SNOW DAY! SCORE! Due to the nature of weather on this fine sparkling day, which contributed to my not being at school today, I have celebrated by beginning a crazy new fanfic. I'm sure you'll like it ever so much. It's going to be a few chapters, but the snow gives me a jumpstart! Enjoy!
Oh, and because of the style of this fanfic, this will be the only author's note for the entire thing, to provide uninterrupted humor.
Disclaimer: Holes is Louis Sachar's.
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Guide to Surviving Camp Green Lake
The Mary-Sue Edition
Hi! If you're reading this, chances are you are sitting in a yellow school bus, which is currently making its way down a dirt road in the middle of Texas. It doesn't matter where you're from, at least not yet, but the point is that you got here. You are on your way to Camp Greenlake Penitentiary for Boys.
"For boys?" You may find yourself asking. "If it's for boys, then what am I, a girl, doing at a boys prison camp?" Ah, my friend, you have asked the question that has plagued canon writers since the beginning of time. You are here because of who you are (or who you were written as).
The Holes Canon Authors Revolution has graciously provided this instructional pamphlet to make your time at Camp Greenlake the most fulfilling and useful. It will teach you vital survival skills, such as:
Using who you are to get away with various misdemeanors. How to interact with a camp full of female-deprived boys. How to get the D-tenter of your choice! How to dig holes and survive the wildlife. How to avoid stumbling into a coherent plot. And much more!A lot of time and effort has gone into making this pamphlet as accurate as possible, and we are confident that when your stay at Camp Greenlake is over, you will return home, proud to tell all your friends, "I made it as a Mary-Sue!"
To make the most use of this pamphlet, it is necessary to find out who you are as a girl at Camp Greenlake. We ask you to choose one of the character descriptions below which best fits your situation.
The Basic Mary-Sue
The most common type of girl at Camp Greenlake. Often sent because of a mistake or misunderstanding, but nobody believes her. Very often there is little explanation as to why she is sent to a boys camp, other than the camp suddenly turning co-ed (even though she is usually the only girl there). Usually identifiable by her poor grammar and vocabulary, although can remain well hidden until later on, when she develops a crush on a D-tenter. In parodies is most often described as having strange colored hair, a ridiculously long, mostly Japanese name, and everyone seems to either hate her or love her. But we know this is just a load of hogwash.
The Mary-Jane
The second most common girl, she is either the rough tomboy or the sexy girl with a bad attitude. Did something illegal to get there, ranging from shoplifting and trespassing to fights and murder. Almost always sent because all other girl's camps could not handle her. Usually hardened from the inner city or a rebel from the suburbs. Identifiable by cursing and slang, "punk" or "gang" clothing upon arrival, and her eventual relationship with either Magnet or Squid. Rarely written about in parodies.
The Peggy-Sue
Not as common as her sisters Mary-Sue and Mary-Jane, the Peggy-Sue is the most timid and shy of the girls. Sent because of a dare that got out of control, a mistake, or being framed and couldn't stand up for herself. Sent because all the other girl's camps were full and CGL was the only one with available space. Usually quiet, sometimes has a rough past, which contributes to her timidity. Identifiable by her ability to connect to the boys and by being a good companion. Her relationships are either with Stanley, Zero, comforter to Zigzag, or emotional tamer to Squid. Hardly seen in parodies.
The Relative
More common than you might think, the Relative is usually the Warden's niece, although occasionally her daughter, 2nd cousin, or similar. A rarer version is the relative of any of the counselors or campers, usually Stanley's. Sent to Camp Greenlake to visit, and often made to dig holes anyway. Identifiable by her spunk, physical resemblance to her relative, and relationship with any of the D-tenters (except her relative). The Relative can double as another form of Mary-Sue. Also rare in parodies.
If you do not fit into any of the above groups you are either:
A Boy
Please see Stanley Yelnats' Guide to Surviving Camp Greenlake.
A Girl
If you are a girl and NOT a Mary-Sue, please see How to Remain in Canon and Survive Camp Greenlake: The Fan Girl's Edition.
Keeping this knowledge of your character in mind, you may proceed to read the pamphlet in either portions pertaining to your character, or read the whole thing if you prefer. Good luck!