The Little Salesman That Couldn't

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

RK goes from disappointed to obsessed when he decides to sell chocolate bars for the annual school fundraiser.

1. The Little Salesman That Couldn't Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 5

EPISODE 19

Airdate: February 19, 2017

"The Little Salesman That Couldn't"

Special Guest Stars: Dorien Wilson as Mr. Frax, Jeff Pescetto as Himself

#TYH519

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Mr. Frax's Classroom

Seattle, Washington

RK is asleep in class when Wade pokes him repeatedly.

WADE: RK? RK, wake up, class is almost over.

RK: It is? That's the third day in a row I've slept through this class. I'm getting better and better like it's nothing.

WADE: But I thought you liked Mr. Frax.

RK: Sometimes, charisma isn't enough.

MR. FRAX: Okay, class, that's the end for us. However, I do have a very important announcement to make.

BUSTER: You're going to cancel the big test at the end of the year?

MR. FRAX: Ha, I wish I could.

BUSTER: See, Sparky, I told you he's looking out for us.

SPARKY: Dude, he's not cancelling the test.

BUSTER: Please lie to me for once in your life.

MR. FRAX: Anyway, World's Finest Chocolate is once again partnering with all public schools in Seattle for their annual fundraiser. I encourage all of you to take part. Just tell me if you're interested, and you will be given a certain amount of chocolate bars to sell by the end of the month.

RK: Mr. Frax, are there any cool prizes for people who sell a lot of chocolate?

MR. FRAX: Well, I know there's a keychain in there for some of the winners.

RK: You're...you're kidding, right?

BUSTER: A KEYCHAIN?! SIGN ME UP!

WADE: Buster, it's just a keychain.

BUSTER: Shut up. Don't you dare keep me away from my dream.

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The boys leave the class at that point and walk towards their lockers.

BUSTER: Well, I don't know about you guys, but nothing's stopping me from snatching up that keychain.

WADE: While I'm completely apathetic towards that, I definitely want to sell a lot in this fundraiser.

SPARKY: Me too. I still regret not signing up last year.

RK: You guys make me sick. I just wanna spit all over you.

WADE: Of course, you would look down on doing something positive for the school.

RK: You're damn right I would, but at least I can smell the bullshit a mile away. This fundraiser is nothing more than a pyramid scheme. Not even Publishers Clearing House scams people like this.

SPARKY: All we're doing is going door to door selling chocolate bars. What's wrong with that?

RK: Everything. They want a kid to go out there into the streets, get doors slammed on them night and day, just so they can raise five bucks and get a stale, half-empty bag of Cracker Jack for their trouble. I'm not playing their sick little game.

BUSTER: Well, I guess it is pretty hard sometimes.

WADE: No, it's not. Just be personable and not intimidating and you'll get a whole swarm of customers. But of course, we're talking to someone who doesn't have those attributes.

RK: Are you saying that I wouldn't be able to sell chocolate bars?

WADE: I'm not saying you wouldn't be able to. I'm just flat out saying you can't. You would probably quit after the first two days.

RK: Oh, I see what this is. It's mind games. You guys are trying to burn a hole in my brain, and bring me down so you can walk away with all the dough. Well, you fake ass reverse psychologists, it's not gonna work.

SPARKY: Dude, what are you talking about?

RK: I'm talking about you guys thinking you're better salesmen than me. Well, I'm not going to fall for your little tricks. I'm going to march into Frax's class and let him know that I'm entering the contest. Then everybody in this school will know what it takes to sell candy bars.

RK shakes his head and walks into Mr. Frax's class.

WADE: Well, that worked like a charm.

BUSTER: Don't you think it's wrong to mess with RK's head like that?

SPARKY: A little bit. But all he does is complain about things without taking action. And then he assumes everything is one big evil plot.

WADE: At least here, RK can say that he tried to do it all by himself.

BUSTER: I guess, but the last thing I need is more competition. You guys are seriously trying to keep me away from my keychain.

SPARKY: Buster, nobody cares about the keychain.

BUSTER: You can lie with your lips all you want, Sparky, but you can't lie with your heart!

SCENE 3

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That afternoon, KG is on the phone.

KG: I'm just saying, Rodney, why would someone name their kid Skeeter? Like, that's so f***ed up. Do they not realize what that means? That would be like me calling my kid Dookie or Booger. See, now you get my point.

RK walks in with boxes of chocolate at that point.

KG: Wait, hang on, I gotta greet my little bro. Hey, man, what you got there?

RK: Oh, just some boxes of candy bars. I have to sell 'em for a school fundraiser. If I don't succeed, I won't pass the fourth grade!

KG: What? That's ridiculous!

RK: I know, that's why I just wanted to see your reaction. You want to start me off by buying some? I'll throw in a family discount.

