I was reading a clinical journal article for work and I came across some research that begged me to write a story. I know, I'm a nerd. I couldn't resist this one though. Besides, I've been wanting to get my hands on Beckett's therapist for awhile. This will most definitely be M-rated.
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Things had gotten worse. They had gotten worse, not better. She'd been assured that if she put in the work she would experience relief from her symptoms. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as Dr. Burke had explained to her was actually classified as an anxiety disorder.
That didn't make her feel any better, on the contrary she felt much worse. Anxiety seemed like something that she should be able to control, something that should be solved with mind over matter. So why wasn't she able to do so? Kate Beckett was frustrated.
That frustration could be seen by Dr. Burke that afternoon, as she wore it like it were a coat.
"What's going on Kate?" He asked her in his typical calm voice, his mannerisms were relaxed as he sat with hands clasped and legs crossed. His relaxation seemed like such a stark contrast to Kate's mental state.
"I'm sick of this. I'm sick of all of it." She stood and began to pace.
"I've put the time in and I've put the work in. I journal now, I practice the breathing exercises when I feel stress building. I keep crackers in my purse to chew on in case I have a panic attack. I feel like I'm living on the edge and I hate it."
The cracker idea was actually useful advice. Dr. Burke explained to Kate that the Fight or Flight response ran counter to the digestive process. Several sessions ago he'd explained the theory behind how food can prevent panic attacks.
"When we are aroused and on the verge of panic, resources are transferred away from our digestive processes so that we can have all of the resources we need to survive. The same principle can work in reverse too Kate. If you eat a cracker your body will be forced to route resources back to chewing and swallowing. You must regulate your breathing to avoid choking, so your body will do it naturally. It interrupts physiological arousal."
Kate was skeptical, but she'd had to rely on the crackers on several occasions. That was part of the problem though. She was furious that she couldn't just control herself. She hated that she couldn't move past everything. The PTSD was impacting every area of her life. The anxiety was keeping her awake, the lack of sleep was hurting her concentration, the combination along with hopelessness that she would never move passed this was making her feel depressed; and she was sick of it.
"You said months ago, during the sniper case, that medications would help. So I've been taking medications. I've been eating balanced meals, adhering to a sleep routine, I've been exercising and journaling. I've even committed one day a week to spend quality time with Lanie, so that someone will listen; which means I've been working on building my social support system."
She looked at him intensely, but he just stared back with that semi-amused expression on his face. Sometimes she wanted to call him an arrogant bastard, but she knew he was only there to help. So she continued her rant.
"You put me on these antidepressants. So my serotonin levels could balance out, and although you said it could take over 6 weeks for them to work, it's been 5 months. FIVE MONTHS. Why am I still dealing with this? Why does it feel like nothing I do is working?"
"Kate," he finally spoke in calm words.
"Sometimes it can be difficult for us to see our own progress. We're so caught up in our day-to-day experience that it is easy to lose sight of the big picture. I think you've underestimated the progress you've made." He waited for her to answer, tilting his head to follow her eyes and maintain her gaze. I hate it when he does that, she thought to herself. It's like he's forbidding me to look away. It was making her a little better with maintaining eye contact when talking about uncomfortable things though.
"Kate?" He asked, "Can you tell me a couple of ways that you think you've improved in your time here?"
She swallowed, not at all comfortable with praising her own accomplishments.
"Well," she began, "I've been able to focus more on where my priorities are. I've been able to recognize that some behaviors I've been involved in have been unhealthy for me. I've gained the skills to help deal with panic attacks when they do strike."
"Well," Dr. Burke responded to her, "Aren't those milestones a big deal? I think they are." Kate's chest fell, somewhat in defeat that her point was being lost.
"Yes. I suppose." She conceded, but she quickly added, "but it's not enough!"
"Kate, everyone works at their own pace. No two cases are the same. What works for some may not work for others. I can tell you that the approach we are taking, combining therapy with medications, do have the best outcomes."
Kate sighed, "I just wish that something would start working."
Dr. Burke considered her for a moment, "perhaps it would be a good idea to change your medications Kate. Maybe we need to target a different chemical with you."
"There are two choices I'm thinking Kate. One targets a combination of three neurotransmitters, serotonin, dopamine and norepinepherine. It has been shown to be very effective against depression, but considering that your depression seems secondary to the PTSD, it may not be ideal. It has worked against anxiety for some, but others have reported worsening of symptoms."
"Well that doesn't sound too promising." She spoke with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.
"I will admit, it is hit or miss." Dr. Burke acknowledged.
"What about the other option. You said there were two." Kate asked.
