Emmett’s Church Standup Comedy Show

by Besks

The Cullens Attend Bella's funeral in Forks. Emmett steals the show with his eulogy for Bella's humanity. Bella thinks it funny, Edward not so much. Don t worry it gets funny.This is the good one read it. E/B AU

Thank you to these wonderful beta's izzzyy and Reamhar.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. SM does but one can dream…(and if one is going to dream; dream big.) Oh to be SM.

Emmett's Stand-up Comedy Show

EPOV

The sun was shining brightly, paying homage to Bella's love of it, on the morning of her funeral. Alice had seen, in a vision, that the usual rain clouds would cover Forks, Washington two hours before the funeral was to start. Of course she was correct.

I pushed harder on the gas pedal taking the Volvo up to 140 mph. My family and I would make it to the church just a few minutes before the ceremony started. Their minds were preparing for the funeral. They knew we would be the center of everyone's gossip. We had not been in Forks since the week of Bella's eighteenth birthday. The Cullens were usually the center of attention and we were used to it.

I pulled in and parked near the back of the lot before walking slowly toward the church. I ignored the rest of my family and their sympathetic thoughts, as they climbed out of my Volvo and the Mercedes Carlisle had driven. They protectively surrounded me as I walked into the church.

The humans thought we looked like runway models as we walked in. Alice had dressed us all in Calvin Klein in various shades of black and grays today, with my suit being the blackest. Black on black - black suit, black shirt, black tie, black shoes and black sunglasses, all matching my black eyes.

I stood at the back of the church staring at the coffin at the front. My jaw tightened.

My love was dead. I had left my heart with her and now they were both gone. I had to hold myself together. I could not break down here.

I can do this. I thought as I prepared myself to walk to the front of the building through the gauntlet of accusing thoughts being hurled at me. I will do this and then I will die. I thought. I had no idea how I would die but I knew I would. I had to. I was finished with this existence. I could not live with myself after letting this happen to her. I could not exist without her. Alice couldn't stop me. None of them could. I would end it if it took me a hundred years.

First I would memorialize her, then I would avenge her death, and finally I would die. Or whatever vampires do. Would Bella and I be together in death?

I couldn't believe this had happened. She died despite my efforts, in spite of our miserable separation. I should have known better, of course, she was the most accident-prone person I had ever known. If I could only go back I would change her in a heartbeat. I would do anything to have her alive now. To be able to hold her one more time. To take back my damning lie.

The thing worse than her death was that she had died without knowing I loved her. She died before I could come back and tell her that my existence did not matter without her. She had died thinking…what? That I had gotten tired of her? That she was a distraction? That thought caused me physical pain in my chest.

Alice was by my side now, her inner voice prodding me forward. Let's go, Edward. I still can't see anything - something or someone is blocking me. It was one of the first logical things she had thought in hours. She had been blaming herself for Bella's death. Why didn't I see this? Why didn't I see this? Alice had been chanting in her head for hours.

I had seen the images in Jasper's mind on the drive from the airport to Forks. Sixteen hours ago Alice had seen a brief vision. She had gone into hysterics. Jasper held her in his arms, trying to calm her, as she rocked back and forth. She finally whispered, "Bella's funeral," through clinched teeth. The entire household froze.

Then Carlisle left the house and called Charlie, who confirmed that Bella was dead. They discussed how to tell me. Carlisle began to dial but Alice had taken the phone from him.

She had called me. I was curled up in an attic in Brazil, trying to forget the most perfect face in the world, with a perfect vampire memory that refused to let me. Alice told me to meet her at Sea-Tac Airport. She wouldn't tell me why, only that Bella had been hurt. If I had known Bella was dead I wouldn't have come back and she knew it.

I had heard the anguish in her voice when she said, "We shouldn't have left, Edward."

I had been at the airport in Rio within minutes, my head full of unanswered questions. What had hurt her? How badly had she been hurt?

I paid a corrupt Brazilian official fifty thousand dollars to procure a private jet for me without having to wait for a pilot and the usual procedures before take off. He thought I was a smuggling drugs. I did not care.

