Title: Acta est fabula (plaudite)
Rating: T
Pairing(s): Sebofsky; Sebastian-centric
Warning(s): Drugs, Alcohol, Angst, Suicide
Summary: The movie might seem real but he knows it isn't.
Word Count: 1623
Beta: None
A/N: This is really angsty and I'm sorry. I listened to a lot of sad songs while writing it, but I mainly listened to "7 Minutes In Heaven (Atavan Halen)" by Fall Out Boy and "Just A Game" by Birdy. There is no character death, but it's really, really angsty (in my opinion) so avoid if that bothers you. It has a happy ending, surprisingly. It's also really stylized writing and I'm sorry if it sucks.
P.S. All of my knowledge of drugs and it's effects are limited to the internet and health class. I'm sorry if it's inaccurate and sounds horrible.
Acta est fabula
When he thinks about his life, he tries to think of it in the view of a movie.
Like a film playing on the big screen.
Like it isn't his own.
It makes it easier really
(it doesn't)
because he can pretend it's a movie he likes instead of a movie he hates.
He can change the genre even.
He can make it a drama some days and make it a redemption story the next
and he can give it a happy ending
(the redemption one receives mixed reviews).
x
He can't go home alone anymore.
He thinks he's broken
that maybe bearcub made him hate himself a little more
not like it was possible
(with the way things have been he's beginning to think it's a possibility).
He tries to picture the movie but the screen is getting tilted and blurry, maybe the projector needs cleaning.
Someone isn't keeping maintenance in there.
And maybe he should fire the person writing the script.
He doesn't really like the way the story's panning out
(the tragic love story of a boy and his medicine bottle).
x
He tosses and turns at night because the bed's too big
and there isn't a warm body to push away anymore.
There never should have been in the first place.
He knows it was a mistake
(it's the only one he'd do a million times over).
That being with Dave had an expiration date.
He knows that it was all about the physical
and that Dave never really cared to begin with.
Sebastian didn't either.
("Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.")
x
The house is too empty and his skin itches.
But everything is light and he feels warm all over.
When he scratches his arm it feels amazing
like he's been waiting years to do it.
(it's starting to scar from the injections; he should have stuck with the pills)
His legs feel too far away to get up so he just lays on the sofa
and closes his eyes and smiles at nothing or maybe something
he doesn't know what though.
Or if there's anything to smile about anyways.
(When he was little, she used to say he had the most beautiful smile; he misses her)
x
He can see Dave.
It should make him feel good but it doesn't.
It makes him hurt more
and he thinks he probably should have took a dose before coming.
(It's not like his words would be any less confusing when he says them)
He stops Dave at the door and Dave looks at him
really looks at him.
And Dave's face falls and his eyes widen and Sebastian wonders why he looks so scared
and sad.
("You're not you anymore, Sebastian." "How would you know?")
x
When he gets home from Scandals
he hopes there's a car in the driveway
but he's greeted with the same untouched gravel and empty garage.
It's no big deal.
(he needs them there; they need to come home; he's scaring himself again)
He tries to call but there's no answer
and he figures it's for the better.
So he lies down on the couch again and breaks the same old skin with the same old needle.
Fifteen minutes and he's happy again.
("This is Russell Smythe. I can't answer the phone right now. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you." "…")
x
He stops going to Scandals.
He stops having sex with random strangers with low self-esteem and low standards.
He stops wanting to have sex.
It shouldn't feel as pointless as it does.
(does Dave even notice he's gone?)
It's summer so there's no classes.
And he's glad.
He doesn't need fake people and their fake concern.
He doesn't need anyone.
(he wonders when being alone became default in his life)
x
The script is getting worse
and the movie's losing it's viewers.
Sometimes he falls asleep during parts of it
and he can't remember what happened while he was out.
("Sebastian? Sebastian, you need to answer your phone when I call. Heather's becoming worried about you and so am I. We're coming home in a week. I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you sound so distant on the phone and sometimes I can't figure out what you're talking about. When we get back, I'm sending you to a doctor unless you explain your-" "I have to go. Mom's here." "What do you mean your mother's th-")
The movie might seem real
but he knows it isn't.