"Yes. Well, I've been reading about a new treatment. Case studies have been published that demonstrate the effectiveness of the treatment for patients suffering from a variety of anxiety disorders, from PTSD to Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and even into Compulsive disorders."
"Compulsive?" Kate asked, "Like OCD?"
"Yes obsessive compulsive disorder is one of them, but so are eating disorders and habitual addictions." All anxiety disorders are similar in that there is some form of disconnect in the ability to alleviate anxieties. The body will respond to the anxiety and you will feel many of the symptoms you've reported, such as hypervigilance, racing heart, trouble catching your breath and panic attacks in general. A great deal of the time people will engage in compulsive behaviors, or behaviors that are out of their control as a method of alleviating the high levels of anxiety that they are feeling."
Kate nodded, "ok, and this drug?" She questioned.
This drug offers a combination of therapies, namely targeting the dopamine system and the oxytocin system. It has been shown to calm and relax those who are taking it, but not to the level that some of the panic disorder medications we've discussed in the past. They are going to be starting another clinical trial and I thought you would be a good candidate.
"So I could take the drug and still drive." She said dryly. At one point the doctor recommended her a drug that acted immediately on the nervous system to prevent panic attacks. It was a drug that also prevented seizures. Although it was wonderful and it made her feel wonderful, it was illegal to drive while on it, and Kate needed to drive to work.
"Yes", Dr. Burke confirmed.
"I'm willing to try it." Beckett stated.
"Ok Kate. First I need to tell you about some of the side effects. This drug has been shown to alter behavior." Dr. Burke began.
"You're dealing with a hormone, oxytocin. Are you familiar with it?" He asked.
"Um, babies?" She asked.
"Well, yes it is related to pregnancy and childbirth, as well as lactation. It is also responsible for endorsing behaviors that foster attachment and closeness. People who have taken this drug report feeling very affectionate, very protective and nurturing." He waited for her to process the information. There are many theories as to why this hormone influences our behavior in this way, but it seems to have the same effect across mammals.
"That doesn't sound bad. Will I still be able to do my job?" She asked.
"Yes, you won't have any problems doing your job. You'll just be more apt to care for and nurture those who are close to you. You will desire closeness Kate, in many ways."
"Well, isn't that what you want for me?" She asked dryly.
"It is, but I felt it necessary to tell you that the drug may enhance your natural desires. It may cause you to act out of character." He replied.
"Ok. Got it." Kate dismissed the man's concerns, "Please, give me the drug so that I can start to move on with my life."
"The trial will provide you the drug once a week, through injection. You will go to the Stark Clinic and I will forward your information along with the prescription. Because it is a clinical trial, you will have to sign a waiver and consent to participate, but it has been deemed safe enough for human testing by the FDA, as well as IRB."
He added, "We will all monitor you closely to be sure that you don't have adverse reactions Kate."
Kate nodded, taking his prescription and the driving directions he'd written for the clinic. He said they would be in touch with her soon.
For the first time in a while Kate felt hopeful.
Several weeks passed and Kate tapered herself off of her current medication, which wasn't working anyhow. She agreed to call the clinic after three weeks so that they could be sure that she wouldn't have any interactions. That morning she'd called and left a message before heading to work.
She received a return call from the clinic later that afternoon. The lab technician that she spoke with informed her that participants in the trial came in on Saturday mornings at 9am and received an injection. They took time to fill out questionnaires to monitor their mood and physical state. They invited her to join them in the morning, asking her to come in a half hour earlier to complete her intake paperwork.
She did exactly as they asked, arriving early to fill out the paperwork. In return they handed her an insert with information on the drug she would be taking. It looked like those that pharmacists gave. It told of the chemical compound, the indicators as well as known side effects thus far. After reading through she followed the technician to the back, and he gave her the first injection. She left soon after, rubbing the sore spot on her arm from where the needle had penetrated her skin.
Saturday went along as usual, although she was on call she did not have to go in. She went to bed that evening noting that she didn't feel any different. Sunday felt very much the same to her. As she crawled into bed, the night before her week was to begin she contemplated that the drug might not work for her. She knew it was too soon to think that, but she thought that she'd feel something from the injection.
Bright and early Monday morning Beckett sat at her desk, working through paperwork. When her partner walked up to her desk and placed her coffee down she smiled, a warmth filling her. She was so grateful for him, always there for her. When he caught her staring she quickly looked away, unable to wipe the smile off her face or keep the blushing from her cheeks.
Oh my god, is Kate Beckett Blushing? Castle wondered to himself.