My entire family was waiting for me in Seattle when I arrived and were obviously upset. At first I did not notice that no one let me into his or her thoughts because I was so wrapped up in my own. They lead me to a private lounge. Alice asked me to change and handed me a garment bag.

They all surrounded me as Carlisle told me the news. I surprised everyone including myself. I was calm. I felt numb. Dead.

"How?" I asked but they just shook their heads sorrowfully.

Then their thoughts flooded over me.

I can't believe she's dead… Emmett.

She was my best friend…Alice.

Poor kid. Rosalie.

I fell to my knees with my hands over my ears as if I could shut out their thoughts.

Esme pulled me into her arms and we sobbed together. We love you. We love you. She repeated the words over and over. Everyone silently melted away, walking to the cars. Only Carlisle stayed, kneeling next to us, comforting me with his thoughts. When I finally felt like I could breathe again. I stood.

"We should go, if we are going to make it to the funeral," Carlisle said.

Now standing in the church we were all determined to find out who or what had done this to Bella. Jasper's money seemed to be on Victoria.

All I could do was wallow in self-misery as I propelled myself to the front of the building toward the casket surrounded by flowers and memories. I knew could never forgive myself.

Oh he looks so sad… Angela thought. He looks like he still loves her? Then why did he leave?

There's Cullen! What a jerk! …Mike Newton. How dare he look so sad?

He's so stuck up!

How dare he show his face here after what he did to her? There were images bombarding me in all directions now, of Bella happily on my arm at the prom. Then, after I left, of her changing - loosing weight, her hair hanging limply, her eyelids swollen from crying.

I cringed visibly as my self-loathing grew infinitely.

Bella holding her arms tightly across her middle. Bella riding a motorcycle. Bella in the ER. Bella refusing to listen to music. The memories seemed to go on forever. I looked to my right; to see whose mind these memories were in. A pair of hate-filled, deep brown eyes stared back at me. They belonged to her friend from La Push, Jacob Black, who now smelled exactly like a werewolf!

My family smelled the wolf at the same time. They all turned to stare at Jacob.

Did he kill her? All of their minds asked me at once. Only Emmett asked the question aloud as he took a menacing step toward Jacob.

Jacob turned away from us his fist clinching in his lap. He wanted to fight us but not here. He blamed us for her death. His werewolf memories went to the day she died. Bella was standing in our meadow with Laurent when the wolf pack had arrived. "Edward, I love you!" she said just as Laurent bit her. Then the pack had attacked him and ripped him to shreds.

I winced as the scene of her death played out for me.

"No," I answered their thoughts in a voice only vampires and werewolves could hear. "He tried to save her."

My family and I nodded to him.

He refused to acknowledge us staring stubbornly ahead.

My family fell back a few steps as I approached the casket.

Before I knew it I was at Bella's side for the last time. Reaching into the coffin to take her lifeless hand in mine, I noticed it was no longer warm but now was the same temperature as mine. I raised it to my lips as I stared at her.

She was a magnificent corpse. My perfect vampire memory had not done her justice. She was even more beautiful than I remembered. Her luscious dark hair framed her heart shape face and contrasted beautifully with her skin, which was paler than ever. She was dressed in the blue dress Alice had picked out for her to wear on her 18th birthday.

"Bella," I rambled, sadness permeating my voice. "This is my fault entirely. I am so sorry I lied to you. I only left to protect you. When I said I didn't love you it was the blackest lie I have ever spoken. I do love you. I always have. I always will." I gave a huge dry sob.

I raised my eyes to her face. Her eyes were open and they were vampire red.

What the?!?

"Edward," she said.

In an instant Alice was next to me. We both stared down at her disbelievingly.

Was I dreaming? Then why was I seeing the same thing through Alice's eyes? Were we both dreaming? Hallucinating? Could vampires hallucinate?

"Oh Bella!" I shouted and threw myself on her in a huge hug.

This apparently was not proper form for an ex-boyfriend, who most of the town blamed indirectly for her death. There was a collective gasp behind me but I chose to ignore it. I was just so shocked she was alive. Well alive as a vampire anyway.

"Get a way from her you son of a -" Charlie began.

