"Pain is never permanent" - Saint Teresa of Avila
'Caius raised his hand as she spoke, and in it was a strange metal object, carved and ornate'
The growl I had been holding onto during my recount of that day slipped out. I knew what was coming, for I had replayed this scene over a thousand times in my head.
'Three of the Volturi soldiers leaped forward, and Irina was completely obscured by their gray cloaks. In the same instant, a horrible metallic screeching ripped through the clearing'
Balled up in my corner, I whimpered. It never got easier to look back on that day.
'Caius slithered into the centre of the gray melee, and the shocking squealing sound exploded into a startling upward shower of sparks and tongues of flame'
My breathing became heavy, my body shaking with rage and grief.
Caius stood alone beside the blazing remains of Irina, the metal object in his hand still throwing a thick jet of flame into the pyre'
I cried out, sobbing and gasping for air, even though I did not need it. It was over, she was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. The fact that my unbeating heart was burning with sorrow and that my eyes were full of non-existent tears made it easier to believe. I closed my eyes and imagined she was with me. Her silvery blond hair swishing around her chin as she laughed at Kate's playful behaviour, the look in her eyes as she would listen to Eleazar's stories of the Volturi and her kind smile. When my sister smiled I always imagined the world would stop to look at her, she really was that beautiful.
A noise from below forced my eyes to snap open. Kate and Garrett had opened the front door and walked into the kitchen. I heard her giggle and the crashing of their marble-like skin. I quickly focused on something else. I stared around my room, taking in every detail. The dusky pink wallpaper was curling in the corners, in desperate need of replacement. Every surface was dusty and cobwebs adorned the chandelier. The mirror on the wall was hanging at the wrong angle and the chest of drawers below had clothes spilling out onto the floor. The king sized bed in the middle of the room was unmade, the sheets creased and stained with mud. The curtains had been torn from the rails and the window was open, allowing the autumn breeze to drift into the room. It was quiet and dark outside. The inky blue sky was clear and the stars were burning brightly, with the moon to help light up the night.
I grew bored of my observations and let myself hear my surroundings. The house was silent. I sighed and let my mind drift back to repeat the worst day of my life for the one thousand and first time.
Weeks passed. The autumn turned into winter and a fluffy white layer covered the land surrounding the house. The air turned crisp and colder, not that it bothered anyone that lived in my house. I pushed the window as wide open as it would go and perched on the ledge. It was silent outside, too cold for all the creatures in the surrounding woods to be out of their nests and burrows. I heard a light tapping from inside, someone treading carefully up the stairway. I froze and waited to see if they were coming towards my room. They arrived outside my door and paused before knocking. I slowly and silently inhaled their scent before making a decision.
"Come in" I said flatly, allowing no emotion to enter my voice. The door knob twisted and clicked, and the door swung open.
Carmen stood in the doorway, not moving. She was small and thin with perfect facial features. Her pale vampire skin had an olive tint to it, showing her nationality before she was changed. Her chocolate brown curls hung down just past her shoulders. The bright golden eyes she stared at me with were framed with thick, dark lashes. I watched her as she took and step towards me and survey the mess in my room.
"Tanya" she whispered, her features crumpling into a pained expression, "You can't keep on doing this, it's like you're not living"
"I'm fine, Carmen" I said, deliberately looking away from her, to hide the agonizing truth. She took another step closer and I turned my body away from her slightly.
"Carmen I'd like you to leave me alone now please"
"Tanya, talk to me! Do you think you're the only one hurting, the only one who feels a massive hole in their life? We are meant to be a family!" she cried out, her eyes shimmering with the tears we could never cry. I felt rage build up inside me, powerfully trying to take over my body and force me to become the predator and fighter that I should be. I shut my eyes to block out Carmen's face and opened my mouth.
"We are not a family anymore! Irina is dead. You have Eleazar. Kate has Garrett. That's your family. Not me" I said, quietly and coldly. I heard her draw in a breath, attempt to hide a sob and leave my room. As soon as she was downstairs, I crossed my room and shut the door. Leaning against it, I sank to the floor, hugging my chest. I had intentionally hurt her for my own benefit, to achieve my wish of being alone. I had sunk to a new low, destroying the ties with the people who loved me the most. I shut my eyes and forced my mind back to simpler days, before the pain and loss and heartache had begun.
