauders. "Commander, can you get into position to repel the attack?"
"Yes, sir."
"Make it so, and keep me informed."
Guinan and Jean-Luc waited in the eerie silence and felt the rumble as another blast struck home.
"Captain the starbase's shields have been penetrated. . ."
The rest of the message was cut off when the two of them were thrown to the floor by a blast very close to their section of the starbase. There was an ominous rumbling as part of the ceiling above them gave way. Guinan ducked behind the bar but Jean-Luc was knocked to the ground by the falling debris. He looked up at the hole in the ceiling above him, trying to catch his breath, but for some reason, he couldn't.
* * *
Guinan slowly got up and shook the dust off, thankful that she wasn't hurt, but worried about Jean-Luc. She could feel his panic and knew there was something deeply wrong. She pushed back a broken panel and made her way around the end of the bar to try to reach him. Jean-Luc was lying on his back, struggling to breath, caught underneath a pile of debris. She hurried to him and noticed the blood running down the side of his mouth and the frightening way his eyes were fixed on the ceiling. His aura was fading as he drew in a raggedy breath. She pushed some of the debris out of the way and cleared his chest, but his breathing was still labored. She was worried his chest had been crushed.
Guinan leaned down and put a hand on his cheek. "Jean-Luc? Hang on, I'm going to get help."
When he didn't respond, she hurried to the com panel and tried to contact sickbay, but the blast must have knocked out communications. She turned to one of the other customers and asked him to go to sickbay, but she was afraid it would take too long. She knelt down next to Jean-Luc and checked his breathing. It was still coming in desperate gasps and most of the color had drained out of his face.
Guinan sat back on her heels and quickly sized up her options. She had never healed anyone before. She felt lucky that she had never found herself in the position to have to. She had heard all the stories about how painful it could be, physically and emotionally. But Jean-Luc was laying here injured and she couldn't risk letting him die. He had stayed and risked his own life to help her in their past, so not only did she owe him, but she also knew that he was supposed to live passed this point in time. Maybe that meant she didn't have to do anything now. Perhaps help was destined to arrive in time. But could she take that risk? Maybe she was meant to be here with him now to make sure he didn't die.
The floor rocked again and the debris pile shifted. Guinan saw the gold badge on Jean-Luc's chest and had another idea. She carefully touched it and said, "Stargazer, my name is Guinan. Captain Picard is badly hurt and needs medical assistance."
"We'll drop shields and transport him to sickbay as soon as we can, but we're in a bit of firefight at the moment," came the reply.
"I'm afraid he may need help sooner than that, and I can't get through to the base's sickbay."
"We'll relay the message and transport him first if we get the opportunity."
"Thank you," Guinan said, knowing there was nothing else they could do.
She looked back at Jean-Luc. He seemed to be struggling even more. His eyes locked on her before he grabbed a raspy mouthful of air and then stopped breathing. Guinan counted to three, willing him to start breathing again.
"Come on, Jean-Luc," she said shaking his shoulder.
But he still wasn't breathing.
Guinan knew she didn't have a choice anymore. She carefully rested her hand behind his head, in the crook between his neck and skull. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the essence of his emotions and thoughts, trying to draw them closer. She was coaxing his life force closer to her, trying to establish a contact. Then a horrible shooting pain burned down her wrist and through her fingers. Her instinct was to pull away, but she knew she couldn't. It was his life force pulling at hers and if she backed away now, it would end the connection. There was a horrible consuming feeling, like being pulled in a stream of water, swirling toward a drain. Her body started to shake and she had to fight every urge she had to end the connection. She felt his fear and desperation engulfing her, pulling at her and drawing her in. But somewhere in all the pain and confusion, she could also see the glimmer of who he was. She could feel the nobility of his purpose in life and his desire to do what was right. She could see the shining core of his laughter and the place where the life in his eyes originated. She was overwhelmed by the strength and depth of his emotions. It was all clearly shining in that ephemeral energy that gave him life. It was mixing with hers, whirling and pulling part of her into him, trying to survive.
Guinan concentrated on the image of his chest, trying to keep it expanded to allow the air in. She could feel him weakening, most likely from internal blood loss. She desperately hoped she could provide enough energy to compensate for the life that was ebbing out of him.
Jean-Luc's eyes opened with a start, darting around wildly as he sucked in a labored breath. She managed to put her other hand on his cheek. It was hard to make her body move, so lost was she in his being.
"It's okay. You're going to be all right. Just relax," she said, not sure if the thoughts had made it to her mouth or if they were taking a more direct route to him. She realized that somewhere along the way, the pain in her hand and the draining feeling had subsided. She guessed that meant he was stabilizing, having drawn enough energy to keep his body going.
Guinan could feel a subtle change in his emotions. He was less desperate, more centered. Small scraps of thoughts and memories accompanied the swirling bits of emotion in his being. She glanced into his eyes and found him staring directly back at her, not looking through them but seeing into her as she was seeing into him. Again she felt his warmth and caring. She wanted that to stay with her forever. His life force was so engulfing and vibrant even in his weakened condition.
