Disclaimer: I used to own supernatural, the boys, the Impala and everything else on the show. But then, the men in white gave me my meds and I had to take them.
Summary: In the freezing snow-covered night that is his life, a little boy keeps lighting matches one after the other to keep warm. But it's never enough. Sooner or later they all go out. Oneshot, Dean's POV. Inspired by Hans Zimmer's 'The Little Match Girl'.
A/N: This might just be the saddest thing I've ever written.
Rischt. Whoosh.
Life couldn't be better. He has a mom who loves him, a dad who'll play catch with him even when he's tired from work and a little baby brother who is the best thing in the world even though he doesn't do much except poop and cry and gurgle. Every day is a new adventure with pies made by mom and riding in the car with dad and trying to tech Sammy new things. It's all friends at the preschool and playing in the leaves and falling asleep cuddled up between Mom and Dad.
Except Dad sometimes goes away for some days and his phone-calls to Mom make her rub her eyes and blink a lot like they itch. Then there is fire and Mom is gone and they are now motherless and homeless, riding through the country in the Impala with a Dad who doesn't smile much, never plays catch and mostly smells of the big-people juice that he tried once and thought was nasty.
Fizzle.
Rischt. Whoosh.
Things are great. Sammy is growing like a weed and looks up to Dean, depending upon him to teach him new things, following his brig brother around like a puppy. And Dad tells him he's a big-boy now (Not in the patronizing way that adults often use, like when he used to hold up four fingers and say, "I'm not a baby. I'm four now."). Dad treats him like a big-boy, someone he could depend upon.
He has got the coolest Dad on the planet, a Dad who is a superhero who saves people's lives and someday he's going to be just like him. And he's doing a good job of it too. Dad tells him that every time they are training together, every time he shoots six cans of the fence with six shots. Dad is proud of him.
But then he screws up. Big time. He leaves Sammy alone for just a little bit and that almost gets him killed – killed – just because he is too scared to pull the trigger and even though Dad saves the day, things are just not the same anymore. Dad looks at him in this weird way now, the way that makes him look away from Dad's eyes and study his shoes. And then Dad doesn't say "Good Job, Dean" for a really, really long time.
Fizzle.
Rischt. Whoosh.
Dad might not trust him anymore but Sam still does. Still looks to him for advice, to show him the way. And after Sam discovers Dad's job, he gives Dean a token of his trust, his love. Dean promises himself then that he'd never break that trust, never lie to Sam. And he keeps that promise. Because his brother's trust isn't something he wants to lose.
And Dad not trusting him might not be all bad. As much as he hates being treated like a kid Dad leaves them with babysitters more and more often. Either that or with Pastor Jim or Bobby. And most of the times it's nice having an adult taking care of you, not having to worry about everything every second of every day. It leaves him free to do stuff he has always wanted, like going out with girls, hanging out with friends.
But he still misses Dad. Misses the good jobs that came with his training. Training is al business nowadays. And when Dad starts training Sam, he looks at Dean like it's his fault that he is being put through all this. And through it all Dad is coming home lesser and lesser, hardly ever coming home for holidays. And sometime when the money gets tight, it's up to Dean to pick up the slack. One day Sam and his friends see him working at the local grocery store. He doesn't know what was said afterwards, but suddenly he isn't Sam's cool big brother anymore. Sam is embarrassed by him, wants to spend as little amount of time with him as possible and definitely none in front of his friends. Before he knows it, Dad is hunting with Bobby two states away and Sam is having Thanksgiving dinner with another family while he is sitting alone in the motel room having canned soup and chicken sandwich.
Fizzle.
Rischt. Whoosh.
He has finally regained Dad's trust, finally proven himself worthy of going on hunts. And he is good at it. Ever since Dad judged Sammy to be old enough to be left alone (after all Sam was five years older that Dean the first time he had been left alone and he didn't have a baby to take care of), Dean has been joining Dad on hunts as long as they don't mess with his education.
And puberty, unlike most of his friends, had been kind to him. He knows he looks good growing up, and he knows how to use it. He has none of the teenage angst hounding him like Sam seems to. Life is good. He is going on hunts, saving people left and right. He has girls falling all over themselves wanting to be with him. He is like James Bond and has an attitude to match. He is living a life most of the kids his age only dream of. He is a hero.