Days later, I had another visitor. Kate had come to speak to me about what I said to Carmen. As she barged into my room, her silky sunshine coloured hair swished around her face which was contorted into an expression of anger. As she came closer to me, I slipped into a protective crouch and ever so quietly growled. She came to stand right in front of me, squaring her shoulders and clenching her fists. I slowly moved back and straightened up.
"How could you say those things to Carmen? She was trying to help you!" she hissed, showing me her teeth as if to warn me away from her. I growled back in response, attempting to push her into a fight. I knew if it came down to it I would lose, but I wanted to release my anger, inflict the pain I felt on someone else. To me, it didn't matter that she was my sister, that she loved me or that she might be suffering too. She stared me down, her eyes daring me to take a step closer. I growled again, louder this time. She pushed my shoulder in retaliation.
I heard a roar. Unsure of where it came from, I leapt at Kate, tackling her to the floor. She let her power flow over her whole body, the electric current jolting through me and pinning me to the floor. She stood above me with a superior look on her face. As soon as I had regained my composure, I leapt up and grabbed her shirt, throwing her against the wall. She hit my mirror and fell to the floor, glass shattering over her body. She slowly and cautiously got up, holding her hands out in front of her.
"You broke my mirror" I grunted at her. She looked at me with her eyebrows raised and snorted.
"You broke your own damn mirror" she responded, folding her arms over her chest. I turned away from her.
"You know", she continued, "I didn't think you'd give up so easily, I was sure you would still try and fight me"
"I should've, after the shock you gave me. That much power was uncalled for" I replied.
"Uncalled for? You practically blew my ears off with the noise you made and pinned me to the ground! I was just protecting myself"
"You're such a child!" I said crossly, wishing she was away from me. She winked and poked out her tongue.
"If you want to keep that, I suggest you put it back in your mouth Kate"
She pulled her tongue back into her mouth and bent down to pick up the largest shard of glass from my mirror. She crossed the room to stand just behind me. Kate placed a hand on my shoulder and pushed the glass under my nose.
"When did you change so much, sister?" she asked quietly, leaving the glass shard in my hand and walking out of the room. The door closed and I held the item in my hand level with my face.
The sight I saw looking back at me was one I knew I'd never forget. The woman in the reflection had paler skin than any vampire I had seen and it was deep purple under her eyes. Her strawberry blond hair hung limply against her face. The eyes were perhaps the most shocking part. They were blacker than night, cold and hard looking, no emotion in them. I gasped. I wasn't me anymore. My grief had made me someone else.
Anger rose inside of me as I thought of Kate. She had deliberately handed me the mirror, knowing this would push me into change. I threw the shard on the floor and watched as it shattered into smaller pieces. I balled up my fist and hurled it with all my might at the wall in front of me. Pieces of dry wall, insulation and paper exploded around my hand, falling to the floor. Dust surrounded me and I stood there long enough to watch it settle before striding over to the window and throwing it open. I took a deep breath and jumped.
As I landed softly on the ground below, the glass doors behind me slid open and in the next second, Kate was stood beside me.
"Where are you going?" she enquired. I threw her the dirtiest look I could muster and replied.
"None of your business"
"Just tell me Tanya" she sighed. I felt the anger build up inside me again, but this time I knew I wasn't going to fight her.
"Just back off!" I shrieked, "This is all your fault! You made me look into that piece of mirror! You made me see what I'm becoming, so why can't you leave me alone to let me deal with it!"
I pushed her hard away from me, turned and ran as fast as I could. As I reached the edge of the forest, I changed. I let my senses take over and my strength ripple through my body. I let the animal I was meant to be take over and the need to kill was strong. Human, animal or vampire, I knew I had the strength to end their life before they could even see it coming. I travelled further into the forest. The part of me that could still feel empathy hoped that no one would get in my way, for tonight, I was fury, unrestrained and untouchable, ready to fight.