The young man walked, no stumbled, numbly to his car. He looked back at the campsite. To the normal camper nothing looked remiss. To John Gage however, he could see the signs of a fight and the drag marks. He shook as his mind's eye replayed the previous night's violent struggle. He needed to get away, as far away as possible, from this place.
The camp was quickly packed up and stored away in the Rover. It had taken every ounce of his strength and by the end he was not only shaking violently but sweating profusely. His ripped shirt was soaked through and clung to his battered body. He jumped into the driver's seat, wincing as his backside made contact with the seat. His breathing increased and his eyes burned as the pain reminded him of what had been done to him. He gulped and forced himself to slow down his breathing.
Shaky hands placed keys in the ignition and started the Rover. Both hands gripped the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles turned white. He steered the truck down the dirt road away from the campsite that he could no longer refer to as his peaceful escape. He knew he could never return here; he wasn't sure if he could ever return to these mountains. As he drove away he let the distance push the memories of the previous night into the deepest voids of his mind.
As the stoical figure approached the apartment, he faltered. They had gone through his wallet, taking what little cash he had and they would have seen his address. He quickly turned around looking for moving shadows. He tried his door before putting his key in the lock. He opened the door slowly, stepping back when it was fully open. The apartment was quiet. After looking both ways in the hallway he entered his apartment and quickly shut and bolted the door.
John paced up and down his living room trying to work out what to do next. What was once his sanctuary was now oppressing, being alone made him nervous to the point of panicking. He couldn't stay, they knew his address. They could come anytime and do….IT…..again. 'IT', he didn't know what else to name what happened to him. 'IT' that will forever change him. He took a deep breath and made a decision. Clothes were quickly packed. Precious items were boxed. The Rover was packed up and he drove away, constantly checking his rear vision mirror for following cars. He sighed with relief when he pulled up into a busy parking lot of a supermarket. He somehow felt safe being in a very public place. Isolation was his enemy.
Taking calming breaths, John Gage got his thoughts together as to what to do next. He needed somewhere to stay, far away from his apartment, in case they came looking for him. That's what they had told him they would do after they did…IT…to him. Thinking about…IT…made his eyes burn and his body shake. He felt like he was going to fall apart into a million pieces. A lady walking past his truck gave him an odd look. John wiped the back of his hand under his nose. There was blood mixed in with the mucus. He suddenly realised he had not cleaned up after…IT.
He started up the Rover and drove towards the nearest truck stop. He grabbed his jacket, pulled the hood over his head, and quickly walked to the rest room, bowing his head to keep prying eyes away. He was lucky, no one was in there. He looked in the mirror; not only was his nose sluggishly bleeding but his lip was swollen and split. His left eye was bruised and swollen also. He noticed the back of his hands were also bloody. He quickly washed up, wiping away all the visible remnants of the night before. He became conscious of his clothing; he was still wearing the ripped shirt. He needed not only to change but to shower desperately.
Exiting the rest room he looked down the road and saw a Motel 6. Perfect he thought, cheap and clean, and far away from his apartment. He parked around back. He felt safer knowing his car was not visible from the highway.
Johnny stood in the shower and as the hot water washed away the dry blood on his body all the emotions from the night before hit him. He found himself sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. 'Why?' kept flashing in his mind. He felt like the walls of the shower were crushing him. The water turned cold and brought him out of his stupor.
John dried his body and then began to take note of his injuries. Bruises covered his torso. Some of the bruises were handprints. Hands pushing and pinning him to the ground flashed in his mind. His ribs, although sore were not broken. His face was a mess. He noted that he needed ice for the swelling. He looked down his body to his crutch. One of his testicles was swollen. He was badly bruised on the inside of his thighs. Blood trickled down his leg. He gently pushed the towel between his backside cheeks causing his breathing to increase because of the pain. He pulled the towel away and checked it. A large patch of blood was visible. He knew then that he needed a doctor.
Swallowing, trying to keep his stomach in place, he grabbed the phone. "Can you give me the address of the nearest doctor's clinic?" Johnny waited patiently for the receptionist to reply.
He quickly wrote down the address. He placed some gauze between his cheeks and quickly dressed. Grabbing his keys and wallet he made a hasty exit. The clinic was only five minutes away. When he entered, he counted five waiting patients. The receptionist was pleasant and had John fill out some forms. He gave the motel as his address but changed it, because of his insurance, to his apartment's address. He intended to move out anyway, so they would have difficulty finding him. He was told to take a seat.