She stood then and moved to the break room, she found that the box of doughnuts she thought to pick up for the boys that morning had been opened. Grabbing two napkins, she grabbed a glazed doughnut for herself and one of the Bavarian creams for Castle. Afterall, they were his favorite.
He smiled at her widely when she approached and handed him the pastry. "What is this for?" He asked.
"Do I need a reason Castle? You brought the coffee, so I got breakfast. We have to eat you know." She looked back down to her paperwork and proceeded to write her reports.
"Thank you." He spoke, touched by her behavior.
She didn't look up from her work, instead she replied "That's what partners are for." She desperately tried to keep control over the corner of her mouth so she wouldn't smile, but she failed.
The strange behavior continued through the week, She'd taken to bringing in breakfast for her team, muffins, pastries, and bagels. Before they entered an old warehouse for a takedown she did something to the boys that she never did, she squeezed both of their arms and said "Be careful. I don't want to you two getting hurt." At first Ryan and Esposito figured she was making a joke, but there was no punch line. She was being completely serious. As she turned to enter the warehouse, they looked at eachother questioningly.
The week passed and the boys were growing accustomed to the new and nicer Beckett. They enjoyed it quite a bit. This Beckett didn't call them in at 6am because she didn't want to disturb their sleep, and she saw that they got home at a reasonable hour so that they could spend time with their loved ones.
After one particular occasion, where she'd complemented Castle's crazy theory, telling him that those theories were the reason why he was such a talented writer and she loved his books, Rick reached out to feel her forehead as if she were sick. The boys shook their heads, contemplating that crazy alien theories weren't to far off, as someone had switched bodies with their boss.
Lanie noticed the changes in her behavior as well. Kate was far more considerate of Lanie's thoughts and feelings, eager to listen to her problems and offer genuine encouragement. The final straw came after an autopsy where Alexis read the report to her dad and Beckett. After the girl was finished she looked up and met Kate's gaze. She was surprised to find genuine pride and happiness on Kate's face.
"Alexis, you're so grown up. You've just turned out so well and I'm so proud of you." She pulled the confused redhead into a hug and planted a kiss on the top of her head.
"ahhh…Thanks?" Alexis spoke, confused but secretly thrilled to have the woman's approval.
When they asked her what was going on she simply said that she was trying something new to help manage her PTSD and that it was working. She seemed genuinely happier than she had in awhile.
Another major change was that she started letting Castle drive. When he questioned her on it she simply smiled at him, stating that it was only fair that he have a chance to.
"You've been so amazing to me, it's the least I can do Castle." He just smiled at her, confusion apparent on his face.
"Are you sure you are ok?" He asked her seriously.
"Yes." She assured him with a smile on her face. She then reached to lay her palm on his cheek,
"but thanks for asking." She smiled at him and walked away. He eyed her warily but fell into step beside her.
On another occasion they sat at their favorite booth at Remy's. She spoke animatedly to him about how she and Alexis were similar. He laughed so hard at one of her stories that part of his milkshake dripped down his chin.
She smiled at him, "Sometimes you're so adorable." She spoke, leaning in to gently wipe the liquid from his face. He put his hand on hers, holding it to where it was on his face, and gazed intensely in her eyes. The attraction was palpable and they couldn't have broken away from their stare if they'd tried. Her breath sped up and her skin flushed. Softly, she spoke, "Rick."
She spoke as if she were asking a question and making a statement. She said it as if all the meaning in the universe rested in his name, and his name alone.
The moment was broken by the waitress who loudly spoke as she set their plates in front of them.
When Kate attended her third appointment she'd reported how great she was feeling, and how wonderful it had been to engage with her friends and co-workers on such a positive level. She felt great.
Dr. Burke was glad to hear about it, but was sure to ask if any major changes had happened in her relationships. She told him no, just slight improvements.
What she didn't tell her therapist was that although nothing had changed physically between she and Castle, everything else had changed. She had trouble being in the same room with him most days, especially since their lunch together. The warmth that filled her at the sight of him began to intensify until it consumed her. She was aware of his presence at such a heightened level now.
She could smell him, hear his breaths and track his body movements like it was second nature now. It wasn't possible to ignore him as she did before. She wanted him with every fiber of her being. She needed him on every level, and in every way. She knew she should be scared.
She wanted to go home with him every night and spend the evening in his arms. She wanted to wake up in his bed, surrounded by his smell. She wanted to feel him deep inside of her with an ache that was overwhelming. She wanted to wipe the worry lines from his face and make his pain go away when he talked about Alexis moving. She just wanted to hold him, to be with him and to be there for him. She'd been in love with him before, but now it was out of control.