KG: Eh, I don't think so.

RK: It's not like everybody's gonna know about it. Come on, man, help a brother out. *chuckles* Help a brother out. Get it? I'm using slang combined with my relationship to you as a family member to make...

KG: Yeah, I get it. Look, I don't have millions of dollars to throw around. Some kids in my school are selling bars too and I already promised them I would help them out.

RK: Oh, so you can't even support your own brother?

KG: I can offer moral support. Just not financial support.

RK: Lousy ingrate. Hey, who's on the phone with you?

KG: Rodney, why?

RK: Can he hear any of this?

KG: No, I put him on hold.

RK: Oh, thank God. I almost lost my shit for a moment.

KG: Why?

RK: Because, man, every single public school in the city is selling chocolate. I can't let the competition know I was pushing cheap supply on family. For all I know, they're informants that will get me disqualified.

KG: You know, RK, not everybody in the world is an agent or a spy or doing some undercover shit to trip you up.

RK: The sooner you stop being naive, the sooner you start seeing the true meaning of life. I'm gonna go upstairs and strategize.

KG: You know what? You do that. I'm going to continue giving moral support from afar.

RK: Uh huh, just let me know when dinner's ready.

RK is out of view when KG goes back to his phone call.

KG: Alright, I'm back. Now what's the best name to give to a kid who's biracial?

SCENE 4

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

The next day, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are eating together. RK is drawing up plans for his chocolate bar selling.

JAYLYNN: It's just been another crappy day, you know? I mean, my alarm never went off, I had to fill up my car with gas, my combination lock froze up on me, and I didn't even bother to study for my science test. I would be surprised if I failed it.

WADE: Wait, if you didn't study, why would you be surprised if you failed it?

JAYLYNN: Because failing doesn't even begin to describe how many balls I dropped on that test. Ugh, I need a vacation. What are you guys up to this week?

WADE: We're all selling chocolate bars for the school fundraiser. Buster's really excited about it, but he only cares about the stupid keychain.

JAYLYNN: You guys are really doing that wack shit? I don't know, I can't handle that much rejection.

RK: See, Jaylynn, that's the difference between me and you. You're afraid to fail. I'm not.

JAYLYNN: And what's all this? You're trying to knock on 50,000 doors just to give all that money back? I guess you're more of a sucker than I thought.

RK: Oh, I'm a sucker alright. I'm a sucker for success. My block is chock full of houses. The key is to hit every single one twice by the end of the week.

WADE: You can't go to the same house twice. It's against the rules.

RK: Rules are made to be broken. Besides, I'm one of the most beloved people in my neighborhood. They'll love throwing money at me.

JAYLYNN: Name five people on your block.

RK: Um, I don't know, uh...Lauren, Camila, Normani...Dinah Rae...and whoever the hell the last one is?

JAYLYNN: Sad. Just sad. And her name is Dinah Jane.

RK: You could at least tell me the last person too.

Sparky and Buster walk towards the table.

SPARKY: Hey guys. Buster's already on the board. He sold ten bars this morning.

BUSTER: It was nothing. I just went to the corner store and there were all these weed guys outside who were getting sick of Girl Scout cookies. That keychain is as good as mine.

RK: Great. I'm already behind. You know what I need? An angle. Some kind of gimmick to get people interested.

WADE: Please don't tell people you're doing it to keep gangs off the street.

RK: That's such an old trick. I have something better planned. Hey Jaylynn, maybe you could get the boys interested. You know, shake your moneymaker.

JAYLYNN: I'm not going to be some kind of puppet for your little candy game.

RK: Hey, sex sells. I need a hot girl to move those extra boxes.

JAYLYNN: Wait, you think I'm hot?

RK: Relatively. Now it's time for me to hit those streets.

SCENE 5

The Halberstadt Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK whistles "The Candy Man" by Sammy Davis, Jr. as he walks up to his first house and rings the doorbell. Mrs. Halberstadt walks out.

MRS. HALBERSTADT: Look, if you're here to tell me about being a Jehovah's Witness, you can go right now.

RK: What? No, Mrs. Halberstadt, it's me. Little RK from across the street? I watered your plants last summer when you went to rehab.

MRS. HALBERSTADT: Oh, yes, I do remember that. So what are you trying to hustle out of me?

RK: I'm selling these candy bars for school. So how many you want?

MRS. HALBERSTADT: What's in it for me?

RK: A nice, tasty snack that's been tested for diabetics?

MRS. HALBERSTADT: Okay then, why not? I'll take one.

RK: One? Mrs. Halberstadt, you can't put a price on helping out your community, and the sweet, innocent children that live in it.

MRS. HALBERSTADT: I'm either buying one or none.

RK: One's good enough.

SCENE 6

The Velasquez Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK walks away from the house waving to Mr. Velasquez.