An hour later he finally saw the doctor. The doctor took in his appearance and when asked to check his backside for injuries the doctor gave a knowing look. John tried to stay calm and distant, with the doctor. He told himself that since the doctor didn't know him then he couldn't pass judgement on him. Even if he did John didn't care. He just wanted to get his injuries seen to and then he could go back to the motel and sleep.
The doctor told him there were no tears, just lacerations. He applied some ointment. The doctor looked at the young man sitting on the chair with compassion. "You need to talk to someone about what happened. Judging from your injuries it was not consensual."
John sighed; he clasped his hands to stop them from shaking. His eyes burned and his throat felt like it was closing up. He took several deep breaths to calm his shattered nerves. "I'll be ok….I…I just need some time….and sleep." John couldn't look the doctor in the eye knowing he knew…IT…had happened.
"Take this with you and read it. You need to talk to someone." The doctor handed him a pamphlet. John took it and nodded but kept his head bowed. He hoped the doctor had not seen the stray tears that escaped before he was able to wipe them away. He felt a hand on his shoulder. "You need to talk to someone," he reiterated.
John nodded and took the pamphlet and prescription for the ointment from the doctor and left the small room. His backside hurt from the examination but he knew it would ease once the ointment did its job.
John curled up in bed and allowed the mild painkillers, the doctor had also prescribed, to take him away into a hopefully dreamless sleep. He had one more day off before returning to work. Ice had reduced the swelling of his lip, eye and testicle. He had kept his dinner down which was a large container of mashed potatoe and gravy from the KFC that was located next door to the motel. Noise from the highway was a godsend; it reminded him he was alive and not totally alone.
John woke up the next morning relieved he had slept through the night without dreaming. He made some instant coffee and sat down and read through the pamphlet the doctor had given him. It was from a Crisis Centre but it was aimed at males. He knew from his paramedic training that he did need to talk to someone but every time he thought about…IT…he felt the on comings of pure panic.
John then thought about work. He could never tell them what happened, not even Roy. He felt his face flush with embarrassment. He was not the same man who had left last shift and had been changed forever. 'Maybe it's time to move on,' he thought. They will find me if I stay. John left the motel and made his way back to Carson. He found another Motel 6 about an hour from the station.
The Johnny Gage who walked into the station at 7.45am the next day looked the same, apart from the bruises, on the outside but, was a very different man on the inside. The carefree spirit had been broken beyond repair and his very essence polluted. He had made decisions that would change friendships and breakup the efficient team of station 51's A-shift.
Roy was the first to notice the bruises. "What happened to your face? I called several times yesterday but there was no answer."
Johnny put his extra shirts in his locker and sat down gently on the bench to change his shoes. "I tripped and fell when I was hiking. It's no big deal. I'm fine." Johnny spoke without emotion and without looking at Roy. For all he knew, Roy could have left the locker room and he would have been none the wiser.
Roy frowned; something was not right with his partner. He seemed detached. "Did you see a doctor?"
"Yes." Johnny closed his locker and left. Roy wasn't buying it. His partner looked like he had been in a fight.
It didn't take long for the entire crew to notice the aloofness of their youngest crew member. Johnny looked through job notices in other states. One in Colorado caught his eye. It was Chet who caught the paramedic looking through the notices.
"You're not thinking of leaving us are you Gage?" Johnny looked up, surprised he hadn't noticed Chet looking over his shoulder. Having his crew mates around him made him feel safe but up close in his personal space made him very nervous.
"I'm just seeing what's out there." Johnny ignored the lineman and kept reading but concentrating on keeping his breathing calm. Roy came in on the end of the conversation; he frowned at his partner's comment.
"What exactly are you looking for?" Roy asked his partner.
"A new job." Chet quickly answered.
Johnny scowled at Chet for answering a question directed at him. Roy was waiting for his partner to deny the lineman's statement.
"Well?" Roy looked directly at his partner and frowned at the young man's apathy. It was as if his partner didn't care he may hurt his friends for thinking of leaving. "If I'm going to need a new partner, I'd like to know Johnny. Were you going to even tell me?"
Johnny shrugged his shoulders and changed his sitting position. The hard kitchen chairs irritated his backside. He stood and cleared his throat. "I was just looking." He said meekly; the tension in the room was making him nervous. He looked at his watch and saw it was time to apply more ointment. "I'm just going to the bathroom." He made a hasty retreat giving Roy a wide birth.