It's just that he is a hero in his eyes only. Older hunters see him as a young upstart who should know his place in a hunt. Teachers and other authoritative figures see him as a juvenile delinquent. His peers pity him for not knowing parental love and affection. And Sam, well, Sam no longer looks up to him. He has got other role models now, those much greater and better than Dean. Sam has got bigger aims in his life than being just like his big brother. And then Sam goes missing and Dad comes home and all hell breaks loose and then they are driving to Flagstaff with him in the passenger seat sporting a black eye and a bruised jaw.
Fizzle.
Rischt. Whoosh.
Independence. Freedom. Things that he never thought he wanted but is glad to have nonetheless. He is finally stepping out of Dad's shadow. Granted that Dad still doesn't think he is old enough to go on hunts alone (he wouldn't pass for an FBI agent at the very least), but he does go on hunts with other hunters, with Bobby and Pastor Jim and Caleb. And they are coming to recognize him as a hunter in his own right, as someone to be respected and not just John Winchester's son.
And hunting is not the only thing he is free to do. Dad lets him out of his sight now, for days at an end. And soon he is going on road trips, and meeting girls at shady bars (like Lisa. Man, she was a bendy one) and hustling pool, earning his own keep. He is no longer a burden on Dad. Ever since he convinced his Dad to let him drop out and get his GED, he has been free. Free to go wherever he pleases.
Except, he has nowhere to go except home, where Dad and Sammy are always fighting, always tearing each-other to pieces. Dad blames him for Sam's attitude, for coddling him, being too soft on him and Sam accuses him of always taking Dad's side. He tries to keep the peace, but it's not enough, it's never enough and soon Sam and Dad have a huge fight that has Sam walking out of the door and out of their lives.
Fizzle.
Rischt. Whoosh.
He is a hunter now, a full-blown, self-sufficient hunter. Dad has been sending him on more and more solo-hunts and he has been doing an exemplary job at them. Other hunters are respecting him in his own right and it's good to know that Dad finally trusts him to be his own for most of the year. It's not like Dad needs him hanging around every day. He is being an adult now, and not just at hunt, at all other things in his life as well. He is getting into relationships. Serious, mature, adult relationships, like with Cassie. And Dad seems proud of him for having grown up so well. Dad seems happy without him.
That's all he has ever wanted, for people he loved to be happy. Sam is happy, judging by the few times he swings by to check on him. Ofcourse, Sam doesn't tell him as much, because Sam never answers his calls, but it's okay, because Sam wanted to be free from this life and he is now. And Dad couldn't be prouder of Sam for it. Dean hears it in his voice, every time they are on a hunt together (which, granted isn't much nowadays), when he is telling people about how well his younger son is doing. And that makes Dean think what Dad says about him when he is not around, which nowadays, is most of the year (Dean would later found out that many times in those years, John was with Kate and Adam Milligan, the family he had kept secret from Dean. And that made the light from the matchstick so much dimmer). Even though they don't see each-other much, Dad still checks in every few days, atleast twice a week, if only to give Dean the instructions for the next hunt. But all the time he isn't with him, Dad has to be thinking about him, telling everyone how proud he is of his eldest, right? Right?
Except, sometimes, Dad gets this irritated look in his eyes when Dean is with him, as if asking what is he still doing here. And then the phone calls get curter and curter and then they stop altogether for weeks. And then he has a Dad and a brother who won't answer his calls, who won't reply to his messages and then he is at his brother's doorstep, begging him for help. And Sam refuses to come with him, to give up his comfortable life and never once asks Dean to stay with him instead, to keep in touch, only to call him to tell if Dad was okay. The message was clear – Sam doesn't want Dean in his life.
Fizzle.
Rischt. Whoosh.