RK: Thanks for the assist, Mr. Velasquez. I hope your dog makes it out okay! Alright, nine boxes sold. I'm on a roll.

RK stops when he notices a box of Girl Scout cookies on the sidewalk.

RK: Hello, what's this?

GIRL SCOUT: I believe that's mine.

RK is now face to face with a member of the Girl Scouts.

RK: Oh, sorry, kid.

GIRL SCOUT: Look, I don't want your filthy little chocolate bar hands on my stuff, okay?

RK: Hey, I don't want any trouble. I just thought that...

GIRL SCOUT: You just thought that, what? You just-j-j-j-just thought that, oh, shut the hell up.

RK: Listen, you psycho, I don't know how they do things where you fundraise, but I was simply...

At that point, the Girl Scout pulls out a knife.

GIRL SCOUT: Look, you son of a bitch, I don't have a lot of these to go around and I wants me a new bike. So you better step away from my merchandise or the next time there's a problem, I'll slice your freaking head off! You got me?

RK: Okay, I got you, Jesus Christ. Just put the knife away, it's not that serious!

GIRL SCOUT: Thank you. Have a wonderful day!

The Girl Scout puts away her knife and skips off with joy. RK is dumbfounded.

RK: The f*** just happened?!

SCENE 7

The Hernandez Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK walks up to Jaylynn's doorbell and rings it. The camera stays on him as the door opens.

RK: Good afternoon, ma'am. I'm a student at iCarly Elementary School and I'm taking part in the World's Finest Chocolate fundraiser. I'm trying to be a role model for my community. Would you like to support our children and purchase some of this wonderful merchandise?

The camera cuts to a disinterested Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: RK, why are you selling chocolates to me?

RK: I have to have some familiar customers. Otherwise, I won't have any new houses to hit.

JAYLYNN: But I thought it was against the rules to sell to family and friends.

RK: Oh, they just tell kids that to make it fair because we're all special little snowflakes. Now are you gonna help me or not?

JAYLYNN: I don't know. I can't remember anything you've ever done for me.

RK: That's a load of crap and you know it. What about the time I drove you to Las Vegas for a thousand dollars so you could reconnect with your wife?

JAYLYNN: Dude, that was an episode of Everybody Hates Chris. We just watched that shit two days ago!

RK: Okay, you might be telling the truth there. Ooh, I paid for your ice cream the other day. That's a thing.

JAYLYNN: Damn, you're right. Okay, I'll bite. You have any of those crispy rice ones? I love those.

RK: Sure do.

JAYLYNN: Alright, I'll take four of those. Let me just pull out my wallet.

RK: She's pulling out the wallet.

Jaylynn takes out the money from the wallet.

RK: She's taking out the money.

Jaylynn extends her hand full of cash to RK.

RK: She's reached out to me with the money which means I'm gonna have to go inside the box and get the chocolate, which I will give to her before I take her money and complete the transaction, which will then put...

JAYLYNN: WILL YOU JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN CHOCOLATE?!

RK scoffs, then takes out the chocolate bars to give to Jaylynn. He then takes her money.

JAYLYNN: Thank you.

RK: You're welcome. By the way, this is a small thing, but just as a favor, could you start screaming about chocolate over and over like that SpongeBob guy?

JAYLYNN: No.

RK: I didn't think so.

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, RK has his feet in a bucket of water while watching TV.

VOICEOVER: And now, time for another episode of Ghetto DuckTales, only on Disney XD.

RK: Wait, what?

The beat to the original DuckTales theme song starts up.

JEFF PESCETTO: Life is like a shitstorm/When you tell lies/You're ego tripping, souped up/Can't believe my eyes/It's all a mystery, revising history/Duck tales, woohoo!/Every day, you're out here spitting duck tales, woohoo!/Tales to make yourself look cool, just duck tales, woohoo!/You've got money now (you're just lying)/You killed your enemy (why are you trying?)/We're sick and tired of your duck tales, woohoo!/Every day, you're out here spitting duck tales, woohoo!/Tales to make yourself look cool, just duck tales, woohoo!/Don't be a broke-ass loser with those.../Duck tales, woohoo!

RK: Somewhere, Alan Young is spitting in his grave.

KG walks downstairs at this point.

KG: Wait, is that hot water I sense?

RK: That would be correct.

KG: Why are you soaking your feet in hot water like some old lady who likes to curse people?

RK: I had a long day. Do you know how many candy bars I had to unload today?

KG: I don't know, how many?

RK: A whole box. And I still have a lot more to go. Oh man, I think I'm coming down with athlete's foot.

KG: But you don't even play any sports!

RK: Wait, sorry, salesman's foot. You're not in the game, you wouldn't understand.