Roy watched his partner leave. He nearly stopped him but changed his mind. He could see that the young man was nervous. Everything was off about his partner. Chet was shaking his head.
"You need to talk to him Roy. Something isn't right about Gage. Do you think he's in trouble? Maybe he owes someone money."
"I don't know Chet. Something is definitely not right." Roy went to the cupboard to get a cup. He pulled two down and poured his partner a cup of coffee. The klaxons sounded sending the squad out to a woman down. She had broken her ankle and hit her head.
"Do you mind if I travel in the ambulance?" Johnny asked his partner.
Roy was a little surprised but stepped out of the way allowing his partner to enter the ambulance. He banged the doors as they closed and watched the ambulance drive away. Johnny sighed with relief when he sat down in the ambulance. He didn't want to be alone. Having people around him made him feel safe.
Dixie did a double take at Johnny's appearance. "That's some shiner you've got there."
"Yeah." Johnny looked down at the floor and tried to evade further conversation. He looked around the hospital, avoiding Dixie's glare. He saw Roy walking up and hoped they could make a speedy exit.
"What happened to your partner….He's not telling me anything?" Dixie asked Roy as he approached the desk. Images of the struggle flashed in Johnny's mind and he found himself becoming panic stricken.
"I'll meet you out in the squad. Bye Dix." The quietness of the young paramedic's voice sent off alarm bells for both Roy and Dixie. Roy saw tears in his partner's eyes and it worried him.
"I don't know what's wrong with him Dix. He said he tripped but I'm not buying it." Roy rubbed his hand over his face.
"Do you think he's in some sort of trouble?" Dixie asked showing her concern for Johnny.
"Chet asked the same thing. I just don't know. He's not himself. There's something just below the surface….a sadness….I just don't know." Roy sounded defeated to Dixie.
"Don't give up on him Roy. I think he really needs a friend." Roy nodded and headed towards the squad. He found his partner standing near the entrance looking off into the distance. He couldn't be sure but he thought he saw his partner's hands shake.
"You ready to go Junior?"
Johnny looked up at his partner and was overwhelmed. The friendship behind the nickname made his heart skip a beat. He felt so unworthy of Roy's friendship; he felt a deep sadness. Everything was being taken away from him because of…IT.
Roy saw the deep sadness in his partner's eyes and wanted to reach out to him. Something was terribly wrong. Johnny nodded and walked over to the squad. When Roy sat in the driver's seat he asked, "Are you alright Johnny?"
"Yes." His partner's small voice gave away his emotional turmoil. Roy was at a loss as to how to get his partner to open up. Maybe he just needed time to work things out for himself. Johnny had a way of solving problems by running them over in his mind. Time…that's what he would give his partner and hopefully he would either solve it or come to him for advice.
Roy would come to regret that decision.
When shift ended Johnny left and made his way to a diner about two hours' drive from the station. The parking lot was busy with many people coming and going. 'My kind of place,' Johnny thought.
He purchased a paper on his way in. The young paramedic, as he entered the dimly lit restaurant, looked around the diner and checked out all of the patrons. No one resembled 'them'. The waitress noticed his hesitancy, "Are you just going to stand there blocking the doorway….or are you going to come in?"
Johnny cleared his throat and quietly answered, "Sorry…..I'll just sit here." He slid into a booth that had a good view of the door.
The waitress dropped a menu on the table and offered coffee to Johnny. He thanked her and glanced over the menu choosing toasted fruit loaf. He then opened the paper, looking up whenever anyone entered the diner, and checked interstate job vacancies. Construction work seemed to be in abundance. He thought his rescue work would be an advantage; highlighting he wasn't afraid of heights. Hopefully that would make up for his lack of experience. He ate his food, paid and tipped the waitress, and made a hasty retreat.
He found a cheap hotel near the airport. The noise from the airport and passing traffic calmed his nerves. After making several interstate phone calls he had secured a job in Denver. His next step was to resign and move out of his apartment, paying off any outstanding bills.
Johnny never gave a second thought to how this would affect his friends. IT….dominated his thoughts and how he needed to get as far away from Los Angeles….California….as fast as he could. He looked at his beloved Rover; they had seen and searched through his car while…IT…was being done to him. "Time to trade you in my old friend."
Johnny checked out a few 2nd hand car dealers and soon found a pickup truck he liked. $100 exchanged hands and Johnny was soon the proud owner of a 1969 Ford pickup. He drove to HQ and formally handed in his resignation. "Your cheque will be ready tomorrow morning at 10am Mr Gage."
