AN: This little fluff bunny came on after a hard day at work. It demanded I get it out. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood. Never have. Never will. Would be nice if I did.
To have lived so many lifetimes.
Some would think it was a literal God's gift, the best thing to ever happen to anyone. To stay young and beautiful forever, how many fairytales envisioned that very quest and desire. How many societies in the universe had their version of beings or creatures that could outlast time and beat death.
Time. The thing everyone seemed to be running from but couldn't escape.
Sure he had the amazing fortune of meeting so many wonderful, incredible, beautiful people, all from different walks of life, from different galaxies and times. There were times it was thrilling. Never knowing what or who he was going to run into around the next bend. It certainly kept him on his toes, always guessing and wondering. That was one of the benefits of living forever.
To live forever was to have endless wonder. What people don't realize is how heartbreaking forever can be. How lonely it was, incredibly lonely. He was always lonely.
Granted you wouldn't usually guess that was the case by just looking at him. He was a master at masking emotions. It was a skill he had developed into an art over his many millennia with the Time Agency. There were those days he was genuinely happy and in blissful spirits and it wasn't like those days were far and few between. Sometimes though, the loss was overwhelming until eventually it's just numbing.
The first death of someone he loved was the worst and most wretched feeling he had ever experienced – until the second and the third then the fourth, fifth, sixth...thousandth.
A thousand deaths.
It was impossible for a mortal to comprehend having experienced a thousand personal deaths of loved ones, friends, lovers, or family. That wasn't even including the tragedies of countless courageous and humble strangers. Not counting the amount of soldiers lost at war or to natural disasters or sickness.
A thousand deaths.
Each that he knew personally, that had a name and place in his life. In his heart. The pain of that feeling impossible to explain adequately, if at all.
He stopped counting and keeping track of the deaths at a thousand.
Anyone that goes through something like that eventually starts to close off their emotions, becomes incredibly guarded and weary of allowing in strangers. Allowing strangers to nestle a way into ones heart was only asking for pain. Inevitable and incurable pain – because they couldn't escape time. Every person he met would eventually grow old and die, and he would watch, staying as young and beautiful as ever. To carry the memory of that person through unimaginable lifetimes and worlds.
Every now and then though he would meet someone so brilliant that he had to open up and let them in. Being constantly heartbroken was far better than being alone forever. Sometimes even after letting someone in he still felt lonely. The loss of so many souls permeating through his heart, leaving a ever growing hole of emptiness and loss each time someone passed on without him.
It was a cross he had to bear in trade for immortality.
It wasn't a gift. It was a terrible curse. One of those cautionary tales to use when reminding someone to be careful what they wish for. When decades start to blur you know you have lived to long.
He cheated death every day and he regretted it.
He didn't regret the people or the memories. He regretted having to live with the constant loss. He would never truly be at peace.
There were some bad days in his past as well, were countless, endless, and increasingly creative suicide attempts would be made. Those were the darkest days, thankfully those were far and few between. It was those days though that made him want to close off to the worlds for the rest of…well forever.
But after awhile of being lonely you reach out. You have to. You can't survive forever alone.
So when he met someone as stunning and captivating as Gwen Cooper or Ianto Jones – well people like them made it easy to open up to all that pain again. They made their inevitable heartbreaking loss a reasonable trade for having them in his life if only for the blink of an eye. They shined a ray of bright happy love and acceptance into his existence. They made forever worth it.
All good things come to an end. Eventually.
He knew down the line his beautiful Gwen and Ianto would die. He knew there would be tears and anger. He knew he would be back to being lonely again for a little while.
Deep inside he was curious how long he could keep going like this, as if he had a choice. It was a matter of when and not if he reached his limit and just snapped from the weight of it all. He was positive that one day his mind would slip away from him. He wondered if his crazy would be peaceful and pensive or if it would be violent, and in the words of an old friend maybe he would rage his way into oblivion.
For now he would just enjoy this. Enjoy them and the little bit of life they had left. Enjoy them together.
These memories would last lifetimes beyond their grave. Their smiles would live on for ages in his memory. Their touch would linger long after they were dust.
For now he still had time with them. For now he could enjoy forever.