KG: Oh, I wouldn't understand? You think in my fourteen years of living on this planet, I wouldn't understand anything about the candy game? Is that really what you think?!

Beat.

KG: Yeah, you're right, I don't know shit about selling chocolate. But I'm proud of you, man. Going out there, hitting the town, making money. I mean, if you weren't selling, you would be doing a whole lot of eating, wouldn't you?

RK: Hell yeah, I would.

RK and KG start cackling for a bit.

RK: Shut up.

SCENE 9

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Buster is in his locker the next morning when RK walks up.

RK: What's up, Buster?

BUSTER: I can't find the Ding Dong I brought to school today.

RK: Buster, who taught you that kind of behavior?

BUSTER: What? I'm talking about the Ding Dong I brought for lunch.

RK: Oh. That's what you meant.

BUSTER: What did you think I was talking about?

RK: It's not important. But you know, if you don't have a Ding Dong, that means you don't have any dessert to go with your lunch.

BUSTER: It's true. All these years I spent perfecting my menu for the perfect lunch have been wasted.

RK: You know what you need? Chocolate. And not just any old chocolate. I'm talking the finest chocolate in the world today. I'm talking World's Finest Chocolate.

BUSTER: Yeah, I guess I could. Wait a minute. This is a setup. You're using my pain to sell more candy. Well, mister, I'm not taking the bait.

RK: Okay, fine. Forget that we're both selling chocolate bars. Forget that Mrs. Tuxedo Pants could die any day now. Forget all of it, every living, breathing piece of it.

BUSTER: Hold the phone. Mrs. Tuxedo Pants is dying?

RK: Look, I already said too much, I shouldn't have mentioned it.

BUSTER: No, it's okay, man. I wanna know. What's going on with Mrs. Tuxedo Pants?

RK: Well, the doctors want us to keep hope alive, but, the fact of the matter is...Mrs. Tuxedo Pants has cancer.

BUSTER: Oh no. Cancer?

RK: Yeah. In her mouth. It's incurable. Every day, we keep thinking things are going to get better, but she just can't go on. Pretty soon, we're gonna have to put her on life support and feed her catnip through a thin plastic straw and special tubing.

BUSTER: I can't believe this. Mrs. Tuxedo Pants gave birth to my cat. My own cat mother's on her last legs!

RK: But don't worry, Buster, there's one thing you can do for me. For Mrs. Tuxedo Pants. For America.

BUSTER: What? I wanna be an American hero!

RK: You could buy chocolate from me. Now I wouldn't bring it up in any other case, but I told Mrs. Tuxedo Pants I would move that chocolatey goodness in her honor. And I'm not letting her down, dammit!

BUSTER: You know what? I can't let you disappoint your cat. I'll buy a box from you, as a friend.

RK: Thank you Buster. You're such a warm, caring person. So milk, dark, caramel, or crispy rice?

BUSTER: Caramel, please.

Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn walk up to Buster and RK.

SPARKY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what in the world is going on here?

RK: Um, I'm selling my chocolate. Like, duh.

SPARKY: Yeah, to your friend. You know we're not supposed to do that.

BUSTER: Don't worry, Sparky, I did this in the name of saving a life. Mrs. Tuxedo Pants has cancer. In her mouth. I just wanted RK to make her proud before she goes.

JAYLYNN: She has cancer in her mouth?

BUSTER: I know, it sounds weird, but we should really be there for RK in his time of need.

WADE: RK never told me Mrs. Tuxedo Pants has oral cancer.

BUSTER: Well, you know how he is sometimes. He just can't express his feelings.

SPARKY: He also can't be trusted when he's being a freaking grifter!

BUSTER: What?

WADE: Buster, RK must have sold you a sob story just so you could buy some chocolate to go with it.

BUSTER: Of course. That spiky haired yahoo conned me. Oh, when I get my hands on him, I'll give him what for!

JAYLYNN: Wait, where did RK even go?

The guys look around for RK.

SPARKY: How the hell did he do that?

The camera cuts to RK talking to Gilcania near the girls' bathroom.

RK: Now, see, the difference between me and other people selling candy is that I'm the one selling it. So how many do you want?

GILCANIA: I never said I would buy anything, boo boo.

RK: I'm putting you down for five bars. If you're this indecisive, I'll move you up to ten.

SCENE 10

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

That same day, RK is talking on the phone.

RK: I'm just saying, those things were fake to me, that's all.

WADE: What things were fake? What are you even talking about?

RK: Hey, you're the one who wanted to talk. I'm just trying to get the ball rolling here.

WADE: Uh huh. Listen, are you going to give Buster back the money he paid for the chocolate?

RK: I was thinking about it, but he already started eating some. Plus, I honestly believe he forgot who he bought them from and the reason why. When I mentioned it, he looked at me like I was on crack.

