Author's Note: The following was written as a response to the BSG episode "Taking a Break from all Your Worries." I was just musing on what Felix Gaeta's big secret could be and came up with this. The POV switches from chapter to chapter, so just watch out for that. Oh... and there are time jumps and flashbacks... anyways: Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, yadda yadda. ;)

Felix opened his eyes as the soft patter of the guard's footsteps returned. The warm smell of a spicy meal from the cafeteria greeted his nose, and he sat up on his cot. He rubbed his hands together nervously as the man brought in the tray of food- it was the same fellow he'd tried to convince just a day earlier to let him in to see Dr. Baltar. Too bad the fellow had actually agreed. Too bad he had actually decided to let him in after all... only to see that Baltar was trying to kill himself. Too bad it hadn't worked.

The lieutenant bitterly reflected on the President's awful plan. He was a carrot. He was Baltar's trusted friend. Bull shit. He wanted to kill him more than anyone else, and they were fools if they didn't think so. He also paused to remember the disrespectful way in which everyone addressed him.

Mr. Gaeta.

When had they agreed that his rank was no longer necessary in addressing him? He called Laura Madame President- at least to her face. Madame Airlock was the popular nick name around the fleet.

How long would they keep him down here, he wondered. A day? Two days? It couldn't be long until they realized how much he contributed to this fleet. Maybe then they would realize- when the cylon baseships suddenly arrived in their midst and they needed an outrageous jump to be planned- or perhaps they would realized they needed him to plot the way to Earth.

It could only be so long.

He managed to show a grateful smile to the guard. "Thanks..."

A pregnant pause.

"You wouldn't happen to have a cigarette, would you?"

Back on New Caprica I felt at home. I wanted so badly for it to be my home- the home of humanity, despite all of its flaws. We had animals for food, water all around, schools, farms. It should have been a pleasant place to live, and it would have been if the cylons hadn't invaded.

Now Baltar spends his time cowering behind his desk, rather than spreading his seed. Perhaps it was better that they did come.

Despite my initial fears though, the cylons did seem very positive about working with us. The centurions were the hardest to accept- the armored machines with their fluorescent red search lights- eyes. Who knew when they were watching?

Perhaps I was the most shocked when Aaron Doral, who once led tours on Galactica, walked in to demand our surrender, a smug grin tucked into those deep dimples. A six model- Shelley Godfrey, I assumed- was staring at Baltar, and Aaron made eye contact with me, his brows lifting up in surprise, almost playfully- mockingly. Was it the same man I had known a year ago? Had it only been that long? It felt like ages. And then there was Boomer. Sweet Boomer who had dragged me out onto the dance floor on Cloud 9 to dance with her. I shut my eyes.

I turned away and watched our president surrender us. Lambs to the slaughter. Or so I thought.

The transition was forcibly peaceful. The Galactica crew members spread throughout the colony were of course organizing a resistance. I knew it all along. So I had to remain by the President. I would get information from him, and we could all get out of this mess. How was I to know that he was friends with them?... But then...How was I any different?

I am afraid. Very afraid by what this all could mean. I had close associations with at least two of the cylons. Am I a traitor, too?

Am I a traitor if I do care about them?... In some way, I feel they aren't so different from us.

Or maybe I'm just not so different from them.

Felix sighed softly as his eyes fluttered open and his body brushed up against his bed fellow. A smile jerked his lips upward, and he rolled onto his side to get a better look at his companion. There was a bit of an age difference between them, but at this point, Felix hardly cared. Besides, seven years wasn't too much of a gap. They were still in the same generation. They still shared so many commonalities. Well, sort of.

Aaron was in Public Relations, and Felix was in Communications. So technically they were one in the same. Both of them were heard by large amounts of people every day- but Aaron actually liked people, and Felix did not. Perhaps that was why they worked so well. By nature, Aaron was a jealous man, and Felix tended to prefer long bouts of solitude. Aaron never had to worry about Felix being unfaithful, and Felix could be alone when Aaron went out to do his job- frequently running into Felix in the process.

They'd been seeing each other for a year and a half now, officially. Before that point there had been squandered dinner dates and casual text messaging- each of them unsure of the other. But Felix had finally gotten up the nerve to force Aaron to lunch one day, and they had hardly separated since.

Felix absently toyed his fingers through the man's thinning hair, chuckling a little at his charming imperfections. It made up for everything else, at least. The deep dimples, the crystal blue eyes, his funny sucked-in lip smile. On a rare occasion, Felix could provoke him to show his teeth in a grin- but more frequent were the cocked eyebrows and the cheshire smirks he received from across the command center when their paths crossed on the Galactica.