Sam may not want Dean in his life, but he sure needed him. Despite the tragedy that caused it, Dean is happy to be back with his brother. Happy to have a partner on the hunt. It's as if a lost part of him has been reunited after a long time. This is how it's supposed to be. Brother-in-arms, together on the road, saving people, hunting evil. He has been doing better at hunt with his brother's help than he had been ever before. He has put some very old demons he'd been carrying around at rest. And together they are getting closer and closer to finding the thing – the demon that killed Mom and Jess. And they are getting closer to finding Dad. And for the first time in a long time, he has so little to worry about.
Except, he doesn't. Sam is having this freaky visions and he doesn't know what's going on with him. And Sam has made it clear that he is only in this to find the demon (he's in this fro Jess, not for Dean). Finding the demon comes first and once he has found it and killed it, he'll leave again. Leave Dean behind again. Before he knows it, everything is falling apart. Dad is possessed and up close to him and telling him that he never cared about Dean, not as much as he cared about Sam. And even though Dean knows it to be true, it still hurts like hell. And then he is in the hospital, dying, and Dad saves him by giving his own life but not before laying the terrible burden of Sam's destiny upon him.
Fizzle.
Rischt. Whoosh.
Things are looking up a bit. His brother has finally decided to stick around for good, finally decided that being with Dean was worth it. And they are finding new friends – hunters – every day. Friends, who become like family. And they are slowly helping Dean fill the hole that his Dad left behind. And he realizes that he is not alone in this fight. These are people he can really count on.
And Sam, well, Sam is there for him. Through his own grief and fear of his destiny, Sam is there to help him cope with Dad's loss. Slowly, they are healing, together, with a promise made to each-other that they are their everything and they wouldn't lose that, not at any cost.
Except, Sam is taken from him and killed and he is so out of his mind with pain and grief that he sells his own soul for one year with Sam and then all of the Demon's plans come to a head and they end up unleashing a horde of demons from hell.
Fizzle.
Rischt. Whoosh.
Their quest is over. Their life-purpose has been fulfilled. The yellow-eyed demon is dead and their father is at peace. Sam is alive and well and free from his destiny and Dean doesn't have to worry about killing him anymore. He has one year to make the best of his life and he is going to do that by being brothers with Sam.
Except, Sam isn't acting like his brother and he is lying to Dean and keeping secrets and consorting with demons. And Dean is on his way to hell, where, after centuries of pain and suffering, he'll become one of the things he hunts. And the queen-bitch of hell has it out for them and before he knows it, he is being ripped apart by invisible jaws.
Fizzle.
Rischt. Whoosh.
He is alive again. He never expected to be saved. Never thought that he had been worth it, especially with what he had done in hell. But someone had though that he was worthy enough, that here was something salvageable within him. And it had been angels who saved him, no less. Angels, who had not set foot on earth for two thousand years had invaded the depths of hell to rescue him. Because they said that he was the only one who could stop the apocalypse. It is his destiny. And it makes him feel special. Like he matters for more than just following Dad's orders and taking care of Sam. As broken as he is from hell, he will find himself again, he will be strong again and he will rise to the occasion this time.
And Sam. His brother who loved him had been destitute without him. But now they were reunited. Even through the looming apocalypse, Dean found himself feeling hope, because his brother was with him and there was nothing they couldn't accomplish together.
But it's all an illusion. All fake. HE was the one who started the apocalyose with his weakness. The angels are lying dicks who want the apocalypse to happen, to destroy the world and billions of lives, just to remake it all in their own image. Castiel, the one decent angel among the lot, is floundering between his faith and the right thing to do. His father's memory, the one thing he had always relied on for strength, is further tarnished by revelations of his deceit and betrayal. How he had another family, another son whom he loved, apparently, enough to try and keep him safe. Giving him the joyful moments of him actually being a father, not just a drill sergeant. Giving them everything that was denied to Dean. And Sam is so far away from him that he doesn't even see him anymore. Sam was lying and sleeping with demons and drinking demon blood. Sam, who had once looked up to him, now thought that he was weak and pathetic and useless. Before long, Sam beats him to a bloody pulp, chooses a demon over his own brother and walks out on him to open the gates of Lucifer's cage.
Fizzle.
Rischt. Whoosh.
The apocalypse is upon them, but they can survive it. Together they can save the world. All that the team-free will has to do is remain adamant in their resolution to deny the angels their vessels.
