*warnings: cursing, mentions of sex, super angsty*

The Morning After

Chapter One

The Morning After

Part I

Sometimes the worst thing that can happen to a person isn't that they forget but that they remember. Do you ever forget something important? No, like really important? And I mean the kind of thing that helped to make you who you are? A thing so important that it can never be replaced by something else no matter where you go in life or how you change?

A blanket? A watch? A gift from someone? A memory...

It doesn't have to be physical. In fact, it's worse when it's not.

But remembering can really break you.

In some ways, having a memory feels like magic or a true curse, a cosmic joke, a sleight of hand, something gone becomes real again in a way you can never later deny. For a minute, whether you want to or not, you can forget that what you once had is gone and remember how at one time you had it perfect or horrible or simple somehow. You'll never ask for it but then it'll happen. And once you remember, forgetting can become so hard.

The morning after my mother's wedding, my head pounding from the champagne, body covered in the smell of Liam Booker, laying there feeling sore, all I could think about was Karma Ashcroft. She's all I could think but it wasn't because of what I had done.

Liam Booker had slept with me the night before. We had done bad things because we were both hurt. His taste was still on my lips. His deep masculine smell mingled with my own sweet sweat. The room smelt like sex, it did, and I felt dirty. The first thing I should have thought was, holy hell what have I done?! That's what I should have thought but that thought came later and so did the regret. My mind was playing tricks. Instead of thinking, I felt a memory.

Instead of remembering all the stupid things I had done, instead of knowing that my life had changed and it was all my fault, instead of feeling dirty or feeling the place where Liam had been, my mind flashed back to a feeling I had completely forgotten, a feeling of my life before this year, a feeling that meant Karma and nothing else.

As soon as I woke, I felt calm and thought of her. It was like no time had passed since last year when we did everything together and talked to no one else. I used to wake up with no worries and no cares. I'd know that I was going to be with Karma and she was going to be with me.

It was such a simple feeling and such a happy one. My eyes flashed open and I thought, yes, it's time to see my friend.

Then, of course, I had to remember. And my world came crashing down.

It didn't matter that Liam was gone because I had done a horrible thing. And to be met with that memory first thing upon waking?

I rolled over in bed and violently sobbed.

It occurred to me, almost instantly. that I would probably never have that feeling again, ever. I had complicated things so much. We had hurt each other, said the most nasty things. I had fallen in love with the one person I really shouldn't. And now this thing with Liam, Karma would hate me, I nailed my own coffin shut, I buried myself unintentionally, I had made it easy for her to hate me.

The days of waking up and being happy because Karma was mine and I was hers? Those days were gone, they were the past, and knowing that felt worst of all.

I rolled over and I cried. I roared like a lion whose family had been killed.

Part II

I didn't know how to tell her. I tried to compose a speech in my head but everything came up short. I had spilled my heart out last night, I had done that. God, my head hurt.

I picked up my phone, thinking maybe if I just texted her right away, got it out there, things would be okay. The little white envelope notification was glued to my opening task bar. It was Karma. Of course it was Karma.

Karma: Amy, can we talk?

I had a message from last night around 3am. At 3am I was probably deep in the throes of sloppy drunken revenge sex, feeling Liam's strong soft hands slide their way down my naked sides. God, I was such a slut!

It hadn't been horrible. But it had been all about her. It was REVENGE SEX. SEX FOR REVENGE! The hell was I thinking?! I hit my head with my fist several times before raising my phone back up and opening to send a curious text.

Amy: you awake?

Karma: Yea :*(

Oh great, she was sad.

Amy: what's wrong?

Karma: I can't stop thinking of how shitty I was to you last night…

Fuck… On top of it all, it was now that she felt regret. After I had gone all brutal and rogue and done the shittiest possible thing, on a long list of shitty possible things. NOW SHE WANTED TO FEEL BAD ABOUT THINGS!

Karma: I couldn't sleep at all last night… Where were you?

Amy: I just went home…

With Liam. Just add it, I thought. I went home and slept with Liam. I had sex with Liam. Liam and I had the sex.

Karma: ...

Amy: i have to tell you something…

Karma: Don't. Please… Meet me?

I felt the bile rise in my throat. Of course I would have to see her. Of course we were still friends and not enemies. Just because I confessed my love, that didn't mean we couldn't be friends. I was such an idiot. Such a spaz. Why had I done that thing I had done?!

Part III

I waited at the coffee shop near her house. Lauren was nice enough to drop me off. I was going to walk but once Lauren saw me her eyes went wide. She must've heard me last night with Liam or maybe seen me? There was something in her face that said, oh God, I know everything. Oh God, please look away.

