Crossposted from my Ao3 account "fullofstarlight".
The small bit of reprieve could have never lasted even on a planet as remote as Hoth. Rey dodges a couple of Resistance soldiers running in her direction. Her fingers grip her helmet tightly. She's new to this—not to flying itself, but flying an X-Wing is a different beast than piloting a speeder or a ship. It will be okay, she tells herself. If she's survived this long, she can survive another day.
Rey enters the hangar. She shifts through the chaos. Her gaze locks on Finn. Her feet slow to a stop. Finn's feet shift as his gaze falls to the floor. A smile flickers across his lips but fades as quickly as it came. Nervousness shrouds him like a thick cloak.
"Hey," he says, his hand rubbing the back of his head nervously.
"Hey," Rey says.
"So, I guess you're going out there, then?" he says.
"I have to," Rey says.
"I know."
There's a pause between them. Finn manages to look up to her. His eyes meet hers. "You've been different since…"
He doesn't need to finish for Rey to know what he's referring to. Since Crait. The memory of what had transpired in Snoke's throne room haunts her every single day. Rey's eyes lower to her feet. She toes the floor as if that small movement can alleviate the conflicting feelings within her. She thought she could bring him to the light. She thought wrong.
"Rey, I'm sorry," Finn says. "I didn't mean—"
"It's okay." Rey's response is quick and dishonest. Because, she's not okay. She doesn't know why, but Ben Solo—no, Kylo Ren—had hurt her in a way she'd never been hurt before. The way her sorrow cut so raw and deep—she's not sure she's ever felt something quite like it.
"Just…" Finn's voice is a soft plea. "Please... come back."
"I'll try." Rey has decided at this point that she can no longer make promise that she knows she might not be able to keep. Her eyes raise to meet his. She can feel emotion bubbling within him. He wants her to promise him she'll return, but she won't. It wouldn't be fair to him if she couldn't hold to her promise.
"When you come back, I need to tell you something," he says.
"If," She reminds.
"When," he seems so confident in her survival.
Finn touches the top of her shoulder and gives it a squeeze. He walks passed her. She can feel this strange energy resonating from him, but she can't quite understand it. He cares about her a great deal—maybe more than anyone else has cared for her actually. Rey turns on her heel and watches as he leaves the hangar. She'll survive, because he needs her. Finn, her first friend in the galaxy, needs her to live. So, she must make it through whatever The First Order has prepared for the Resistance.
Rey places the helmet on her head and walks to her X-Wing. She climbs into the cockpit and stares down at the controls. A haze seems to come over her. What if Ben is out there? Rey shivers at the very thought of it. She's been fortunate enough that they've never crossed paths since she cut off their connection through the Force. Rey's hand shakes as she presses the button to power up her X-Wing.
If he's out there—if they come head to head—could she pull the trigger? Rey remembers his unconscious body on the throne room floor. She couldn't kill him then, and she's not sure if she can kill him now. She leans back in her chair and forces him from her mind. Focus , she reminds herself. But, try as she might, her mind is scattered like some unfinished puzzle.
"Black Leader on standby," Poe's voice comes through the commlink. "Waiting on your command, General."
"I'm ready when you are," Leia's voice comes through the commlink.
Rey presses the button to close the top of her X-Wing. The glass lowers, cocooning her inside the small cockpit. She glances out the hangar door. It is the polar opposite of Jakku. The ground is covered in a thick blanket of snow. The planet is uninhabitable to most life forms. To be stranded outside the walls of Echo Base would be a death sentence and a horrible one at that. Even if one were to survive a crash landing, they'd still be marked for death if left for a day on this planet's surface. Her muscles constrict. She will have to take extra caution.
"Black Squadron we're ready for lift off!" Poe calls through the radio.
Rey presses a series of buttons. She leans back in her seat as the X-Wing moves forward on the runway. She grips her joystick tightly with her right hand and keeps her eyes forwards. No mistakes, she reminds herself. On Hoth, mistakes equal death.
Rey accelerates her X-Wing forward. She pulls back on the joystick and lifts off the runway. The droid is calibrating her systems to adjust to light snowfall. Rey frowns. She'd feel safer if BB-8 were her wing man rather than this random droid they stuffed in the back of her X-Wing.