The mother role is missing when she shouldn't be
and he can't remember the actress who played her.
(it's been nine years since he's seen her and he can't remember if her eyes were blue or green)
x
There's a knock at his door so he answers
and Dave looks at him like he's forgotten Sebastian lived here.
Sebastian's words end up jumbled and weird
and they make Dave look like he wants to cry.
("Why are you doing this, Bas?" "It helps me see the things that I usually can't. Feels good." "I'm worried about you." "You weren't worried when you left." "I thought you wanted me to leave?" "I didn't. Now I do.")
When Dave leaves he can't remember entirely why
or if he said something to him to hurt him.
He hopes he didn't but then again maybe he needed to.
Dave deserves more than someone who can't remember what day it is.
("Just go, David. I don't want you here. I don't think I ever did.")
x
("This is Russell Smythe. I can't answer the phone right now. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you." "You probably should have came home. Mom left and I think I want to go with her. I never liked this house. I'm sorry for leaving, Dad, but I can't stay here anymore. You've got Heather, she'll be there for you. Maybe I'll see you again some day. I don't know. France is a big place.")
x
One day the movie starts to reach it's climax
(he's taken whiskey with his choice poison)
and the lead looks ready to go home.
(he can hear his heartbeat in his ears)
He thinks maybe it's time for it to come to an end.
(he can't feel very much and everything is white around the edges)
The movie looks like it has a nice ending at least.
(the bottle's on the floor now and he can't bring himself to pick it up)
He's actually smiling at the screen, he's glad to see the mother is back.
(he's hardly breathing)
She's more beautiful than he remembered.
(his heart is so slow that he can count it's beats)
The lead walks away with his mom and the screen fades to black.
(the world fades to black)
x
("You can't do this to me, Bas. Wake up. Wake the fuck up!")
x
(plaudite)
When Sebastian wakes up, there's way too much white and not enough shadows to shield his eyes. He tries to cover his them, but his arms feel heavy and sore. He turns his head to the side and squints. There's a dark blob of a person bundled up in a what looks like a blanket sitting in a chair beside his bed (bed?) and he can't see any details or their face. Everything looks blurry, really.
After what feels like eternity but might really only be a few minutes, the whiteness is less overpowering and he can see the person has dark brown hair. They turn over and his heart almost skips a beat.
Which, okay, is both terrifying and extremely girly, but whatever.
x
Dave appears to be having a bad dream because every few seconds he'll go from looking fine to wincing and Sebastian wishes he had the strength to reach out and smooth out the little wrinkle his forehead gets when he frowns.
Sebastian's been watching him, uninterrupted, for about an hour now he thinks. A quick glance around the room had confirmed that he was in a hospital. He doesn't remember why he's here, but it's obvious something bad happened when he took the morphine last night (which might not have been last night). He really hopes Dave wasn't the one who found him.
x
When Dave wakes up, he looks to Sebastian right away. Sebastian stares back at him and before he can say anything, he's got an armful of cub. Dave doesn't say anything and neither does Sebastian. He wants to ask if he almost did it, if he almost lost everything, but he can't get the words past the lump in his throat. His face is damp and when Dave pulls back, he can see the tear tracks from the old and the new. Dave touches his cheek like he's made of glass.
"Don't you ever leave me, you got that Smythe?" he says.
And for the first time in who knows how long, Sebastian smiles. It's huge and goofy and makes his face hurt in the best way ever and he basks in it, lets the feel of it imprint his memory so he'll never forget how it feels. Dave smiles, too, and Sebastian tries to memorize it as well; the way Dave's eyes crinkle at the corners and how the irises swirl in shades of green and brown freckles. The way his laugh lines turn up. The way he looks so worn and yet so alive by just smiling.
He commits it all to memory and decides that even if he can't remember the color of a woman who died nine years ago's eyes, at least he can remember the color of Dave's.
And maybe that's more important, anyways.