WADE: Did you have to lie to him just to sell that box?

RK: Of course, Wade. A good salesman has to be a little devious sometimes. Besides, it's buyer beware. I always tell people to make sure they know what they're getting themselves into.

WADE: You never tell people that!

RK: Well, I'm gonna start. That way, shit like this doesn't happen again.

WADE: Look, you know how to move products. You don't have to lie to people just to get them to buy stuff.

RK: Yeah, you're right. But if I have the opportunity to lie, I'll take it.

SCENE 11

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Mr. Frax's Classroom

Seattle, Washington

The boys are all in class together a few days later.

MR. FRAX: I would just like to thank everyone here for their work in the World's Finest Chocolate fundraiser. I especially would like to give it up to RK for being the first one in the class to sell all of his packages.

RK: Wait, me? I did something better than everyone else in the class?!

MR. FRAX: I'm surprised, too, RK, but you worked really hard to unload those boxes over the last two weeks.

RK: Wade, did I make you proud?

WADE: You know what? You really did.

RK: Well, Sparky, I guess the system really couldn't help you beat me. I guess we all know who the real chocolate king is.

SPARKY: Just wait until next year's fundraiser. I'll take you out then.

MR. FRAX: Okay, class, that's it for today. Remember, your history reports are due next week.

The class starts leaving when RK takes his backpack and heads towards Mr. Frax's desk.

RK: Alright, Mr. Frax, even though I finished early, there's no reason why I should rest on my accomplishments for the next two weeks. So bring on the next shipment. I think I'll sell 100 by the time I'm done.

MR. FRAX: Oh, I'm sorry, RK, but there's no more chocolate.

RK: There's no more...*chuckles* Come on, man, you don't have to save the boxes for the others. Let the chocolate king feed his people some more.

MR. FRAX: RK, I'm serious, there is no more chocolate. All the boxes are being sold right now.

RK: You ran out of chocolate?! How did this happen?!

MR. FRAX: Well, every year, World's Finest Chocolate gives the school a certain amount of boxes for each grade and there was a record turnout. Plus, lots of other kids sold more boxes than you in other grades.

RK: So I'm not really the chocolate king?!

MR. FRAX: You're still one of the top sellers in the grade. You should be proud of that.

RK: I could be if I had more boxes. But now, the competition's on my tail. I have to widen the gap some more. Frax, you want some Snickers at a discount?

MR. FRAX: RK, I can't take outside candy like this or make deals with students. They already cut all of our salaries after the gym teacher broke his restraining order against the basketball team.

RK: Look, I can get you the best Snickers around. The nuts taste like they were just put in the bar. You can't get them anywhere else but once I call up my man Lucky, you're set.

MR. FRAX: RK!

RK: I have to keep my business alive or it'll die!

SCENE 12

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

That same day, the guys are eating together. RK looks out of sorts.

RK: I'm ruined. How am I gonna make up for the rest of the month with no new orders?

SPARKY: You could just forget about the whole thing and be glad you sold all that chocolate in two weeks.

RK: Nope, not doing it. Thought about it, gave me a rash. Besides, I can't even enjoy the money because of that consignment crap. I have to keep on selling until the month is over. I just need a new tactic.

BUSTER: What if you bought yourself a bunch of chocolate and then sold it to yourself? Not only would you be selling chocolate, you would be making your own money along the way.

RK: What? I-I don't...I don't see how that would even, because I lose mo...you know what, forget it. I think I have another idea. What if I took care of you guys' remaining chocolate and sell it in your names? You take the credit and the money, but I get to stay the Chocolate King in secret.

SPARKY: Forget it. If I'm selling this chocolate, then it's staying my responsibility.

WADE: Word.

Sparky and Wade high five each other without looking at each other.

RK: You know, real friends would let their friends live vicariously through them.

JAYLYNN: I'm not endorsing anything you're doing, but I think I might know a way you can sell more chocolate.

RK: Really, how?

JAYLYNN: Well, I read this article in the paper about a high school kid who lied to a bunch of people and said that he was selling candy bars for a fundraiser. But what he did was buy them from the corner store, raise the prices, and keep all the money for himself.

RK: Did he get in trouble?

JAYLYNN: Of course he did. That's why if you're gonna do it, don't get caught.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, please don't give this boy any ideas.

JAYLYNN: I like to help sometimes. I like to solve problems. I can't always be a dick.

RK: You know, Jaylynn, that's actually a genius idea. So genius, it's stupid. And so genius and stupid, it's ingenious! I'm back in business!

WADE: RK, you do realize if you get caught, you might end up going to jail, right?

RK: I'm willing to take that risk.

SCENE 13

Lucky Star Deli and Grocery

Interior Counter

Seattle, Washington

RK and Buster are at the candy counter that day.