Aaron had never expected the lieutenant to actually pursue the relationship they'd tried to establish, Felix knew that much. He remembered the shocked expression that had crossed the PR officer's face when he had grabbed his arm in the hallway and hijacked him from his set schedule. Felix had taken him to the small restaurant that had been established near the museum gift shop, and they finally were able to talk properly, without the pressures of life interrupting them for at least an hour.

A cleverly concealed meeting in the bathroom had led them to their first kiss. Felix had bolted the doors, catching Aaron completely unaware after he had completed his business and washed his hands. The older man had been drying his hands under the blowers, and Felix had simply tapped his shoulder, waited for him to turn, closed the distance, and pressed his lips to his. It had been simple, but Felix could remember the burn of his cheeks as well as he could remember the embarrassment that had followed when Dee had asked him why there were wet hand prints on the shoulders of his uniform coat. She'd suspected foul play- but she hardly knew how foul.

Now, as the man at his side stirred, Felix wondered how much longer they could hide their relationship. Of course, no one ever paid much attention to his actions or where he went during his off periods. No one paid any attention to him at all.

Aaron Doral scrunched his nose up into his closed eyes, stretching enthusiastically with his arms down at his sides, his toes curled and pointing towards the wall. He sighed and relaxed again, his eyes slowly peeling open to glance up fondly at his younger companion. "Good morning, tiger." He purred, a leprechaun look in his eyes- somehow they looked green in the darker lighting. Without missing a beat, Aaron sat up on his elbows, lifting his head to steal a little kiss to start his day off right. "How long have you been staring at me? You should quit that, you know? My ears were starting to burn."

Felix chuckled, returning the peck affectionately. His dark eyes glittered happily, and he slowly sat up, still ducking some to spare his head a nasty collision with the ceiling. Top bunks were a bitch. "I think the correct expression involves ears burning when someone is talking about you. But I suppose thinking is close enough, right?" He fished around the twisted covers for his boxers. "Only a few minutes, though, and its my favorite thing to do, so stop trying to steal the pleasure out of my life."

Doral snorted, offering up the boxers from his side of the cramped compartment. "I think that you know, as I do, that I'm the only one putting any into it..." The comment, tuned into both a seductive and playful melody, earned him a small kiss as a reward. Maybe it had just been for the boxers. Aaron watched as Felix manipulated his body into the underwear, and sat up to grab his sides, ceasing his movements all together. Their lips met again, more hungrily this time, each searching for something that might hold them over for the next time they would get such an opportunity to meet.

It was Felix who pulled back, smiling sheepishly as Aaron's fingers twisted through his garden of curls. "C'mon, Aaron... we need to get ready. Your people are coming aboard early today, and I need to get my hair cut before the ceremony this afternoon. I can't believe we're finally sending this old bucket into retirement... But maybe they'll finally promote me to something more... technologically advanced." He chuckled a little, still slightly bitter that all of his struggles through military school had only earned him a place on the Galactica- practically the joke of the fleet. "Who knows where they'll send me... but anything is up from here."

"Technology, eh? Yeah, this place really doesn't have much of that... You know, every time those tours come through they are just shocked that we're not networked. I think it's ridiculous, too, but your Commander is just as old as this thing and has no taste for the tides of change. The Secretary of Education, Laura Roslin, has come up to try and convince Adama to let them network the computers so it'll be easier when the field trips start coming here... meh... I hope I'm not around for that. I hate bratty kids." Aaron fumbled regretfully with his pants, watching as Felix slipped out of the compartment and into the open. Everyone else was already bustling about. "Anyways, better just let him get off the bird before they make any changes."

Felix nodded his head, knowing that was a valid point. He helped Aaron clamber down in front of him, trading kisses as they took turns helping each other get dressed. A tank top here, a dress shirt, a tie, socks, jackets, shoes... Many kisses. "Aaron, when am I going to see you again?"

The question lingered in the air for a little while, both of them highly aware how uncertain the answer would be. Felix Gaeta would be transferring to another vessel all together, or, worse, put in a desk position down on Caprica. Aaron would remain doing public relations for the retired Battlestar until he was needed elsewhere. "I'll make time, that's all I can say... and I'll figure out how to get where you are, okay?" He put a hand on Felix's shoulder, a demeaning gesture that Felix hated– a gesture that Aaron was used to handing out. He sighed apologetically and pulled his hand back, scooping up the lieutenant's instead. "Gods, Felix, I don't know. Is that what you want to hear? Just trust me. I'm going to find you again..."

Finally, after forcing himself to swallow the answer, Felix nodded. He sighed and embraced the other man, the most intimate of their gestures. "Well, I'll see you after the ceremony before you go... Good luck."

Lingering there together a moment more, they exchanged a final kiss, and walked out the doors to their uncertain futures.