Work was becoming difficult. She couldn't concentrate when he was around. All she could focus on was how badly her body was telling her that she needed him. She was plagued with unbidden thoughts of them in various states of undress. While he was sitting in his chair playing with his phone she'd imagined simply climbing on his lap and grinding out the sexual frustration she was feeling for him.
Sometimes she thought about interrogation room tables and locked doors, where he could throw her on the table and take her from behind. Other times she thought of the records room, where he could lie her down, or take her against the wall.
Regardless of the scenario her mind concocted, the thought made her ache even more, a small moan escaping her mouth. She watched his hands typing away on his phone and imagined taking the fingers into her mouth. She imagined what they would be capable of doing to her.
Her sexual cravings for him were made worse by her emotional cravings, as they made her want him even more. Never in her life had she ever wanted to throw a man up against a wall and consume him, AND cuddle with him for the rest of the night, for the rest of my life, she thought.
She knew that she should have mentioned her intrusive thoughts to Dr. Burke, but she was afraid that he would take her off the medications. Aside from feeling intense attraction to Castle, and the desire to show the people in her life how much she cares for them, the drug was a miracle worker. This side effect was worth it.
By the end of the third week she was sure that she would break soon. He'd leaned in really close to her to pass by her and when his arm brushed against her over-sensitized breasts she nearly fell apart. She began to wonder if the cravings would subside if she acted on them.
She didn't know how to approach it, although the thought of approaching him nonchalantly and simply stating, "Good morning Castle. How was your weekend? Oh, I forgot to tell you that I want to have your babies. Can we please get started as soon as possible?" Damn these medications, she thought.
She finally reached her breaking point the following Tuesday night. She invited him to her place for dinner, as she wanted to thank him for his support and felt like she needed to start returning the favor that he'd been paying her every morning with coffee. She had not invited him over to sleep with him, but she couldn't deny that the thought had crossed her mind. It was pretty much there more often than not these days.
He showed up wearing a deep blue shirt that accented his eyes and made the ache inside of her a little more intense. She just looked at him, "You look amazing" she spoke without thought. He raised his eyebrows at her and replied, "so do you."
They ate dinner, drank wine and had good conversation. They relaxed on the couch and enjoyed being in eachother's presence outside of the context of work.
"I'm really glad you invited me Beckett." He spoke.
"Call me Kate." She requested.
He smiled at her, a mixture of surprise and hope on his face, "you've been so very different Kate."
"Different how?" She asked.
"You just seem more open, more willing to say what's on your mind. You seem happier. It's wonderful to see Kate."
"Thank you Rick. I feel happy. I've realized some things recently and the clarity has really helped me to figure out the things I want in life." She explained.
"What sorts of things?" He asked.
"Well, happiness and balance, health and support. I want to have a full life that is centered in passion for living." He smiled at her words and nodded. Those are all good things Kate.
"Yeah." She nodded. "There is one other thing I want." She spoke, her throat becoming tight with the thought of what she was about to do.
"What is that?" He spoke.
"You. In my bed. Inside of me with your hands touching every inch of me." She stared at him and waited for him to respond. For a minute he said nothing. She stood then, lifting her shirt from her body and unhooking her bra. She then slipped out of her jeans and panties, leaving him breathlessly watching her. He wasn't sure that this was happening and was starting to suspect that he had fallen asleep and was dreaming.
"Kate." He spoke, his voice barely there. "Are you sure about this? Are you sure you want this?"
She was a woman possessed, the image of him taking her body in was too much and all of her fears and doubts were gone. She could see the want in his eyes, the love in his eyes. In that moment, Kate Beckett did something much more forward than she'd ever done before.
She stepped into him and grabbed his hand. She pulled it up to kiss the back of it, as he rose to meet her. Without breaking eye contact with him she took that hand and lowered it, she lowered it past her breasts and below her abdomen. She opened his hand and laced their fingers so that he was palm up before placing his hand directly on her center.
He gasped, becoming hard instantly. Finally she spoke, "Do you think that I have any doubts?" She moved his hand to move further against her, allowing him to feel exactly how wet she was.
"Do I feel sure to you Rick?" She asked, a glint in her eye.
He lost it. In an instant he was on her, pressing himself against her as much as he could and demanding her lips to comply with his own. He lifted her against him and her arms and legs wound around him. When they hit a wall he used the leverage to keep her pinned with his hips as he removed his shirt.
Soon she was against him again, bare chest to bare chest. Upon feeling their skin make contact both partners moaned. Her hand snaked down between them and began to unbutton his pants. She managed to get her hand inside of his boxers and started to fiercely stroke him.