RK: To pull off a candy hustle like this takes effort and smarts, Buster. All I need to do is get the really good chocolate, pretend they're from the school, and sell them for myself. And I even get to keep all them greenbacks.

BUSTER: Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, why not just start a crappy lemonade stand for 25 cents or something?

RK: Please, it's not even the summer. And I told myself I was gonna sell non-stop until the month is over. Listen, Buster, all great human beings have to push themselves. Prince wanted to write more songs than everyone else, Joey Chestnut wanted to crap out more hot dogs than everyone else, and I want to sell more chocolates than everyone else. Is that so wrong?

BUSTER: I guess not when you put it that way.

RK: See, now you're looking at things my way.

CASHIER: Hey, kid, are you going to buy something or just keep talking about nothing?

RK: Sure am, good sir. Start me off with some cookies and cream Hershey's, and throw in some Kit Kat bars along with some Snickers.

BUSTER: I really, really hope this ends well.

SCENE 14

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK stands outside the store with his bag full of chocolates.

RK: Here ye, here ye, the Chocolate King has a decree for flavor. School fundraiser going on right here!

A man walks up to RK.

MAN: Oh, you're selling chocolate here? What's the fundraiser about?

RK: What's it about? It's for the school, man.

MAN: Yeah, but what's the cause?

RK: Oh, um, we're partnering with UNICEF. They're doing this thing called USA Kids for Africa Kids. See, they're making sure that starving African children, uh...get their championship T-shirts on time.

Beat.

MAN: That sounds like a promising idea. I'll take some Twix if you have them.

RK: Sure do. Thank you for looking out for the youth.

MAN: Hey, the children are our future.

RK: Teach 'em well. Teach 'em well. No more old, worn out bills, okay? Thank you.

RK shakes his head and puts up a sign near his bag that says "I Do Not Accept Old, Worn Out, Crusty-Ass Bills."

SCENE 15

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK is trying to get a young woman to buy his chocolate.

RK: So you see, ma'am, many kids in my school are still affected by the heroin outbreak of 2015. See, these big bad meanies came to our community and injected so many people with saliva-ridden needles. Now we can't even afford decent food.

WOMAN: Oh, that's just awful.

RK: Yeah, but it actually gets worse. The signature meal at our school is a sandwich made with white bread and Kool-Aid mix that they add water to and then pour onto the untoasted bread. I like the orange kind myself. But yesterday, I almost got stabbed for mine. I don't even feel safe in my own school anymore.

RK starts crying, pauses to look up at the woman, then continues crying.

WOMAN: Don't cry, little guy. I have some money to burn from a recent bonus. Why don't I just take the rest of these off your hands?

RK: You would do that? Because I'm definitely not insisting you do.

WOMAN: Oh, I'm insisting I help you out. Here you go.

The woman gives RK the money and takes the bag.

RK: Thank you for the help. Bless your soul.

RK wipes away his tears and starts laughing.

RK: Damn, she gave me more money than I needed. There's only one thing to do with all this extra cash.

A thought bubble appears above RK's head of him giving the money back.

RK: I just conned you out of your money.

The woman proceeds to hit RK in the head with her purse and beats him down. The thought bubble disappears.

RK: Okay, that's out of the question. Time for Plan B: A food shopping spree!

SCENE 16

("You Wouldn't Understand" by Nas featuring Victoria Monet plays in the background)

RK skips around in slow-motion with a big smile on his face as he heads towards McDonald's. He orders three bags worth of food and starts laughing to himself while eating his food. RK then goes to Burger King and makes conversation with the bored cashier, while other customers behind him are angry and confused. He also uses the drink dispenser and puts his mouth under every drink. He then laughs to himself while carrying some bags to his car. RK drives to Wendy's, parks in two spaces at once, and laughs as he sees a dancing scarecrow clown on the TV screen as he waits to order. He is then shown in the bathroom, slumped over on the toilet, presumably throwing up from all the food he's eaten. RK then skips to his car with stuff from Wendy's, and rubs his face in a burger while burping.

SCENE 17

The Jennings Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK whistles "Mr. Telephone Man" by New Edition as he locks his car door and heads towards the house. He then opens the door, closes it, and stops whistling when he sees two cops and KG on the couch.

RK: What's going on here?

KG: Deny everything. Just deny it.

RK: Wait a minute. This is just like that movie I saw once. This is a sting operation!

COP #1: If this was a sting, we would be undercover.

RK: That's what they want you to think. Now what's going on here?

COP #2: Mr. Jennings, we have reason to believe you were responsible for the burglary of a truck containing several chocolate-based products here in town late last night.

RK: What? That's ridiculous. I never stole anything. And you can't just accuse me of something I didn't do.

