Title: Life is about making the right decisions and moving on
Author: firstflier
Rating: T – adult themes implied
Length: 1,254 words
Summary: 'Don't look behind you. Just do as I do. Then if you're lucky your shadow won't find you.'
Author's Note: I don't really know what happened. I heard this song and the fic came to life. Sort of. I think it loses momentum but I wanted to post it anyway. I have an idea for a multi-chap story (it's not all super-angst like this I promise!) but I wanted to get a feel for this style before I committed myself. Concrit is greatly appreciated!
Life Is About Making The Right Decisions And Moving On
Don't look behind you.
He sits next to her in the back of the limo and he doesn't know what to say.
For the first time in his life there is nothing witty or sarcastic or clever or comforting that can help. Pepper sits with her head in her hands and her hair is like a fiery curtain covering her tear stained face. She stares unseeingly at the traffic and scenery buzzing angrily past the window and Tony wants to just reach out and take her hand.
He wants to tell her that it's okay. He wants to tell her that it isn't her fault. But most of all he wants to tell her that he still loves her.
Regardless of what has happened.
Regardless of the fact that she just blew up a government building in order to save him.
Regardless of the fact that the resulting explosion killed three people.
He wants to hold her and kiss her and make her believe him. He wants to fix this damaged woman but she is untouchable and unreachable. So he watches her in silence and listens to her dry, heaving sobs as she stares out the window. Her breath shudders in and out of her body and it sounds so painfully loud in the silence between them. He watches her carefully; like she could break at any moment and he wonders whether she already has.
He knows for a fact that his heart is breaking with every whimper falling from her lips.
There are no words forming in his mind but there are so many things he wants to say; so many things that will remain unsaid as the chasm grows wider with every passing moment.
When Happy stops the car inside Tony's garage, Pepper leaps from her seat, scrambles out the door and races up the stairs towards the main house. Tony sits in the back of the limo blinking for a few long moments. He isn't entirely sure what just happened but as he steps out of the car he can feel his knees go weak with anticipatory dread.
He finds Pepper hauling up the contents of her stomach in one of the downstairs bathrooms.
Tony feels awkward and helpless and, as she rests her face against the cold metal of the cistern, he can't bear to look at her. The image is far too soul destroying; it's Pepper Potts crumbling and he doesn't know what that means. His whole world has just shifted because now Pepper isn't his rock any more. It feels like she's slipping further and further away; sinking down in the quick sand.
What's even worse is that she doesn't seem to be fighting very hard to stay above the surface.
"Just don't...don't think about it. It happened and there's nothing either of us can do to change that. For what it's worth I'm sorry you had to do that. But seriously, Pepper, don't look behind just look ahead. Trust me; that's what I do." His words come out a jumble and he knows that what he is asking her to do is impossible; as hard as he tries, he can't forget about the faces of innocent women and children that have been lost in the line of duty. Their faces haunt him every day and yet here he is, barely 12 hours after the incident, and he's asking her to just move on. He knows that asking her to just forget about it is callous and not at all appropriate and he knows that running from what has happened will be worse in the long run but if she can just escape for a few hours it will be enough.
He doesn't want to watch her fall apart on his bathroom floor. He's a selfish bastard but he doesn't think his heart can take it.
She eventually turns those bottomless, glassy blue eyes on him and he sucks in a sharp breath at the emotion he finds swimming there. Her face is pale and sickly looking, her hair is limp against her neck but her eyes hold him captive. He wants to look away more than he's wanted anything in his entire life but she's merciless and her stare keeps him rooted to the spot. She wants comfort and understanding and empathy and he's not sure he understands any of those concepts enough to actually be of any use to her.
Her lower lip starts trembling and something snaps.
He does the only thing he knows he is good at; he hauls her to her feet and presses his lips against hers.
There is a brief moment of hesitation and then she is tangling her hands in his hair and pulling hard – too hard – and she's walking them backwards, out of the bathroom and towards the nearest guest room.
He keeps his kisses gentle and rubs soothing circles against her hips but this isn't what she wants and it's not what's going to happen. She tries to force the kiss into something much darker and much more terrifying but Tony has always been quite good at control in this aspect of his life.
He doesn't expect her vicious bite so when her teeth bite down his moment of surprise makes it shamefully easy for her to shove her tongue down his throat.
He should have guessed; she's always the one that's in charge and it's not going to be any different in the bedroom.
He follows her lead (this is about her after all) and, although it's not quite what he imagined for the two of them, it's Pepper and that's more than enough for him. At least whilst he is holding her she isn't flying apart and really, what more could he ask for?
There you are with your head in your hands
Images flash past the window
And you know you must move on
Cause what's done is done
Don't look behind you
Just do as I do
Then if you're lucky
Your shadow won't find you
Don't look behind you
Just do as I do
Keep straight on it's the only way I know
Afterwards, he rolls to his side and listens to her breathing. It's getting cold without her warmth and he is suddenly very aware of his nudity. It seems she is too because she has the covers pulled up to her chin and is blinking very, very slowly. This time, when she gets up to leave, it's nothing like her scramble from the car. She swings her slim legs over the side of the bed and raises with more grace than Tony can even imagine possessing. She pulls her underwear on and walks around the bed, modesty be damned apparently.
He sits up in bed and watches with alarm as she gathers the rest of her clothes.
"Pepper?"
She pauses for the briefest of seconds and he watches the muscles in her back tense.
"Pepper, talk to me."
The sheet curls around his hips as he props himself up on his elbows. She doesn't stop her evacuation plan and his alarm explodes into full blown panic.
"Pepper. Please."
She pulls on her jeans and leaves through the open bedroom door. He hates that she decides now is the best time to start listening to him; she doesn't even glance over her shoulder at him.
And he can't even be angry because that's what he's been telling her and teaching her to do his entire life.
Just do as I do.
Don't look behind you.
&&Fin.