He groaned again, his hips thrusting into her palm of it's own accord. "God Kate. I need you now." He spoke into her ear as his head leaned into her shoulder. She nodded her agreement and bit into his shoulder, as if claiming him as her own.
By the time they made it to her bedroom he had managed to remove her hand from his boxers, insisting that she let go if she wanted him to last. She begrudgingly complied, but wasn't happy about it. Never had she been so consumed with wanting to touch someone.
He backed her up against her bed and she allowed herself to fall back. She watched him as he removed the rest of his clothing and she was filled with a new excitement, and urgency to feel their bodies against eachother without clothing as a barrier.
He stretched himself out on top of her, grabbing her underneath her knees to push her legs back for deeper access to where he wanted to be, where they both needed him to be. Soon he sank into her, easing himself in slowly and groaning with every stretch her body made to accommodate. He was filled with amazement that she could take all of him. Generally, he was used to holding back, but Kate arched her back further and urged him to keep pressing. Now he was buried fully inside her.
"Oh God Kate." He whimpered. "So good. So good." He couldn't think straight.
"mmmmmm…Rick…Holy…so deep." She felt high, euphoric.
Soon they began to move together, he tried to control his thrusts but gave in soon to her demands that he move faster and harder. Her moans increased intensity until they became screams. He grunted into her shoulder, biting down there as his hands dug into her hips. Holding them against him in one moment and pinning her down to the mattress in the next.
Her screams became breathless as she begged him to keep doing exactly what he was doing. She was beyond coherent thought soon, only able to focus on the coiling inside her, tightening and tightening. It became so intense she doubted that she could survive it. Her fingers grasping into his back as she gasped for breath.
"Come on Kate." He urged her. "Let go for me." He urged her to give in to her body so that he could do the same.
Soon her body was trembling, muscles contracting and releasing out of control. He pinned her hips to help her ride it out before letting himself go with the final wave of her own pleasure.
They both struggled for breath, unable to move for several moments. When he finally went to move she held him in place. She shook her head at him,
"Don't go. I want you to stay inside of me." He responded to her by kissing her softly on the lips.
"Kate, that was amazing. It was beyond fantastic. It was better than I could ever have imagined." He told her.
She smiled up at him. "That's what happens when we're in love." His eyes widened at her.
"I'm sorry?" He stuttered.
"I said, that it was amazing because you're in love with me, and I'm in love with you." He kissed her firmly once again.
In that moment, Kate was never more grateful for that medication, which allowed her to get in touch with her own desires.
After that night they were inseparable. She found it very easy to grow accustomed to being close with him, to being in a relationship with him. Thanks to the medications, she felt that there was no place she'd rather be than in his arms.
She was more open with him about her fears and doubts. She spent more nights with him than she did at home. She also allowed him to step in and care for her, knowing that he needed to do so. She was blissfully happy and completely in love.
Months later she sat in Dr. Burke's office. The trial was over and she was disappointed to know that she was going to have to come off the medication that had brought her and Castle together months ago. They'd been in love for such a long time and the drug was simply the catalyst. Still, she was sad.
She expressed her concerns about her ability to continue the changes that she'd undergone. She worried that she would run from the relationship she'd formed with Castle when the effects of the drug had worn off.
Dr. Burke smiled at her. Kate, I received the final report from the clinical study earlier today.
"You did?" She asked.
"Yes. I did. Would you like to know something that I found very interesting?"
"What's that?" She questioned.
"Do you recall signing a consent form and a disclosure form describing the study as a double blind trial?"
"Yes, I do." She spoke.
"So Kate, I got your information, their notes on your progress, along with your classification in the study."
"Ok." Kate stated, not sure where he was going with this.
"Kate, you were in the control group. Your injection was saline solution."
She was stunned. "but how?"
"It's called the placebo effect Kate, you thought that you had the medications so you felt more bold." He smiled to her. "Everything you've accomplished was YOU Kate, you believed in the drug, which gave you confidence. However, everything that has happened did because of you."
She slowly made her way into the loft later that evening. She considered the doctor's words. Everything she'd done, all the chances she took and the emotions she expressed were all because of her. It felt oddly empowering. She smiled widely to herself, feeling as if she'd had a major breakthrough.
Castle saw the smile on her face as she moved to sit next to him.
"What has you so happy detective?" He asked her.
"I was just thinking," she answered him. She moved closer to him on the couch and rested her head against his shoulder. She loved him, she'd jumped in and she had done it all. She smiled again to herself before turning herself to face Castle.
"I was thinking about what you asked me, and I decided. Rick, I'd love to move in with you."
The End
So, what did you think? My first one-shot story :)