COP #1: There was a tip going around about a Caucasian guy who was selling stolen chocolate bars this morning. We were unable to catch him, but you're somebody who fits the description.

RK: So somebody just sees a white kid selling chocolate and assumes they're a criminal? Ugh, this racial profiling makes me sick.

COP #2: Shut up! We found one of these business cards on the ground and traced everything back to this address. You're in a lot of trouble, Mr. Chocolate King.

KG: It's actually The Chocolate King, just saying.

The cops angrily stare at KG.

KG: I've never even had so much as a parking ticket, so don't put me in foster care!

Cop #1 gets a phone call at that point.

COP #1: Yes, hello? Mm-hmmm. Oh, really? That's something, that's really something. Oh, and save me a cruller. I don't give a shit if they're Perelli's favorite, he stole it from me last time! Okay, thanks again.

Cop #1 hangs up.

COP #2: What was that about?

COP #1: Apparently, some other members of the force found the perpetrator. He held a Mister Softee truck at gunpoint and was shot in the leg when he resisted arrest.

COP #2: Oh. So coming here was a waste of time then?

COP #1: Exactly. And get this. His name was the Chocolate Kang.

COP #2: Kang?

COP #1: Yeah, it's like, some urban shit, I don't know.

COP #2: Oh. Well, guys, we're sorry for the inconvenience.

RK: Sorry for the inconvenience? That's all you have to say after harassing my brother and accusing me of a crime?!

COP #1: Hey, son, we're cops. Our job isn't to look at the facts. Our job is to act with our emotions, then look at the facts.

The cops shrug and then leave the house.

KG: You know what the really stupid thing is? The guy who robbed the truck had a beard.

SCENE 18

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The kids are all near their lockers the next morning.

RK: And then those pigs tried to accuse me of robbing a chocolate truck.

JAYLYNN: What kind of weirdo robs a truck with candy bars?

RK: A sorry punk who tried to get me locked up. Man, I never realized the candy game was so dangerous.

SPARKY: Now you see what we tried to tell you? You're in way too deep and one of these days, you're gonna get yourself in some serious trouble.

RK: Oh, you're just telling duck tales.

SPARKY: What?

RK: I've been obsessed with Disney XD lately. What I need is a new strategy and a new location. New location, new customers, new money.

WADE: What you need is a new therapist. RK, it's okay to admit you have a problem.

RK: I don't have a problem. I don't have any problem. It's you guys with the problems. All I need to do is keep selling and selling and selling. The month's almost over anyway.

SPARKY: RK, listen to me. We're only doing this because we love you, and we don't want to see you end up on the next edition of the nightly news.

Sparky proceeds to slap RK in the face three times.

SPARKY: SNAP OUT OF IT!

RK: I'm sorry, guys. It just won't work. I'm doing it so hopefully, you won't have to go through it.

RK walks away from the guys.

JAYLYNN: That's it. We've lost him.

BUSTER: Am I the only one who thinks we're taking this a little bit too seriously?

WADE: It's an RK thing, we have to take it seriously.

SCENE 19

Space Needle Diner

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK stands outside that afternoon wearing a hat and sunglasses, watching people pass him by.

RK: Chocolate, man? Hey, the Chocolate King's back in effect. Had a little setback yesterday, but I'm here again with the good news. Step right up, best chocolate in the city. Support our schools!

Two older men watch RK from across the street.

OLDER MAN: What the hell is that dude flapping his gums about?

OLDER MAN #2: Who knows? Maybe he's touched or something.

OLDER MAN: Well, whatever it is, he's a freak. Let's go inside and drink until you have to drag me out again.

The two men walk into the bar behind them. At that point, a man walks up to RK.

MAN: Hey, you're selling the good stuff?

RK: I sell it, you buy it. I'm working on a slogan.

MAN: Well, I don't have that much time, but I think I could pay for it.

RK: Oh yeah, sure. What kind you like?

MAN: You know what? We probably shouldn't do this out here. We should head to the alley back there.

RK: The back alley? For...oh, I got ya. Can't let anybody see the transaction. You want the best stuff for yourself.

MAN: Indeed.

RK: Smart customer. Well, sir, let's do this thing.

RK and the man walk towards the alley and RK sets down his bag. His back is turned to the man who begins to drop his pants.

RK: You know, you're my first customer of the day. Thank God.

MAN: Well, hey, at least I get your best.

RK: Sure thing. So you like yours with or without nuts?

MAN: I could ask you the same thing.

RK: Yeah, but, see, you're the customer, and I...

RK turns around to see the man with his pants and underwear dropped.

RK: GAH! WHAT THE F*** IS THIS?!

MAN: I thought you were selling the good stuff.

RK: I'M SELLING CHOCOLATE BARS, YOU SICK BASTARD! WHAT KIND OF FREAK WANTS A KID TO DO THAT TO THEM?!