I had never expected to see him again. He was just how I remembered, though his eyes carried all of the burdens in the world. Deep bags darkened his already tanned skin, and the color, though dark by nature, seemed sallow and sickly. His hair had grown from its cropped roots, delivering soft curls to soften his serious features.

I saw him walking- quickly, with purpose... and I could only shake, torn by the grief and misunderstanding that had surrounded our separation. I wanted to go to him, to try and explain.

I'm sorry this was how I was created, my dear Felix. I'm sorry that I don't have a soul in your eyes, but I do feel. And I feel the most strongly for you.

Will you ever be able to understand that?

My God, will you ever be able to understand?

He wanted to vomit, a sensation that he couldn't quite remember having. The radiation caused his eyes to sting and his head to ache worse than he'd ever known. The heart ache was something else, but he wasn't sure if the radiation was making that more severe too. Maybe it was just the idea that he would never see the charming lieutenant again, or that somehow he knew he had failed him. He had never meant to.

Doral kicked a foot out against the toolboxes of supplies that the Galacticans had left for him, bitterly facing the fact that he didn't need food or water to survive. How could this be happening to him? He wasn't a cylon... but deep down he knew it was true. Mission to the forefront. Collect information, unaware that you're even doing it. Make friends, relationships, simulate a normal life. Never know that you are- what? Not real? Not alive?

"I am alive." He mumbled weakly to the ghosts that stalked around the area. He couldn't see them. Perhaps they couldn't see him either, if he didn't have a soul. "I am alive." But that didn't make sense. If his body was synthetic, if his mind had been made by man, where did he exist in the gods' plan? He didn't. How could he share the same build as the clunky killing machines that were modeled on Galactica?

He stood up and paced, wishing away the searing pain in his body. That was real. He could feel the pain. He could feel hurt. He wasn't a cylon. He was human, and the radiation was just affecting him in a peculiar way. Radiation was bad for everyone.

But not this bad.

What about his days at the Kobal colleges? His college years were fresh on his mind, even after graduating over decade ago. He remembered his Gemenese professors with their staunch conservatism- how their arguments had shifted some of his own.

And Oasis? He remembered his parents taking him there every summer to visit. He had been born there, and the little cottages they rented were so quaint. It was a nice change from the slums of Caprica City. It was a nice escape for all of them- a short summer vacation.

What was real from his past? Were the mother and father he knew just made up memories placed in his brain? How was that possible, anyways? He had pictures.

He had pictures...

Aaron shivered again and retook his seat, hands crossing over his middle as he rocked. It was a numbing motion, soothing. It reminded him of his mother's rocking chair- of her sweet perfume and the angelic sound of her voice. Blueberry pie baking in the oven, the smell of the crisp crust turning the small apartment into a bakery. A wonderful bakery. He loved blueberry pie.

The taste of pumpkin soup, infused with squash, and peppered with thin strips of bacon. Pepper. Spice. Warm smells, and Felix's shampoo.

Felix.

Aaron moaned into his hands, rubbing his face angrily as he tried to understand this plan he was a part of. A plan that involved the destruction of everything and everyone he had ever loved and everyone who had ever loved him. His face was wet with tears and sweat, and all around him the heat closed in like a sauna with too many coals. The overwhelming need to vomit pushed up against his throat, and he gagged.

The taste of bile stuck on his teeth, and he wavered unsteadily for a moment. A hot smell of stink hitting him.

What had he done? When had he done it?

Waking up in those strange places aboard Galactica. Sleep walking, Aaron, that's all it is. There's nothing wrong with you. Oh, Felix!

A refrain of loud gunshots startled him, and he glanced up at the sealed doorway. There was a hiss of air as the metal doors opened, a flash of blinding light that hurt his eyes, but he couldn't look away. Two metallic centurions were marching in upon him, their legs whooshing and humming- guns swiveling on their arms. Fear welled up in the pit of his stomach, twisting and churning the already treacherous fluids inside him.

And there he was, striding towards him, followed by a blonde woman, and then there was another flash of blonde. A group of clones. A scruffy man, two, three of them. And himself at the forefront. He was standing in front of him, and Aaron blinked in disdain, in disbelief for a moment. They were going to kill him. No. They wanted information. They questioned his sickly appearance in their eyes.

We need to get out of here. The radiation is affecting our silica pathways.

Silica pathways? What were those?

Where did they go?

I don't know. They were planning a big jump.

Take me to them. Please. Get me out of here. Save me. Take me home. Please. Back to Felix. Please. Please. Please.

They began to file out. Aaron walked in the middle of them back to their ship, and the other copy of himself put a hand on his shoulder. "Welcome back, brother. Everything's going to be all right now." His dimpled smile revolted him, but he managed to mimic it perfectly, despite the sweat melting his face.