Wild Bill Hickok was a stone cold killer.
James Butler Hickok, Jimmy to his friends, was the fastest draw in the west. He was known for being a bit of hothead. But only his friends knew just how loyal he was. And only Lou knew how very sweet he could be. How tenderly he could kiss in the firelight. And only Jimmy knew that he would walk away from all that was dear to him in order to protect those he cared about.
He'd sat quietly through dinner, watching the other riders, Rachel, and Teaspoon laugh and talk about their day. He hadn't added much to the conversation, and Cody accused him of daydreaming. He'd smiled at them, as if to admit the truth of Cody's words, but in reality he was soakin' it all in. He watched each of his friends, as if trying to memorize every gesture, every expression. His eyes lingered unwillingly on Lou. He was desperate to etch every bit of her essence on his heart. His best friend's girl meant more to him than she should. And by the looks she was giving him, he suspected the feelin' might be mutual.
She would say that she and Kid weren't a couple any more. She might even believe it. She just might think herself in love with him. His heart beat faster at the thought. He pictured her sweet smile that night they shared dinner and a bottle of wine. He remembered the feel of his hand on the small of her back as they danced in the road, the soft weight of her hand on his shoulder. She had been so lovely. Other women had said pretty words to him, but it was easier to believe it when Lou told him what a good man he was. She was the only woman who had seen every side of him. It was what made her special. It was also what made her dangerous.
Fools had been coming out of the woodwork lately, lookin' to challenge "Wild Bill." That name. That foolish name. It was his claim to fame, but it was also his prison. No matter where he found himself, it seemed that some fool was waiting to challenge him. And the last man to do so had nearly killed Lou. Hopkins had managed to kidnap her from right under his nose. He spent a sleepless night worrying about what might have been done to her, only to arrive and find her balanced precariously on an old log, hands bound behind her back and a noose tied 'round her slender neck.
She told him she was fine, but he could see the fear in her eyes. The panic she felt made her breathing rapid and shallow. And somehow he knew. Jimmy knew that Lou's real fear was not for her own death, but for his. She knew he would try to save her before he would ever try to save himself. And somehow he had saved her. He would relive those few seconds every time he closed his eyes. What if he had missed his target? What if the saddle horn hadn't given way with one shot? What if he had been forced to watch Lou hang? What if the life had drained from her eyes before he could save her?
After killing Hopkins, he ran straight to Lou's side. Freeing her from the ropes, he pulled her to his chest. It felt like hours that he held her tight, murmuring words of comfort. Hell, it took all he had not to pull her into his arms whenever he saw her. He fought to keep his heart out of his eyes whenever he looked at her. He knew he was failing. Buck and Ike had pressed him for details of the encounter with Hopkins. He'd not planned to say anything, but they could see the tension in his face. And then Noah had seen the rope burns on Lou's neck.
Lou tried to downplay the whole thing. Everyone accepted her recountin.' They'd expressed anger at Hopkins, fear for Lou, and gratitude for Jimmy's quick actions. Except Kid. Kid had remained silent, judging. He cornered Jimmy later in the barn.
"How could you Jimmy?" Kid nearly spat his words as he shoved Jimmy back. "You coulda got her killed!"
"I didn't do nothin'!" Jimmy shoved back. "If I hadn't gone, he'd of killed her anyway!"
"If you weren't Wild Bill, she never woulda been in danger!" With that, Kid threw the first punch.
Jimmy felt in his soul that Kid's words were true. Unfair, but true. He'd returned each punch Kid dealt, but only half-heartedly. He welcomed the pain of each blow, like penance for the darkness within him. He wanted to stand up and say that it didn't matter who came after him. He wanted to take hold of woman, love her, protect her, and start up a family. But he knew his darkness would taint his dreams, turning them from fairytale to nightmare. He would always be lookin' over his shoulder, 'cause if he didn't...
Jimmy shook his head, trying to clear his mind and focus on the story Teaspoon was telling. It occurred to him that it would be harder to leave after an average day like to today, then if he were to skip out after a special occasion. He'd have always have been able to dismiss his regrets at leavin' when everyone was feelin' extra happy, but he would always have to face the fact that what he really loved about his life was the everyday part of it. Bein' part of a team, doin' an important job, laughin' with friends, sharin' meals with family, and dreamin' dreams. How he would miss it all!
Later, after everyone had settled in for the night, Jimmy lay in his bunk. He waited until everyone else was asleep, before slipping out of the bunkhouse and out to the barn. He'd stashed his things near Sundance's stall so he could sneak away quietly. He'd be long gone before anyone else woke up. He figured they'd miss him for awhile, but life would go on. He finished saddling his palomino and turned to collect his things.
"Just where the hell do you think you're going, Jimmy Hickok?" Lou stood before him, eyes afire. "Who you runnin' away from? Me? Or yourself?"
"Lou, I -" Jimmy struggled to find the right words.
"Jimmy, please!" She stepped toward him, reaching out her small hand. "You know I ain't the type of girl who begs, but I am begging you to stay."
Jimmy's resolve began to falter as he saw the shimmer of tears in her eyes. "Lou, I can't."
"Please, Jimmy! Please stay!" She was so close now that he could easily gather her in his arms and kiss her. "Tell me what to do to change your mind."
"Then walk away." He could see that his words had confused her and caught her off guard. "Walk away from me and back to Kid. You belong with him."
"You can't just order me to love Kid!" Her stance turned from pleading to defiant in the span of a heartbeat.
"Then love somebody else! Just don't try to love me." He looked away, no longer able to look her in the eyes. "I'm no good for you. I'm no good for the life you deserve."
"Fine! I won't try to love you! Is that what you wanted to hear? Does that mean you'll drag your fool hide back to the bunkhouse and not try to skip out o' here like some kind of thief in the night?" Her words sounded of fire and fury, but had Jimmy been watching, he would have seen the sadness and resignation written on her face. Lou was no one's fool. She knew why he was leavin' and why he thought he wasn't good enough to be loved.
Lou shook her head as she followed Jimmy back to the bunkhouse. I didn't really lie to him. I won't try love him. I already do...