Summary: Naruto was like a tumor. He traveled with me everywhere I went, his invisible existence following me one step behind like a second shadow. Naruto x Gaara. AU. One-shot.
Disclaimer:I don't own 'Naruto' and I don't make any money from these writings.
A/N: This is an experimental piece of writing. The style is very minimalistic. Written from Gaara's perspective.
I was inspired by Neel Patel's collection of short stories called "If You See Me, Don't Say Hi". I can warmly recommend that book to you, I believe you can find it on Amazon. Also, you can find his short story "Just Friends" for free at Buzzfeed . c o m (sorry for the spaces, this site tends to mess up links!)
Yeah yeah I know I should be concentrating on my in-progress stories but inspiration blooms in unexpected ways! O_o
Tumor
Spring was turning into summer when I noticed growing restlessness in my boyfriend. Something seemed to occupy him to a point I couldn't ignore it anymore.
In the middle of our love-making Kiba answered his phone. When I asked who it was, he said it was no one.
The next day he canceled our movie night in the last possible moment due to unforeseen obstacles, whatever that meant. To let self-made pizza go to waste felt just too depressing, so I asked if Naruto had any other plans tonight.
Like I had expected, he did not hesitate to join my company after the subject of food had been brought up in our conversation. Hungrily his lips smacked as he devoured the pepperoni pizza I had spent two hours on. Kiba didn't reply to my messages, and eventually I turned off my phone with irritation.
Naruto was more of Kiba's friend than mine, but occasionally the three of us hung around together at the stadium, passionately cheering for our local soccer team and elaborately cursing whenever they lost points to the opponent. Naruto always stayed in the background, like a ghost following in our steps and when Kiba leaned down to kiss me, Naruto's gaze found someplace else to fixate on.
I had never really talked to Naruto outside those occasions, or learned to know his interests.
For months now I had secretly suspected that Kiba's reasons to stay with me were more or less unscrupulous. It was hard to ignore the way his laughter reached an unnaturally high pitch whenever he responded to my brother's jokes. Kankuro was not that funny, yet he always managed to make Kiba sound like a teenager in the verge of voice change.
My brother was rarely around. Family and three children added to ambitious career plans and devoted training were a combination which made sure I only occasionally saw him anymore.
Naruto licked his fingers clean from grease and then wiped them on his jeans. Dark streaks as wide as his fingers were now left on the light blue fabric but he didn't seem too concerned. Without further thinking I seized him by the front and kissed him.
The grease on his lips smeared on my neck, down my chest and eventually to my red south as his lips slid down on my erection.
When I came I cried out Kiba's name out of habit, but Naruto seemed not to mind. Calmly he wiped his mouth on his sleeve and unzipped his pants. I came for the second time that night when he lay on top of me, his stained jeans now cast on the floor somewhere, and he was nothing but a naked, sweaty muscle pushing into me.
"N-Naruto," I said this time and he pulled out, not wanting me to get sore.
Since I had finished first, and he was still proudly aroused, I stripped off the condom from his erection and jacked him off.
We never talked about that night afterwards. Kiba's vacillating attention was once again fixated on me for the better part of the remaining summer. Days spent together at the beach, in air-conditioned hipster bars, on a shady spot in the balcony of his apartment. Those days became the story of our summer, a story which we both shared on Instagram and Facebook.
I scrolled through my boyfriend's Instagram gallery and stopped at a picture of us at a music festival. Kiba was winking innocently at the camera, a popsicle half-way in his mouth, and I was holding his hand yet the other half of my body was left out of the picture. What had once been a quick snap born out of Naruto's clumsy fingers was now a permanent memory of one of the best days in our summer.
Just out of curiosity, I went through the list of twenty four people who had liked that picture. Less surprised than I wanted to be, I noticed Kankuro was one of them.