"All Wings report in!" Poe calls through the radio.
Rey hears several of her comrades confirming through the radio. She reaches down and presses against a button. "Black Five standing by."
A swarm of TIE fighters bank left to confront them. Rey's eyes skim through the sea of fighters in search for Kylo Ren's custom TIE fighter. She releases a breath of relief into the air. He's not here. Nor would he be. He is the Supreme Leader. He would likely be held up safely in The First Order's flagship rather than be anywhere near Hoth's surface. Safe at base—just like his mother is safely guarded inside Echo Base's heavily fortified walls. Mother versus son. Rey had hoped that the rest of the galaxy would be less cruel than Jakku had been. Sometimes it seems as if the rest of the galaxy is actually worse.
Rey steadies her X-Wing, trying to maintain balance in the snowfall. An array of laser beams launch from the oncoming swarm of TIE fighters. Rey tilts her joystick left, nearly dodging an oncoming laser beam. Rey fires back, hitting the wing of a TIE fighter clean off. The TIE fighter spirals to the ground and explodes upon impact against the surface.
The victory lifts her spirits and all of her worries retreat to the back of her mind. Rey banks her X-Wing right to dodge two oncoming TIE fighters. A fighter centers in her targeting system. Rey bites her lower lip and fires. It's a direct hit. The TIE fighter explodes, its pieces falling to the surface of Hoth as if they've become part of the snowfall.
"Nice shot, Black Five!" Poe calls through the radio.
Rey smiles. Her confidence rises as she moves through the sky with ease. She can do this. An explosion rocks her X-Wing. Rey tilts her joystick, briefly balancing her X-Wing. A chunk of what use to be an X-Wing falls against her port side wing. Rey lets out a yelp as the X-Wing spins out of control. She pulls the joystick, trying to force the X-Wing out of its tailspin. It spirals to the ground, the impact of the crash sending a sharp pain through her right shoulder and her left side.
Rey had expected death upon impact, but apparently, she's still breathing. Her head is searing in pain and she can't seem to move her right arm. She leans forward, feeling her entire body cry out to her in horrible pain. Rey reaches forward with her left hand to the commlink.
"Black Leader," her words are weak as she calls to Poe through the radio. "Black Leader, can you hear me?"
The X-Wing's engine fails, shutting down all of her systems. Rey leans back against her seat. She can already feel the heat fading from the cockpit. She tries to move her right arm once more, but the pain is too much. Her head is so hazy. It's so cold. She closes her eyes. Rey wonders how long the Force can keep her alive. It seems so hopeless to even try to prolong her life through the Force. It might be for the best to just let it all go. She could join Luke in the Force. She could be at peace.
Finn—he had meant to tell her something. Rey's eyes snap open. She cannot die like this. She clutches her arm and moves forward. A sharp feeling runs through her. She grits her teeth as she looks down at a piece of shrapnel lodged in her side. Rey lets her head fall back as tears come to her eyes. Is this really it? Hoth of all places. No, she does not wish to die here.
Rey falls back on her seat. Her communication systems are down. She's too injured to leave her cockpit and fire a flare gun. She looks upward. The battle still rages on above her. She wonders if Poe even knows that she's still alive. Rey's accustomed to the heat of Jakku, but to be freezing cold is so much worse. Her entire body shivers as the cold air takes its hold. A part of her thinks it might be better to find her blaster and put herself out of her misery. To die a prolonged death of exposure to such a harsh climate seems like torture.
The thought of suicide dances in her head. She thinks a head shot would be the quickest way out. Then, she imagines Finn finding her remains in the cockpit, and she just knows that she cannot do it. It would be too much for him to take. But, Poe would be there for him and so would Rose. Rey tries to rationalize it in her mind—tries to convince herself that suicide is her best option. She can't. Rey knows it would be too much. It's deeper than just the feelings of her friends, but also that she means something to the Resistance. She is the last Jedi and their symbol of hope. Once the Resistance discovers her suicide, it will break their morale.
