The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe or X-Men Evolution characters is lost at sea. You didn't really think that I would stop on my little book bashing fun after 'Great Literature According to Thunderbird' now did you? Oh no! There will be plenty of fics where I use this idea. This is one of them.
The Old Moron and The Sea
"Okay whose turn is it to teach the kids today?" Low Light groaned at the kitchen table.
"Well its not mine that's for sure," The Blind Master said. "I taught them yesterday."
"And what a fascinating lesson plan that was too," Roadblock smirked.
"The children need to know about history," Blind Master said.
"Ancient Japanese ninja weapons and how to use them is not exactly something that's taught in a traditional educational system," Roadblock said.
"Since when does teaching mutants have anything to do with traditional education?" Cover Girl grinned.
"Not in this place that's for sure," Roadblock groaned. "So who is teaching the kids? They're not alone in the classroom aren't they?"
"Last time we did that we needed a new wall," Cover Girl said.
"I don't see Shipwreck anywhere," Spirit looked around. "Perhaps he is with them?"
"Oh lord that's even worse!" Roadblock shot up. "Shipwreck teaching is inviting trouble! We gotta get down to the class before there's nothing but rubble!"
"Hey calm down Roadblock," Cover Girl put her hand on his shoulder. "I mean it is supposed to be only an English class today. We assigned The Old Man and the Sea by Steinbeck. I'm sure sailor boy can handle it."
"You have a point," Roadblock said. "He'd probably love a book like this."
"This is the stupidest thing I have ever read!" Shipwreck snapped as he flipped through the pages. "I mean I'm all for the idea of man against nature but this isn't even entertaining!"
The Misfits were sitting in the classroom specially made for them. "Yeah for a sea novel it is a little dry," Todd remarked.
"It's all style and no real plot!" Pietro groaned. "It's so freaking pretentious!"
"Yeah it goes on and on and on," Shipwreck grumbled. "Just like my ex-wife."
"And it also has no point," Althea said. "Just like you."
"You know if I had a will you'd be so out of it," Shipwreck told her.
"She has a point," Pietro said. "All it's about is the old guy goes out to sea, hooks a marlin and is dragged out for several days and in the end his catch gets eaten up by sharks. So he barely makes it home alive with a skeleton."
"Well this is such a happy book," Wanda said sarcastically.
"Actually it's about the idea of human nobility in the face of the extreme," Fred spoke up. "Grace under pressure and all that stuff. The human spirit overcoming the harshness of nature."
"Wow Fred that was really deep," Angelica blinked.
"Yeah I got it in the back of the book where they had all the notes and stuff," Fred showed her. "It's nice of the publisher to explain the book right after it."
"Why didn't I think of that?" Shipwreck hit his head.
"You don't think period," Althea said.
"Did I tell you how much you're becoming more and more like your mother every day?" Shipwreck asked mockingly. He turned to Fred. "So you're saying this book is saying 'Never give up' right?"
"Yeah it proves that the human spirit is supposed to be indom-indomini---" Fred looked at the back of the book again. "Indominimmininble…That's a good thing right?"
"Indomitable Blob," Pietro rolled his eyes. "Meaning it can not be destroyed or crushed. Like your thick skin on your fat head."
"At least my fat head has a brain in it," Fred stuck his tongue out. "I was smart enough to read the back of the book first so I can understand it! Nyahhh!"
"He's got you there Quickie," Todd remarked. "So what this Steinbeck guy is saying is that it proves men have what it takes to overcome all the odds and stuff."
"I think it proves that men are stubborn idiots," Wanda said.
"I'll say," Arcade nodded. "If he wanted a fish that badly why didn't he simply go to the store and get one?"
"Makes sense to me," Xi nodded in agreement.
"Hello? He's a fisherman," Althea groaned. "He kind of makes his living by catching fish."
"Well he's a lousy one," Arcade said. "He hasn't caught a fish in weeks and when he does finally get one he ends up losing it to sharks."
"You got a point," Todd thought. "Maybe he should have called it quits and looked for another profession. Maybe he should have changed careers and sold boats for a living. I mean the one he was on held up pretty good so he obviously knew about stuff like that."
"Yeah he could have made a good living doing that," Arcade said. "Called himself the Fisherman King and done TV commercials."
"Or better yet make his own cable TV show!" Todd piped up.
"Oh I know what you mean!" Fred called out. "Like on the local cable stations where they sometimes have programs that sell houses in local areas? Yeah he could have done that!"
"Cable television?" Lina blinked.