Autumn rain whipped against my face and now those hazy summer days felt as unreal as a pleasant dream you woke up in the middle of the night to, feeling the tingling anticipation on your skin yet not quite recalling what had caused it. The distance between me and Kiba had grown again but this time I was less worried. I had my gaze elsewhere, at the overly competitive, athletic man living two floors down from me, at the wise-ass barista in my local café who always misspelled my name in the most creative of ways. I was starting to think he did it on purpose. And then there was this new guy at the IT Helpdesk at work, whose sole voice had momentarily captivated me when I heard him speak for the first time.
Winter came but none of my interests ever developed into anything. Well, on our first date I had sex with the barista, but later on we fell out of touch and he started writing my name correctly.
Around Christmas I had developed a mild form of depression. I medicated it with solitude, ouzo and lack of proper nutrition. I had forgotten Kiba and deleted our summer memories on my social media accounts.
Even though that one insipid Tuesday afternoon was wrapped between weeks of blurred memories, I could still vividly recall how relaxed Kiba's shoulders had looked when he bid me goodbye, before turning his back on me and never coming back.
Why did he have to leave? Our sex was amazing―no, it was heavenly, and I always threw in a few inspirational moans just for him. Maybe more than I loved him, I loved his dick, faithfully showing my eternal affection with my tongue, with my fingers caressing his perineum, rubbing his balls until they tightened and he screamed something I never quite understood.
In summary, our sex was awesome. At least on those times he wasn't on the phone at the same time.
Kankuro was having marital problems but I was too absorbed in my self-pity and misery to be there for him. Eventually he stopped calling me altogether on those matters.
One blue Monday I was weighing fruits on a supermarket. I had decided to turn my life around. I had promised to start taking care of myself again.
"Gaara? What a pleasant surprise."
Naruto was all smiles even on a mundane, worthless day like this. I felt a tiny bit better at having him here, with me.
I imagined we'd stroll through the supermarket with easily flowing conversation between us, until at an appropriate moment I would ask him over to my place. We would chat over tea and triangular sandwiches, share the things that burdened us and talk throughout the night like people sometimes did in the romantic movies I never admitted watching.
But it did not go like that.
We couldn't get further than the hallway of my shabby apartment. The grocery bag slipped from my grip and the apples rolled across the floor. The intensity Naruto kissed me with did not seem accidental, and the way he was gasping for air when he looked at me reminded me of someone chocking him. I didn't know what was holding him back but when I chastely unzipped his jeans, it took only one red second before he was all over me again.
That night my neighbors didn't get much sleep given how the headboard of my bed kept on repeatedly hitting against the wall.
In the morning, Naruto was gone.
Just like I had learned over the past month, I curled up in my depression once again and withdrew from the world. Kankuro called me on a daily basis. He begged me to spend the weekend with his family, promising I would enjoy it.
Repeatedly I refused the honor. Until one time he told me Kiba would be there. Even though I harbored no romantic feelings for him anymore, the scent of sand and ice cream floated in my nose out of nowhere.
I said I would think about it.
"Good. And oh, Naruto's going to be there too, with his wife."
The next empty seconds crawled forward painfully slowly, leaving me with a feeling of desolation. On the other end of the line, Kankuro was unaware of the change in my mood. It turned out Naruto had gotten married in the autumn and lived just a few blocks away from me.
That night I walked the streets aimlessly, searching for a purpose to my unsatisfying existence. Pavement as black as the sky mirrored my mood with more accuracy than words ever could. Neon lights and fluorescence glow polluted the sky to a point I was not able to see the blanket of stars draped over the city. I knew they were there, shiny and eternal and out of my reach.
With defeat weighing my shoulders down, I dropped my gaze from the skies and went through the numerous lit up windows that ornamented the dark concrete walls like glowing embers.
Maybe Naruto was in one of them. But just like the stars he, too, was hidden.
On Saturday, regret steadily grew in the back of my mind as I witnessed the easy-going interaction between my brother's family and the other guests they had invited. Needless to say, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I wanted to blame it on my depression.
