There is something that Valve does not want you know, a dirty secret that lies in one of the hottest maps in all of Counter Strike Global Offensive. The company recently put a "new coat of paint" on the map Inferno. This might be vailed as a "tweak" to the map to "mix up gameplay" and "make it look better", but that's all a load of bull. Through data mining, game sharking, emulating, and forecasting, I have found the truth.
Early 2016, the CS team had zero ideas of what to do with CSGO. Running through the options, they obviously decided to take a risk, and implement an idea that an accounting intern had come up with while on the crapper. This… "intern" had the idea to put NPCs into the game, a spin on the hostage mechanic, taking the game to new… horizons. October 28th, 2016, the first NPC Tim, was put into Beta on the map, Inferno. A friendly face that just acted as a background character, but testing when underway. So they had a team of CT computers and T computers play each other for a couple matches while everyone went out for lunch, it was lobster, coke, and coke day, the old LCC. The computer went at it for hours, and I saw the recording of what happened, this is where the story truly begins.
Tim was put onto the banana route to B, a classic for any team, the classic rush Banana strat, still takes me back. He would sit in the corner, next to the box that is diagonal to the car, and he just leaned there all cool like. The rounds, the terrorists came through, but they just ignored him, they are not fully programmed on an appropriate response, then the third round came. As one of the terrorists came through, pistol in hand, it was an eco, Tim stopped the man by simply placing his hand on the terrorist. The terrorist stopped and looked Tim in the eyes, and they looked to his brethren, going off into battle. Tim and the terrorist, hand in hand, walked back to T spawn.
The following rounds, Tim only got more persistent, stopping more and more terrorists, the CTs starting winning rounds like it was nothing, but then Tim got even bolder. On the eighth round, he saw a CT sitting at the car at Banana, peeking the sightline. Tim goes up to the CT, and grabs his chin, pulling the SAS operative, feeling particularly British, looks to Tim, and drops his M4. It was after this round, Tim got more ambitious, by the eleventh round, and "he" has been able to quell the murderous rage of both the CT and T computer players. Yet the twelfth round, that is where it all came crashing down.
It was the twelfth round, the CTs up seven to four, and I could not believe what I saw. Every Counter Terrorist headed towards B, and every Terrorist headed up Banana. And as they all funneled down the route, they dropped their weapons, and all stopped at the car, right in front of Tim. The bots did not knife each other, no, they got closer, and embraced each other. Soon, the entire server was in one giant group hug, not one sound from a single one of them, just that of rustling cloth and Kevlar, then there was the sudden sound.
"Flash out!" one of the terrorists screams as Time opens up the car and whips out a keg and banging bong. One of the CTs does and baller keg stand, assisted by two Ts, as another terrorist is ripping some fat kush. Another Terrorist pulls out some panty dropping vapes and starts puffing on two at the same time. As one of the CTs passes out, a fucking lightweight, Tim smacks his unconscientious booty, a common attempt to wake someone up, but to no avail. As the keg starts to dry out, it slips out of the hands of one of the CTs and onto the head of the passed out fellow.
Tim looks at the dead body, and then at the CT and T player jerking off in the corner, and comes to the decision that this is starting to get a little out of hand. As this thought comes to his mind, two of the Terrorists kiss, but it is not received well. As one of the Ts really was not into it, and starts knifing the other, and accidently kills a CT before himself falling to the ground. The other CTs are trying to drive the car, but do not realize that it has been broken down for days. One of the Terrorists try to help by shooing it with his AK, he uses good spray control obviously. Shooting up the car, he kills the CTs, and is sadden by the result of the car not working. The round ends with a T win and the recording ends.
The horrors that occurred on the map that lunch break, they had to cover it up. The NPC left a stain, and a bad taste on the map, so they decided to go with a map update. Fixing the map around, and purging Tim from the game entirely, to cover their tracks. The new Inferno was released, and it is watched closely every day. To this day, legend speaks of the Banana route, and what happened there. Legends speaks that you can still tell that it happened, if you are looking closely. The smell of kush, the sound of an empty keg, the cum stains, it all might linger, a final love letter from Tim.