My assumption was only made into fact when she kept her mouth closed on almost the entire drive.

"Meeting Karma?" That was all she had said. I nodded to concur and she avoided my eyes like they could actually just give her the plague.

Even though I had showered and thrown my hair up wet, like I rarely did, I still felt dirty when I walked in through that cafe door. I sat down without ordering a thing and I fidgeted and bit at my nails. I couldn't put it off. I couldn't stop it. Karma was coming and I was going to explode. I would tell her, she would know. I had done a very shitty thing. Very shitty.

All I could think was, WHY DID I DO THAT?!

The door swung open and I saw her and stood. It was like in the movies, where at first, when people see each other, they're so happy they have to pause. She walked to me quick and my arms naturally fell open to catch her in a glorious hug.

"I'm sorry," I said, tortured.

"You didn't do anything," she laughed. I could tell she had been crying cause her eyes had been red. She was sniffling too, like she only did after she cried for too long. She ran her hand down my ponytail and I felt that endearing tug.

I tried to let her go but she hugged me tighter and swayed with me in her arms.

"Come on," she whispered, pulling me along to the counter and ordering us drinks. We sat down at a table and I tried not to stare.

"You can hate me, it's fine." Why would I hate her? What had she done?

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"I slept with Liam. I'm an asshole. I told you I did it after you told me you loved me. There could not have been a worse time to be honest. I'm a jerk. You can hate me. I've been waiting to say that all night. Thank God!" She sighed, relaxing a bit and taking a sip of her hot chai latte.

"Karma, I don't care," I scoffed, still feeling guilty. I did care but it wasn't surprising. They had been dating. They almost had sex months ago. Why would that even be a problem? I should've known. I should've assumed. It did hurt when she said it though...

"I think I said that to hurt you," Karma said, looking dire.

"Huh?" I sipped my iced coffee through my straw. What was she on about? Said what to hurt me? "Karma, you're starting to sound like Yoda. I have no clue what the hell you're trying to say." She took my hand and held it in both of hers. Concentrating on her words instead of my own stinking betrayal was actually a bit of a challenge.

"When you told me you loved me and asked me that thing." Her eyes were so pretty. I kept telling myself to look away. "I told you I slept with him. I told you, because I knew it would hurt you."

"Ew," I said, pulling my hand away. "That's actually reeeeeeally shitty..." The ache in my stomach dulled a little bit as I shifted in my chair. She wasn't completely faultless I guess. I shrugged and waited for more comforting words like that.

"I know," she said desperately. "I panicked. You scared me."

"I scared you?" I said, surprised. How could I have scared her. I was boring and lame and predictable and always me. She was always going on about how ordinary she was but I was the ordinary one. This wasn't supposed to happen to me.

"When you told me you loved me... I dunno," she sighed at a loss and looked around as if the answer could be found with the strangers outside or with the half-and-half at the serving bar. "I guess I wasn't okay with it being true," she said honestly. "You're my only real friend," she started in.

"Karma, that's not even true," I corrected.

"It is true," she cut me off. "I love you more than anything. And since when do you know or want anything that isn't food?" She laughed a little, awkwardly. She was trying to be funny but it wasn't helping. My secret was growing inside of me like some unstoppable bacteria.

"Do you really want me to answer that?" I asked. What was her point? I was trying not to relive my confession and what happened and also trying hard not to cry. I had already told her when it had started. Why was she making me do this if she knew that it hurt?

"It's not okay, Amy," she whined. "I hurt you." She moved her chair close and took my hand from my lap, forcing me to let her hold it. Once she was close enough to look at me she even ran a hand along my cheek. She was probably trying to get me to see her but I couldn't look, not after everything. Her touch felt so good. I tried my hardest not to cry.

"Yeah well, I hurt you too," I confessed, still not looking.

"It's not the same," Karma sighed and smiled, happy tears escaping her eyes.

"I slept with Liam." I said it. If I didn't it would haunt me.

"What?" She gasped comically.

"Last night. After I said that to you." I looked at her almost angrily. "How do you know if you don't let yourself try? Remember that?" I repeated my own words, the words I had given her. They spilt out of me like lava.

"Amy…" She sat back in her chair and looked me up and down like she didn't know who she was seeing. Was the idea that unfathomable? "It was stupid and I'd take it back. But I did it and I'm a shitty fucking friend." I scooted my chair out fast and stood up to look down at her. "So it's fine. Just like Monopoly. Get out of jail free. You don't have to feel bad about not loving me anymore."

The words barely left me before my throat closed-up tightly. I walked out fast. I couldn't look at her now. I felt the tears coming two steps before I reached the door. I had forgotten I was stranded. I kept walking. I could use the walk.