"Thankyou." Johnny turned and left the building with a heavy heart. He loved his job but…IT…had made it impossible for him to continue doing it. He could only imagine the reactions of his friends, but he would never see those reactions. He was taking the cowards way out and running away from…IT. He thought of Roy and of how hurt he would be, but Johnny couldn't face him and tell him why. To have his best friend look at him through different eyes would shatter him into a million pieces all over again. It would be almost like…IT…happening again. He convinced himself that the clean break was best for everyone. The old Johnny Gage didn't exist anymore so his friends, although hurt by his actions, would get over it and go on with their lives.
"Hello." Roy answered his phone hoping it was his partner.
"Roy….I'm afraid I have some bad news." Captain Hank Stanley had been informed by HQ that his junior paramedic had resigned, effective immediately. The reason given was urgent personal matters. "What the hell is your partner thinking Roy? He's resigned."
Roy sighed into the phone. "I've tried calling….I even drove over to his apartment and let myself in….only to find that he hadn't been living there for a few days. All his clothes and personal things like photos were gone." Roy sat down feeling utterly defeated.
"There's one window of opportunity Roy. Johnny has to pick up his final cheque tomorrow at 10am. You could just happen to have HQ business at that time and hopefully run into him." Hank intended to be there also and try to talk some sense into his youngest crew member.
"I'll be there and I'll keep trying his number, although I doubt he'll answer it even if he was there. Thanks for letting me know Cap." Roy felt like someone had reached in and torn away part of his soul. Johnny was too good a friend to let walk out of his life, especially this way. The deep sadness he had seen in his partner's eyes had broken his heart; it was as if his friend had given up on life.
Roy entered HQ at 9.30am and found a very solemn Captain Hank Stanley standing waiting for him. "Cap?"
Roy had a very bad feeling; his heart skipped a few beats when his Captain shook his head. "He's gone Roy. He left a deposit slip with the pay clerk asking her to deposit it into his bank account when she did the banking today."
Roy felt like a cloak of ice had wrapped itself around him. He looked up, "Didn't he leave a forwarding address…or something?"
"He left the phone number of his Aunt and said she would take any messages for him." Roy stood with his mouth open. Disbelief left him numb; his best friend was gone. Anger took over.
"Why? Why would he leave without as much as a goodbye? I don't understand." Roy was almost shouting but Cap had been ready for this, having just gone through the same emotions himself.
"Unfortunately there is only one person who can answer that and he's gone. By the way…..your new partner…..will be Gus Branigan."
"Thanks Cap…I know Gus…Thanks." Cap shook his head as he watched a very despondent Roy DeSoto leave. He followed his senior paramedic out of the building and watched him drive away.
Roy found himself at Johnny's apartment. He opened the door with his key and was greeted with an empty apartment. On the kitchen bench he found a note addressed to him.
Roy,
I'm sorry I've taken the coward's way out. I just couldn't tell you I was leaving face to face. I had no choice about leaving. Please believe me. I'm afraid the Johnny Gage you knew is dead so I figured the clean break was best for all. Please let the guys know I'm sorry I never said goodbye but it's best they just forgot about me.
I'm sorry Roy. I love you man. You're the best friend I ever had and the closest thing to a brother I ever had, but as I said that man you called your friend no longer exists so it's best you forget about me. I'll be fine, eventually, but it's going to take some time. Maybe one day I will be able to come back and tell you what happened.
For now this is goodbye, I'll miss you. Be safe.
Johnny.
Roy looked over the letter and saw water marks that looked like tear drops on the paper. Roy looked up and blinked away his own tears. "What happened to you Johnny? What could have been so terrible that you couldn't talk to me about it and that you had to leave your life and friends behind?" Roy looked around the apartment one last time; this was his last connection to his friend. He handed the spare key to the landlord and asked if Johnny had left a forwarding address. The address was that of Johnny's Aunt. His friend had certainly made a clean break. His Aunt was elderly, senile and lived in a home. If they had his forwarding address, there is no way they would give it to him.
It was a sad day when A-shift returned for duty. The shift's spirit was missing. The grape vine spread the word and soon rumours of gambling, money troubles spread. Johnny's real friends never took notice of the rumours but they did wonder what it was that drove their friend from their lives. Roy found it hard to call Gus his partner but as days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months life went on as normal without the man they called, Johnny Gage.