"Watch out!" Bella whispered just as Charlie took a swing at my head. I moved with the blow trying to do minimal damage to his hand.

"Charlie," Alice soothed taking his arm, "you don't want to hurt anyone."

She had covered his action and some how made it look like he was trying to hug me. She held him tightly and walked him back to his pew and sat next to him.

I relaxed my protective pose over her casket and turned back to Bella.

The rest of my family was next to me staring down at her.

"What's up?" She said with a small wave. As if she wasn't laying in her own coffin, at her own funeral surrounded by a clan of vampires staring down at her.

"Can you guys help me?" Bella asked us. We continued to stare at her. "Laurent bit me about a week ago…" She tried to explain but trailed off when no one responded.

"She's a vamp…" Carlisle stopped and swallowed. "She's been changed." He finished quietly.

"Hey sis," Emmett finally said.

They all smiled at her, then quickly tried to hide their joy in handkerchiefs, as they turned to take seats on a pew on the right side of the church.

"We'll get you out of this thing before they bury you Bella. I promise. Everything is going to be just fine." I tried to smile for her.

"Okay," she said quietly closing her red eyes again.

"Bella," I said, "I love you. I'm so happy you're alive."

She opened her eyes and studied my face.

Then she smiled and shut her eyes before she whispered softly, "I am glad you came back - even if it was for my funeral."

I let Esme put her arms around me and lead me back to the pew where my entire family sat in a row.

She's alive! My brain and that of each of my families kept screaming at me.

Carlisle was the first to recover. How should we retrieve her? In the hearse? What if they decide to open the casket at the graveside?

But soon my entire family was making mental suggestions.

We could pay off the gravedigger.

We could come back tonight and dig up the grave.

This would be the best time for a practical joke. Emmett was thinking.

I ignored them. Bella was alive! My only wish had been fulfilled!

As hard as I tried to push everyone's thoughts out of my head I could not. Jacob Blacks thought were screaming, She's a vampire!?! She alive but she's a vampire! Oh who cares at least she's alive! He had heard my conversation with Bella because, being a werewolf, his hearing was as good as mine. I had not thought of that.

I turned to look at him. He glared back at me. He still blamed us for what had happened to her. After all, it was a vampire who had done this to her and we were the only vampires he knew. So he blamed us. Apparently the reasoning made since to a teenage boy. Normally, I would have thought that made as much since as hating all redheads because your dog was stolen by a redhead.

However, this teenage boy was right, it was my fault. I had left to keep her safe from vampires and ironically she had become one because I wasn't there to save her from Laurent.

The preacher read a few scriptures and said a few prayers and then asked if anyone would like to speak about the things they are going to miss about Bella.

Charlie walked up onto the stage and began to speak but he broke down and went back to his seat next to Alice before he could manage to finish describing what a wonderful daughter he had. Alice who looked sad and mournful was in reality trying not to bounce up and down in her seat with joy. We all felt sorry for Charlie I wished there was something we could do to make this easier for him.

Newton spoke about how much he and Bella had in common. "We both loved gym, all kinds of sports really," he said. I still wanted to throw him into a wall.

Next Angela spoke about what a great person Bella was. She said she would miss her. I felt so sorry for Angela. She gave my hand a small squeeze on her way back to Ben's side. I returned it with a small sad smile.

Jessica got up then and described what great friends she and Bella had been during high school. I could almost see Bella smile.

Jacob Black said, "She is my friend, my best friend. I made her a promise that I would always be there for her but lately I haven't kept that promise and I really regret that."

I could see Bella in his mind, from a hundred different memories as he spoke. He is in love with her. I thought.

He took the microphone and walked over to casket. Looking down at her he said, "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me but I hope you will be happy and that wherever you are going they will take good care of you and never hurt you again." He said the last words with a warning glare at me. Then he reached in and kissed her cheek before he whispered, "You stink Bells."

Then the preacher asked if anyone else would like to speak. I held my breath, hoping this would be over soon. He looked toward me and held out the microphone. I shook my head but Emmett saw a great opportunity. Before I could grab his arm and make him sit back down, he was up and on the stage.

"Bella," he began, "there's so much I'll miss about Bella."

