FADE IN
INT - SEVENTH HEAVEN BAR
BARRET WALLACE, who looks like Mr.T with only slightly less bling, a badass and a half, big, strong, and vocal cords to match,
looks to the doorway of the Seventh Heaven Pub from behind the bar.
INT - DOORWAY
TIFA LOCKHART, who looks like Punky Brewster all grown up, has a rebellious lazy pose against the doorway accentuating her curves and her attitude,
and
CLOUD STRIFE, who looks like a skinny Super Saiyan with a dirty Soldier uniform,
enter the front door.
BARRET
Tifa. Who's this pansy-ass muddafukka at my door?
Cloud looks back at his new "friend" with a bewildered, childlike face.
CLOUD
… Ah … … Uhm … …Actually…
(stands straight, yells)
Soldier First Class Cloud Strife SIR!
Tifa stares back at Barret like he's committed a crime.
TIFA
I'm twenty now, Old Man!
I can bring home whomever I want!
BARRET
HEY! That's Big Brutha ta you!
An' don't you be suckin' face wit' Pretty Boy in front of Baby Girl.
CLOUD (thinking)
He thinks I'm her boyfriend or something?
Old Man slash Big Brother? And a baby?
What kind of family is this?
MARLENE WALLACE, a.k.a. "Baby Girl" – looks like Shirley Temple with a hair cut from BoRics -four years old and cute to boot - Barret's pride and joy – enters from the back room, and walks toward the adults with an added twirl to display her new cotton dress of pink and yellow pastels, complimenting her porcelain-white baby face.
MARLENE
Your Princess… has arrived.
CLOUD (thinking)
Barret, the results are in- you are NOT the father…
Cloud's mouth explodes like a loud fart as he can't contain the giggles in his belly.
MARLENE
Who's this fart-mouth pansy-ass excuse for a Soldier?
BARRET
Now that's my Baby Girl!
A trio of bandanna-wearing Karate Kid thugs push their way through the door.
CLOUD (thinking)
Lemmee guess– the cousin-bros ?
TIFA
Goddamit, Cloud! You thinking out loud again?
The short one with a hoodie unzips to reveal a bouncy ponytail and a Colgate smile.
MARLENE
Aunt Jessieeee!
CLOUD
Your cousin's hot!
TIFA
(irritated)
She's a dyke.
JESSIE exacts a perfect punch to Tifa's face. Sounds exactly like the movie sfx where they whip a cabbage to sound like a punch.
Jessie continues to offend Tifa by licking her "boyfriend's" face.
CLOUD
(smiling)
Uh, no she's not.
The tallest Karate Kid's jaw drops.
Tifa rolls her eyes then licks Cloud's face, making sure Jessie and Barret can see.
JESSIE
You want a piece o' me, Biggs?
Fix yer slack jaw an' fight for it!
BIGGS and Jessie literally fight each other. It is obvious their passion for each other is eclipsed only by their passion for fighting.
WEDGE, the portly Karate Kid, laughs in delight at the soap opera laid out before him. Cloud joins in for the same reason.
BARRET
Whatch you two laughin' at?
Blondie, yo' pretty-boy face started this ruckus!
Wedge, yo' ugly mug inspired no one!
Wedge throws the first punch.
WEDGE
Don't you dare touch Jessie!
Or Tifa for that matter!
CLOUD
Jessie and Tifa touched me.
You jealous?
WEDGE
Why I oughtta…
Wedge throws another punch, Cloud casually blocks it with his newfound confidence, and punches Wedge in the jaw.
More fighting ensues. Even the cat is fighting a rodent.
Barret and Tifa lean back onto the bar, Marlene at their feet, gladly watching the fights.
TIFA
You think our baby should be watching this, Big Brutha?
BARRET
All the better to learn from, Momma.
TIFA
Ten gil each on Cousin Wedge and Aunt Jessie.
BARRET
You bet AGAINST yo' boyfriend and FOR yo' competition?
TIFA
Nah, nah, it's not like that. It's always been you, Daddy.
Cloud's mako-enhanced hearing picked up every last word.
CLOUD
(KO's Wedge)
Oh, so that's how it is!
And I thought you wanted to keep me around for this Avalanche job
so you could put the moves on me! I'd've been okay with that!
TIFA
(blushes)
Don't flatter yourself, Cloud.
But you do take things a bit too literally.
Welcome to the family… … … Bro.
Tifa kisses Cloud on the cheek, just a little too close to his mouth, if you ask me.
FADE TO BLACK