To imagine I had once had almost otherworldly connection with Kiba and plastered his smiling face on the dreams of my future. Now it all felt nothing but a distant piece of a memory so murky I began to doubt it had even happened. The scent of his shampoo wafted in my nose when he walked past me like I was not even there, and I let a tiny corner of my mind be flooded with the endless summer days that had shaped me more permanently than I was comfortable admitting.
Just when I let my gaze linger on Kiba's retreating back longer than was probably appropriate, he turned left and vanished into the kitchen. I followed, not sure what was pulling me along. Maybe it was the scent of dinner Kankuro was working on by the stove, or the aroma of coffee that threatened to overbrew in the French press, but when I got nearer Kiba closed the door, once again unaware of my invisible presence.
I stood there alone, in a dead-end and suddenly the tension in the house grew and grew and I was ready to admit it was just a crooked interpretation of my own, until I saw the tensed way Kankuro's wife was setting the table in the living room.
Naruto was nowhere to be seen. I had noticed his orange sneakers in the hallway, but I quickly dismissed the notion like I was stung by a needle. I found a lone chair in the corner of the living room and in my spot I felt comfortably invisible. The kitchen door was opened again and the mouth-watering scent of Kankuro's cooking made everyone sniff their noses in hungry anticipation.
I left my safe spot to wash my hands and when I came back, I saw him.
There on the plush couch sat Naruto next to his perfect wife. His smile was white and blinding and her glossy, pink hair looked effortlessly elegant. His hand rubbed her bare knee just where the hem of her skirt began, and the soft sigh she whispered in his ear told she loved him, too.
I couldn't breathe. I wanted Naruto to notice me, the way he was noticing her, and yet at the same time, I wished I would disappear. I told myself my feelings were only a side effect of my depression, born from the numerous disappointments I had endured in most of my romantic relationships. I told myself this disease would fade away like the endless summer when I, Kiba and Naruto had driven across the country like a group of nomads.
I told myself I would eventually forget the silent moments me and Naruto spent at the campfire, sitting closer than was probably appropriate, while another long phone call had drawn Kiba in to the RV. In those quiet moments, I never started a conversation for I was afraid one word would leave to another and open a gate that shouldn't be unlocked.
While the embers cracked and we watched their dying glow, my thoughts drifted off to Naruto's lips, how my cock had pushed past them when he had taken me into his mouth on that one, untold evening. I kept on cherishing these little images, hoping it would happen again someday, maybe. Hoping Naruto would fill the void in my heart that just kept on growing bigger.
I told myself these feelings would go away.
Instead they kept on growing like a tumor, like a stowaway you knew was there but were too carefree to do anything about, hoping it would jump off the next station. But as I should have known, Naruto traveled with me everywhere I went, his invisible existence following me one step behind like a second shadow.
"Gaara! How nice to see you here. I thought you wouldn't come at all."
Naruto smiled at me widely and the little nervousness he showed was gone in the next moment. Next to him Sakura was smiling, unaware.
I could have said something nice in return, maybe drop a few courtesies on the way. I could have praised his stunning wife, or tell him how happy I was to bump into him like this. I could've lied and said I was doing fine.
Instead, I took one insecure step towards the man who was not quite my friend, not quite my lover. He had always been a shadow behind me and Kiba, tagging along for reasons I never questioned, always assuming he would be there for me, even though I had never really been there for him.
In my ears I heard the echo of my headboard hitting against the wall, and the soft thumps of my neighbor's tired fist on the other side when it was 2 A.M. and we still hadn't stopped.
I could have said I was doing fine. I should have told just that.
"I love you."
I had not intended to say it, but the words just slid out of my mouth like Naruto's softening erection on that one, lucky night.
When I saw the look on Sakura's face, I felt instantly sorry, maybe more for myself than for her. It was a mix of surprise and disdain, like I was a beggar asking for some change. I never stayed to see what Naruto would answer, if he would answer anything at all.