I groaned aloud.

"Once, Bella and I discussed our funerals."

This actually was true Emmett and Bella had discussed this at one point when Emmett told her about his funeral. The next part however was not true.

" 'Emmett,' she said to me," he embellished, " 'I would like people to leave my funeral with a smile on their face.' "

He better not turn this into a roast. Jasper thought. I flinched.

Charlie thought. That sounds like Bella, always wanting everyone to be happy. He was warming to Emmett.

Emmett decided to start it out with a bang.

"You see, Bella thought she would die young. You know; because she was so klutzy. She was the biggest klutz I have ever known. Heck one time she almost got herself killed just opening gifts at a birthday party."

I pinched the bridge of my nose.

The audience looked around uncomfortably. Most of them felt it was wrong to speak ill of the dead- even if the dead had been klutzy.

"Oh you know what I mean," he said looking out over the audience. "Raise your hand if you ever witnessed Bella injuring herself and/or you." No one raised their hands. "Come on," he said, "during PE, or lunch, or walking to her locker, or walking to her car, or at the sporting goods store, or walking down the stairs, or walking up the stairs..." half the people in room tentatively raised there hands.

"Come on," he boomed, encouraging the other half. "You know it's true. The girl couldn't walk across a straight, flat surface without tripping over her own feet."

Charlie laughed loud then and leaned over and whispered to Alice, "she gets that from me."

Everyone else laughed including Bella, although she laughed too low for human ears. Her laugh only served to encourage Emmett.

I rolled my eyes.

"What will I miss about Bella?" He acted like he was thinking. "Bella was hot." I glared at him. "I mean temperature wise. You don't have to glare at me, Edward. I'm going to miss her warm little hugs."

I checked on Jacob's mind. I was half afraid he would get so angry he would phase in the middle of the funeral and kill Emmett. I decided if he did I would help Jacob escape. But Jacob inexpiably had begun to think that this speech was a bit funny. When Emmett hesitated thinking of the next thing he would miss about Bella. Jacob even whispered, "I'll miss her heart," to Emmett.

"Thank you little Jacob Black," Emmett said, smiling at the werewolf. I shook my head. Jacob Black was now taller than Emmett though not quite as broad. He still was in no way little.

"Yes I will miss her heart," he said. He sounded like he may tear up at any moment. "She had such a warm heart. It always beat so fast when she got excited." He said wiggling his eyebrows at me. I clenched my fist.

He was turning this into a eulogy for Bella's humanity.

"Bella fit perfectly into my family from the day my kid brother brought her home." He went on as if he were giving a toast at her wedding. "Yep I remember telling her: 'Someday Bella you're going to be my little sister it's in your blood.' That made her blush. I'm going to miss that blush." He walked over to the casket and smiled down at her. I saw her in Emmett's mind. She rolled her eyes. "In fact, I'm sure she would be blushing right now if she could."

"Anyone ever notice how comfortable these coffins look? No wonder Dracula always slept in them." he said almost to himself. He took a deep breath.

"The first time my brother met Bella he knew she was…special. I think it was her scent that first attracted him. She was so appetizing," he said almost wistfully. Everyone seemed to think that was funny, expect for Jacob and myself.

"Oh," Emmett said looking down at me, "my brother thinks that one was in poor taste." Bella snort-laughed quietly at that one. If she didn't seem to be enjoying this so much I would have hit him.

Leave it to Emmett. Less than 30 minutes ago he had been on "Edward Suicide Watch 2000!" and now he had his own church standup comedy show.

"Yes," he continued, "my brother thought she was perfect. He was always whining about her changing. 'What if she changes?' " He mimicked me in a whiney voice. " 'I don't want to change her. Don't change her, Alice.' "

That one seemed to make the women in audience think I was romantic.

At this point my entire family was hunched over, their shoulders shaking with laughter but thankfully they appeared to be sobbing to the people behind them.

"Then," he continued, "there are the things I won't miss about Bella. She was so slow. Plus she was always eating such gross food. Thank God we won't have to smell that crap anymore. And she slept all the time. How did she ever get anything done?" Everyone in the building, expect of course for those in on the joke, were confused. As hard as they tried, no one could remember her being slow, sleeping overly much, or eating anything odd. Emmett went on quickly before anyone could think about it too long.

