The pain, its all too much. Another tear hits the floor, another drop of blood. Why had everything come down to this again? Why did it all feel so worthless? Why had it even happened? Was it because it was easy? A quickie? Another slut?
And after…he was just so cold, so heartless, not interested anymore. That was it, he got what he wanted and then he didn't care. Why would he care? Why would he want to care about a girl like me?
Someone who has to hide her pain behind a fake smile. Someone who tells everyone she's fine, but deep down she's dying. Someone who sits alone in her room, crying herself to sleep because of her life. Someone who doesn't want to go home in fear of what might happen when she gets in.
And now –after all that happened– he's back with his ex. Does he have any idea how used I feel? How hurt I am? How much that day meant to me? How much I wish to be back to that one time? Back to the one time where I didn't have to worry about anything, because –for once in my life– I felt safe.
Safe; that's how I've always wanted to feel. Years its been pain and secrets. For once in my life, I felt safe. I felt I belonged. I felt wanted. I felt needed. I felt as though I was special. Does he know how long it's been since I've felt special?
How can he act like nothing happened? We had a connection; I know he felt it, I could tell by the look in his eyes after the first kiss. And he leant in for a second; that has to mean something.
With his strong arms wrapped around my waist, I wanted to cry. I felt a rush of something; something I had never felt before. To feel at home in the middle of a street is a weird, but fantastic feeling when your kissing that one person you have slowly fallen for other the past year or so.
You tell them you've liked then for 3-4 months, but you lie. You know you have lie so you don't have to explain how you've been watching him from afar, wishing he was yours. Wishing it were you who he wrapped his arms around while standing in the school corridor.
When you find out that news –of a new girlfriend– you have to act happy for him, although your killing inside. You know, as much as you dream or wish that one feeling back, it isn't going to happen. You know you're never going to feel so special again in your life.
You know there is no way of telling him how you feel. So you write it all down, and keep it hidden away. Or you use it as a story to cover it all up. You use it as course work instead of using it to tell him how you're feeling.
The words of one song stuck engraved in my mind; I know you well enough to know you never loved me. The song, on repeat, as I cry as I sit thinking back on the events of that day.
I guess that was all a mistake; that day a day full of regret. For once I'm my life I wish for something to go right, but it never does. I guess this is just another useless letter to no one. Another letter to be printed out before being binned. Another worthless pile of nothing.
Although to me this means so much to you this means so little. Although it had taken me so long to find the courage to write this, you will never be shown it. For I know if you see it, you will laugh at my stupidity. I know my feelings are one thing I must nether share with you, or you will crush me like you did that day. Like you are doing at the moment.
I'm just another girl for you to brag about, even if you don't use my name. I'm worthless to you, and I'm so glad I realised that before it's too late. That doesn't stop these feelings I have for you though. Nothing will.