"You might have noticed by now Lina that our discussions tend to become…What is the word I'm looking for?" Lance thought. "Oh yeah…stupid."
"It's not a stupid idea!" Todd snapped. "I mean the old guy was nearly killed out there. I'd be looking for another career if I was his age."
"Yeah he really shouldn't have been out there in the first place alone," Fred remarked. "He should get some kind of Medicare or something."
"If he had one of those medic alert bracelets they'd have known right where he was and gotten a boat to pick him up," Pietro said. "You know the ones where you call out 'I've fallen and I can't get up'?"
"Yeah in his case it would be like, 'I've got a big one and I can't land it!'!" Shipwreck nodded excitedly. "You know we can make a lot of money with something like that."
"Oh no Dad, not another one of your stupid instant cash ideas," Althea groaned.
"No this is a relatively reasonable instant cash idea," Shipwreck told her. "Let me write it down so I don't forget it." He grabbed a pen and started scribbling. "Now what was the name of the book we were talking about again?"
"The Grapes of Wrath Pop," Althea replied sarcastically. "Can we get back to some semblance of learning before you get us involved in something that involves the police or the fraud squad? Again?"
"But this book is so dull!" Todd groaned. "He didn't even get the fish yo!"
"The point wasn't about getting the fish," Lina said.
"Well that's good news for the fisherman because he didn't get it," Pietro said.
"You're the ones who don't get it!" Lina snapped. "The message the book is trying to convey is that the best prize is to be proud of oneself."
"No the best prize is a few million dollars, a yacht, your own island and revenge on your ex-wife," Shipwreck told her. "This is a stupid book! I could tell you a story much better than this crap! Gather round kids while I tell you the true story about the time I was lost in the Bermuda Triangle!"
"So that's where your brain went," Althea quipped.
"You are no longer my favorite child," Shipwreck said. "Now shut up and listen, I was on my ship the Jolly Mon when on my radio I heard a call of distress. A ship filled with supermodels was being besieged by pirates and it was up to me to rescue them."
"Ooh! I like this story already!" Pietro grinned.
"I'm awake now," Lance grinned.
"Here we go…" Althea groaned. "And people think writers have active imaginations?"
"I'm sure everything will be fine," Cover Girl said to Roadblock as they made their way to the classroom later.
"Do you really believe that?" Roadblock asked her.
"Hope springs eternal," Cover Girl sighed as they opened the door. "What the…?"
Shipwreck was wearing a pirate hat standing on top of the desk. He was waving a ruler around like it was a sword. "And it burned throughout the night! HAHAHAH!" In the trashcan there was a small fire and the kids were cheering. "Take that you scurvy bilge rats!" He threw another book into the fire.
"SHIPWRECK!" Roadblock shouted. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? TEACHING THE KIDS TO BURN THE PLACE DOWN?"
"Actually we already know how to do that," Fred began. Pietro elbowed him to keep quiet.
"I didn't do it!" Angelica shouted quickly. "He did it!" Angelica pointed at Shipwreck.
"Somehow I am not surprised," Roadblock growled as he grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher. After putting out the trashcan fire he pointed the extinguisher at Shipwreck. "Now what is going down clown?"
"Uh hey guys," Shipwreck gulped. "Just uh…giving a demonstration here. Just livening up the lesson plan a little. Tell him kids."
"Okay, Dad hated the book so he was telling us his own version of it complete with pirates, sea serpents, and supermodels whose bikini tops conveniently fall off," Althea grinned. "Right Dad?"
"Alright where the heck did you pick up the annoying habit of telling the truth?" Shipwreck snapped at his daughter.
"Obviously not from you!" Cover Girl immediately grabbed the extinguisher.
"Now Cover Girl," Shipwreck backed away. "Let's talk about this…"
"I think you've done more than enough talking!" Cover Girl aimed it at him.
"Okay I think I've just figured out why there's no women in this story," Shipwreck gulped. "Of course if there was a wife at home that would explain why the old fisherman would stay out to sea for all that time."
"THAT'S IT!" Cover Girl turned on the extinguisher and started chasing Shipwreck around the classroom with it. "TIME TO DIE SAILOR BOY!"
"AW COME ON! CAN'T YOU TAKE A JOKE? YEOW!" Shipwreck screamed.
"Oh man I never thought English class would be this much fun!" Pietro laughed. The Misfits cheered on the insanity.
"Oh lord," Roadblock moaned. "I'll bet the X-Men never have problems like these in their classrooms!"