"But this I know," he said pointing his finger in the air like a southern preacher at a revival, "that wherever she's going now Bella will be stronger, faster and more graceful than she's ever been. So let's not mourn what she was, but let's celebrate what she has become!" Maybe I should become a preacher, thought Emmett taking a bow.

Everyone applauded. I am not an expert on funeral behavior but I was pretty sure applause was never acceptable during one. Wait! Did he just get them all to applaud her becoming a vampire? People will clap for anything!

See, Edward, they're happy she changed. He returned to his seat and poked me in the ribs with his elbow. We need to fake a funeral the next place we go and I can give eulogy. Emmett told me in his thoughts. This is awesome!

I shook my head at him again.

The preacher, trying to calm down the Emmett-inspired ruckus, announced that there would be a graveside service at the cemetery in town. He asked that we all follow the hearse and keep our lights on.

My family didn't move to leave with the others from the back of the church. I went to the casket taking Bella's hand once more. People came up to say their good-byes to her body one last time but I didn't move. The Cullen Clan sat discussing quietly how we should get her out of the casket. I half listened staring down at Bella. She was still slightly smiling as she listened too.

They had decided to get her out after everyone left the graveside.

I sat wondering if I could just take her now. Would anyone notice? I decided against it mostly because of Jacob Black.

I finally agreed to the plan after a slight nod from Bella and let the attendant push me aside to close the lid of the coffin, but not before I dropped one last kiss on her lips and whispered, "I won't ever leave you again, love." The attendant heard me and thought I was being an overly dramatic teenager.

"I'll take it," I said to him taking hold of one of the handles on the casket. Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle joined me on either side. I could have handled it but they thought I would have looked a little suspicious carrying a 300-pound casket by myself. We put the casket in the back of the hearse.

Charlie was in the cruiser directly behind the hearse in the procession. I told the family I would see them at the cemetery and threw my keys to Rosalie before getting in the front seat of cruiser. I could see the surprise in his eyes but he let me stay with him. I wanted to apologize to him for taking his daughter away from him.

"I am so sorry Chief," I started quietly. "I know that this is all my fault. I should have been here and I know that you can never forgive me. I don't expect you to. But I want you to know that I love your daughter. I always have and I always will."

"Don't insult my intelligence, kid," he said. "I know what it was like for Bells. She gave you all she had and it wasn't enough for you, so you left. I'm curious; did you give her the 'you had to find yourself speech'? Or the 'you have to get out of this little town speech' when you left?"

He thought I left Bella the same way his wife left him. He had known Bella was like him, that she would mourn me for the rest of her life. He had been right. She had mourned me the rest of her human life, which had been clear from the memories I had seen today. I could see that now. She was enough like him that she would never have stopped loving me. The same way he had never stopped loving her mother. Why had I ever thought she would stop loving me?

"Yes, I lied to her," I admitted to him. "I told her I didn't love her. I hoped she would move on, meet someone who was good enough for her, marry him and be happy. Because, you see Chief, there are things you don't know about me. I am not the person I appear to be. I am not good. I am not good enough for her. But I promise you that I will spend the rest of my days trying to be good enough for her."

"That's a big promise kid. I sincerely hope you mean that."

"I do," I replied, "I know I made the biggest mistake of my existence by leaving Bella."

He stopped the car at the cemetery. I reached for the door handle but he caught my left arm and continued. He let out a deep sigh and when he spoke again the sarcasm was gone.

"You say that there are things I don't know about you, that you're not a good person. I think you sell yourself short. A police Chief has to be a pretty good judge of character. I was glad to have my daughter date you and I would've been proud to have you as a son-in-law."

We were looking each other in the eye. I nodded unable to find the words.

"I think you should know. She loved you. She never stopped." As he spoke these last few words I saw in his mind the hell she had gone though since my departure. I saw her motionlessly laying on her bed for more than a week. I saw her yelling at him when he tried to send her away, to live with her mother. I heard her screams in the night. I saw the images clearly even though his mind that had always seemed hazy in the past.