Things are not so bad. Sam realizes the value of Dean in his life now, realizes how much his brother means to him and is doing everything he can to prove it to Dean. And even they are losing friends left and right, even though it all seems hopeless, Dean believes that they can make it. Because Sam loved him more than anything gin the world and that was all that mattered.
But does he? The go to heaven and Dean realizes that he is not that important in Sam's life after all. Once again Sam just needs him to get his own redemption, and he'd be too weak to get it without him. There is no God and no hope and they lose their younger brother once more. Then Sam says yes and Dean watches his life fall away into the hole.
Fizzle.
Rischt. Whoosh.
Everything is fine in the world. Well, it's not, but it will be. He is sure of that. Hi brother loved him. Truly and deeply. Loved him enough to be able to pull himself from Lucifer's grasp and sacrifice himself for Dean. And now, peace reigns in Dean's life. He is with Lisa and Ben, people he thinks might actually give him a real, normal, happy family. And it's not like Sam is lost forever. Dean will find a way to get him back. He is on it right now.
Then Sam comes back, but not quite right and he finds out that Sam and Bobby have been kying to him for a whole year and Sam is hunting with a strangely suspicious bunch. And his new family is in danger and he can't protect them by going away. And now he is torn on what to do.
Fizzle.
Rischt. Whoosh.
Maybe he could have it all. Maybe it was possible after all. Maybe he could have family and friends and love along with hunting, dong something that mattered to the world. Sam was back with him He had met his long-lost cousins. Bobby, his father-figure, was free from his crossroads deal. And Castiel still dropped by from time to time for a visit. Even though the monsters were acting strange and he had no idea who brought Sam and his grandfather back, everything looked like it would be just fine.
But Castiel only drops by when he needs something, something to help him in his war. And Bobby is lying to him and telling him to stop bitching because he doesn't have time for Dean's issues. And Sam doesn't have a soul and they are working for demons and Lisa has finally kicked him out and his new family thinks he is a poor loser who wouldn't make it as a hunter without his brother saving his ass. And he has lost his edge. He knows that. He is so lost and confused nowadays, being pulled every which way, from trying to stay stoic about Lisa, to trying not to worry about Sam. From trying to trust Bobby again to trying to figure out what the Campbells were up to. And his soulless brother is no making it any easier. The secrets and the lies and the manipulations have reached a whole different level. Between keeping an eye out for Sam to watching his back against the monster and his brother to keeping an eye out for Crowley to keeping his world from falling apart around him, Dean doesn't know how to be a good hunter any more.
Fizzle.
"What's up with you?" Sam asked, looking quizzically at Dean.
"What do you mean?" Dean said without taking his eyes off the road.
"It's just, you have been smiling ever since we left." Sam replied. "What have you got to be so happy about?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" Dean answered. "I was awesome in the last case, nailed that sucker and saved your ass. And Bobby thinks he might have a lead on how to get your soul back. You still want your soul back, right Sam?"
"Yeah." Sam replied, cautiously, as if it was a trick question. "But Dean, in case you didn't notice, our lives kind of suck right now. Especially yours, since I can't feel the suckage. Lisa dumped you, you are stuck with a soulless brother who can throw you to the wolves any moment and you are working for demons. It's just irrational to be so happy."
"Just let it be Sam." Dean said, tiredly. "Who know how many matches I have left?"
"What does that even mean?"
This Sam had no chance of getting it. The old Sam might have, but this one – not a chance. Dean knew that he was only tiring himself out, lighting matches of hope over and over again, trying to find happiness in this dark and cold world. And he hadn't been able to ever keep them lit long enough to hold on to what little he had ever gotten, they had always slipped from his grasp. But maybe, just maybe, if his brother gets his soul back again, he'd use up the rest of them to keep this light going. He wondered sometimes if it'd be easier jus to let the light go out, accept that there was no possibility of a happy ending for him. Accept it like so many hunters before him had. But right now, he'd somehow managed to light another match and he'd keep it going as long as he could.
"Nothing." Dean answered. "Just trying to be poetic."
There it is. Review please.