And then he started to dematerialize.
"No!" she cried out on a shaky voice. "No, wait!" She panicked, feeling his life force leaving her, slipping away. She didn't know what a forced separation would do to either of them. She had never heard of it happening before. The transporter effects were blinding this close and she was forced to back away from him.
And then he was gone completely.
"No." She felt a cold, terrifying emptiness where he had been. She slid to the floor and curled her limbs tightly to her chest, lost in the tatters where her being left off and his had been.
* * *
Jean-Luc took a deep breath and opened the door to Guinan's bar. Most of the debris had been cleared away, although the hole in the ceiling had yet to be repaired. Arthur's was still closed and Guinan was sitting behind the bar, alone. Jean-Luc noticed that her skin was a bit ashen, not the warm, rich tone he was used to. She looked up at him and smiled weakly.
"Hello, Jean-Luc" she said simply. "How are you feeling?"
"Much better. And you?"
"Oh, I'm alright," she said, but her tone was non-committal.
Jean-Luc dusted off a stool and dragged it with him to sit across from her. He folded his hands in front of him on the bar and looked down. He wasn't sure how to say the things he was feeling or ask the questions that had been plaguing him during his recuperation in sickbay.
"What exactly was that? It appears you saved my life, but I have no idea how."
Guinan looked up at him, her head tilted. Jean-Luc was amazed at how large her eyes were. "My people have the ability to . . . heal, for lack of a better word. We have a way of sharing, what you might call our life force, with another being. It's sustaining when someone is seriously injured. Allows them to borrow enough energy to keep going in some cases. But it's very difficult and not undertaken lightly."
"Guinan, I saw things that I can't explain."
She nodded. "What you were seeing was a very basic part of me - the force that animates me. No one is sure exactly what it is, but you might even call it my soul. When an El-Aurian heals, both people see that part of each other."
Jean-Luc let that sink in. He was suddenly nervous about what she might have seen in him. He knew he had seen something beautiful in her, but he had no way of describing it. It was like seeing something inside of himself but apart from him somehow. "There were other things I saw. Fleeting images and ideas. I saw a narrow river lined with flowers. And some sort of small house."
"Yes. That's where I grew up on El-Auria. Sometimes during the healing process, words, thoughts, or memories can be passed between the two people. I'm sorry. I wouldn't have done it if I didn't feel it was necessary. It can be a very . . . intimate experience. I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable."
"No, no, that's not it," Jean-Luc said hastily. "Guinan, I don't understand exactly what happened. Part of me was so out of it, I can't separate what actually happened with what I think happened. But what I saw was beautiful. Who I saw was beautiful. And I want to understand that. The face I looked at was the most caring and gentle face I have ever seen. And I would be a fool to just turn away from that experience and not try to get to know that person."
"You do know that person. Now more than anyone else in the universe does."
"You've never healed before?" Jean-Luc asked.
"No. As I said, its something that's not taken lightly."
Jean-Luc was even more resolved in his reason for coming to see her. "Guinan, come with me, on the Stargazer."
Guinan smiled sadly and shook her head. "You don't have to do that. It really isn't necessary."
Jean-Luc paused, wanting very much to make her understand what he was feeling, but not knowing if he had the words to convey it. "I'm not asking out of some sense of indebtedness or obligation. I'm asking you to come with me because I want you to. I need you to. Being able to come here and talk to you each night was such a treasure, a relief. It's been a long time since I've had a friend to confide in. After meeting you, it finally occurred to me that I've been lonely. Guinan, I can't explain it, but I care for you more deeply than I would have thought possible. Even without knowing exactly what happened, I had this sense that you know me completely. I don't want to lose that."
He stopped, but she seemed to be waiting for him to continue. Somehow she knew there was more he needed to say.
"I'm sure this must sound selfish. You have a life here and I'm asking you to leave that behind for me. And I can't even offer you much in return."
"You've already offered me a great deal, Jean-Luc. If you're sure that's what you want, I'd be honored to accompany you."
"Yes, I'm sure." He reached out and took her hand in his. She squeezed it lightly.
The moment passed and Jean-Luc saw the impish twinkle in her eye. "You're lucky my people have an innate wanderlust," she said.
"Well, you're in the perfect company then. Starship captains suffer the same affliction."
Guinan released his hand and disappeared into the back room. "I can't think of a better reason to break open my last bottle of Chateau Picard," she said returning with the wine. She set the bottle down, removed the cork, and poured them each a glass.
"To many long years of friendship," Jean-Luc said.
Guinan smiled. "I think this counts as a little bit more than friendship."
"You're right." Jean-Luc thought for a moment, searching for the words to express the depths of the bond they seemed to share.
"To kindreds, then," Guinan offered.
"Yes. To kindreds," Jean-Luc said, touching her glass.
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knightshade
January 10, 2002