MAN: People who could use a quickie before a meeting?

Beat.

RK: GET OUT OF HERE. GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE, YOU PERVERT!

The man pulls his pants up and runs out of the alley.

SCENE 20

Space Needle Diner

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK stands alone waiting for more customers. An older kid walks up to him.

FREDDIE: You're not getting any customers, man.

RK: How do you know?

FREDDIE: Dude, after that crap with the Chocolate Kang, nobody's gonna take the risk. They don't want the police to find their fingerprints on stolen goods.

RK: It's just like criminals to ruin everybody's good time. I'm RK.

FREDDIE: I'm Freddie. Me and my boys sell chocolates around these parts too. What school do you go to?

RK: iCarly Elementary.

FREDDIE: Oh, so you're a little man. I go to Huey P. Newton.

RK: Huey? Wait, that's a junior high school.

FREDDIE: Yup. Seventh grade in the house. Look, we heard about the Chocolate King, and since you're on a cold streak, we figure we could help you out.

RK: Oh, you're barking up the wrong tree, man. I don't do cliques, consignment, none of that.

FREDDIE: Trust me, the Killer Bees aren't like other candy sellers, man. We look out for each other no matter what. We stand side by side and make sure everyone around us is straight. And we can help you get back on your feet.

RK: You know what? One delivery and that's it. I'm not a big fan of the clientele thing.

FREDDIE: Sure thing. Here's a box of Butterfingers and the address. You go there at 6:45 tonight. And you know what? As a favor to you, you get to keep all the money.

RK: Cool. Thanks, man.

FREDDIE: No problem.

Freddie stares at RK for a couple seconds. Beat.

RK: This isn't gonna end the way I think it is, right?

SCENE 21

6:45 PM PST

RK takes his car to the address Freddie gave him. RK gets out of the car and takes out the box of Butterfingers.

RK: Alright, an apartment building. Wait a minute. If this is an apartment building, how come all I have is the address to it? I need the room and everything.

RK notices the area is rundown and hears gunfire.

RK: Okay, I'm scared, I need to make this quick. Um...um...ooh, I'll just leave it here. There we go. Forget the money.

RK walks down the steps and pauses.

RK: Wait a minute. Nobody would ever eat Butterfingers like that. They haven't been cool since Bart Simpson. Something's going on here.

At that point, a rock is thrown at RK's head. Two kids in black and yellow jackets pick him up and toss him into a dark alley full of cheering Killer Bee members.

RK: Oh no, it's the dream again! Except this time, I have pants on!

RK looks up and sees Freddie.

RK: Freddie?! Of course, I should have known! Who the hell delivers something without an address? It's in the Ten Candy Commandments!

FREDDIE: Shut up! This is what we do to assholes like you who try to step on our turf. Sell where we sell, take away our customers.

KILLER BEES: Yeah!

FREDDIE: This is a big man's game, and you're in a small man's world.

RK: What is kicking my ass going to do? Couldn't you just slap me on the wrist and tell me to never do it again?

FREDDIE: You know what, I actually think that makes a lot of sense. But I don't want to make sense!

Freddie hits RK in the head with a stick and the rest of the Killer Bees proceed to join in on the beating.

FREDDIE: AIN'T NO CHOCOLATE KING AROUND HERE, BITCH!

SCENE 22

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, the kids are watching TV when RK shows up, brutally beaten.

WADE: Um, do you want us to take you to the hospital?

RK: No, Wade, believe it or not, I actually don't feel any pain right now.

SPARKY: Please explain what happened.

JAYLYNN: I think I know what happened. You see, RK was busy selling chocolate in the area of another group. The group leader arranged for RK to get his ass kicked for trespassing by being nice to him and giving him a phony delivery right near their hangout spot. Then once RK showed up, the group beat the hell out of him until he escaped and most likely took out some of the members along the way.

Beat.

JAYLYNN: Hey, I've seen movies.

RK: You know, guys, on my way back home, after slipping in and out of consciousness for fifteen minutes before fighting back, I realized something. The candy game is no joke. Those guys have been getting customers for years while I'm just a rookie. They've been selling corner store chocolate for who knows how long? I came into the game thinking I would dominate, but it turns out I still have a lot to learn. So for now, I've decided to retire from it all.

SPARKY: So the Chocolate King is no more?

RK: It's in the books, Sparko. My fundraising days are over.

BUSTER: Well, it's good to have you back, RK.

RK: And it's good to be back. Give me a seat.

RK sits on the couch with the rest of the kids.

WADE: So RK, you learned anything else from this experience?

RK: Yup. Lying is only good 63% of the time.

Beat.

WADE: You know what? Good night, everybody.

Cut to black.

("I Can't Help It" by Michael Jackson plays in the end credits)

©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS