I wanted to be able to tell you.
When you sat across from me at that table in Apollo's Cafe, gorgeous eyes the colour of whiskey staring into mine, confirming the nervousness I could hear in your voice, I just wanted to jump out of my seat and declare it for the world to hear. But I can't.
I still, and always will, remember the moment that I met you. Three years, five months, two days and about sixteen hours ago. Then-Captain Anderson was introducing his new crew to the Normandy, and there you were, this gorgeous quiet Lieutenant smiling politely and soaking in every word that your new C.O. had to say. I knew right away that you were someone special. Anderson gave the ground crew - me, you and Corporal Jenkins - an hour to get to know each other before we had to start running through the various safety drills that are compulsory when joining any new ship. You were so polite, so warm, so shy but still with that little hint of cockiness that you have. You spoke of what an honour it was to be chosen for the ship. I got the feeling that Jenkins initially thought you were just a suck-up, but I found your integrity endearing. You're a soldier until the end and that's one of the reasons why I...
...
Although I'd always known that there was something very special about you, my feelings for you really began to change and grow stronger when you told me about BAaT and Rahna. The story was so sad - you fought to protect the girl that you loved, even killing someone because he hurt her - but it was also so...endearing. Sexy. Here is a man that will do anything to protect those that are close to him. Here is a man not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve and open up about an event that he freely admits screwed his head up in ways that most of us can only begin to imagine. Those are two more of the reasons why I...
...
I wonder sometimes about why I made the decision that I did on Virmire. Did I sacrifice Ashley because I truly felt that that was the right thing to do? I know that I gave her the hero's death that she and her family deserved, clearing their bad name. I know that she set the bomb to explode despite my clear orders not to do so. I know that you are a higher ranking officer and, to be honest, in my opinion a better soldier. It was the logical choice to make. I think. Did I let my personal feelings cloud my decision? Is the real reason why I left Ashley behind that I knew my heart would shatter into a million pieces if I had left you behind? I could never tell you this, of course. If you had any idea of my doubts then you, being as caring and thoughtful as you are, would only blame yourself for her death. I can't let you do that. Because I...
...
The night before Ilos. The best night of my life. Finally, I had you all to myself. Finally, Mr. Integrity had given in, had admitted that lo... that romance in the face of death was more important than obeying Alliance regulations. When you walked into my quarters my heart beat so fast that for a moment I was worried that I would have a heart attack. When you stepped towards me, your face so close to mine I could feel your breath on my cheeks, I thought my chest was going to explode. You began to talk about...something. I vaguely remember the words "regs" and "Alliance" but I couldn't concentrate because that was the first time I noticed all of those tiny scars you have. A multitude of tiny faint lines glowing in the dim blue light, accentuating your features, giving your face a raw powerful beauty. The mark of a soldier who has spent more than a decade in service.
"You and I...we...are what's important right now"
Those are the most beautiful words I have ever heard. They invoked a feeling in me that I can't explain. It was as if a dozen butterflies had taken residence in my stomach, the ground was shaking under my feet, my knees had ceased to exist and my head had gone into a state of passive observation. Whenever things get on top of me, whenever the galaxy seems too much for me to bear, I remember those words, I remember that feeling, and they always give me the strength I need to get through it all.
When we kissed, I felt...something too powerful for words. What happened next is a memory I'll cherish until my final breath. And beyond.
When I died, a thousand things rushed through my head. But none of them were about myself, my chances of survival, the rest of the crew of the Normandy; I selfishly admit that they were all about you. Were you ok? Would your life pod make it? Would you mourn me? Would you live a happy life? The physical pain that I felt was numbed by the crushing realization that I would never see you again. Never see your smile. Never hear your voice. Never be able to tell you how much I...
...
When I woke, the first thing I remember is thinking of you. I'm sure that I dreamt of you while I was in that coma, recovering. I don't remember what happened in those dreams, only the picture of your face, those eyes, that smile. The sound of your voice, a voice that makes me want to melt, whispering my name into my ear. As soon as I was on board the Normandy I told Joker to head straight for the Citadel. I needed to know where you were. I spoke to Anderson, and when he told me that you weren't contactable, a part of me felt like I was dying again. As thankful as I was that you were ok, I needed to be near you. I longed to see you again.
That wish was fulfilled on Horizon. When I saw you my head froze, and when I hugged you my heart joined it for a moment. In the worst of places - a colony in the aftermath of an horrific attack - there you were, suddenly making it the greatest place there was. But you quickly became angry. You shouted at me, you called me a traitor...those words hurt me more than you could ever know. I was crushed. My head began to spin, I felt sick in the pit of my stomach, and afterwards I couldn't get off of that planet fast enough. You broke my heart. But I still...
...
I kept that message you sent me to apologise afterwards. I lost count of the number of times I read it; every time I checked my messages I would read it again. When you mentioned going on a date with another woman it... it hurt. I know I shouldn't be selfish enough to expect you to sit around and mourn me forever, but I... I can't stand the thought of you with someone else. Although, it didn't hurt as much as when you mentioned your guilt that you had survived and I had not. I don't ever want you to feel pain because of me. When you said that you didn't know if I was still the same person, when you hinted that maybe the night before Ilos didn't mean as much to me as it did to you... I was crushed. Literally. I closed my eyes for a moment and I was back in orbit over Alchera, dying all over again. That night meant everything to me and I will always be the same woman. The woman who...
...
The day the Reapers finally invaded Earth was an incredible one. I know that's possibly the most disturbing and backwards thing I've ever said...wrote...but it's true; because it was the first time I saw you since Horizon. I'd spent so much time thinking of you - Where were you? What were you doing? - and then there you were, again when I was least expecting you. I'm glad you'd gotten that promotion to Major; I have never and will never meet a finer or more loyal marine.
Then there was Mars. I guess I've blocked most of that from my memory. I knew it was coming, I know you far too well to assume that there wouldn't be a confrontation between the two of us and I could feel the friction and...animosity, I guess...coming off of you during the flight there. After we had found Liara and were fighting our way to the tram line I wanted nothing more than to break down and cry, to scream at you that you were breaking my...
...
At the end of the mission, when Eva grabbed you, that was the only time in my life that I've felt truly helpless. In a way, I felt ashamed of myself; I'm a marine, I'm a Spectre, I'm a leader, I'm simply not allowed to feel that way. But I did. I had no choice but to stand there and watch her try to... watch her try to kill you. Back on the Normandy, Liara almost had to physically drag me away from you. I was so ashamed, so hurt, so guilty about what had happened to you. When we arrived at the Citadel there were doctors waiting to take you to the hospital. I followed almost immediately afterwards. I had a meeting with the Council, but I didn't care. Nothing mattered to me more than making sure that you were ok. I am nothing without my team, and I am certainly nothing without you.
And then I had to leave you. It was almost as hard as leaving Earth. But I had a galaxy to save, and so I had to trust that the doctors could...would...save you. Somehow it had fallen on me to right the many wrongs of the galaxy, and I had to go out there and fight. The missions flew by; in the depths of war you have no time to stop and think. Before I knew it, you were awake and recovering and I could go and visit you. I looked forward to when you would be discharged, in the vain glimmer of hope that you would re-join the Normandy. I never imagined that the first time I would see you out of the hospital would go the way it did.
Of all the things that could ever possibly happen, and given all of the impossible things that have happened to me, I never would have believed that I would one day be staring down the barrel of your gun. That moment was so surreal. For one terrible moment I thought that Garrus was going to shoot you, I was so scared that you wouldn't trust me and would continue to defend that traitor Udina. I...I don't want to dwell on that day. Too much happened, so much hurt and pain. But the important thing is that you took that chance and we all made it out of there alive (those of us that matter, anyway). You trusted me when all the evidence told you not to. You always see the best in people, another reason why I...
...
When you rejoined the Normandy, I can't tell you how happy I was. Finally, I had the Alliance's best marine back by my side, where you belong. Those little chats we have on board the ship, they help me more than you'll know. All of the squad help me through, I couldn't do any of this without you all next to me, but you especially can get me through the darkest of days. No matter what the Reapers or Cerberus want to throw at me, not matter how stressed I am or how much I feel the weight of multiple worlds on my shoulders, I know that I can just talk to you and it will all melt away.
Then there was today.
Today was special to me; the opportunity to spend some time alone with you off of the Normandy that didn't involve guns, explosions or Reapers. My heart fluttered when I arrived at the cafe and saw you sat there. I actually hesitated for a moment; I wanted to soak in the memory of you just sitting there, peacefully, all evidence of the war temporarily wiped from existence. Then you saw me and your face just lit up...words can't express how incredible that made me feel. We chatted, we joked, and then...
And then you told me how you feel about me. I should have been so happy; finally my wishes were coming true and I was hearing what I wanted to hear the most. But then time seemed to slow around me. I've known for a long time that I'm not going to survive this war. I'm going to win it, you can be damn sure of that, but I'm not going to walk away afterwards. I'm not even meant to be here now, I should be lying on Alchera, just a mess of burnt bones. I feel it in my soul...the end is coming for me. It's liberating in a way. I had a friend, Thane - the drell you met in Huerta Memorial - he knew that he was dying for a long time, and he didn't care. I didn't understand how he could be so at peace with his own mortality until now. You'd think that it makes you lose control over yourself, your life, but it doesn't. It sets you free. But knowing that I'm dying means knowing that I will leave you behind. I can't stand the idea of you mourning me. My heart, my soul, every fibre of my being feels like it's being ripped apart just from the thought of it. I don't want you to feel pain. I don't want you to feel sadness, I don't want you to long for me when I'm gone. I want you to be happy. I want you to get married, go back to Vancouver, meet a girl, get married and have the most sickeningly adorable babies ever born. I want you to have a life.
A life that is not meant for me.
Sometimes, even though you want to hold on with all of your might, love means letting go.
I love you Kaidan, and that's why I have to let you go.