I rushed to the streets, out of radar.
Kankuro didn't call me for two days. A spurt of energy had taken me over and led me to cleaning up the mess my apartment had turned into. Many of my belongings were already packed neatly in cardboard boxes that filled up most of the living room.
I was going to move out.
I had no new address yet, nothing was confirmed, but I had evaluated that six boxes would fit into my sedan. The rest of them I would drop at a nearby flea market, and the few pieces of furniture I owned I would gladly leave behind.
"Where are you going to go?" Kankuro's surprised voice asked over the line.
"To the west. I've always wanted to live by the seaside."
"What about your job?"
That was a valid point, one that I had not thought through. In the heat of the moment, something like that hadn't felt meaningful.
"Gaara, are you still there? What about your job?"
The next weeks saw me curled up in my bed, lacking food and self-care. The cardboard boxes still stood in the living room and a faint layer of dust had gathered on top of them.
Time crawled forward in that setting for a while. I became accustomed to the towers of boxes in my space, forever waiting for a change that never came.
Until one sunny day, when I was walking to a small diner I occasionally visited but this time, I stopped on the doorway, frightened, as if someone was pointing their gun at me.
I saw them there, picture perfect and flawless, like gods among mortals. Their silken hair glowed in fluorescent light, and god how white their teeth were. I looked like shit in my wrinkled jacket, and the jersey that had fitted me flatteringly just four months ago now hung on me lifelessly like a rag two sizes too big.
Her laughter was as sweet as strawberries and with disdain I wondered if Naruto really loved her, like it so obviously looked like, or if he secretly hated her just as much as I did. His charming blue eyes were reserved to observing her only, and in this whole world all he saw was her.
I wanted that attention instead, and even though I knew it didn't rightfully belong to me, I made my way towards them anyway.
He didn't see me coming. It was only when Sakura's nostrils flared in disgust―or maybe the stench of dust and loneliness woven into the fibers of my clothes, into my soul, was just too strong to dismiss without reaction―only then did Naruto wake up from his daydreams and realize something was wrong.
I slammed my palms against the table and leaned my light weight on it, like I was seeking for support. And I was, indeed, for the moment Naruto's blue eyes noticed me, it felt like all the bones in my body disappeared.
"G-Gaara?"
But it was too late for his surprise now. I had already made up my mind, come this far, and even with the last shreds of my dignity gone, I would not back down.
Her strawberry-colored nails twisted the napkin she was holding. Naruto leaned backwards, away from me, and it was not totally clear to me if it was because of the stench, or because he wanted to take a good look at me.
I took a cherry tomato from her plate and ate it unashamedly while staring at the blond man who had miserably managed to steal my sanity. A sweet drop of juice slid down my chin and I wondered if Naruto really preferred her strawberry juices over mine. I never bothered to wipe my face, for in that moment world was as small as a pool of deepest, coolest blue I had ever fallen in love with.
"Gaara? Is everything alright?"
His confusion was sincere and warm yet it was not enough. Nothing was enough but his tormenting existence following me around until it would merge into me in a way my neighbors wouldn't forget anytime soon.
I should've backed away right then, before the irreversible happened. They looked happy together, and the world would've been a better place without me staining their glossy little lives. In a way, I felt like a victim throwing myself under the bus, or maybe it was them who were the victims of my train that was coming at them, fast.
"You remember that night, Naruto, when you gripped my hair and screwed me right there on the hallway floor? When you told me you had never loved anyone like you loved me, and that only I could make you whole in a way no one else could? Yeah, I'm talking about that one particular night two months ago when you had hidden your wedding ring in your pocket."
We all just held our breaths and it felt like the room was full of gas and someone was just about to light a match.
A/N: You know the kind of stories where it feels like the whole journey begins where the story ends? I wanted to try that kind of thing in this, I don't know if I succeeded in it, but that's what I was aiming for.
Thank you for reading!