The images produced in his head caused me physical pain and I knew they haunted him. I doubled over in pain. It was not something I was accustomed to. He awkwardly patted me one the back. I should be comforting him. I thought. But nonetheless I felt comforted.

After a few minutes, we both got out of the car and walked toward the hearse.

The back door to the hearse was opened and my brothers were there, waiting for me. We pushed in front of the pall bears and took our places on either side of the casket. We carried it to the stand that was set up beside the open hole in the ground.

We all stood around it as the preacher said the last few scriptures over her body and one more prayer. Everyone slowly made their way back to their cars, whispering that she was too young to die.

My family lingered. They appeared to wait for me as I stood silently with my hand on the big, black box that held my love.

Within an hour everyone was gone except us, Charlie and Jacob.

Charlie hugged Alice and shook Carlisle hand. Even thanked Emmett for speaking at the church.

"I really am glad you came Carlisle your family livened that place up I think Bells would have liked that." He said before walking to his car.

Jacob stood 50 yards away watching but not speaking.

My family had made preparations on the way to the cemetery. They functioned like a well-oiled machine.

After Charlie drove away in the cruiser Rosalie drew the gravedigger away from the grave. She asked him how long he had been digging graves, the older man happy to talk about himself, launched into a long monolog about the things he had seen over the years. Rosalie made all the appropriate noises and called his attention back to her each time the man started to look over at us standing near the gravesite.

Emmett, Carlisle and Jasper all pulled out 35 pound rocks they had been hiding under their long trench coats. I opened the casket and Bella sat up beaming at us. I helped her out and wrapped her in a long black woolen coat Alice had procured for her. Alice handed her a pair of dark sunglasses and perched a black hat on her head. Bella opened the dark umbrella Esme held out to her. She looked just like any other mourner.

I held her in my arms silently vowing never to let her go again.

Jasper dropped the rocks in the casket and shut the lid.

"I would love to see how you finish your job. Do you mind if we watch?" Rosalie asked the gravedigger who agreed, pleased to have an audience especially one as pretty as Rosalie.

Bella, Esme, Carlisle and I were already at the car. I helped Bella into the back seat of the heavily tinted Mercedes. Rosalie, Emmett, Alice and Jasper would make sure the casket was buried then bring my Volvo back to the house.

Bella stopped just before she got in and waved at Jacob. He waved back. I nodded to him.

"What happened?" Carlisle asked Bella as were turned on to the highway.

Bella inhaled deeply and explained that Laurent had bitten her. When the wolves attacked him she had run as far as she could. She had lain in the forest for days going through the change. By the time the search party had found her, her heart was just stopping and they thought she had just died. She lay there not knowing what to do. When the coroner hadn't been able to cut her open, he didn't know what to think. He couldn't do an autopsy, so he just scratched his head and wrote down that the cause of death was exposure to the elements.

"I laid there for another day and then today was the funeral. I was going to dig my way out and go looking for you," she finished, her eyes meeting mine and I pulled her on to my lap kissing her temple.

"I'm so sorry Bella," I whispered. "I love you so much. I only left because I wanted to protect you."

She turned in my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck. She turned her face up to mine. Our lips were only inches away from one another.

"I understand," she said, "but Edward if you ever leave me again I will hunt you down."

I grinned her crooked grin and then she surrendered her sweet lips to mine.

A/N Please review before you run to read these…

Here are some of my other favorites:

The Past Comes Back to Bite You by sillybella

The Wild and Wacky Adventures of Edward in PE! By LindaRoo

From the Wings by LJ Summers

Notes by Llama Mama23

Cullenary Educaton: Forks Sex Ed by MarcyJ

I Don't Exist by rachael1042

Stranger Than Fiction by MasenVixen

Seducing Ms Swan by DQRC

The Vampire in the Basement by michellephants

Irritable Grizzly Adams by caligula42

Becoming Bella Swan by BellaFlan

Please review… Be critical all you want I know I need the help. Oh also let me know of any other stories I should be reading (I love the AU-New Moon stories where Bella has to make a life without Edward)