An irrational sort of anger stirs within her. If they didn't have so much faith in her, she could just kill herself. She wouldn't have to be this cold. Why do people have to care so damn much! Rey grits her teeth. She's being irrational. She knows this. But, she's just so cold and death isn't coming fast enough. Rey looks up to the glass. It's almost completely covered in snow now. She imagines her X-Wing will be buried under a thick layer of snow by the end of the battle. The Resistance will have a hard time finding her. At first, she tries to rationalize that they'll never find her. So, she could just take herself out, couldn't she? But, no, Leia would never stop her search until she found a body. Damn her—damn her and her son!
Rey's irrational near death blame game finally lands on Kylo Ren. This is all his fault! If he had just taken her side, if he hadn't wanted to sit on that throne too damn much, this battle would have never occurred in the first place. This is his fault for manipulating her through that bond of theirs. Her heart feels as if it has stopped at the thought. No, no, no, she thinks to herself in half panic, don't even think it! But, she already has, and it's the only way she won't die a prolonged death. She's both angry and conflicted all at the same time. She can either die a prolonged, miserable death in this cramped cockpit or she can surrender herself to Kylo Ren.
Death by hypothermia or become Kylo Ren's hostage, those are her two choices. Rey screams and even manages to raise her foot enough to slam it against the console. She instantly regrets this, because the piece of shrapnel lodges itself deeper into her side. Rey cries out in both pain and sheer defeat. Tears are flowing freely down her cheeks. She's just so, so cold, and it just hurts so, so much!
"Ben…" she whispers his true name as she reaches out with that last bit of energy she has.
Rey half expects him to ignore her plea, because surely he never cared for her to begin with. She was just a tool to him—a way for him to get what he wanted. Rey swallows the bile in her throat meekly. She realizes she's still holding him at bay. Rey tries to relax in the best way an injured, dying pilot possibly can. She drops her guard for the first time since Crait. She can see him before her in such vivid detail.
"Ben please…" she can barely manage to speak at this point. "I don't want to die like this. Please help me."
Her vision becomes hazy as her entire body starts to go numb. Maybe she'll actually die before he finds her. Her eyes close and she drifts in and out of sleep. Sometimes she'll wake up and just stare at the snow covered glass. Time feels as if its slowed to a crawl. How long has it been? Minutes or hours? She doesn't even know anymore. Rey thinks that he might be amused by her suffering. Maybe he's still watching her from his side of their bond. Maybe he even finds this amusing.
Rey thinks she hears something— voices, yes, it sounds like voices! She thinks that she's probably just hallucinating, because she's been so cold for so damn long that she's out of touch with reality. Rey shuts her eyes. She's adapted to her situation enough that it isn't even that bad anymore. She'll be gone soon and this will all be over. The thought of death actually makes her smile a bit. Her eyes snap open. She hears something. It sounds like a blow torch. Her heart races, and she even allows herself to believe that Poe and Finn are waiting outside for her.
The window is pushed off to the side. Her eyes lock with Ben's dark eyes for the first time in a long time. Ben removes her helmet from her face almost as if to make sure it's actually her. He maneuvers her body enough to wrap her in a heated blanket. Rey's eyes flutter shut for a brief moment when she feels the blanket touch the skin of her cheek. Never in her life had anything felt quite so good.
It doesn't take much effort to lift her into his arms. She's so warm in his arms. Rey even relaxes enough so that her head can rest on his shoulder. She's still in pain, but at least she doesn't feel so cold. She can feel hot air hit her exposed skin when he carries her into his shuttle. He sets her down on a small cot. She expects him to say something comforting, but he turns away from her almost instantly.
"She has a dislocated shoulder and a piece of shrapnel is lodged in her side," he says to a figure dressed in white. "I imagine she has hypothermia as well."
The doctor peels her blanket away, and Rey whimpers at the sudden loss of heat. The doctor's eyes study her from behind a pair of thick glasses.
"Can you save her?" Rey thinks that she hears a hint of worry in Ben's voice.
"I can't guarantee anything, but I'll do what I can," the doctor answers.
Rey's caught in a daze. She blinks a couple of times, trying desperately to keep her eyes open. She's rationalized that if she keeps herself awake that she won't die. Her eyelids feel so heavy. She thinks it wouldn't hurt to shut her eyes for a few seconds. Rey closes her eyes. She'll count to five and she'll open them. One, two...